For agreeing to give my son a lift?

[Starcky]

My son (27) has autism and lives with his dad. He does well, has a nice group of friends and often meets up with them on a weekend - at which I pick him up and take him wherever he wants to be. DH (not his dad) is frustrated that this often “disrupts” our plans.

It doesn’t happen every week but there have been occasions where our plans have had to change as DS has messaged me Friday night to say he needs a lift Saturday. I try to work our plans around it but it’s not always possible.

An example being a few weeks ago we had arranged to go and see his family but DS wanted picking up at 12. This meant we wouldn’t have time to do everything so DH went on his own (which he wasn’t happy about).

This week we have arranged to take his newphew out to the seaside. Picking him up at 12. However DS messaged me Friday night saying he needs a lift Sunday (today). I told DH that we could do both, it just means picking his nephew up at 1pm instead. He wasn’t happy but agreed. Unfortunately this time was not good for DS and I’ve had to change it to picking him up at 1pm. So to try and keep the peace I told DH that we could pick his nephew up at 12 as originally planned and take him with us to pick DS up, take him to where he needs to be and then go to seaside. DH not happy at all, says he’s sick of all the messing around and he’s not messing his nephew around having him sat in a car for an hour before going anywhere. He’s now said “forget it, I’ll go out on my own as usual”

AIBU here?! I get that it’s frustrating for him but I’m trying to please everyone. DSs dad doesn’t drive.

So you’d rather hold your son back to ensure your ex doesn’t get lonely? Give your head a wobble!

I got annoyed reading this so your DH is not unreasonable at all.

@LovelyCupOfTeaThankYou

exactly! It’s ALWAYS in the best interests of a young adult to be as independent as they possibly can be for a variety of reasons.

Tbf subway is a bit overwhelming if you don’t know what you want. I’m NT, but would say getting public transport is actually easier than ordering a subway. I’d find working out the tube which has a set of rules and a “right” answer easier than working out how to order in a restaurant that didn’t really have a menu.

I can see both sides here as I have a young adult with a disability who needs a lot of ferrying around. Supported living nearer to activities sounds a great idea, especially as your son is keen. Finding a place might be tricky (my son has been asking for 5 years and social services just say there isn’t anything that meets his needs). I can appreciate the Dad may then feel lonely (and would loose carers benefits). Could Dad investigate moving to a more accessible place for him and DS? That way DS could be more independent. If he was using public transport regularly then he’d hopefully be less stressed as it would be a known activity.

Maybe you need to say No to your son sometimes if you already have plans. A shared calendar so he can see when you already have plans and he can use that information when making plans with his friends.

I imagine that your Autistic son needs the support with getting to places, otherwise you wouldn't be doing it, BUT I think it's pretty shitty you're constantly fucking your husband about anf making him play second fiddle to your son.

Nailed it!

Exactly this. Im in my 30's and was diagnosed with autism a few months ago

I've always found travelling really really overwhelming. Years ago, I'd had to go on a train journey by myself... I got so stressed out and upset I actually got lost in the train station and rang my dad crying 🤦‍♀️😅. My dad actually came and got me and took me home bless him ( we don't live together )

It took me months to build up to trying the trains again. Several years later & I still find myself getting anxious, but not enough that it stops me travelling..... you've got to push through that anxiety and stress.

I've found doing the journey once accompanied means I can do it again on my own then.

Subway still stress me out now! 😅 it is overwhelming and there's too many options. But again, practise makes it so much better.

Support and strategies 100% make things easier to deal with

The DS is autistic. Being organised and getting buses is very difficult for him.

Stop being a doormat

Gently, as I have an autistic teen and am taxi, you are being unreasonable. You need your own life too and you need boundaries!

Why can’t his dad drop him off?
YABU, you need to tell him your plans when he messages so in your example your picking nephew up at 12 then going out you need to tell him I can pick you up at 11 because I have to be somewhere at 12. He either takes it or leaves it

That's his dad's problem to solve. Of course he would see his son - if he put in some effort and got the bus.

Then his father can order an Uber. And learn to drive. OP is being seriously inconvenienced by this and it looks like DS's DF is not doing anything to help.

Your DH is being unreasonable. Your DS is an adult and if he wants to move out you should be supporting that. Neither parent will be around for ever.

your exh attitude sucks. There is something wrong here- is he reliant on sons PIP?. He needs to pass his test or get a bus.

My child is autistic btw. My role is to support them so they don’t need me.

Team DH.

Can’t DS Dad learn to drive? It seems ridiculous to live out in the sticks and not be able to drive? Then there would be 2 options, your DS could move in to supported living and his Dad would still see him. It sounds like his Dad is being quite selfish about this, your son would likely enjoy more activities if he moved in to supported living and surely you want him to experience this whilst you are both still around to support him?

There is nothing wrong with giving your son lifts. What is wrong is that you don’t tell him your plans in advance and tell him when you’re available to give him lifts

YABU EXTREMELY so to your poor DH. Why do you treat him so poorly? Why should he constantly be sidelined and not shown any consideration at all. You treat him terribly. Shame on you

you’re also someone who cannot be relied upon. How terrible to make plans with others and then mess them about when all you have to do is tell your son when you’re available. That is it. Just make plans in advance.

I wouldn’t be surprised if your DH doesn’t move on without you how poorly you treat him and complete lack of respect for him and his time.

You need to explain to your DS that you can help him but you need to have more notice and that you can't change plans you make. One of the issues with ASD is coping with change and needing forward planning so he should understand this if you ask for it too!

You also need to let him know when you won't be available with as much advanced notice as possible. "I won't be able to drive you on Sunday x May because we're going to the seaside".

Also try to encourage independence. My DS is 19 with ASD and has a free bus pass. The minute he got it, the requests for lifts dropped considerably and then to pretty much nothing unless he was visiting us. Supported housing completely transformed his life and made him so much happier and more independent.

If he's uncomfortable using buses or buying a sandwich, let him practice with you. He can go online and look at menus in advance to help narrow choices before going into shops. It's useful to carry basic visual cards just in case he does get stuck. Or to write what he would like or where he wants to go down before he leaves so he can show people rather than relying on verbal communication. Having a bus pass means you don't have to buy a ticket too.

We used to have a shared Google calendar so we could both see what we were doing (I kept it up with DH as he never remembers 😂). It meant I could see plans I might be needed for (lifts or trips to London or appointments etc) and he could see when I wouldn't be available to help.

I feel for you OP - my child is autistic and you are just trying to manage his needs as a caring mum. Of course your role of supporting some socialising is really important and I think your DH is not being helpful

perhaps your DH is worried there isn't a real plan for your son to move on in life?

He is 27 - he shouldn't stay at home so his dad can see him.

I would say you all need to work on a plan for him to move to your city.

❤️ ❤️ ❤️