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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For agreeing to give my son a lift?

221 replies

Starcky · 27/04/2025 06:57

My son (27) has autism and lives with his dad. He does well, has a nice group of friends and often meets up with them on a weekend - at which I pick him up and take him wherever he wants to be. DH (not his dad) is frustrated that this often “disrupts” our plans.

It doesn’t happen every week but there have been occasions where our plans have had to change as DS has messaged me Friday night to say he needs a lift Saturday. I try to work our plans around it but it’s not always possible.

An example being a few weeks ago we had arranged to go and see his family but DS wanted picking up at 12. This meant we wouldn’t have time to do everything so DH went on his own (which he wasn’t happy about).

This week we have arranged to take his newphew out to the seaside. Picking him up at 12. However DS messaged me Friday night saying he needs a lift Sunday (today). I told DH that we could do both, it just means picking his nephew up at 1pm instead. He wasn’t happy but agreed. Unfortunately this time was not good for DS and I’ve had to change it to picking him up at 1pm. So to try and keep the peace I told DH that we could pick his nephew up at 12 as originally planned and take him with us to pick DS up, take him to where he needs to be and then go to seaside. DH not happy at all, says he’s sick of all the messing around and he’s not messing his nephew around having him sat in a car for an hour before going anywhere. He’s now said “forget it, I’ll go out on my own as usual”

AIBU here?! I get that it’s frustrating for him but I’m trying to please everyone. DSs dad doesn’t drive.

OP posts:
Pipsquiggle · 27/04/2025 07:29

The annoying thing about this is that it always seems that your DS's request for a lift are always fairly last minute and that they always usurp plans that have already been made - this is U.

You need to be clear with your DS. I will only give you lifts every other weekend. If I have other plans, you need your DF to take you or arrange transport..........
There will be other options, could one of his friends give him a lift?

You say he's autistic but this description is not useful as we don't know how independent he is or his capabilities

notsureyetcertain · 27/04/2025 07:29

He needs the support and you want to help him but it’s not fair on your dh that his plans get messed around. Can you ask your son to give more notice or maybe say you are free Saturdays but not Sundays so you can plan a bit more.

itsgettingweird · 27/04/2025 07:32

Supporting someone with a disability is always needs dependent.

I have a ds with autism too.

Of he could meet friends and go out I would support that but not above my own needs/plans.

DS can’t travel alone in public transport but does have a car. He won’t go somewhere new (or rather further than 2 places) alone and one of the 2 places he goes he won’t go without taking others and won’t go out in the dark alone.

However, he knows I’ll support him if he asks me in advance and I’m free. Not in a million years would I be changing my own plans last minute for him or sitting around waiting for him just in case he needs me. It’s all part of learning and accepting the reality of the real world.

SaladSandwichesForTea · 27/04/2025 07:32

What is your long term plan to support your son? You won't always be there to give him lifts and you need to consider how you transition him to the next stage of life, for his sake as well as everyone else's.

Tradersinsnow · 27/04/2025 07:32

We used to do similar but we slowly faded out the being available for weekend lifts. Especially the last minute requests. He now has friends pick him up for his weekly gaming.

DeathNote11 · 27/04/2025 07:33

I have a disabled adult child in supported accommodation who relies on me a lot to get around socially, but there are ground rules. I'm not the same service as the taxis he gets to/from work & I wouldn't tolerate him treating me as such. Call adult social care & enquire about 'travel training'. If he can't manage that (my son can't), he should be able to get mobility element in his PIP.

BassesAreBest · 27/04/2025 07:33

Bit surprised by the responses so far. An autistic persons needs don't stop when they become an adult. OPs son might not be able to get public transport/taxi/uber on his own or without someone familiar with him. I know I can't.

Then his other parent could help him? It doesn’t have to be OP.

Guavafish1 · 27/04/2025 07:35

Uber… you can book it for someone else

doodleschnoodle · 27/04/2025 07:37

I think this is a good chance to introduce compromise to your son.

‘I need to be picked up at 12’.

’Okay well I have plans so it’ll either have to be before them at 11 or when I’m done at 2 - which suits better? If that doesn’t work, can X help you get the bus/train?’

If you are dropping everything for his schedule whenever summoned, he won’t ever get the chance to learn that life is also about other people and you risk annoying the other people in your life. Your time is important too.

Miaowzabella · 27/04/2025 07:37

Autistic does not equal limbless.

olympicsrock · 27/04/2025 07:45

Your poor DH. You are making plans with him knowing that priority number 1 is DS and you are prepared to dump DH at the last minute to suit DS.
Either stop making plans with DH on a Saturday - it’s not fair. Or better to tell DS that he needs to be organised , ask in advance , understand that last minute requests may not work or eventually work towards being more independent with taxis buses etc.

CissOff · 27/04/2025 07:49

YABVU

I would be spitting feathers if I were your DH too. He’s 27! If he can go out independently then he can bloody well get there independently too.

2chocolateoranges · 27/04/2025 07:50

Giving your adult child a lift is fine but cancelling and changing plans you already have isn’t fine, I’m not surprised your dh is getting annoyed.

how does your son normally get out and about when he lives with his dad?

healthybychristmas · 27/04/2025 07:52

Your son thinks you are a free taxi service. However, I think that this is a reverse.

healthybychristmas · 27/04/2025 07:52

Apologies- repeat post.

healthybychristmas · 27/04/2025 07:52

Your son thinks you are a free taxi service. However, I think that this is a reverse.

healthybychristmas · 27/04/2025 07:52

Your son thinks you are a free taxi service. However, I think that this is a reverse.

healthybychristmas · 27/04/2025 07:54

So sorry about those repeated posts.

Ellie1015 · 27/04/2025 07:55

I would help him with lifts where possible, but not cancelling prearranged plans, that isn't fair on dh. Tell ds what time you can manage eg I can give you a lift at 11am but out with dh at 12.

Imagine you had plans with dh and he kept cancelling to do someone else a non essential favour?

Azandme · 27/04/2025 07:57

SquishyGloopyBum · 27/04/2025 07:20

your comment about the 1pm pick up time not being good for your DS is telling. The 1pm pick up time wasn’t good for your nephew, your DH or you, but you whole focus was on DS and his needs. He seems to click his fingers and you jump.

if I were your DH I’d be beyond frustrated.

i get that autism is difficult but why is it he can’t travel independently himself or pay for lifts? How did you get in this situation?

This.

Original poster
Starcky · 27/04/2025 08:03

Just to answer some points - DS is not a brat, he just doesn’t understand that his plans might impact other people and I suppose that’s my fault as I’ve never really explained that to him. A few years back I did tell him I needed more notice as he used to message me on the actual day - he then started messaging the day before.

He and his dad live out in the sticks, he can get taxis but it would be very expensive and would probably put him off going altogether which I don’t want. He gets PIP already.

I pick him up, drop him off and then pick him up again at 5ish to take him home.

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 27/04/2025 08:06

Well I can certainly see why DH is annoyed!!
You plan your life around your son and are at his beck and call it seems!

Nowhere in the post does it mention a reason why he wouldn't be able to get anywhere himself. Autism in an of itself isn't a reason. I'm assuming he is capable because otherwise you'd say.

I'd be pretty pissed off if I was your husband too

Summerseagull · 27/04/2025 08:07

I do the same for my autistic DC
Your not wrong op
Your DH is not understanding because it's not his son

McSpoot · 27/04/2025 08:09

So, how is the seaside supposed to work? If you cannot leave until after you drop your son off sometime after noon and need to be back to pick him up at 5pm - doesn't leave long for a seaside trip.

It's not the giving him a lift that makes you unreasonable, it's the fact that you expect everyone else to change/cancel their plans at the last minute to do so that is the issue.

CaptainFuture · 27/04/2025 08:09

Starcky · 27/04/2025 08:03

Just to answer some points - DS is not a brat, he just doesn’t understand that his plans might impact other people and I suppose that’s my fault as I’ve never really explained that to him. A few years back I did tell him I needed more notice as he used to message me on the actual day - he then started messaging the day before.

He and his dad live out in the sticks, he can get taxis but it would be very expensive and would probably put him off going altogether which I don’t want. He gets PIP already.

I pick him up, drop him off and then pick him up again at 5ish to take him home.

Wow, so everything and everyone else's plans do hinge on what he wants? Can't go and have a full day out as on alert for ds calling to be picked up?
Shitty day at beach for the nephew and dh knowing they'd have to leave so you could be with ds for pick up at 5?
How do ds and his dad manage living out in the sticks and neither being a driver?