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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For agreeing to give my son a lift?

221 replies

Starcky · 27/04/2025 06:57

My son (27) has autism and lives with his dad. He does well, has a nice group of friends and often meets up with them on a weekend - at which I pick him up and take him wherever he wants to be. DH (not his dad) is frustrated that this often “disrupts” our plans.

It doesn’t happen every week but there have been occasions where our plans have had to change as DS has messaged me Friday night to say he needs a lift Saturday. I try to work our plans around it but it’s not always possible.

An example being a few weeks ago we had arranged to go and see his family but DS wanted picking up at 12. This meant we wouldn’t have time to do everything so DH went on his own (which he wasn’t happy about).

This week we have arranged to take his newphew out to the seaside. Picking him up at 12. However DS messaged me Friday night saying he needs a lift Sunday (today). I told DH that we could do both, it just means picking his nephew up at 1pm instead. He wasn’t happy but agreed. Unfortunately this time was not good for DS and I’ve had to change it to picking him up at 1pm. So to try and keep the peace I told DH that we could pick his nephew up at 12 as originally planned and take him with us to pick DS up, take him to where he needs to be and then go to seaside. DH not happy at all, says he’s sick of all the messing around and he’s not messing his nephew around having him sat in a car for an hour before going anywhere. He’s now said “forget it, I’ll go out on my own as usual”

AIBU here?! I get that it’s frustrating for him but I’m trying to please everyone. DSs dad doesn’t drive.

OP posts:
fiveIsNewOne · 27/04/2025 12:58

Is giving him lifts the only time you meet him?

I see that with a disabled child the split when his father takes care of him daily and you are chipping in with lifts kind of makes sense.

Yes, the supposed accomodation would make sense

Otherwise, I see you enabling him having friends as more important as taking a nephew somewhere, but you need to acknowledge those are your priorities and plan things with your DP in a way that your presence isn't really expected and you either join or not.

Of course you can try to communicate about plans earlier, but it is quite probable that your DP's family plans on a different timescale and it wouldn't help.

scotstars · 27/04/2025 13:20

I understand the need to support your son and yanbu to give him lifts. At 27 though it needs to be explained to him that if he doesn't ask early you might have to say no it's an important lesson as not everyone in life will change their plans to meet his needs. Honestly as the parent of a nd child I know my instinct is to wrap him in cotton wool but the reality is you can't forever you have given lots of reasons why he couldn't do the bus journey but haven't let him try so tbh I can see why your dh is frustrated.
The supported living option sounds much better all round does your child's pip etc contribute towards his father's household is that why he's reluctant for him to move out? It would make much more sense for him to travel and visit him

Apreslapluielesoleil · 27/04/2025 13:20

Starcky · 27/04/2025 09:18

DS likes the idea as his friend lives there too. It would be a 10 min drive from our house. However his dad isn’t keen as then he’d never see him.

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His dad doesn’t drive?
with greatest respect OP you need to push ahead with DS to make a long term plan that HE wants. Parents aren’t around for ever, for your DS to gain more independence living in supported living would help his future be more fulfilling. His dad will have to come with a driving/ bus/ cab plan to visit him.

Left · 27/04/2025 13:21

Could you try a shared online phone calendar with DH and DS, that shows visually when you are free?

So DS can see when you are available for lifts, and you can block out time with DH.

I have a young adult DC with who sounds similar so I get the need to support them x

ApolloandDaphne · 27/04/2025 13:24

Starcky · 27/04/2025 09:18

DS likes the idea as his friend lives there too. It would be a 10 min drive from our house. However his dad isn’t keen as then he’d never see him.

Show quote history

This means you are not only facilitating what your DE needs but also enabling your ex to maintain the status quo. Really you need to put your DS to the forefront and support him to live independently near his friends so he can be sociable without relying on you. Your ex will then have to work out for himself how to maintain his relationship with his DS.

NotMilanese · 27/04/2025 13:47

DS was part of the package when you married DH, who needs to be more understanding. However, DS learned to contact you the day before--can he learn to do it a week in advance? Can you create a calendar together when you see him?
It might be time to have a conversation with DS's dad--neither of you will be around forever (sorry) and your DS needs some strategies put in place so he can live more independently. Obviously really slowly, whatever he is comfortable with (parent of a young adult with autism here).

lessglittermoremud · 27/04/2025 13:52

Your ex husband is doing no favours for your son to not allow him to go into somewhere that can support him to live a full and independent life.

Arniesaxe · 27/04/2025 13:58

Your DH is in a relationship with someone with a child or children therefore he should be (& appears it is the case) aware that sometimes he can't come first.
However this does not mean he should always come last! I feel sorry for him and I'd be reconsidering my marriage if I were him.

Something needs to change here whether your son moves somewhere more accessible if he cant drive (madness living out in the sticks without a driving license or means to get to places he wants to go) or someone else needs to be available, or he needs to find different ways of socialising. You can help sometimes but dropping everything and disrupting everyone else's lives is not on.

Whyherewego · 27/04/2025 13:59

PaperSheet · 27/04/2025 10:00

I’m autistic and really struggle with doing new things and going to new places. Obviously I don’t know your son’s level of needs etc as everyone is different so I’m not saying this is exactly the same of course.

Despite the fact I learned to drive at 17 my lovely mother used to drop me off and pick me up all the time. I was only ever confident driving to places I knew or if I had friends with me. If it was a new place she would always take me. Sometimes sitting in the car for hours reading while she waited as it wasn’t worth her going home and back. Sometimes I’d try the train/bus and then get lost and I’d ring her. She once drove 5 hours to find me at almost the other end of the country!

I wasn’t actually diagnosed as autistic until I was an adult in my 30s. My mum just knew I struggled but wasn’t exactly sure why. She also used to take care of all my bills (I lived in my own house and would transfer her whatever money she asked for to pay them or she would set up my direct debits). She’d do my grocery shopping (I’d give her a list). I could drive but just used her car when needed rather than have my own. (I will admit I never gave any thought to if she needed it. I’d just say I need the car Saturday and she’d say ok).

Then she died. Very suddenly when I was 32. I had absolutely no choice but to try and start doing things by myself. Now. I’m not saying ALL autistic people can learn to do everything. Obviously some things are just beyond their capabilities. But, I have honestly surprised myself at how many things I can now do that I actually used to think were impossible or would freak me out too much. I now pay my own bills. I bought a car (I did fuck up at first as I didn’t understand what PCP was or that I needed insurance before I could drive it home) but I’ve researched it all now and know for next time. I started going food shopping by myself or organised delivery. I changed jobs and figured out how to get to places. I learned to book Ubers and cabs. I have also since met my husband and got married so he does help me a lot and he also gives me confidence by showing me new places.

But I will admit there are still things that I struggle with and likely always will.
In the past I’ve panicked so much about getting a new bus route I’ve ended up walking for 3 hours instead because I couldn’t find the bus. Weirdly I also used to avoid eating at subway as I couldn’t cope with the level of choices available. If I go with friends I tend to just copy whatever someone else is having as it’s easier. If I’m driving I sometimes panic about parking so I’ll often park far away and walk the rest. I don’t always admit what I’m doing to my husband. Silly I know. I told him I was driving to a job interview. It was in an awkward place for public transport. About 20 minute drive. What I actually did was drive to the station, pay for parking, get the train 3 stops then walk half an hour. It took over double the time (and cost!) but I felt happier doing it. Since then I asked him to drive with me (I lied and said I just wanted to check out different parking) and he did. I got the job, I now drive there daily. (However if there’s a bad traffic accident I will admit I have sat in it for an hour rather than find a new route like other people might)

So my (long! Sorry!) point is that sometimes people can surprise you. Even autistic people. With what they are actually capable of. Because one day you might not be here anymore. And it might be younger than you think sadly. Can I do everything like other people? Definitely not. Do I struggle and get ridiculously anxious at what should be normal things? Absolutely. But sometimes you just don’t know until you try. And as lovely as my mother was, I truly wish she’d actually helped me do things myself more. I think she thought she was helping by just doing it all for me. It really did make my life easier definitely. My life until 32 was great. But my God did it hit hard when she was gone.

Thank you for explaining your situation so beautifully. I hope OP reads this because I think you've hit the nail on the head.
She's doing all this to help her DS but in fact it may not be the most helpful thing she can do. Certainly the dad is not helpful either by living where he is or, given he doesn't work, he could easily accompany DS on bus routes etc

MrsAmaretto · 27/04/2025 14:01

He needs supported/ independent living. He’s 27 - what happens if you or his dad die or have a stroke tomorrow? You have to get him the support he needs to live his life. His dad is clearly only thinking about himself.

Trolllol · 27/04/2025 14:13

I think a longer term solution does need to be considered. However just because someone is 27 doesn’t mean they are mentally 27. My child is about half their age which should be the case through their life, so when my child is 30 they’ll probably be more like 15 inside.

Unfortunately it means that things take a lot longer to reach independence stages. If at all.

LovelyCupOfTeaThankYou · 27/04/2025 14:16

Cherrytree86 · 27/04/2025 12:39

@LovelyCupOfTeaThankYou

you would kick the partner out if you were OP would you? Yeah… that’s really not the parenting flex you seem to think it is. It’s not good parenting to infantilise your son or daughter and make them so dependant on you. OP’s partner is not unreasonable in the slightest to be pissed off af this situation.

Edited
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For me, my dc come first so I couldn’t be with a partner like that. I’d rather be single than have someone complain about my arrangements with my family (especially my dc). It’s not a ‘parenting flex’ it’s called caring about your children, no matter their age.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 27/04/2025 14:22

Starcky · 27/04/2025 09:18

DS likes the idea as his friend lives there too. It would be a 10 min drive from our house. However his dad isn’t keen as then he’d never see him.

Show quote history

That is your ex's problem.

I completely understand your dilemma @Starcky. I have adult autistic children myself.

People saying that your DS needs to learn to drive don't get it.

We also live in a village where the buses are only every three hours. It makes things more complicated.

I wonder if the answer is to tell your son that he needs to give you two days' notice, and then not to change his plans? Just be honest. Frame it as "we can't cope with last-minute changes of plan" and see if that clicks with him (because he'll know that he also can't cope with changes of plan).

There is so much ableism on this thread, it's very upsetting.

People don't understand that autism is a life long condition.

@Starcky I'd definitely make plans for your son to move into supported accommodation near to you. Then you would worry less about what will happen to him after you're dead. Never mind his dad. He'll have to work something out. Just think about your son's needs.

Cherrytree86 · 27/04/2025 14:23

LovelyCupOfTeaThankYou · 27/04/2025 14:16

For me, my dc come first so I couldn’t be with a partner like that. I’d rather be single than have someone complain about my arrangements with my family (especially my dc). It’s not a ‘parenting flex’ it’s called caring about your children, no matter their age.

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@LovelyCupOfTeaThankYou

but what does “coming first” mean to you? That you accommodate their every single want and whim at the expense of you and anyone else in your life?

also it’s not being “caring” to infantilise another adult and make them dependant on you…

LovelyCupOfTeaThankYou · 27/04/2025 14:27

Cherrytree86 · 27/04/2025 14:23

@LovelyCupOfTeaThankYou

but what does “coming first” mean to you? That you accommodate their every single want and whim at the expense of you and anyone else in your life?

also it’s not being “caring” to infantilise another adult and make them dependant on you…

Show quote history

Just read the whole OP now and think the partner sounds pathetic! Personally couldn’t be with someone that whiney. Would rather be single and help my dc out.

Each to their own as we’re all different.

Cherrytree86 · 27/04/2025 14:29

LovelyCupOfTeaThankYou · 27/04/2025 14:27

Just read the whole OP now and think the partner sounds pathetic! Personally couldn’t be with someone that whiney. Would rather be single and help my dc out.

Each to their own as we’re all different.

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@LovelyCupOfTeaThankYou

erm ok but you didn’t actually reply to my points/questions!

Cherrytree86 · 27/04/2025 14:31

Cherrytree86 · 27/04/2025 14:29

@LovelyCupOfTeaThankYou

erm ok but you didn’t actually reply to my points/questions!

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@LovelyCupOfTeaThankYou

also OP’s partner doesn’t sound whiney at all! He’s allowed to express how he feels when his partner cancels plans at the last minute to give her son lofts yet again. When they grow up would you want your son or daughter being in a relationship where they cannot express themselves whatsoever for fear of being seen as whiney?!

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 27/04/2025 14:34

also it’s not being “caring” to infantilise another adult and make them dependent on you…

This adult child is dependent, though.
He's disabled. He's autistic.
OP is supporting her son, not infantilising him.

Nanny0gg · 27/04/2025 14:34

Starcky · 27/04/2025 09:18

DS likes the idea as his friend lives there too. It would be a 10 min drive from our house. However his dad isn’t keen as then he’d never see him.

Show quote history

You could always offer to drop DS off for a weekend every now and again

At least that would be planned

And pay for a taxi back (or his dad could)

What will happen one day when his dad isn't there?

Nanny0gg · 27/04/2025 14:35

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 27/04/2025 14:34

also it’s not being “caring” to infantilise another adult and make them dependent on you…

This adult child is dependent, though.
He's disabled. He's autistic.
OP is supporting her son, not infantilising him.

Can't say the same for his father who seems be hanging on too much

LovelyCupOfTeaThankYou · 27/04/2025 14:47

Cherrytree86 · 27/04/2025 14:31

@LovelyCupOfTeaThankYou

also OP’s partner doesn’t sound whiney at all! He’s allowed to express how he feels when his partner cancels plans at the last minute to give her son lofts yet again. When they grow up would you want your son or daughter being in a relationship where they cannot express themselves whatsoever for fear of being seen as whiney?!

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Nah, couldn’t put up with someone who can’t attend family get togethers on his own.

diddl · 27/04/2025 15:00

Is giving him lifts the only time you meet him?

I also wondered about that.

It sounds as if living with you would have been much more convenient!

Grammarnut · 27/04/2025 15:00

Surely your DS can get a taxi or an Uber? Use a bus. He is a grown adult. You are tying yourself in knots trying to please everyone and pleasing no-one. Also, that aside, DS needs to be more organised about lifts - he has to understand he cannot disrupt everyone else's plans all the time.
Why does his father not drive?

LovelyCupOfTeaThankYou · 27/04/2025 15:07

@Cherrytree86

‘What does “coming first” mean to you? That you accommodate their every single want and whim at the expense of you and anyone else in your life?’

Well, it means putting them first, as I wrote. Especially over a whiny partner who is incapable of attending family events on his own.

‘It’s not being “caring” to infantilise another adult and make them dependant on you…’

If you (or anyone else) don’t want to help their family out, then don’t. I would chose to help my ds out as the OP has been doing. If you don’t want to do that, then don’t.

Weird that you’re so angry about this.

crumblingschools · 27/04/2025 15:12

@LovelyCupOfTeaThankYou it would appear that the young man wants to live in supporting living. Neither parent is helping to facilitate that, that's not exactly helping their son or putting him first