For agreeing to give my son a lift?

[Starcky]

My son (27) has autism and lives with his dad. He does well, has a nice group of friends and often meets up with them on a weekend - at which I pick him up and take him wherever he wants to be. DH (not his dad) is frustrated that this often “disrupts” our plans.

It doesn’t happen every week but there have been occasions where our plans have had to change as DS has messaged me Friday night to say he needs a lift Saturday. I try to work our plans around it but it’s not always possible.

An example being a few weeks ago we had arranged to go and see his family but DS wanted picking up at 12. This meant we wouldn’t have time to do everything so DH went on his own (which he wasn’t happy about).

This week we have arranged to take his newphew out to the seaside. Picking him up at 12. However DS messaged me Friday night saying he needs a lift Sunday (today). I told DH that we could do both, it just means picking his nephew up at 1pm instead. He wasn’t happy but agreed. Unfortunately this time was not good for DS and I’ve had to change it to picking him up at 1pm. So to try and keep the peace I told DH that we could pick his nephew up at 12 as originally planned and take him with us to pick DS up, take him to where he needs to be and then go to seaside. DH not happy at all, says he’s sick of all the messing around and he’s not messing his nephew around having him sat in a car for an hour before going anywhere. He’s now said “forget it, I’ll go out on my own as usual”

AIBU here?! I get that it’s frustrating for him but I’m trying to please everyone. DSs dad doesn’t drive.

He doesn’t know what to do because he’s not being allowed to learn. One mistake and that avenue is shut down for ever. He just needs support and training.

ok, he got frustrated in Subway - so he downloads the app and spends as much time as he needs making his choices and then goes in to order.
He got confused about the cinema - he is shown how to get all the necessary information before hand. Which cinema, where, which film, which screen, what time.
its just a master of support and strategies for when it goes wrong.

His dad doesn't get a say, your son is 27!!!!!!

Stop treating him like a child. Your both letting him down massively.

I think that as he has SN that you need to treat his time with you as a non resident parent of a child would. Have a set time put aside as his time. I would probably say every other weekend. Get him a wall planner and mark out all the weekends that are your time with him. He can make plans that involve you on those weekends. If it’s not your weekend for him then make your own plans and don’t change them if he does ask you to.

If he lives with his dad why can’t he take him or am I missing something?

Can I just drop in a quick thank you? My child’s support workers are fantastic and have done a far better job than I ever could in enabling Child to have as independent and full life as possible. Good care staff are transformative, not just for the service user but for their entire family too x

Do you feel guilty about DS’s dad housing him?
What DS is being encouraged to expect by way of lifts is not sustainable. He needs help negotiating meeting times with his friends and/or travelling independently. Your DH is right to object to you being on constant call and cancelling plans for non emergencies.

Your DH is absolutely right that a move towards supported independent living appears to be in your DS's best interests.
Him living isolated in a village only seeing his dad unless you drop all your other arrangements to prioritise chauffeuring him around is not something that will work in the long term for him in 10, 20, 30 years time.
You are letting down your DH, friends and family, 5 year old nephew every time to prioritise being your son's private taxi service.
Why does his dad live so remotely never leaving the village and not working?

Just to answer some points - DS is not a brat, he just doesn’t understand that his plans might impact other people and I suppose that’s my fault as I’ve never really explained that to him. A few years back I did tell him I needed more notice as he used to message me on the actual day - he then started messaging the day before.

He also needs to know that you have a life, that some weekends you will have other plans and are not free to drop everything and act as taxi driver

DS’s dad seems selfish, it should be about doing what’s best for your DS. It seems supported living may even help him flourish. What happens if/when you’re no longer able to drive OP, or heaven forbid, when you pass away? Driving him everywhere at short notice is not helping him, it’s hindering his progress and ruining your marriage.

I would push for supported living, otherwise I think your marriage may be headed for divorce. Your DH seems to be at the end of his patience now and I don’t blame him.

Well maybe his dad would need to make the effort to leave the house amd get a bus to visit his son, if he wanted to have a relationship with his son. He can't expect his son to stay at home with him forever, just because it suits him/is easier for him. That's certainly not putting your son 1st.

He could get the bus surely?

DS likes the idea as his friend lives there too. It would be a 10 min drive from our house. However his dad isn’t keen as then he’d never see him.

Im the nicest way that’s his dads problem.

If it’s what DS wants then that’s what DS should do. He’s 27 and has autonomy over his own life and input into decisions regardless of his disability.

I understand you’re want to support your ds over everything else. I’ve been guilty of dropping everything for my own autistic ds in the past.

its very hard to draw the fine line between supporting and enabling. But all the time you’re doing this his dad is controlling his DS with regards his living and that’s not any fairer in DS than you not providing an on call taxi service.

Your ds needs to move to where he wants to live and his dad needs to get a job (unless disability prevents him) and find his own living and working arrangements.

Yes, you are being unreasonable

I’m autistic and really struggle with doing new things and going to new places. Obviously I don’t know your son’s level of needs etc as everyone is different so I’m not saying this is exactly the same of course.

Despite the fact I learned to drive at 17 my lovely mother used to drop me off and pick me up all the time. I was only ever confident driving to places I knew or if I had friends with me. If it was a new place she would always take me. Sometimes sitting in the car for hours reading while she waited as it wasn’t worth her going home and back. Sometimes I’d try the train/bus and then get lost and I’d ring her. She once drove 5 hours to find me at almost the other end of the country!

I wasn’t actually diagnosed as autistic until I was an adult in my 30s. My mum just knew I struggled but wasn’t exactly sure why. She also used to take care of all my bills (I lived in my own house and would transfer her whatever money she asked for to pay them or she would set up my direct debits). She’d do my grocery shopping (I’d give her a list). I could drive but just used her car when needed rather than have my own. (I will admit I never gave any thought to if she needed it. I’d just say I need the car Saturday and she’d say ok).

Then she died. Very suddenly when I was 32. I had absolutely no choice but to try and start doing things by myself. Now. I’m not saying ALL autistic people can learn to do everything. Obviously some things are just beyond their capabilities. But, I have honestly surprised myself at how many things I can now do that I actually used to think were impossible or would freak me out too much. I now pay my own bills. I bought a car (I did fuck up at first as I didn’t understand what PCP was or that I needed insurance before I could drive it home) but I’ve researched it all now and know for next time. I started going food shopping by myself or organised delivery. I changed jobs and figured out how to get to places. I learned to book Ubers and cabs. I have also since met my husband and got married so he does help me a lot and he also gives me confidence by showing me new places.

But I will admit there are still things that I struggle with and likely always will.
In the past I’ve panicked so much about getting a new bus route I’ve ended up walking for 3 hours instead because I couldn’t find the bus. Weirdly I also used to avoid eating at subway as I couldn’t cope with the level of choices available. If I go with friends I tend to just copy whatever someone else is having as it’s easier. If I’m driving I sometimes panic about parking so I’ll often park far away and walk the rest. I don’t always admit what I’m doing to my husband. Silly I know. I told him I was driving to a job interview. It was in an awkward place for public transport. About 20 minute drive. What I actually did was drive to the station, pay for parking, get the train 3 stops then walk half an hour. It took over double the time (and cost!) but I felt happier doing it. Since then I asked him to drive with me (I lied and said I just wanted to check out different parking) and he did. I got the job, I now drive there daily. (However if there’s a bad traffic accident I will admit I have sat in it for an hour rather than find a new route like other people might)

So my (long! Sorry!) point is that sometimes people can surprise you. Even autistic people. With what they are actually capable of. Because one day you might not be here anymore. And it might be younger than you think sadly. Can I do everything like other people? Definitely not. Do I struggle and get ridiculously anxious at what should be normal things? Absolutely. But sometimes you just don’t know until you try. And as lovely as my mother was, I truly wish she’d actually helped me do things myself more. I think she thought she was helping by just doing it all for me. It really did make my life easier definitely. My life until 32 was great. But my God did it hit hard when she was gone.

Your title is misleading.

This isn't just AIBU for giving my son a lift. This is you consistently putting your 27 yr old adult son above everyone else, everytime. He says jump now and you say HOW HIGH SON?

You are telling everyone else in your life, whether plans have been made for months - that "plans don't matter, you don't matter because if son asks me for something I'll drop you like a stone".

Yes YABU.

Son can plan better, he can work out his ask not just the night before, he can be told - can't do that son, what about this?

Yes YABU.

I was going to say it’s because the dad doesn’t drive but actually, why doesn’t he take him? He doesn’t work so why can’t he get the 2 buses to where his son wants to be? If he’s only out 1-5 the dad can wait around for him. Not fair that the dad wants to live in the sticks, doesn’t want his son to leave and go into supported living and expects OP to do all the driving for his son.

Giving him lifts if you choose to is completely fine. He’s you child and it’s your time and petrol.
Messing other people around at the last minute to accommodate the lifts is not ok.
Plans with other people should not be changed or cancelled simply because your son has made a last minute decision to go out.
Plans need to made at least a couple of days in advance and need to take into account other things that you and your husband are already doing. Last minute plans can be accommodated if you are not busy.

You really can’t claim to be trying to please everyone. Your husband is being asked to tolerate a lot and instead of accepting that and how much it’s limiting your lives together, and his family relationships, you’re basically telling him to lump it because you don’t care how it affects him. That’s selfish and not a recipe for longterm happiness or harmony however good you feel the reason is.

That's tough - this should be about what your son wants, not what's convenient for his dad!

I don't think you're necessarily BU to drive your son places when you're free, but you shouldn't be cancelling plans and dropping your DH every time your DS demands a lift.

But are you necessarily doing your DC any favours not teaching him that sometimes you can't or won't drop everything for them? After all, there will come a time when you can't help them and they will have to fit in more around other people.

Why wouldn't his dad see him? Presumably one or other of them can get into a taxi to see each other occasionally, or indeed you might give DS a lift to his dad's say once a month.

If your son regularly asks for a lift on the same day and similar time why do you schedule to do things at that time - surely you know ny now there is a pattern?

Secondly my friend's son is autistic living in supported housing but they train him to do things. Every time he has surpassed what they thought he was capable of as they assumed he wouldn't be ale to do it. They also know they are going to die at some point and he needs to skills to be able to live independently. Yes his PIP money be be taken up with taxi fares but h needs to learn this now otherwise things will be so much worse later on. Yes he many have to catch 2 buses but this is a consequence of where he lives - he also needs to learn that and might actually help him to make the decision for supported housing.

Stop treating him like a child and let him become the adult that he is.

It’s not fair on your son for his dad to restrict him like this because he wants him to stay close. Your son could be far more independent if he moved.

Your husband is also right that dropping plans at the last minute isn’t ok.

You could have suggested an earlier time to your son and he could go for a coffee or something once he was in town.

It’s ok to have boundaries and is better for him to begin to understand plans can’t just be dropped for him.

Sounds like your DS's dad is selfishly holding back him back from leading a more independent life.

I think you really should have anticipated these issues sooner. If you live somewhere rural and you say he could never drive, you must have known that he would need to use public transport at some point. You need to set him up for a time that you might not be here anymore.

I also have autism and I basically had to learn to do ‘normal’ person things by doing trial runs.