For agreeing to give my son a lift?

[Starcky]

My son (27) has autism and lives with his dad. He does well, has a nice group of friends and often meets up with them on a weekend - at which I pick him up and take him wherever he wants to be. DH (not his dad) is frustrated that this often “disrupts” our plans.

It doesn’t happen every week but there have been occasions where our plans have had to change as DS has messaged me Friday night to say he needs a lift Saturday. I try to work our plans around it but it’s not always possible.

An example being a few weeks ago we had arranged to go and see his family but DS wanted picking up at 12. This meant we wouldn’t have time to do everything so DH went on his own (which he wasn’t happy about).

This week we have arranged to take his newphew out to the seaside. Picking him up at 12. However DS messaged me Friday night saying he needs a lift Sunday (today). I told DH that we could do both, it just means picking his nephew up at 1pm instead. He wasn’t happy but agreed. Unfortunately this time was not good for DS and I’ve had to change it to picking him up at 1pm. So to try and keep the peace I told DH that we could pick his nephew up at 12 as originally planned and take him with us to pick DS up, take him to where he needs to be and then go to seaside. DH not happy at all, says he’s sick of all the messing around and he’s not messing his nephew around having him sat in a car for an hour before going anywhere. He’s now said “forget it, I’ll go out on my own as usual”

AIBU here?! I get that it’s frustrating for him but I’m trying to please everyone. DSs dad doesn’t drive.

He could never drive! DS I mean.

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What does your son's PIP money go on? Does dad work? Is the money towards rent?
You say he can't afford a taxi every time but is this not the case of every young person and he needs to then understand how to budget and that he gets X amount of money and has X amount for fun stuff. He can choose to go to his friends but know it will cost him £10 for a taxi.
What would happen if you suddenly had an accident and couldn't drive any more...would you then be expecting your partner to drive him around?

I think you are being unreasonable. It isn't fair to your DH and extended family for you to keep altering plans at the last minute for your DS.
You need to work again on planning or accepting he can't have everything just as he wants.
So could you give him a calendar with days marked out when you have plans when you can't give him lifts? Or say only alternate Saturdays and then plan with your DH only on the other alternates?

Enablers always shock me, they give a pisshead a drink, a drug addict drugs and this man a taxi service detriment to everyone else and their plans even though they seem to do EVERYTHING else they want to do, but nooooooo they can't get on a bus or taxi nooooooo there must be a reason you are the only one who can drop everything and be a 24hr taxi service for them, wake up!

This nonsense has to stop and your husband is 100% correct, I'm not saying never do it but if you have made plans they he has to make alternative arrangements it's that simple.

Do you never say no to your son or make him adapt his plans? This is an important life skill regardless of his autism (I say that as someone who is autistic myself). You’re not going to be around forever, how is he going to cope in the future when you have pandered to his every whim and made him believe the world revolves around him? You also need to work towards him using public transport because you will not be available to drive him forever, what if you become ill and have a period where you can’t drive? You haven’t given your son any skills to cope without you to the extent he can’t even cope with you not picking him up at the exact time he wants!

You’d already messed your DH around changing plans so you could pick up your son at 12:00 and then your nephew at 1:00z When your son then said 12 didn’t work for him you should have said ‘Sorry, I have plans at 1pm so I can only do 12:00’ and worked with him to make a plan of how he would spend that hour between being dropped off and meeting his friends (eg: sit in a cafe, walk around shops, go to the library to use the computers) - you shouldn’t have just expected your DP and your 5yo nephew to have their plans completely revolve around your adult son, especially when it’s obviously not ideal to have a 5yo sat in the car for well over an hour just so you can ferry your son around!

Your DH is right. It is very unfair expecting a 5 year old to sit in a car for an hour longer than necessary.
At 27 even with autism he needs to understand that not everyone is going to just drop everything for him and he needs to be more self sufficient. You could have helped with the cost of a taxi, his Dad could have helped with cost of a taxi, your sone could have also had to pay towards it. He needs to pay to learn that there is a cost to what he's asking people to do for him!!

What will happen in the future when you are older and when maybe you cannot drive any more?

I think giving him a lift when it suits your plans is fine, but he needs to ask in advance and you need to not cancel or inconvenience other people for a last minute request.

OP, i have a mildly autistic child but a moderately autistic niece and a severely autistic nephew. Autism is a spectrum so i understand the difficulties and challenges you face.

It isbauch a mental health challenge the constant worrying about them and wanting to protect them while also doing your best to ensure they have a fulfilling enjoyable life.

If your DS is able to have friends and arrange to go out to meet them, all without your input. Then he should have been taught how to be self-sufficient (to an extent) around transport/getting himself around. Especially as he lives with a parent who cannot drive. But more especially, for adult life and for the fact that his parents would not be around forever.

I am solidly with your DH on this one.

Your DS father and yourself need to start teaching him how to find his way around ASAP. For the sake of DS and for the sake of your mental health and for the sake of your marriage.

Ok to answer another point - they live in a village where busses are only every hour. From there the bus takes 45 minutes to get to the city centre - he’d then need to take another bus at the station to get to where he needs to be. He couldn’t manage the 2nd bus, he’d get confused and stressed out.

His dad doesn’t work. They get shopping delivered and rarely leave the village. Hence why it’s so important that he gets out to socialise.

Beach is only 45 mins away

DH is keen for DS to move into supported living in our city but his dad is against this so it’s difficult

Agree with PPs who have said you are coddling and enabling his helplessness. Autism or not, if he’s able to socialise with friends he will have to learn how to get to and from the socialising.

Has anyone actually done the journey with him to get the second bus until he is comfortable? That would be the most sensible thing to do, not just assume he can’t do it and give up. Empower him instead of wrapping him in cotton wool.

He got frustrated and stressed out trying to order a sandwich in subway once - ended up walking out as too many options and he got confused.

last time I dropped him off at cinema to meet his friends it transpired that he’d got the wrong cinema, they were all at a different one so he ended up watching the movie alone as he didn’t know what else to do

I have a child with adhd and autism,

we also live in the sticks and public transport is basically non existent.

i do feel for you asI also worry about my child not socialising much.

i think some conversations here might help.

is this a regular meet up that DS goes to? If so, you can say to DH, ok every third Saturday (or whatever) I want to keep free for DS.

if not, or if it’s a case of when DS feels up to it you could try alternating Saturdays - spend one Saturday with DS anyway whether he is going out or not - maybe take him for a walk or coffee or whatever his special interest is - and the next Saturday is time for DH and his family.

I mean this kindly because I have a disabled adult child too but this isn’t a good long term living plan for your son. Living in the sticks with no means of transport isn’t sustainable and you really need to think about getting him set up for a more independent life with as much support as he needs. You and his dad are going to get old and one day neither of you is going to be there. You may be prioritising his needs now but you’re not doing the best for him in the long term.

You’re massively inconveniencing the rest of your family and are being completely unreasonable and you’re not even helping your son in the long run

I think this I'd a great idea. He would have some independence and be closer to his friends, and I'm guessing a town? Shops? Etc. He's 27, not many 27s want to live some where so rural I wouldn't have thought? What does your ds say about this?

You’re still assuming he couldn’t do it based on how he has reacted to different scenarios in the past though. Going with him, offering lots of reassurance and helping him grow in confidence would alleviate his panic at the unknown and eventually lead him to far greater independence. That is better in the long run than protecting him from short term discomfort or unease, surely? You can’t give him lifts forever and ever.

DS likes the idea as his friend lives there too. It would be a 10 min drive from our house. However his dad isn’t keen as then he’d never see him.

Supported housing is an excellent idea! I work with disabled people, and they flourish in supported accommodation. Remember he needs to be more independent otherwise he's going to spiral when his parents pass on. Your husband doesn't have a say because your son is an adult. I'd contact social services to discuss this with him.

I understand the need to support your son’s activities, but you cannot be a 24/7 on call taxi service.

I understand your husband’s perspective here- you are messing everyone else around with last- minute changes of plan.

You need to explain to your son that you also have plans so cannot be available to give lifts at all times. Could you all use a shared Google calendar?

Since his dad has all the time in the world can't he just go with him on the bus and then meet him when it's time to go home again? At least on those occasions you actually have other plans.

That’s really sad. You son deserves more from life than living out in a village with his father. He has friends and is obviously capable of independent travel so why shouldn’t he live as independently as any other young man?

As from which, it’s not his father’s decision. If you engage with social services and they son moving on - and they will because he will have capacity to make that decision - then there’s nothing his father can do to stop it.

it really upsets me when parents think they’re protecting their adult children but are actually not working in their best interests

Autistic people can still be told no I have plans. Or I can take you at 12pm but not 1pm. She doesn't have to be available 24/7 at the detriment of herself and others.

This is very sad. It sounds like your son is more than ready to try and get some independence and he’s being held back by his father.