Boyfriend lied to me about getting banned from his gym

[ScarlettRunner]

Hi all,

I would appreciate a bit of a hand hold here, I’ve only found out this morning and don’t know what to make of it all.

My boyfriend is really into the gym, goes most days etc. About a month ago he told me he was changing gyms as he needed a bit of a change of scenery and because his had got really busy, I felt it was odd as I know he really liked it there but thought nothing more of it.

Out shopping this morning I bumped into an old colleague who also goes to the original gym. We had small talk and she asked how my BF is, and said she thought it was ‘harsh’ what happened to him.

I asked what she meant and she was apologetic and said she thought I knew, and that her understanding was my BF had his membership cancelled due to a complaint by another member, and that I’d need to ask him about it.

I phoned him as soon as I left that shop, and he admitted this was true. He says he made what he thought was an innocent comment which was laughed off by a woman in there at the time but she complained to staff after and he received an email re. the cancellation.

Anyway, he said a woman was doing squats and he joked to her after ‘I thought your leggings were going to split’.

He didn’t want to tell me about this because he tonight I’d be annoyed but he says he feels hard done by and that he was clearly joking.

I can’t work out whether I’m right to be upset about the comment or if it’s him hiding it which is making it feel worse, it’s just a bit embarrassing all round.

He’s adamant the gym over-reacted and to be fair, that’s what my old colleague suggested too.

I think they overreacted… She was clearly offended though so he misjudged it.
If he is a decent guy and this was a one off - an apology and warning might have been better.

I think it's an inappropriate comment, and would have made the woman very uncomfortable.

The lying would be a serious problem, and because you know he has lied, is his explanation 100% true? Was that actually what he said, was it really just the one comment the one time, etc. How do you believe anything he says now when you know he is already trying to cover himself?

It was inappropriate.

The fact that he lied to you at the time would also make me think he may have said something even worse and could still be lying to you.

Grim! wouldn’t want to continue dating a man who would say that to a woman he doesn’t know at the gym.

Wow you've got a prince there, He sounds like a bit of a d*ck. Is that the sort of comment he makes often?

He will most likely be minimising the reason(s) he was banned.

Anybody clued up knows that any behaviour suggestive of leering is not on, especially when a woman is just going about her business.
Unfortunately, your boyfriend was on the lech spectrum, key words being "woman", "squats".
The missing key words are "watching her bum encased in lycra whilst she was doing squats an exercise commonly used to increase/tone the glutes.
He's an idiot, at best.
How did he think his comment to a stranger would be interpreted ?
And how was him being banned become an overreaction?
He was either sexually harrassing or negging a paying customer of the gym.
If he, your friend and yourself are to stupid to see that, open your own gym where unsolicited opinions and come ons can fly free.

Not a gym-goer, but to my understanding men like your partner is exactly the reason quite a lot of women don’t like going to the gym and/or have found a women’s only gym.

Sorry, sucks to be with a man who is the problem.
What are you going to do? I hope not make excuses…

Oh men and their little jokes. Why would anyone minding their own business at a gym be bothered by an unsolicited comment like this. Twat. Hopefully he will learn to keep his stupid comments to himself but probably not.

He knows it was inappropriate which is why he lied to you about ‘changing gyms’.

Gosh your tone is so unpleasant.

It's inappropriate but being kicked out of the gym sounds like a massive over-reaction!

Is that honestly all he did? That would be my main worry, that there's more to the story.

Tbh from my experience, sometimes when a friend/acquaintance words something like ‘how’s your BF, it was bad what so and so said/did to him’ sometimes it’s their way of letting you gently know in case you already didn’t that your BF was up to something that you as the GF may not know about which in this case you didn’t. I’m pretty sure the person who told you was trying to kind of ‘warn’ you as they likely knew he wouldn’t have told you about so doesn’t necessarily really mean they think it was harsh. Just another opinion. Personally I think it is correct for him to be removed as that’s pretty outrageous to say to someone you don’t even know. I mean it’s one thing to think it but to say it out loud also! We don’t know what the complainant may have already experienced previously and especially perhaps if like me she’s overweight that could really destroy you if you were struggling like some women do to get over their gym attendance insecurities. It’s not the end of the world for him, he can just go elsewhere and hopefully he’s learnt his lesson. Though like a lot of other posters, it does leave me wondering if there was more to this but regardless as least you know what he’s like.

Not as unpleasant as her letchy boyfriend

Have you asked to see the email he received from the gym? It was an inappropriate comment but seems a bit extreme to ban someone on that basis. I’d want to see the email and to know if there was more to the story. But as others have said, it’s more worrying that he lied to you.

I would expect them to have a word with him about that, but probably not to ban him - which makes me wonder if there was more to it than that.

It was an inappropriate comment but I am surprised the gym cancelled his membership over this- do you think this was the first complaint?

I don’t think it’s an extreme reaction to ban your boyfriend at all, gyms are safe space and a lot of people feel their most vulnerable in the gym, especially in tight clothes etc.

I was blessed cursed with a massive arse even though I’m not big at all and sometimes I feel uncomfortable when people look at it. If someone made a comment to me about my body / made it clear they were watching my bum I would absolutely complain and expect not to see them there again.

your boyfriend sounds disgusting and if he’s happy to make a comment like that to a stranger in a gym what other “flirty” jokes does he make to women in more acceptable settings?

Yeah I did question him and when I got home he was able to show me the email the manager sent him which explained the reasoning and quoted what he said word for word.

He also showed me a message to
him from one of the staff who basically said the woman who complained is a known pain in the arse and she wouldn’t have let it go if he wasn’t banned. The message said the staff found the comment funny as it was clearly a joke…

There’s a reason that woman is at the gym and your bfs comment was unwarranted. It’s none of his business. It’s very telling that he didn’t say anything to you and effectively lied. He made the poor woman feel uncomfortable when she’s probably desperate to lose weight. Really not on. You as a woman already know the shitty pressures we have to endure as a woman daily.

Anyone making comments to someone else at the gym to make them feel uncomfortable and unsafe doesn’t deserve to be there. My guess is the comment was likely more rude than he’s made it out to be, or it’s not the first issue they’ve had with him. Props to the gym though for a zero tolerance policy for this crap. I’d be very pleased to know a gym actually took that seriously and acted. He sounds like an embarrassment as boyfriends go.

He might be downplaying the comment. That is over reaction so I suspect something else was said or done.

sounds like the woman might be on here reading some of the most bitter comments 😂

If that's all it is, I would just tell my BF is an idiot and he was completely inappropriate and forget about it all. Would you and I comment on a guy's butt to his face? Of course not. we just comment between ourselves 😂

It clearly got the message if he was embarrassed to tell you. I'd be upset about the lie, but I can see why he would feel so stupid he would be embarrassed to tell you he's been banned from his gym.

That message from the member of staff was grossly inappropriate.

Regardless of what the staff think of the complainant, BF still was inappropriate and it’s pretty unprofessional of the gym staff to have downplayed the woman’s experience and say ‘it was clearly a joke’ - funnily it always is when you’re not the target of it. With all due respect, I bet your BF wouldn’t find it hilarious if eg you stated to him an unknown male approached you just to say that 🙄. Urgh puts me off joining a gym even more so now!