Boyfriend lied to me about getting banned from his gym

[ScarlettRunner]

Hi all,

I would appreciate a bit of a hand hold here, I’ve only found out this morning and don’t know what to make of it all.

My boyfriend is really into the gym, goes most days etc. About a month ago he told me he was changing gyms as he needed a bit of a change of scenery and because his had got really busy, I felt it was odd as I know he really liked it there but thought nothing more of it.

Out shopping this morning I bumped into an old colleague who also goes to the original gym. We had small talk and she asked how my BF is, and said she thought it was ‘harsh’ what happened to him.

I asked what she meant and she was apologetic and said she thought I knew, and that her understanding was my BF had his membership cancelled due to a complaint by another member, and that I’d need to ask him about it.

I phoned him as soon as I left that shop, and he admitted this was true. He says he made what he thought was an innocent comment which was laughed off by a woman in there at the time but she complained to staff after and he received an email re. the cancellation.

Anyway, he said a woman was doing squats and he joked to her after ‘I thought your leggings were going to split’.

He didn’t want to tell me about this because he tonight I’d be annoyed but he says he feels hard done by and that he was clearly joking.

I can’t work out whether I’m right to be upset about the comment or if it’s him hiding it which is making it feel worse, it’s just a bit embarrassing all round.

He’s adamant the gym over-reacted and to be fair, that’s what my old colleague suggested too.

I guess he's implying he's watching her arse, which is quite creepy. I commend the gym for kicking him out as they do have strict rules. What's point if people can be creepy and then continue to be there? Who says he wasn't warned before. Can't help but think a guy like this, it won't be the first time he's made an "innocent comment"

Nah, I’ve been a gym goer for 20 years and inappropriate men are one of the biggest issues there that make women uncomfortable. They did the right thing by kicking him out.

The fact he didn't say anything to OP says it all really. The comment is even more creepy given it was a subtle one, he obviously thought he'd get away with it

‘Women need to…’

’the gym needs to…’

Maybe it’s men that ‘need to’ change their behaviour?

The flag is the lying? Which suggests in future he also won’t communicate things he thinks you won’t like. He sounds immature and a lot of effort, the comment isn’t funny and I’d be worried he engaged in this sort of ‘banter’ with his mates and doesn’t think about the sexist stereotypes. The fact the woman is stunning is even worse

I'm going be really honest if I was in the gym and a bloke said this to me I would 100% laugh it of would definitely not be offered and would probably agree with him but I'm old school there's nothing wrong with an innocent joke or comment. You can all come at me but this world has gone so sensitive in 5 years time you won't be able sneeze without making a social media apology. Me personally if my hubby had said this and he'd got banned I'd be going in and speaking with both her and the gym 🙄

Also he might have been worried that you would take it wrong that's why he didn't saying anything. I'm far from nieve but I'd have my hubby back until proven diffrent

We dont know she laughed it off - we only have the words of a proven liar.

Her reaction whatever it was is irrelevent - his actions as the perpetrator (leering and commenting) are relevant and illegal and he could be charged with sexual harrasment under the Equalities Act 2010.

Different people react in different ways to threat - fight, flight, freeze, fawn or flop - in order to keep themselves safe. Her mind and body was triggered to fawn in this instance.

Me personally if my hubby had said this and he'd got banned I'd be going in and speaking with both her and the gym

Grim.

They're not going to unless inappropriate behaviour by them is challenged and it has consequences. Apologists like @ScarlettRunner and several other posters on this thread simply perpetuate it and their attitude is despicable.

People like you are apologists. I would hope the gym and the woman would treat you with the contempt you would deserve if you pulled a stunt like that.

His comment was really sleazy. Just because the woman is stunning, as you say, doesn’t mean she deserves men like your OH looking at her body and commenting on it in that way. She might have her insecurities like anyone else. It could have been interpreted as he was making a comment about her weight or the tightness of her clothing or even just the fact he was clearly looking at her backside!
This is how internalised mysogyny shows itself. Man makes inappropriate comment about woman’s body, woman calls him out, woman gets labelled a bit of a troublemaker and she isn’t to be taken seriously because she often stands up for herself 🙄 how dare she?
Now he is on his high horse about ‘how he was treated’.

I am (very) old school too. I was conditioned when younger to think random unsolicited comments on my body by strange men was just how things worked and almost acceptable. They absolutely are not.

I would probably laugh it off too (while thinking what a creep and wishing he would piss off and leave me be).

Thankfully the world has changed, and I like to think that is partly because of some of my generation not accepting behaviour that made them uncomfortable whether that was Page 3 models on workplace walls, mandatory skirt/heel wearing, better maternity leave etc. The momentum of positive change is continuing and also means women are less accepting of creepy behaviour. Men need to stop being creepy.

The younger generation could learn a lot from many old school thinking and values. Accepting creepy behaviour isn't one of them. You need to break free from your early years conditioning.

It was a sleazy comment.

Having said that presumably the trend for leggings that look like they're being hoiked up your arse crack is because people want their arses to be noticed.

I agree in the past we were expected to tolerate and brush off wandering hands, groins pushed against us, peeping Toms and the masterbating local flasher.

What we now know is that these 'low level' sexual abuse and assualts can lead to much more serious sexual crimes including femicide.

We need zero tolerance of any level sexual harassment in order to shine a light on predators.

WTAF?

Jeez this thread! So 'she was asking for it, dressed like that'?

I have never experienced that from women at the gym. Ever.

'I thought your leggings were gonna split'

That's creepy. I can imagine him saying it and licking his lips like old Steptoe 🤮

I have no problem with having a laugh in the gym but that's not on. Creepy little man.

Yes I do know that, but the fact that poster merely focused on what women and the gym need to do, with no mention of what men need to do really irked me. It’s always up to the women, isn’t it?

How will men know if nobody tells them. They clearly think it is ok.

Most men don't behave like him FFS.

How do we know?

How does the gym know?

Did you need to be taught that staring at a strangers ass and making a comment about it isn't ok? The ones that do it - they know, they just don't care.

This thread is unbelievable. Not only did he comment on her leggings but to say that they were going to split, he must have been watching her working out. How is that not gross?