Boyfriend lied to me about getting banned from his gym

[ScarlettRunner]

Hi all,

I would appreciate a bit of a hand hold here, I’ve only found out this morning and don’t know what to make of it all.

My boyfriend is really into the gym, goes most days etc. About a month ago he told me he was changing gyms as he needed a bit of a change of scenery and because his had got really busy, I felt it was odd as I know he really liked it there but thought nothing more of it.

Out shopping this morning I bumped into an old colleague who also goes to the original gym. We had small talk and she asked how my BF is, and said she thought it was ‘harsh’ what happened to him.

I asked what she meant and she was apologetic and said she thought I knew, and that her understanding was my BF had his membership cancelled due to a complaint by another member, and that I’d need to ask him about it.

I phoned him as soon as I left that shop, and he admitted this was true. He says he made what he thought was an innocent comment which was laughed off by a woman in there at the time but she complained to staff after and he received an email re. the cancellation.

Anyway, he said a woman was doing squats and he joked to her after ‘I thought your leggings were going to split’.

He didn’t want to tell me about this because he tonight I’d be annoyed but he says he feels hard done by and that he was clearly joking.

I can’t work out whether I’m right to be upset about the comment or if it’s him hiding it which is making it feel worse, it’s just a bit embarrassing all round.

He’s adamant the gym over-reacted and to be fair, that’s what my old colleague suggested too.

If he's hidden and lied about it then whatever was said was probably the last straw. Not a first incident.

Hopefully it's taught him a lesson.

Laddy/jokey = inappropriate and pervy.

His behaviour was totally unnecessary and inappropriate, a form of sexual harassment.

The member of staff taking his side is someone who thinks its totally acceptable for women to have to accept being sexually harrassed by strangers while they are at the gym.

You condoning it makes you part of the problem too OP.

Why do you think it was acceptable for this woman to have to experience this?

Presumably if he had actually groped her?
As I said, low bar

Blimey. If I were a female member of the gym and I heard staff held the view that it was funny for their male members to make sexist, body shaming comments to their female members, thought it was funny and only banned him because the woman concerned ‘wouldn’t let it go’ (aka could stand up for herself…) I’d be resigning my membership pronto. How vile.

I would give him the benefit of the doubt if he's not usually saying stuff like this. I've said an almost identical comment to a guy before, although in that case I a) knew him well, and b) we both knew it was a joke because he'd literally split his trousers doing a similar move in the past. Someone listening who didn't know us might have been outraged of course.

I'd be less impressed that he'd hidden it from me.

Yup. That’s the difference. You didn’t say it. Because it’s none of your business. You knew that. The guy in question didn’t.

This story sounds off and does not ring true.

Her being a known complainer doesn't make his comment any less inappropriate. Good on her for taking a zero tolerance approach to sexual harassment. And good on the gym for backing her up. Women need more people calling out this kind of low level every day sexism for what it is.

He was ogling a woman’s arse at the gym, said something completely inappropriate, and got caught. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s minimized it to you. I know I’d be mortified if that happened to me, and I would be very upset if my BF did it to another woman.

What about the lie? Would you be so desperate to keep this clown that you would ignore the fact he blatantly lied to you? What a low bar you must have.

Agree ... so from sexual harassment to sexual assault - seemingly some posters believe sexual harassment is acceptable and only sexual assault crosses the line.

It feels like it perhaps was not a one off incident and he has downplayed what was said. Did he even apologise? To her or you?

Just when women squat? Or do men’s clothes stretch then too? It’s what leggings are designed for.

@Cornoffthecobyeah, so hard to be a man these days.

The problem with many men is that they’re just so fucking arrogant they think everyone needs to know their ‘banter’.

Also, I doubt she was offended as such. She probably just found it irritating and embarrassing to have a stranger make such a comment to her.

amazing how the many women on this thread might THINK the comment in private but have the good sense not to voice it. And yet such social tact is such an ARDUOUS STRUGGLE for men.

Yeah, poor men, right enough.

He also showed me a message to
him from one of the staff who basically said the woman who complained is a known pain in the arse and she wouldn’t have let it go if he wasn’t banned. The message said the staff found the comment funny as it was clearly a joke…

If you were any sort of human being you would take this message to the gym management to show them the degrading stance this employee has towards female customers.

It was a vile comment. And why bring the behaviour of women into it? This is about a man’s behaviour - and it’s not as uncommon as you think. There’s a reason I go to a PT with a private gym.

I’d be annoyed if he made a comment like that to a woman at the gym. I’d explain to him that women often feel unsafe in spaces like gyms, and that comments like this can add to that sense of discomfort. I’d be even more upset that he lied about it.

However, we’re all human and we all make mistakes. This could be a valuable opportunity for him to learn. What matters now is what he does with this knowledge — whether he takes responsibility for having said something that could feel invasive and inappropriate, and whether he acknowledges that lying about it made things worse.

If he can do that, it could still be ok for both of you.

So he was attempting to chat her up. Does that make it better or worse than an insulting joke to a fatty?

No wonder he lied. Then tried to blame on the woman (she complains about everything).

How long have you been together? At least you know he pervs over other women and hits on them when you aren't there.

I'd move on. At some stage, one woman will say yes and the relationship will be over anyway.

Gyms should have a zero tolerance policy for harassment. It’s so easy for people to be deterred from exercising. Everyone deserves to be able to come to the gym.

It’s also just good business. Weeding out the negative energy means more customers in the long run.

You think harassment is funny?

Badly handled all around. Your boyfriend's comment was inappropriate. Did he even know the woman he was making the comment to? Would he have done the same to a man? I doubt it in both cases. She was right to complain. I do think the gym overreacted and are a bit spineless/part of the problem.

She is "a pain"? So they only banned him to cover their own asses? Spineless. They could have given him a warning and banned him if it had happened again. Then again, this may not be his first offense, given OP describes him as "laddish". In either case, they thought that his comments were fine when they weren't.

I do think the boyfriend is no price. Laddish behavior, inappropriate comments to strange women and lying about the consequences of his actions. That would be it for me, with both the boyfriend and the gym, if I were a member.

What does laddy mean, OP?
You sound quite permissive of his behaviour, OP.

It doesn’t matter if she was fat or not, he was still commenting on the size - saying it was about to burst out of her clothes. He wanted to indicate to her he was watching and see if she was interested.

Just to address a couple of the replies (including the charming request to STFU-such anger!) - I am not defending him at all. I have stated he should not have said it. I was just interested on some other views as the non MN ones I’ve heard all think the gym over-reacted.

Are you thinking of following up with references to banter and snowflakes?

How about, why is he now on her IG? 🤮