Boyfriend lied to me about getting banned from his gym

[ScarlettRunner]

Hi all,

I would appreciate a bit of a hand hold here, I’ve only found out this morning and don’t know what to make of it all.

My boyfriend is really into the gym, goes most days etc. About a month ago he told me he was changing gyms as he needed a bit of a change of scenery and because his had got really busy, I felt it was odd as I know he really liked it there but thought nothing more of it.

Out shopping this morning I bumped into an old colleague who also goes to the original gym. We had small talk and she asked how my BF is, and said she thought it was ‘harsh’ what happened to him.

I asked what she meant and she was apologetic and said she thought I knew, and that her understanding was my BF had his membership cancelled due to a complaint by another member, and that I’d need to ask him about it.

I phoned him as soon as I left that shop, and he admitted this was true. He says he made what he thought was an innocent comment which was laughed off by a woman in there at the time but she complained to staff after and he received an email re. the cancellation.

Anyway, he said a woman was doing squats and he joked to her after ‘I thought your leggings were going to split’.

He didn’t want to tell me about this because he tonight I’d be annoyed but he says he feels hard done by and that he was clearly joking.

I can’t work out whether I’m right to be upset about the comment or if it’s him hiding it which is making it feel worse, it’s just a bit embarrassing all round.

He’s adamant the gym over-reacted and to be fair, that’s what my old colleague suggested too.

@Cornoffthecob

"Unfortunately people cant say anything now because others are too ‘easily offended’. God I’ve had worse than that said to me in my lifetime"

I know this will fall on deaf ears, but it's not about being easily offended. It's about ending male entitlement. Since time began men have felt free to talk to women any way they like. I was a teenager in the 70's and jesus christ, men thought they could say (and often do) absolutely anything. Like we were property and barely human. If we didn't laugh it off in a suitably sweet and girly way, we were branded lesbians or mentally ill - or both. Women shouldn't have to spend their lives poised for the next comment about their body from a complete stranger, or finding humourous and clever ways to fend them off. I shouldn't feel too sorry for this bloke if I was you.

I can't believe the number of pp who actually think the gym was over reacting!

It must be a very unpleasant place for women members if the staff actually side with the male members sexually harassing them.

I can't understand OP appearing not to be bothered by his behaviour. That he pervs on other women while he is at the gym doesn't seem to be an issue for her. But I suppose if she is happy to be in a relationship with a man she describes as " laddish " I expect she is used to putting up with a lot of behaviour many women would find unacceptable.

It's just another sad MN thread where women can't get on with doing normal everyday things without being harassed and made to feel uncomfortable.
And another sad thread where some women are happy to condone and minimise men's disgusting attitudes and behaviour.

Its likely that they have a behaviour policy that he read and signed up to on joining that he violated.

"Stunning figure" ... yes he was leering at her butt - she must be sick of creeps like him.

How do you feel about him doubling down and minimising it?

Has he learnt anything - does he have any respect or empathy for women and their personal space? Did he offer to apologise to the lady rather than justifying his actions as a 'joke' - thats what all the creeps say. Grim.

Agreed. That member of staff should be disciplined. Are you going to inform the gym @ScarlettRunner ?

He shouldn’t have said it. He basically said I was checking out your arse. Which is probably why he didn't tell you.

"Sexual harassment is illegal in the UK and can be a criminal offense. It's considered unlawful under the Equality Act 2010 and can also be prosecuted under the Protection from Harassment Act 1997. Specific behaviors, such as unwanted touching or comments of a sexual nature, can be grounds for criminal charges if they cause distress or alarm."

Looks to me that the gym could be liable for your BFs criminal behaviour.

He stared at a woman squatting, then made it clear he’d been letching and objectifying her, to the point she felt uncomfortable, then he lied to you. Overreaction from the gym or not, or this woman being a PITA or not (what are your bfs friends basing this on? Her not thinking men commenting on her arse is hilarious?) I wouldn’t appreciate my DP doing any of that anyway.

She's filming her workouts and putting them on social media for anyone to see?

Oh dear. It might be a big leap, but I can picture a few people like this.
I would just move on from there and forget about it. I absolutely think the gym over-reacted.

I wish gyms could crack down on people who confuse a public gym with their private recording studio. Some people would love to concentrate on their own workouts as it happens.

Don't get me wrong, if he was using his stupid Joke as a chat-up line, I would not forgive him, but because it's awful 😂

Any what about the fact he lied to you? Are you seriously remaining in a relationship with a man you cannot trust?

Don’t usually comment on this kind of thread but I’m so glad the gym in question took the action they did. Sorry he lied to you though!

Why did he have to say anything to her at all?

What was he hoping by it?

The comment is innocent in my opinion. Way ott to ban him for such a comment. It's fine don't split it because of this if there aren't other issues.

While MN can be a bit brutal I would be surprised if any of your friends and family are going to be as truthful.
They won't want to say that your BF is a letch and should have beeen banned

You don't know whether he knew her or not.

I was also a teenager in the 70’s and I know times have changed regarding whats acceptable and whats not. My point is too many women have jumped on the bandwagon and take everything as an insult or sexually motivated comment. I didn't say I agreed with what OP’s boyfriend said, he should have kept that to himself but as I read it he passed by this gym goer and made a stupid comment. If he had been hanging over the top of her harrassing her or even if this had been one in a long line of comments he made to her then she had every right to complain about him. Lots of posters on here making this a lot more seedy and sexually motivated than more than likely intended.

the woman who complained is a known pain in the arse and she wouldn’t have let it go if he wasn’t banned.

Would it really be up to her if he was banned or not?

Are there not Ts&Cs at play here?

If she's such a pita why didn't they tell her that what he had done wasn't a banning offence & she was free to go elsewhere?

Wasn't it just and I'm betting it was from a male member of staff.
The boyfriend wants to keep his quips to himself.. idiot.

You don’t think the fact he lied to OP is an ‘issue’?

as the non MN ones I’ve heard all think the gym over-reacted.

Oh thats convenient - where did you source them from?

You BF illegally carried out a criminal act of sexual harassment against a woman on a business's premises and and the gym over reacted by banning him?

Would it be an over reaction from a retailer to ban some from stealing from their premises?

I would have laughed it off myself. Are you sure that's all what happened? Because of it is I think it's an over reaction from the woman and the gym

You BF illegally carried out a criminal act of sexual harassment against a woman on a business's premises and and the gym over reacted by banning him?

speaking of over-reactions...

@ScarlettRunnerthat “STFU” was directed towards idiot men like your boyfriend.

That anger among many of us has been brewing over decades of being leered at and subjected to smart ass comments but men substantially less intelligent than we are.

It’s absolutely righteous anger, and MN is one of the few spaces on the internet it’s fully understood. So kindly don’t try to quench or silence it.

Women are allowed to be angry: it’s often a catalyst for change. We don’t have to #bekind the entire time.

What about her tone was unpleasant? Perfectly reasonable comment and question. He IS part of the problem and I don't believe for a second that was the only comment he made, generally people minimise when caught out.

Comments like that from men are why I stopped going to the gym. They make it such an uncomfortable environment that many women give up something that is so helpful for physical and mental health.

We shouldn't need female only gyms, men should learn respect, but I won't be in mixed sex spaces when exercising anymore.

If my DH said that to a random woman I would be absolutely disgusted and the fact that he lied is a huge red flag. He will keep lying about things to cover his back in the future

Just as well the world is based on your 'opinion'.

He commited the criminal offense of sexual harassment under the 2010 Equalities Act. Bring it up with your MP if you believe the law should be reversed.