Boyfriend lied to me about getting banned from his gym

[ScarlettRunner]

Hi all,

I would appreciate a bit of a hand hold here, I’ve only found out this morning and don’t know what to make of it all.

My boyfriend is really into the gym, goes most days etc. About a month ago he told me he was changing gyms as he needed a bit of a change of scenery and because his had got really busy, I felt it was odd as I know he really liked it there but thought nothing more of it.

Out shopping this morning I bumped into an old colleague who also goes to the original gym. We had small talk and she asked how my BF is, and said she thought it was ‘harsh’ what happened to him.

I asked what she meant and she was apologetic and said she thought I knew, and that her understanding was my BF had his membership cancelled due to a complaint by another member, and that I’d need to ask him about it.

I phoned him as soon as I left that shop, and he admitted this was true. He says he made what he thought was an innocent comment which was laughed off by a woman in there at the time but she complained to staff after and he received an email re. the cancellation.

Anyway, he said a woman was doing squats and he joked to her after ‘I thought your leggings were going to split’.

He didn’t want to tell me about this because he tonight I’d be annoyed but he says he feels hard done by and that he was clearly joking.

I can’t work out whether I’m right to be upset about the comment or if it’s him hiding it which is making it feel worse, it’s just a bit embarrassing all round.

He’s adamant the gym over-reacted and to be fair, that’s what my old colleague suggested too.

the woman who complained is a known pain in the arse and she wouldn’t have let it go if he wasn’t banned.

This reads to me that this poor woman has been repeatedly harassed at the gym and made several complaints already - maybe against your BF and/or others.

So a pain in the arse is someone who dares to complain to the establishment she pays hard earned cash to who expect her to be exposed to and tolerate sexual harassment.

An unsolicited comment of a personal nature like that from a man would have made the woman very uncomfortable. He sounds like a creep (only you will know if it was a one off creepy incident or normal for him).

Getting back up from the other "lads" at the gym suggesting that the women was in the wrong for not tolerating creepy behaviour like that when she is just there to work out, doesn't mean he was hard done by.

its the sort of joke I’d make to a good friend, it’s strange he’s had to leave the gym as it seems an over reaction. He should have been honest with you from the start, this would be the issue for me

That is some low bar you have there

@ScarlettRunner He’s flirting with other women in the gym. He was commenting on the size of a woman’s arse while she does her exercise, indicating he’s watching her arse while she exercises. It’s not ok.
None of us would like that. He is playing it down.

Often when such a thing happens, people get a first warning from the management. The gym might have a zero policy for this, which is fair. So I do wonder whether this is a first offence.

I'm not sure how the voting is but yanbu to be annoyed by the comment or the lying. I don't think the gym overreacted. Women have the right to go to the gym without men ogling and commenting on them. Should have kept his mouth shut and concentrated on his own workout.

It’s clear from your posts that he doesn’t understand why what he said would upset someone.
A) jokes are normally funny
B) would he have said that to a man?
C) It may well have been her first day in the gym, she might have been trying to increase her fitness for years and then finally took the plunge…. To then have what most women new to the gym fear, that someone is watching them or even worse making fun of them; which is what he did.
D) He was obviously staring at her arse and let her know that he was

Sorry to tell you but the gym did not overact and it’s commendable that they took the action that they did. If they did then email making light of it saying she’s a pain in the arse then the place sounds like a total shit show anyway.

Step by step we can teach the men between leery comments versus ‘banter’ 🙄 and this is a great step in my opinion.

If someone said that to me I would laugh it off
The world has gone mad
People need to stop wanting to be offended by every mortal thing and grow up
Its Pathetic

Comment seems innocent enough (overreaction from the woman and gym).
Lying would annoy me, I would suspect there was more behind the ban, but your update says you saw the proof your bf not lying. I would let it go.

Oh fuck off it’s not an overreaction. What’s he making stupid comments to women he doesn’t know for? Just fucking leave people alone.

Honestly if my husband did this I’d b mortified to be married to the sort of man who thinks the world needs to hear his fucking opinion on everything. Just do your workout and stop commenting on anyone else.

FGs you sound like so much fun

He can be laddy/jokey so I can imagine he’s just said something to the wrong person. I don’t think he should have said it at all though.

It wasn’t said to a larger lady, he’s shown me the persons instagram page and she is usually filming her workouts etc, and she has got a stunning figure.

FGS in general

Who would the right person have been OP?

Do you think the poster would be more fun if she was happy to be ogled or to have her bum commented on by strange men? Stupid women spoiling men's fun by not enjoying being objectified.

Putting whatever was said aside, you will never be able to trust him. For me that’s the end of a relationship.

I'd imagine she's sick of blokes coming onto her.
The gym staff thinks she's a pain- maybe she's just getting harassed because of her body and isn't really a pain.

Agree. Sounds like the staff and the manager need to ban themselves whilst they're at it. It's obviously a toxic environment all round.

All the posters saying the gym overreacted… really???

I actually think it makes a refreshing change to see sexual harassment being taken seriously, because that’s what it was regardless of the intent. A comment like that implies he was looking at her bum and possibly had been watching her for a while so I don’t blame her for complaining.

Maybe he “meant it as a joke” but how was she to know that? How was she to know he wasn’t going to continue making comments… or watching her… or be waiting for her outside wanting to ask her a drink and then get mad when she said no… or be surreptitiously filming her and putting it online?

And the victim is dismissed as a PITA because she dared to challenge the unwanted behaviour.

Stop normalising this shit!

@ScarlettRunnerher size is completely irrelevant. He shouldn’t have said it. Neither should he have subsequently lied to you about it.

Women are sick, sore and tired of “laddy/jokey” guys getting in their way and making unwanted comments. We’ve had to put up with it for decades.

Honestly, just STFU.

but it could be worse.

Such as?

If she has a stunning figure, then he most certainly was trying to hit on her.

He hasn't 'just' done anything. He's made a comment, presumably with sexualised intent from what else you say about the victim, about a woman just trying to get on with her workout.
Being laddy isn't any sort of excuse and blaming the woman as somehow lacking in his shit sense of humor is pretty rank.

For god sake, hardly a reason to end a relationship!
He should have kept his mouth shut but a bit OTT reaction to cancel the membership. Unfortunately people cant say anything now because others are too ‘easily offended’. God I’ve had worse than that said to me in my lifetime and if I thought it was inappropriate I said as much at the time. She laughed then reported him afterwards. I would really hate to be a man these days. If a woman had said that to a man it would’ve been left there.

It is pretty low-grade to take the piss out of women at the gym. The lying about it shows he feels a bit ashamed. I would prefer that to having to listen to angry outrage at being banned. I am amazed that some people think it’s is flirting! Unless he is 14, I wouldn’t think it was flirting.