Boyfriend lied to me about getting banned from his gym

[ScarlettRunner]

Hi all,

I would appreciate a bit of a hand hold here, I’ve only found out this morning and don’t know what to make of it all.

My boyfriend is really into the gym, goes most days etc. About a month ago he told me he was changing gyms as he needed a bit of a change of scenery and because his had got really busy, I felt it was odd as I know he really liked it there but thought nothing more of it.

Out shopping this morning I bumped into an old colleague who also goes to the original gym. We had small talk and she asked how my BF is, and said she thought it was ‘harsh’ what happened to him.

I asked what she meant and she was apologetic and said she thought I knew, and that her understanding was my BF had his membership cancelled due to a complaint by another member, and that I’d need to ask him about it.

I phoned him as soon as I left that shop, and he admitted this was true. He says he made what he thought was an innocent comment which was laughed off by a woman in there at the time but she complained to staff after and he received an email re. the cancellation.

Anyway, he said a woman was doing squats and he joked to her after ‘I thought your leggings were going to split’.

He didn’t want to tell me about this because he tonight I’d be annoyed but he says he feels hard done by and that he was clearly joking.

I can’t work out whether I’m right to be upset about the comment or if it’s him hiding it which is making it feel worse, it’s just a bit embarrassing all round.

He’s adamant the gym over-reacted and to be fair, that’s what my old colleague suggested too.

Urgh puts me off joining a gym even more so now!

if I was put off using a gym, it's would be because of women to be honest. I've never been faced with any issue with men, maybe a one-off stupid interaction once or twice which are total non-issue. On the other hand, the nasty looks, whispering and blatantly nasty attitude of SOME weird women is horrendous.
I don't care, but I imagine if I was lacking confidence and self-conscious, it would put me right off.

I am not denying harassment exists, just that I have been lucky enough to avoid it. The stupid comment and bad joke here is not harassment.

This. One comment = an over-reaction (to me), I would have given a stern warning unless it happened again. I think he may be minimising what actually happened for one. And for two, he still lied to you - what else is he lying about? He sounds a misogynistic dick tbh, but you know him, does his explanation ring true? If I was him I’d be mortified though at what I said/did rather than annoyed at the gym - is he…?

I bet the fact he got banned and not just a warning means it wasn’t the first time something like this has happened. Sorry OP he is gross.

So what do you think?
Do you think what he said wasn't a big deal and the woman concerned was a "known pain in the arse"?

Why did he lie then if he believes he was the hard done by one? Why not tell you that he made a misjudged “joke” to a woman at the gym who is known by the staff as a nightmare and they asked him to leave the gym even though they didn’t feel it was warranted, because she would have kicked up a stink otherwise?

Why? Maybe because he is minimizing what he did and victim blaming? Staff at the gym sound just as bad as him.

Totes - women shouod just accept that when they’re exercising they are just asking for men to comment on their bodies and make sexually suggestive pervy comments to them. Just a bit of banter am I right!

im sure that if a man had said the exact same
thing to the boyfriend he would have totally taken it in good humor

It was an inappropriate comment

assuming that there isn’t more to the story, the gym overreacted and should have given him a warning. Any chance he had previously had a warning and he blew his last chance?

if he was genuinely remorseful and recognized it wasn’t on what he said I’d let it slide but I’d be more worried about the fact that he lied

He was commenting on her body in a sexually suggestive and pervy way. What exactly would you consider harassment if this is not it?

Hopefully other men will learn from this. It’s not ok, not even once.

Sounds like the gym were really over the top with this.

Yes, you’d rather your partner didn’t make comments like this, but it could be worse.

I’d be embarrassed, but I’d let it go.

Maybe there is/has been a laddish culture and the gym is making a definite stance on stopping it. Good for them if so

Imagine if the recipient was the sort of person to grind an axe on social media etc.

It's idiotic.

Why was it over the top?

If you are planning to keep this boyfriend long term, you might need to give him some lessons in how to talk to women, or how to keep his mouth shut.

When are men going to get it through their heads to stop making unasked for comments to women they don’t even know. If you have a mixed friendship group and you understand each other’s humour then you know where you can and can’t go, but don’t make comments to women you don’t know from Adam, who are minding their own business.

Who the fuck does he think he is making a comment like that to a stranger?! It’s not the lying, but he’s clearly a total bell end anyway.

The sooner men learn to stop commenting on the bodies of women, who are just trying to exist in public spaces, the better.
It doesn't matter if he was making a sexual comment, fat shaming her, speaking out of concern for the quality of the fabric she was wearing. It doesn't matter that he thought it was a joke. There was no need for him to comment to a woman he doesn't know about her bum. Ever.

Rape Crisis England & Wales defines sexual harassment as "unwanted sexual behavior that makes someone feel upset, scared, offended or humiliated".

Leering is considered an example of sexual harassment because it can be perceived as a sexual advance or suggestive look that is unwanted.

Your BF went further than oogling her backside - he decided to sexually harass her even further with his words.

Its important that society has a zero-tolerance policy of sexual harassment with a set of rules that strictly enforces consequences for any infraction, no matter how minor.

I find the minimising of it most distrurbing by you, your BF, your friend and the gym.

I would expect your BF to be accountable, make amends and learn from this.

Did he apologise to the lady. Has he expressed remorse even if he said he didnt realise it was offensive and sexual harassment - or is he doubling down that he was OK to say this. Where does he think he would have crossed the line? The third step of his sexual harrasment process after he had leered at her, then commented was to touch her.....do you think all women should have to endure this before consequences?

Thank goodness we can now go to managment anywhere to sort directly as it would be horrific if this poor women had to deal with your ignorant, denying, sex pest of a BF directly.

No, its not appropriate to comment to any random member such personal comments even if you imagine it is a joke. As a previous gym member I'd never dream of making a personal comment to anyone. I wonder if this is the first time there has been a complaint to be honest. Perhaps not . Hopefully he has learned his lesson and can now do his routines and keep this comments to himself.

I’m quite happy to hear the gym took this action. Maybe in your BF mind this was a harmless comment but it really isn’t acceptable. I hope this has shown him that commenting on women’s bodies is unwelcome / abusive. Imagine if another women said to your BF in a gym whislt he was squatting the same thing.

Yep, he's probably a lecherous sexist arsehole too.

Your bf shouldn't make comments to women he doesn't know. I wouldn't mind a friend joking like this but I would if it was a random man. I would tell him myself though and not go complain to the gym unless the guy had form for this.

He's either a fuck-wit, or he's trying to come on to other women (clumsily).

There is no reason for him to be making comments like that to random women.

If he truly thought it was ok and he was a victim, I'd fave thought he'd have told you about it. Instead of lying.

The litmus test of these things is always "would he have said it in front of her beefy boyfriend?"

Yes - misjudged comment and a mistake that could happen to anyone
No - pervert.