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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I took my daughter to a birthday party that she wasn’t invited to. Whoops.

203 replies

Browndoor25 · 25/04/2025 17:22

Let me start by saying I am having a tough time of it right now (think dog getting pts, flat tires, cat is on the verge of being pts, etc) and this week has been particularly hellish. I’m not telling you this to try and make you feel sorry for me, I am just trying to explain that I am going through a hard time so I am already feeling quite emotional and vulnerable and not very resilient which is why I reacted as I did.

I met up with a mum friend in the park yesterday and she said ‘X is having a birthday gathering at the beach tomorrow, X’s mum grabbed me today and said she is trying to catch everybody..’. Today X’s mum walked past me at drop off and I was expecting her to tell me about the birthday gathering but she didn't say anything to me, which I thought was odd. I thought maybe she knew that my friend had told me although I messaged my friend saying ‘are you sure we are invited as x’s mum didn’t say anything?’. She said ‘Yeah she said she was trying to catch everyone, she’s maybe thinking she had already told you, I can’t imagine she’d invite some kids and not others cause they’ve all been talking about it at nursery’. So along to the birthday we go, I get there and they look surprised to see me and said ‘we didn’t really invite the younger ones but you are welcome to stay and have some cake’. I instantly felt mortified but probably an overreaction on my part.

I went and sat along the beach where my friend was and some of the other kids were playing. I told my friend and she apologised and felt bad for us. I told her it was fine but I felt really awkward. It’s a village nursery so only twenty kids go, and she invited ten out of the twenty however two of the kids only started on Monday so it feels like she invited more than half of the class if you know what I mean. My daughter has been in nursery with her daughter since August and we knew each other beforehand through other birthday parties, village Xmas parties and toddler groups. We are friendly and usually say hi in passing so I was a little bit hurt, especially when another friend turned up with her little girl who is actually younger than my daughter and only started the nursery in Xmas. I guess it’s up to them who they have at the party but I was already feeling rubbish so this has been the cherry to top it off. My friend said I should have gone up to their beach hut to get a coffee and mingle but I honestly couldn’t face all those people with how I was feeling so I let my daughter have a little play on the beach for an hour then headed off.

OP posts:
KilkennyCats · 27/04/2025 16:29

NicolaCasanova · 27/04/2025 11:26

How rude of the parent to say your DD wasn’t invited! Presumably the outcome of her turning up would be a piece of cake, maybe a few crisps/snacks and a drink plus their DC and the others having one more to play with?

Plus an extra present for the birthday child, which I’ll bet she didn’t refuse.

Glitchymn1 · 27/04/2025 16:34

I was going to leave a laugh emoji on your post until I saw what you’ve been going through- I’m so sorry. .
It’s not a big deal, it really isn’t.
Hostess was a bit salty, but I suppose it’s a nightmare catering for so many people.
Take care of yourself and don’t worry.

Wonderberry · 27/04/2025 16:38

I agree it was rude of the mum to say anything to make you uncomfortable. I have had unexpected siblings turn up but we made them welcome, it's not their fault.

My kid once went uninvited to a party. He was in the park and came across a friend's party. Awkwardly we thought he had been invited and we had forgotten. They welcomed him,but we felt embarrassed about not having a present. Turns out he wasn't invited, but no harm in the end.

Moonnstars · 27/04/2025 16:44

Wonderberry · 27/04/2025 16:38

I agree it was rude of the mum to say anything to make you uncomfortable. I have had unexpected siblings turn up but we made them welcome, it's not their fault.

My kid once went uninvited to a party. He was in the park and came across a friend's party. Awkwardly we thought he had been invited and we had forgotten. They welcomed him,but we felt embarrassed about not having a present. Turns out he wasn't invited, but no harm in the end.

@Wonderberry but you hopefully rectified this by giving them a present the next day and apologising for mistakingly thinking he was invited.

Wonderberry · 27/04/2025 16:53

Moonnstars · 27/04/2025 16:44

@Wonderberry but you hopefully rectified this by giving them a present the next day and apologising for mistakingly thinking he was invited.

I tried to give a present but they refused and I don't know where they live. I apologised for not knowing he was invited as we had genuinely thought we had forgotten: they had said it was lovely to see him and welcomed him in. It was all ok but a bit awkward.

KilkennyCats · 27/04/2025 17:00

Wonderberry · 27/04/2025 16:38

I agree it was rude of the mum to say anything to make you uncomfortable. I have had unexpected siblings turn up but we made them welcome, it's not their fault.

My kid once went uninvited to a party. He was in the park and came across a friend's party. Awkwardly we thought he had been invited and we had forgotten. They welcomed him,but we felt embarrassed about not having a present. Turns out he wasn't invited, but no harm in the end.

Nice of the Mum to welcome you in, but seriously, you thought you’d “forgotten” being invited?
Surely not?

WiddlinDiddlin · 27/04/2025 17:17

Oh fuck no - this is ALL on Party Mum.

She's held a party in a public place.

She's told people she's inviting everyone and doing so in a very vague, informal way.

Then she's told you a fucking lie - 'we were really only inviting the older ones' when that is patently not true.

If she wants a party with specific invitees, that is fine, but holding it in a public place and telling others she's inviting everyone isn't on.

She should have just welcomed you and your kid to the party and not mentioned a word, the error is entirely hers.

Mannerless pig.

Allwillbewell2 · 27/04/2025 17:43

Was there party bags? To be honest if she didn't have enough she may have felt the need to stipulate your lack of invite so when it came to handing them out your child didn't take someone else's. Imagine her embarrassment otherwise looking like she hadn't provided enough for every invited child.

littlesnatchabook · 27/04/2025 18:46

It really doesn't sound like your fault. Or the host's - she didn't ask your friend to spread the word, just said she was trying to catch everyone. It's your friends fault really but she meant well. However, the host mum really didn't have to let you know you weren't invited. It would make anyone feel like shit. She should have been gracious and welcomed you like anyone else and nobody would have been any the wiser.

blueleavesgreensky · 27/04/2025 21:12

Hols2024 · 25/04/2025 17:45

Oh wow so rude to say you’re trying to catch everyone to invite them and then wonder why people got invited that they didn’t want to come! Totally not your fault and I would keep my distance from that mum as she sounds horrible - I hate it when people exclude others! Fair enough to have a small party but only to exclude just a couple of kids is mean in my opinion. Don’t feel bad for turning up you didn’t know but in future I would check with the actual host so you don’t end up embarrassed again.

She didn’t not invite just a couple of kids. She invited 10 out of 20

that’s acceptable.

happinessischocolate · 27/04/2025 22:35

Just remembered, 20+ years ago close friends were getting married in a big country house, my OH was an usher, and his brother and girlfriend came with us to the wedding and reception.
When we lined up to go into the dining hall and greeted the bride and groom on the way in, the groom realised that my boyfriend’s brother had brought a +1 who wasn’t invited. By the time he and his girlfriend sat at their table, another seat with all the cutlery and trimmings had been sorted, and they were never even aware of it.
That’s how you deal with unexpected guests.

Wonderberry · 27/04/2025 23:43

KilkennyCats · 27/04/2025 17:00

Nice of the Mum to welcome you in, but seriously, you thought you’d “forgotten” being invited?
Surely not?

I have a lot of children and loads of party invites (over 50 a year between them, that is not an exaggeration). It is often hard to keep track.

KilkennyCats · 27/04/2025 23:47

happinessischocolate · 27/04/2025 22:35

Just remembered, 20+ years ago close friends were getting married in a big country house, my OH was an usher, and his brother and girlfriend came with us to the wedding and reception.
When we lined up to go into the dining hall and greeted the bride and groom on the way in, the groom realised that my boyfriend’s brother had brought a +1 who wasn’t invited. By the time he and his girlfriend sat at their table, another seat with all the cutlery and trimmings had been sorted, and they were never even aware of it.
That’s how you deal with unexpected guests.

That is pure class.

coxesorangepippin · 28/04/2025 03:00

Yeah the hostess clearly lacks class

It's a friggin kids party, not a bloody invite to a wedding or something

KeepYaHeadUp · 28/04/2025 03:37

KilkennyCats · 25/04/2025 17:38

Pig rude of the hostess to make you feel shit.
You were already there, what purpose was served by telling you you weren’t invited but grudgingly allowing you in anyway?
No class.

This.
Not your fault OP, and so, so weird of the host to behave the way she did. Presume the beach was public, so it wasn’t like you hung around in a hall or venue either. You have nothing to feel bad about.

PeanutsandBananas · 28/04/2025 03:52

We once stumbled across a nursery party that we weren’t invited to, but it was in a public place often frequented by everyone that lives here (small town).

My child was younger than the birthday child and so I wouldn’t have expected an invitation as such. But as it happened, and I was there (good weather and on the beach) the birthday child’s parents couldn’t have been nicer about it.

They totally admitted they hadn’t invited everyone, but since we were there (and public space) they told us to join in saying more the merrier. This was 13 years ago, and I’m still friends with the mum after all that. Don’t think we got a party bag, but we’re totally fine to join in I would have liked that for you too (since it was in a public space). Sorry you were made to feel so uncomfortable

babyproblems · 28/04/2025 03:52

Your friend sounds shambolic. Forget it and just smile your way through. I actually think good on you for going when it’s a dickish thing to do to not invite a whole group when it is small and the kids are very young. What a nasty thing to do! So F em.

So sorry for your doggy… it’s very very hard so be kind to yourself and remember the lovely times xx

WiddlinDiddlin · 28/04/2025 04:28

blueleavesgreensky · 27/04/2025 21:12

She didn’t not invite just a couple of kids. She invited 10 out of 20

that’s acceptable.

Of course it is..

But then if you'd invited 10 out of 20, why on earth would you say you'd invited 'everyone' and do the invites by telling people you're inviting everyone and getting them to pass that message on?

nomas · 28/04/2025 04:42

WiddlinDiddlin · 28/04/2025 04:28

Of course it is..

But then if you'd invited 10 out of 20, why on earth would you say you'd invited 'everyone' and do the invites by telling people you're inviting everyone and getting them to pass that message on?

Because you don’t know that the host said she invited everyone. OP only heard that from her friend.

Codlingmoths · 28/04/2025 05:42

Browndoor25 · 25/04/2025 17:36

I don’t want to make my friend look bad though. 😬

Your friend won’t look bad, the host will. She would have said something vague like I’m trying to catch everyone, because she wanted to SOUND welcoming and inclusive while excluding people. Plus she is really disorganised. You should have gone up apologised cheerfully and said x said you were trying to catch everyone, my mistake! You’ll have to manage written invites next time if you want to only invite some kids.’

Moonnstars · 28/04/2025 06:22

WiddlinDiddlin · 28/04/2025 04:28

Of course it is..

But then if you'd invited 10 out of 20, why on earth would you say you'd invited 'everyone' and do the invites by telling people you're inviting everyone and getting them to pass that message on?

But we only have the OP telling us the friend said that to her.
Formal invitations may have been sent to the children they wanted and all she might have said to the friend was she was chasing them.
The word everyone might not have been mentioned and there is nothing to suggest the friend was asked to pass the message on.
Friend has got it wrong/wasn't listening and decided to invite others.

dairydebris · 28/04/2025 06:58

Codlingmoths · 28/04/2025 05:42

Your friend won’t look bad, the host will. She would have said something vague like I’m trying to catch everyone, because she wanted to SOUND welcoming and inclusive while excluding people. Plus she is really disorganised. You should have gone up apologised cheerfully and said x said you were trying to catch everyone, my mistake! You’ll have to manage written invites next time if you want to only invite some kids.’

Wow. You generally find rudeness upon rudeness socially acceptable?

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 02/05/2025 10:51

Browndoor25 · 25/04/2025 17:36

I don’t want to make my friend look bad though. 😬

Why are you going to make your friend look bad?
Who are you going to discuss this past event with? It was just miscommunication. No need for further discussion with anyone else, friend won't look bad because no one will know she told you that you were invited.

As for birthday mun, just carry on as normal. No harm done.
She doesn't council the beach

blueleavesgreensky · 03/05/2025 18:01

Moonnstars · 28/04/2025 06:22

But we only have the OP telling us the friend said that to her.
Formal invitations may have been sent to the children they wanted and all she might have said to the friend was she was chasing them.
The word everyone might not have been mentioned and there is nothing to suggest the friend was asked to pass the message on.
Friend has got it wrong/wasn't listening and decided to invite others.

So you are suggesting we don’t accept what the OP said and just make up our own version of events. Why. To what end? That’s not how forums work. They aren’t some process of community creative writing

NeedToChangeName · 28/05/2025 08:23

pistachio83 · 25/04/2025 18:13

Poor you, I really wish they had been more welcoming. The host sounds very unkind. It’s a beach ffs. Definitely not your fault. These are not your people!

Perhaps host was caught on the hop and worried they didn't have party bags for extra kids

Seems like a misunderstanding all round