I took my daughter to a birthday party that she wasn’t invited to. Whoops.

[Browndoor25]

Let me start by saying I am having a tough time of it right now (think dog getting pts, flat tires, cat is on the verge of being pts, etc) and this week has been particularly hellish. I’m not telling you this to try and make you feel sorry for me, I am just trying to explain that I am going through a hard time so I am already feeling quite emotional and vulnerable and not very resilient which is why I reacted as I did.

I met up with a mum friend in the park yesterday and she said ‘X is having a birthday gathering at the beach tomorrow, X’s mum grabbed me today and said she is trying to catch everybody..’. Today X’s mum walked past me at drop off and I was expecting her to tell me about the birthday gathering but she didn't say anything to me, which I thought was odd. I thought maybe she knew that my friend had told me although I messaged my friend saying ‘are you sure we are invited as x’s mum didn’t say anything?’. She said ‘Yeah she said she was trying to catch everyone, she’s maybe thinking she had already told you, I can’t imagine she’d invite some kids and not others cause they’ve all been talking about it at nursery’. So along to the birthday we go, I get there and they look surprised to see me and said ‘we didn’t really invite the younger ones but you are welcome to stay and have some cake’. I instantly felt mortified but probably an overreaction on my part.

I went and sat along the beach where my friend was and some of the other kids were playing. I told my friend and she apologised and felt bad for us. I told her it was fine but I felt really awkward. It’s a village nursery so only twenty kids go, and she invited ten out of the twenty however two of the kids only started on Monday so it feels like she invited more than half of the class if you know what I mean. My daughter has been in nursery with her daughter since August and we knew each other beforehand through other birthday parties, village Xmas parties and toddler groups. We are friendly and usually say hi in passing so I was a little bit hurt, especially when another friend turned up with her little girl who is actually younger than my daughter and only started the nursery in Xmas. I guess it’s up to them who they have at the party but I was already feeling rubbish so this has been the cherry to top it off. My friend said I should have gone up to their beach hut to get a coffee and mingle but I honestly couldn’t face all those people with how I was feeling so I let my daughter have a little play on the beach for an hour then headed off.

Nah she’s a twat saying that. shed been disorganised-

Besides it’s a beach. How hard would it have been to invited all the kids?

All three women involved had a part in this but it seems all were just miscommunications.

The mother involved here did the inviting haphazardly. Then she thoughtlessly called you out in front of everyone when you showed up (though that could have been because she'd only brought preparations for a set number of kids).

Your other friend invited you or at least semi-invited you, based on an incorrect assumption, without permission.

And you showed up for something that you weren't actually invited to, believing your other friend's version of it.

Another issue is you not seeing logical reason why you and your child were excluded. The reason given was (at least partially) not accurate. It's not a nice feeling to be unexpectedly excluded.

But I'd just try to let it go. It's not like the mother is your best friend or anything anyway. I wouldn't apologize to her or otherwise re-visit it at all. It's an awkward but fortunately small issue, thankfully in the past now. :)

I would be upset at the friend. There is so much going on here but it seems like lots of miscommunication/ misunderstandings.

I find it weird for the friend to be saying whatever child is having a party. That's not her business to tell and she doesn't know who was or wasn't invited.
Since she said the mother of the child having the birthday party was going around "trying to catch everyone" I would have felt deliberately uninvited since she didn't come up to me.

In the future I would suggest not assuming you are invited based on someone else's word.

Sounds you handled it perfectly op. You're not the one who should feel embarrassed 💐

If it was me, I'd have a quiet word with the birthday child's mum - i couldn't live with myself if she thought I'd just gatecrashed. I'd worry she'd judge me from now 'til next Sunday! I know, I know, but that's just me.

Personally I'm focusing on the mum having the beach party and not inviting all 20 kids...It's nursery and you don't invite everyone to a public space, but do invite kids who've been there days.

At a small nursery/primary it's going to cause upset...sorry poor

Sounds like a miscommunication. Did she invite all the kids who are going to be in her child’s year at primary school? I can see the logic in that.

agree
and at a party at a beach, so it was hardly as if OP's dd was costing her any more than an extra slice of cake. If she'd only paid for X amount of spaces at soft play you could understand it more, but given it was essentially just a gathering in a public area why wouldn't you just invite the whole class?

plus who only invites people to a dc's birthday literally the day before? She's lucky multiple people were free and able to make it, for something that last minute it would be another reason to invite as many as possible to ensure at least some turned up!

What a crappy Mum to start teaching her daughter to exclude people before she's even school age. Hopefully you won't cross paths with her after nursery.

If I was your friend I would have gone to birthday mum and explained it was my fault and made sure she didn’t think you were a CF!

I once had a very similar thing happen……

a few mums had gone out for a curry one Saturday night, and one of the mums said ‘are you staying at the party tomorrow or just dropping off’ or something like that

I said ‘oh I don’t think we have been invited to that one’ I definitely didn’t know about it….. then the mum up the table said ‘oh yes course you where invited , it’s at 2.30 I’ll see you there’

now stupid me thought the second mum that ‘invited’ me was actually the host.

it was a local primary so we all knew each other at least to say hi to .

i got the details from the mum who I was sat next to and she said it finished at five . I remember commenting at the time that was a long party .

anyway husband drops off at the party the next day, hangs about chatting for a bit before coming home.

when he was at home he did say ‘are you sure it was Amy’s birthday, it was definitely Ann’s mum who was hosting?’

I said he must of got them muddled and thought nothing of it.

went to pick up later on about 10 to 5 , and the whole place is in darkness. Confused (but not panicking, I assumed I was at the wrong place) I rang my husband, who said he definitely dropped her off there .

I was just about to ring another parent to see if they had any idea (before the days of WhatsApp) when a car pulled up, with a family in , full of ballon’s and my daughter in the back . 😱

the family where absolutely not the ones that had invited us, and even though mum was kind about it, you could tell she was annoyed. The party had finished an hour ago , they had tided up, locked up the hall and waited for me- before deciding to go to the coop to get tea .

not only was my child not even invited, they had been stuck with her abandoned for an hour and the card was written to the wrong kid

it’s actually one of my worst parenting memories, I was so embarrassed by the whole thing and couldn’t believe it. I bet it was talked about for ages afterwards…. And I always felt so judged because I was younger by about 15 years then the other mums so that didn’t bloody help .

I think the lesson I learnt from it was always send your husband to pick up from parties so you arnt mortified 🫣🫣

It all sounds very last minute, badly organised and poorly communicated , and sadly you’ve been caught up in that. If I was the hostess I would not have said “oh you weren’t invited but stay anyway”. I would have smiled and said hi, and offered you a coffee (and realised that it was probably my fault for running around at the last minute inviting people by word of mouth). Sounds a bit shambolic and not your fault. Please don’t waste energy worrying about it any further 🙂

Have a wine and an unmumsnetty hug @Browndoor25 - sounds like you’re having a shit week

Op my first thought is how rude of the mum. I actually had this happen at a party when I was the child! I still remember it - a school lift of loads of kids got dropped off including one child who wasn't invited - my mum made sure they didn't realise they hadn't been invited - and I remember clearly - even though I was only about 6! that I knew the correct thing was not to embarass them.

If I had been her - I would have made double sure you felt welcome to stay as it would be clear you felt embarassed.

@Blahblahblahw oh my gosh!! poor you ! again - I really think the parent hosting in that situation could make sure you didn't feel too bad! I mean it's not like a mean or unkind thing is it.

a friend of mine went to the wrong funeral!!

He was driving and looking where to stop - saw a funeral happening and just joined in took him a while to click.

@Blahblahblahw wins the internet today 😄

I’m cringing here in sympathy!

Yes me too.

Chalk it up to experience. No harm done. Try to move past it quickly, with dignity. You don't want tyour daughter to sense any weirdness about her going to a birthday party.

How awkward. Sorry that you trusted the friend who said everyone was invited.
I agree though you should have tried to catch the mum of the child who's birthday it was, especially when they walked past you and didn't say anything, or at least asked your friend for the phone number of the mum hosting the party to send a quick message to check.

Much sympathy OP. I’d be mortified too but it really doesn’t matter. Nobody was injured and it was a misunderstanding by your friend that caused it nothing wrong on your part.

I once invited the wrong Isabella to my child’s party and when the wrong one turned up my child loudly said why is she here ? ( she was 5 and ASD) I, however bent over backwards to make mum and child welcome and went out of my way to be super friendly to mum and child for next 6 years !! I was mortified

host mum should have had more grace as it was a bloody beach ! and mum who inadvertently invited you should have cleared up the misunderstanding with host mum

id want to send a text to mum tomorrow to apologise and explain confusion , hopefully she will have good grace to laugh it off

god really no need for people to come on and say 'you SHOULD have done X Y z - im sure the Op is burning up already about it all.

Very clear to me that
a) your friend was wildly speculating
b) you took her speculation as an invitation and turned up

What is your AIBU?

Absolutely this.

There was no need to say anything unless you're a rude arsehole of a host.