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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I took my daughter to a birthday party that she wasn’t invited to. Whoops.

203 replies

Browndoor25 · 25/04/2025 17:22

Let me start by saying I am having a tough time of it right now (think dog getting pts, flat tires, cat is on the verge of being pts, etc) and this week has been particularly hellish. I’m not telling you this to try and make you feel sorry for me, I am just trying to explain that I am going through a hard time so I am already feeling quite emotional and vulnerable and not very resilient which is why I reacted as I did.

I met up with a mum friend in the park yesterday and she said ‘X is having a birthday gathering at the beach tomorrow, X’s mum grabbed me today and said she is trying to catch everybody..’. Today X’s mum walked past me at drop off and I was expecting her to tell me about the birthday gathering but she didn't say anything to me, which I thought was odd. I thought maybe she knew that my friend had told me although I messaged my friend saying ‘are you sure we are invited as x’s mum didn’t say anything?’. She said ‘Yeah she said she was trying to catch everyone, she’s maybe thinking she had already told you, I can’t imagine she’d invite some kids and not others cause they’ve all been talking about it at nursery’. So along to the birthday we go, I get there and they look surprised to see me and said ‘we didn’t really invite the younger ones but you are welcome to stay and have some cake’. I instantly felt mortified but probably an overreaction on my part.

I went and sat along the beach where my friend was and some of the other kids were playing. I told my friend and she apologised and felt bad for us. I told her it was fine but I felt really awkward. It’s a village nursery so only twenty kids go, and she invited ten out of the twenty however two of the kids only started on Monday so it feels like she invited more than half of the class if you know what I mean. My daughter has been in nursery with her daughter since August and we knew each other beforehand through other birthday parties, village Xmas parties and toddler groups. We are friendly and usually say hi in passing so I was a little bit hurt, especially when another friend turned up with her little girl who is actually younger than my daughter and only started the nursery in Xmas. I guess it’s up to them who they have at the party but I was already feeling rubbish so this has been the cherry to top it off. My friend said I should have gone up to their beach hut to get a coffee and mingle but I honestly couldn’t face all those people with how I was feeling so I let my daughter have a little play on the beach for an hour then headed off.

OP posts:
LillyPJ · 25/04/2025 18:55

It all sounds like an honest mistake and it didn't cause any problems so just smile and forget about it. You could explain to the host later if you want - it could be a nice way to build on a friendship.

LillyPJ · 25/04/2025 18:58

Jabberwok · 25/04/2025 18:19

Personally I'm focusing on the mum having the beach party and not inviting all 20 kids...It's nursery and you don't invite everyone to a public space, but do invite kids who've been there days.

At a small nursery/primary it's going to cause upset...sorry poor

Where did you learn these 'rules'? Personally, I think the host of a party can invite whoever, or however many, they want. Just because it's a bigger space doesn't mean you have to cater for huge numbers.

Edithpilou · 25/04/2025 19:00

LillyPJ · 25/04/2025 18:58

Where did you learn these 'rules'? Personally, I think the host of a party can invite whoever, or however many, they want. Just because it's a bigger space doesn't mean you have to cater for huge numbers.

Well it’s a beach though, a public space…. So more likely that the op thought “oh it’s a casual gathering at a beach” and hence did what she did and turned up. And also means the host should have been more lenient about randoms also being on the beach. What is to be gained by pointing out that someone wasn’t invited ?!

BlondeMummyto1 · 25/04/2025 19:00

Why are people calling the party mum disorganised? I would assume the invites went out a while ago and she was chasing people the day before to remind them/say see you tomorrow. She wasn’t chasing everyone as the other friend puts it but everyone who
was invited..

Lostcat · 25/04/2025 19:04

LillyPJ · 25/04/2025 18:58

Where did you learn these 'rules'? Personally, I think the host of a party can invite whoever, or however many, they want. Just because it's a bigger space doesn't mean you have to cater for huge numbers.

Where did you learn these 'rules'?

Basic common sense and kindness to little children who are only at nursery??

Thephantom · 25/04/2025 19:06

It's rude of host mum to say that you weren't invited. You were there already so she should have handled it better. It's very silly of your mum friend to assume everyone was invited and insist that you were invited. I am "trying to grab everyone " doesn't mean she's inviting the whole class, it just means she's trying to speak to everyone she wants to invite ..How silly is she 🤦🏻‍♀️I wouldn't trust what she says in future, she hasn't got a clue

Bunnie007 · 25/04/2025 19:16

The host was rude. It was an honest mistake on your part. Send her a message apologising for the confusion and telling her you felt mortified to have turned up uninvited. Hopefully that will make her realise she wasn’t kind!!!

Blueblell · 25/04/2025 19:17

The party mum was very rude and didn’t need to say anything. Don’t think about it and move on.

TheIceBear · 25/04/2025 19:17

Maybe I’m a bad friend but I’d have come straight out with that the friend told me I was invited. Because it’s the truth

WindingStair · 25/04/2025 19:19

Alongtoe · 25/04/2025 18:53

Very clear to me that
a) your friend was wildly speculating
b) you took her speculation as an invitation and turned up

And (c) you’re now suggesting your daughter should have been invited, thereby criticising someone who was actually pretty gracious to an uninvited child plus parent.

Comedycook · 25/04/2025 19:19

Party mum was rude imo...you were already there, no need to say you weren't invited. She should have styled it out and pretended you were meant to be there.

Caravaggiouch · 25/04/2025 19:20

I don’t think it’s fair to blame the birthday child’s mother, at no point did she invite you or tell you anything about it! Blame your friend for sticking her nose in, and yourself for not checking with the birthday child’s parents.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 25/04/2025 19:22

Honest mistake.
Rude host
Beach party - not a cost per head activity.
You sat on the beach feeling like shit

Don't you dare justify or apologise.
She's rude and will only be rude again.
And when she graciously gives you absolution - - so what?

Chalk it up to experience and move on and act as if it never ever happened. Laugh merrily if anyone mentions it and say something like "OMG... such a silly mix up.. I only realised when the host said I wasn't invited... so I sat on the beach instead, LOL."

I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time. It seems that all these tough things are happening at once.... a silly birthday party that cost the host barely anything should be the very very least of your worries. Forgive yourself for this. Do not allow yourself to feel embarrassed. All mums at nursery/school will have an embarrasing moment at one stage or other. This is a small one. Be kind to yourself and give yourself and your DC an extra hug this weekend. Go for long walks and icecreams. You will get through this difficult time. Sorry to hear about your dear pets.

Alongtoe · 25/04/2025 19:24

WindingStair · 25/04/2025 19:19

And (c) you’re now suggesting your daughter should have been invited, thereby criticising someone who was actually pretty gracious to an uninvited child plus parent.

d) making sure you make sure you repeat how vulnerable and delicate you are ie don’t anyone dare criticise me

nadine90 · 25/04/2025 19:25

It was just a misunderstanding, I really wouldn’t worry about it. I’ve done it myself once! Don’t dwell on it xx

OchonAgusOchonOh · 25/04/2025 19:28

Whatado · 25/04/2025 17:30

This wasn't your fault. It was the mums for being so badly organised.

She told the other mum to let people know so she did.

It says more about her as a person than you that she even passed comment. I mean it's a beach, so it's not like she was paying in a play centre.

Don't feel bad, and your little one won't realise.

It doesn't sound to me like she told the other mum to let people know. She said she was trying to catch everyone and the other mum took it upon herself to invite people. Really presumptuous of her. And then doubling down when the birthday mum didn't mention it to you!

Op - I would just tell the birthday mum what happened and apologise. You should have checked with her but I can see how you might have been carried along by the other mum's insistance.

Heronwatcher · 25/04/2025 19:28

Don’t worry, just chalk it up to experience. I’d probably text something like “so sorry about the confusion today, crossed wires, but thanks for being so lovely about it. Really hope that X had a great time.” Next time double check with the mum.

outofofficeagain · 25/04/2025 19:28

I once took my DS to an awards ceremony for gymnastics which was only for people who’d won something and he hadn’t.

we had missed the week before when the invites were handed out and my friend just assumed we were also going.

i was mortified, and embarrassed and in the end they had to rustle him up
some special ‘participation’ certificate.

I had forgotten all about it until this thread. You will forget about this too I promise.

Surroundedbyfools · 25/04/2025 19:29

I think the birthday child’s mum sounds incredibly rude and disorganised ! Yes maybe their was a mix up and ur friend shouldn’t have invited you but given that it’s in a outdoor setting etc she should have welcomed you anyway even if she thought to herself why is she here. I could never imagine being so rude. I mean fair enough if it was a booked soft play and she only had a certain amount paid for

BobbyBiscuits · 25/04/2025 19:30

The host sounds quite rude. It wasn't like it was at her house, or a pay per person event like at a play centre or activity place. It's just a public beach?! I'm presuming you bought a gift and or some snacks or something? So it seems a bit daft to try and claim someone could be barred from playing on the beach with their mates?
Don't worry about it.

outofofficeagain · 25/04/2025 19:31

Ooh. I also too DS2 to a party he wasn’t invited to because nursery had given him
an invitation meant for another child with the same name.

mindutopia · 25/04/2025 19:31

I would assume by ‘trying to catch everyone to invite them’ she meant trying to catch everyone she was inviting. Not everyone.

Your friend inserted herself weirdly for whatever reason. But this will definitely be a lesson not to turn up without a formal invite. There will be lots of situations when others are invited but your dd won’t be in the coming years. If nothing else, clarify with the parent before the party.

That said, I do think the mum was a bit rude. I had a Jacob rsvp to my ds’s party this year who was the wrong Jacob. I had no idea there was one in the year below, but apparently he got the invite instead of the right Jacob. Never mind, I graciously accepted his rsvp and sent a second invite for the right Jacob and they both came. I never would have told him he wasn’t invited. Sorry about your shitty week though.

Peacepleaselouise · 25/04/2025 19:32

JackieDaytonaLuckyBrews · 25/04/2025 17:25

It's not your fault! It was miscommunication -the mum was totally disorganised and "invited" people in a stupid way and the friend was silly to make assumptions about who was invited. I wouldn't be remotely embarrassed. Forget it.

I’d be mortified too, but it’s definitely not your fault. It all sounds a bit shambolic. Try not to overthink it.

LimitedBrightSpots · 25/04/2025 19:34

It's a nursery party. Kid isn't really going to care who comes. The mum sounds very ungracious.

Auroraloves · 25/04/2025 19:34

Sorry you’re going through a tough time, sending hugs.

and does the birthday Mum own or had she privately hired an area on the beach?