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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I took my daughter to a birthday party that she wasn’t invited to. Whoops.

203 replies

Browndoor25 · 25/04/2025 17:22

Let me start by saying I am having a tough time of it right now (think dog getting pts, flat tires, cat is on the verge of being pts, etc) and this week has been particularly hellish. I’m not telling you this to try and make you feel sorry for me, I am just trying to explain that I am going through a hard time so I am already feeling quite emotional and vulnerable and not very resilient which is why I reacted as I did.

I met up with a mum friend in the park yesterday and she said ‘X is having a birthday gathering at the beach tomorrow, X’s mum grabbed me today and said she is trying to catch everybody..’. Today X’s mum walked past me at drop off and I was expecting her to tell me about the birthday gathering but she didn't say anything to me, which I thought was odd. I thought maybe she knew that my friend had told me although I messaged my friend saying ‘are you sure we are invited as x’s mum didn’t say anything?’. She said ‘Yeah she said she was trying to catch everyone, she’s maybe thinking she had already told you, I can’t imagine she’d invite some kids and not others cause they’ve all been talking about it at nursery’. So along to the birthday we go, I get there and they look surprised to see me and said ‘we didn’t really invite the younger ones but you are welcome to stay and have some cake’. I instantly felt mortified but probably an overreaction on my part.

I went and sat along the beach where my friend was and some of the other kids were playing. I told my friend and she apologised and felt bad for us. I told her it was fine but I felt really awkward. It’s a village nursery so only twenty kids go, and she invited ten out of the twenty however two of the kids only started on Monday so it feels like she invited more than half of the class if you know what I mean. My daughter has been in nursery with her daughter since August and we knew each other beforehand through other birthday parties, village Xmas parties and toddler groups. We are friendly and usually say hi in passing so I was a little bit hurt, especially when another friend turned up with her little girl who is actually younger than my daughter and only started the nursery in Xmas. I guess it’s up to them who they have at the party but I was already feeling rubbish so this has been the cherry to top it off. My friend said I should have gone up to their beach hut to get a coffee and mingle but I honestly couldn’t face all those people with how I was feeling so I let my daughter have a little play on the beach for an hour then headed off.

OP posts:
jenrobin · 25/04/2025 19:34

Browndoor25 · 25/04/2025 17:22

Let me start by saying I am having a tough time of it right now (think dog getting pts, flat tires, cat is on the verge of being pts, etc) and this week has been particularly hellish. I’m not telling you this to try and make you feel sorry for me, I am just trying to explain that I am going through a hard time so I am already feeling quite emotional and vulnerable and not very resilient which is why I reacted as I did.

I met up with a mum friend in the park yesterday and she said ‘X is having a birthday gathering at the beach tomorrow, X’s mum grabbed me today and said she is trying to catch everybody..’. Today X’s mum walked past me at drop off and I was expecting her to tell me about the birthday gathering but she didn't say anything to me, which I thought was odd. I thought maybe she knew that my friend had told me although I messaged my friend saying ‘are you sure we are invited as x’s mum didn’t say anything?’. She said ‘Yeah she said she was trying to catch everyone, she’s maybe thinking she had already told you, I can’t imagine she’d invite some kids and not others cause they’ve all been talking about it at nursery’. So along to the birthday we go, I get there and they look surprised to see me and said ‘we didn’t really invite the younger ones but you are welcome to stay and have some cake’. I instantly felt mortified but probably an overreaction on my part.

I went and sat along the beach where my friend was and some of the other kids were playing. I told my friend and she apologised and felt bad for us. I told her it was fine but I felt really awkward. It’s a village nursery so only twenty kids go, and she invited ten out of the twenty however two of the kids only started on Monday so it feels like she invited more than half of the class if you know what I mean. My daughter has been in nursery with her daughter since August and we knew each other beforehand through other birthday parties, village Xmas parties and toddler groups. We are friendly and usually say hi in passing so I was a little bit hurt, especially when another friend turned up with her little girl who is actually younger than my daughter and only started the nursery in Xmas. I guess it’s up to them who they have at the party but I was already feeling rubbish so this has been the cherry to top it off. My friend said I should have gone up to their beach hut to get a coffee and mingle but I honestly couldn’t face all those people with how I was feeling so I let my daughter have a little play on the beach for an hour then headed off.

This is the kind of thing everyone does once and then never again. Your friend sounds really nice, even though she got you in a pickle. I actually like the way she assumes everyone is inclined to be more the merrier and wouldn't leave such a small number of kids out of such a casual celebration. However as the saying goes; when you assume, you make an ass out of you and me.

I wouldn't worry about the mum who hosted the party; she was publicly rude and not worth bothering about. Since you knew about the party time and location it should have been obvious that someone invited you. If she cares so much about it, she can ask around as to who invited you along. If you want to stress the point yourself personally you can just say "I'm so sorry about the misunderstanding, I was told it was an open invitation to everyone but I should have checked with you". Somehow it's really satisfying to be super polite to people who are rude

CagneyNYPD1 · 25/04/2025 19:35

We our DS was at preschool, there were 2 boys called Lucas. We knew Lucas 1 and his parents. We did not know Lucas 2. We didn’t even know that Lucas 2 existed.

We sent invites into preschool for staff to give out. Lucas 2 got the invite by mistake. Lucas 2 attended said party with his Dad in tow. We never let on that he hadn’t been invited.

Luckily, Lucas 1 was also at the party because my DH had mentioned it to the dad of Lucas 1 (we thought the invite hadn’t got to them).

This was all years ago, before WhatsApp. All 3 boys went to the same primary. They are now all 6 formers and still all know each other.

The host mum was rude in making you feel unwelcome. The polite thing to do would have been to hide her surprise and welcome you.

But WhatsApp is by far the best way of organising these things.

These things can sort of linger @Browndoor25Try not to let it though. You were in a public place, that is all.

Feelinglikeadiv · 25/04/2025 19:37

Bad manners to mention it, especially if they had that system of inviting folk. I bet she blurted it out and would be upset to know how you felt after what had happened. I certainly would.

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 25/04/2025 19:38

Your 'whoops' is rather disingenuous. I would have double checked with the person who was hosting the party rather than relying on someone else telling me that 'doris is looking for you, I'm sure your child is invited'.
You embarrassed the hostess; that is why she was 'off' with you.

Alongtoe · 25/04/2025 19:42

X’s mum grabbed me today and said she is trying to catch everybody..’. Today X’s mum walked past me at drop off and I was expecting her to tell me about the birthday gathering but she didn't say anything to me, which I thought was odd.

”trying to catch everybody” but did not stipulate the OP’s name

and when she walked past me at drop off without mentioning, at that moment I’d have concluded we weren’t invited and thought nothing more.

WindingStair · 25/04/2025 19:45

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 25/04/2025 19:22

Honest mistake.
Rude host
Beach party - not a cost per head activity.
You sat on the beach feeling like shit

Don't you dare justify or apologise.
She's rude and will only be rude again.
And when she graciously gives you absolution - - so what?

Chalk it up to experience and move on and act as if it never ever happened. Laugh merrily if anyone mentions it and say something like "OMG... such a silly mix up.. I only realised when the host said I wasn't invited... so I sat on the beach instead, LOL."

I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time. It seems that all these tough things are happening at once.... a silly birthday party that cost the host barely anything should be the very very least of your worries. Forgive yourself for this. Do not allow yourself to feel embarrassed. All mums at nursery/school will have an embarrasing moment at one stage or other. This is a small one. Be kind to yourself and give yourself and your DC an extra hug this weekend. Go for long walks and icecreams. You will get through this difficult time. Sorry to hear about your dear pets.

The host wasn’t remotely rude.

Littlemisscapable · 25/04/2025 19:45

KilkennyCats · 25/04/2025 17:38

Pig rude of the hostess to make you feel shit.
You were already there, what purpose was served by telling you you weren’t invited but grudgingly allowing you in anyway?
No class.

This. If I was the hostess I would have been embarrassed not you. She was throwing invites about and couldn't remember who she had invited. It would have been so easy to be gracious and welcoming..its on her now you..don't worry about it.

dairydebris · 25/04/2025 19:46

Caravaggiouch · 25/04/2025 19:20

I don’t think it’s fair to blame the birthday child’s mother, at no point did she invite you or tell you anything about it! Blame your friend for sticking her nose in, and yourself for not checking with the birthday child’s parents.

This is right! Birthday mum didn't invite OP. OP showed up to a party she wasn't invited to. Can't believe people are calling birthday mum rude.
It's not a big deal and I'd try to clear the air next time you see birthday mum, apologize and laugh about it.
Then move along and don't go to parties you haven't been explicitly invited to.

WindingStair · 25/04/2025 19:47

Surroundedbyfools · 25/04/2025 19:29

I think the birthday child’s mum sounds incredibly rude and disorganised ! Yes maybe their was a mix up and ur friend shouldn’t have invited you but given that it’s in a outdoor setting etc she should have welcomed you anyway even if she thought to herself why is she here. I could never imagine being so rude. I mean fair enough if it was a booked soft play and she only had a certain amount paid for

Are you reading a different OP? The host parent said they were welcome to stay and have cake. She behaved perfectly appropriately to an uninvited child and accompanying parent. It’s certainly not her fault. She didn’t invite the OP.

Moonnstars · 25/04/2025 19:50

Littlemisscapable · 25/04/2025 19:45

This. If I was the hostess I would have been embarrassed not you. She was throwing invites about and couldn't remember who she had invited. It would have been so easy to be gracious and welcoming..its on her now you..don't worry about it.

But she wasn't throwing about invites. I assume she sent these out to the people who were invited and then was just reminding (or chasing up) those she either hadn't heard from or was just checking in that they hadn't forgot.
It was another friend who interfered by suggesting the OPs child was invited and the OP didn't bother to check.
I don't think it was rude of the host, yes it is a public beach and anyone could be there, but as she turned up specifically to the party then a comment would be made along the lines of I was not expecting you.
I can see some of the other posts are easy mix ups (children with same names) but in this case the OP just trusted another friend was right, which is a bit like my children when they invite themselves to a friends (and I say I need to speak to a grown up first as no actual play date or invite has been given apart from by the child!).

SaladSandwichesForTea · 25/04/2025 19:50

You dont need to worry and to make a big deal over it.

IMO it's a great opportunity to make a friend. Catch her on the nursery run and briefly and breezily tell her where the confusion came from and laugh it off. Then change the subject to how it looked like her DD was having a great time and ask about her birthday more generally.

Fwiw I don't think the mum was being horrible, she just said the younger ones weren't invited to spare your feelings and she was caught off guard.

I hope you can be kind to yourself, it sounds like you're having a shitty week and need a hug. Please don't worry about this at all, these things happen x

Livelaughlurgy · 25/04/2025 19:54

Did she open the conversation with "we didn't really invite the younger ones" or was it by explanation as to why you hadn't been invited? Or did you say "hi, not sure if we're invited etc" in our Montessori it wouldn't be unusual for 2nd year kids to just invite the second year kids to their parties.

Feelinglikeadiv · 25/04/2025 19:57

dairydebris · 25/04/2025 19:46

This is right! Birthday mum didn't invite OP. OP showed up to a party she wasn't invited to. Can't believe people are calling birthday mum rude.
It's not a big deal and I'd try to clear the air next time you see birthday mum, apologize and laugh about it.
Then move along and don't go to parties you haven't been explicitly invited to.

She was invited, by the second mum. OP was told the plan was for the two mums to disseminate the invitations and she checked that included her. It was quite an informal party so she didn't go to great lengths to check after having confirmation once. It was a bad system with room for error and when that error occured, it should have been handled gracefully by the host. Not the end of the world but the fault wasn't with the OP.

Namerequired · 25/04/2025 19:59

Browndoor25 · 25/04/2025 17:36

I don’t want to make my friend look bad though. 😬

Get your friend to explain to her then. It was a miscommunication, no big deal. I think she was unreasonable to make a point that you weren’t invited though. Either way don’t let it annoy you.

WindingStair · 25/04/2025 20:02

Feelinglikeadiv · 25/04/2025 19:57

She was invited, by the second mum. OP was told the plan was for the two mums to disseminate the invitations and she checked that included her. It was quite an informal party so she didn't go to great lengths to check after having confirmation once. It was a bad system with room for error and when that error occured, it should have been handled gracefully by the host. Not the end of the world but the fault wasn't with the OP.

You can’t invite someone to someone else’s party, especially when you’re labouring under a total misapprehension about the first list!

I mean, it’s no big deal either way, obviously.

BullintheHeather · 25/04/2025 20:17

There’s no way I would have a party in a public place like park/ beach and then only invite half the class.

There were a couple of them who had birthday parties in my DD’s pre school and only invited some of the kids (out of a very small group).

I thought it was very poor form especially as one of the birthday kids was making faces and taunting the ones who weren’t invited in front of his mum who said nothing.

The mothers made a big thing out of it too, talking about it loudly in front of everyone to make sure no one missed the fact that they were left out.

Some people are just pathetic - the only way they can feel important is to deliberately exclude people.

Maybe that wasn’t the case here (although I never would have let on your kid hadn’t been invited if you turned up. You were hardly desperate to gate crash - it was obviously crossed wires), but it does happen.

Darkambergingerlily · 25/04/2025 20:21

If I was birthday child mum I would have done some Oscar winning acting and completely made it a non issue and made you feel v welcome without even implying you hadn’t been invited

Orangebadger · 25/04/2025 20:22

So not your fault at all… the mum who told you should not have assumed. But then she had been told they were trying to tell everyone so an easy assumption to make in a small nursery.

But really the birthdays girls mum did not have to say that your DD was not invited, she could have just sucked it up. Really not a big deal especially as she did not seem very organised about it.

preimenopauserulesmylife · 25/04/2025 20:29

You - did absolutely nothing wrong.

The friend - should have got her facts right before assuming you were invited.

The host - Should have been more understanding and welcoming.

I'm sure these misunderstandings occur quite frequently. My daughter "invited" an extra child to her birthday party without me knowing (she was only about six at the time), but I just welcomed her in when she turned up unexpectantly. I didn't even say there had been a mistake as I wouldn't want to make them feel bad.

springhassprun · 25/04/2025 20:36

I am so sorry this happened - my toes are curling in sympathy for you. Agree with the others - what a shitty hostess for making you feel uncomfortable- totally unnecessary

KilkennyCats · 25/04/2025 20:41

WindingStair · 25/04/2025 19:47

Are you reading a different OP? The host parent said they were welcome to stay and have cake. She behaved perfectly appropriately to an uninvited child and accompanying parent. It’s certainly not her fault. She didn’t invite the OP.

She informed op that she wasn’t invited, but could come in and have cake anyway.
Totally needless lack of grace.

If that’s your measure of appropriate behaviour, you have just as few manners as she does.

alcoholnightmare · 25/04/2025 20:43

I honestly can’t believe these replies. I’ve got three kids, and not ONCE have we turned up to a birthday party we weren’t invited to.
that poor mother having to worry about an extra uninvited guest!

WindingStair · 25/04/2025 20:45

KilkennyCats · 25/04/2025 20:41

She informed op that she wasn’t invited, but could come in and have cake anyway.
Totally needless lack of grace.

If that’s your measure of appropriate behaviour, you have just as few manners as she does.

Are you actually suggesting that an appropriate response from the host should have been to pretend the OP and her child were invited, even though she clearly hadn’t invited them? Weird. Do you generally live in a world where ‘good manners’ involves pretending you issued invitations when you didn’t?

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 25/04/2025 20:46

The OP got all her information second hand and we are all reading it third hand.

Everyone blaming the party mum but nobody including the OP knows what was said by her..

EmeraldShamrock000 · 25/04/2025 20:48

I can see how the mistake was made, no big deal for you, she was extremely rude.
Yanbu.