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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I took my daughter to a birthday party that she wasn’t invited to. Whoops.

203 replies

Browndoor25 · 25/04/2025 17:22

Let me start by saying I am having a tough time of it right now (think dog getting pts, flat tires, cat is on the verge of being pts, etc) and this week has been particularly hellish. I’m not telling you this to try and make you feel sorry for me, I am just trying to explain that I am going through a hard time so I am already feeling quite emotional and vulnerable and not very resilient which is why I reacted as I did.

I met up with a mum friend in the park yesterday and she said ‘X is having a birthday gathering at the beach tomorrow, X’s mum grabbed me today and said she is trying to catch everybody..’. Today X’s mum walked past me at drop off and I was expecting her to tell me about the birthday gathering but she didn't say anything to me, which I thought was odd. I thought maybe she knew that my friend had told me although I messaged my friend saying ‘are you sure we are invited as x’s mum didn’t say anything?’. She said ‘Yeah she said she was trying to catch everyone, she’s maybe thinking she had already told you, I can’t imagine she’d invite some kids and not others cause they’ve all been talking about it at nursery’. So along to the birthday we go, I get there and they look surprised to see me and said ‘we didn’t really invite the younger ones but you are welcome to stay and have some cake’. I instantly felt mortified but probably an overreaction on my part.

I went and sat along the beach where my friend was and some of the other kids were playing. I told my friend and she apologised and felt bad for us. I told her it was fine but I felt really awkward. It’s a village nursery so only twenty kids go, and she invited ten out of the twenty however two of the kids only started on Monday so it feels like she invited more than half of the class if you know what I mean. My daughter has been in nursery with her daughter since August and we knew each other beforehand through other birthday parties, village Xmas parties and toddler groups. We are friendly and usually say hi in passing so I was a little bit hurt, especially when another friend turned up with her little girl who is actually younger than my daughter and only started the nursery in Xmas. I guess it’s up to them who they have at the party but I was already feeling rubbish so this has been the cherry to top it off. My friend said I should have gone up to their beach hut to get a coffee and mingle but I honestly couldn’t face all those people with how I was feeling so I let my daughter have a little play on the beach for an hour then headed off.

OP posts:
fetchacloth · 26/04/2025 20:30

I wouldn't fret about it really.
From your post it sounds like the communication about this party was vague and poorly handled which wasn't your fault. 😊

WindingStair · 26/04/2025 20:50

amccabe15 · 26/04/2025 18:43

Personally I think X’s mum didn’t handle it well. I’d have pretended to think I HAD invited you to avoid any discomfort.

And that’s why foreigners think Brits are nuts. Imagine making shit up so as not to make someone uncomfortable when they gatecrash your party. To which you deliberately didn’t invite them.

Hmm1234 · 26/04/2025 21:06

They sound really mean

Gingernan · 26/04/2025 21:14

I'm sorry that happened to you but it will be forgotten in no time.
So sorry about your dear pets xx

Gingernan · 26/04/2025 21:27

I used to do extra party bags as there were sometimes siblings who ended up staying.
Also once my daughter invited 2 little new boys without my knowledge and they turned up with gifts!

Edithpilou · 26/04/2025 21:53

I hosted a party today. At my house. Uninvited sibling turned up. Did I say anything to make her feel awkward ? No I didn’t. because they were already there and had brought a gift. And because shit happens.

I said hello, welcome, thank you for coming. At the end I gave the extra sibling a party bag and some bubbles as I always have one or two extra just in case (surely most people do?!). Total non-issue and nobody feels like shit.

KilkennyCats · 26/04/2025 22:14

WindingStair · 26/04/2025 20:50

And that’s why foreigners think Brits are nuts. Imagine making shit up so as not to make someone uncomfortable when they gatecrash your party. To which you deliberately didn’t invite them.

It was a flaming toddler’s party.
Seriously, what is wrong with you?!

pimplebum · 26/04/2025 22:15

And that’s why foreigners think Brits are nuts. Imagine making shit up so as not to make someone uncomfortable when they gatecrash your party. To which you deliberately didn’t invite them.

are you really this nasty to fellows mums and their kids? Yes I would do this because you would not know for sure how the misunderstanding occurred and you would not want someone to feel as shit as the OP does
its manners and kindness and if that makes me a nutty Brit then I’m proud to be one !

Cherryicecreamx · 26/04/2025 22:29

I wouldn't worry because it was down to your friend giving misinformation. A beach is a public space which in a sense would make me feel better because anyone could turn up there and you can do your own thing which it sounded like you did. Not like a big paid party or something that relies on them needing to know numbers etc.

WindingStair · 26/04/2025 22:40

pimplebum · 26/04/2025 22:15

And that’s why foreigners think Brits are nuts. Imagine making shit up so as not to make someone uncomfortable when they gatecrash your party. To which you deliberately didn’t invite them.

are you really this nasty to fellows mums and their kids? Yes I would do this because you would not know for sure how the misunderstanding occurred and you would not want someone to feel as shit as the OP does
its manners and kindness and if that makes me a nutty Brit then I’m proud to be one !

I’m not nasty in the slightest. But I don’t think the host was anything other than gracious. She didn’t pretend she’d invited the OP’s child, but she said she could stay, join in and have cake.

Laurmolonlabe · 27/04/2025 00:28

It wasn't really a misunderstanding, your friend misled you , and when the mother having the party didn't mention it- that was the heads up.
You shouldn't have gone, and you know it- that's why you prefaced with what a hard time you are having.
You were right to leave, just chalk it up to experience , and check next time.

jazzybelle · 27/04/2025 00:45

Try not to be too upset about it. At least you're not the party girl's mum on here having a vicious rant because some turned up who hadn't RSVP'd! 😉

Miaminmoo · 27/04/2025 01:09

I fucking hate people. I’m sorry that they made you feel bad, you sound lovely. I’m also sorry everything has been a bit rubbish - hopefully you will have all good things heading your way. You’ll need to thicken your skin I’m afraid for the nursery and school Mum’s - there are some real life mean girls living among us. Just don’t let them bother you. And before you all start, I’m not saying that she should have been invited, I’m saying that when she turned up and it was clearly a miscommunication the Mum could have been more gracious and kind. It doesn’t sound like it was a £75 per head sit down dinner FFS.

pollymere · 27/04/2025 01:13

I told people this for my 18th and for the evening part of our wedding. So they did. I had well-wishers who came along and were welcome. People also felt far more comfortable about bringing partners etc.

If you've said to someone "everyone", it's assumed that includes the twenty children at the nursery. As a parent, if I'd said that I'd assume about half could make it or even less. I definitely would have assumed that any of the nursery kids might turn up — especially to a beach. Your friend did as asked and the Mum was foolish to assume this would only be certain children. Don't feel embarrassed. You were invited because you fulfilled the requirements of the invite given! It's a poor hostess that admits you weren't!

RickiRaccoon · 27/04/2025 01:21

That's not your fault. It was poorly organised.

BlondiePortz · 27/04/2025 01:36

Laurmolonlabe · 27/04/2025 00:28

It wasn't really a misunderstanding, your friend misled you , and when the mother having the party didn't mention it- that was the heads up.
You shouldn't have gone, and you know it- that's why you prefaced with what a hard time you are having.
You were right to leave, just chalk it up to experience , and check next time.

Yes this sums it up

Viviennemary · 27/04/2025 01:39

Your friend is a bit of an idiot. This is her fault. I would be annoyed about this.

Moonnstars · 27/04/2025 06:46

pollymere · 27/04/2025 01:13

I told people this for my 18th and for the evening part of our wedding. So they did. I had well-wishers who came along and were welcome. People also felt far more comfortable about bringing partners etc.

If you've said to someone "everyone", it's assumed that includes the twenty children at the nursery. As a parent, if I'd said that I'd assume about half could make it or even less. I definitely would have assumed that any of the nursery kids might turn up — especially to a beach. Your friend did as asked and the Mum was foolish to assume this would only be certain children. Don't feel embarrassed. You were invited because you fulfilled the requirements of the invite given! It's a poor hostess that admits you weren't!

We don't know at all if the friend did as asked. We have no idea if she had even been told that 'everyone' was invited and she needed help 'chasing' people.
As I said earlier the friend and the hosts conversation could literally have been an 'are you all set for the party?' 'Yes just a few things to finish and chase up a few replies.' 'Who's coming?' 'Just kids from nursery'. 'Ok see you later.'
If that was the extent of the conversation all it would imply is that the host hadn't heard from everyone they had invited and that it was only nursery children (but not everyone).
It could be that the 'friend' is actually a bit of a busybody and has invented their own agenda here (or possibly even shit stirring) by telling the OP everyone was invited and that the host was trying to chase people. The fact the host didn't mention anything to the OP when she saw them would suggest she wasn't desperately chasing people (or at least her) to see if they were coming else they would have said something such as 'oh Browndoor can't remember if I checked, are you coming to the beach for X's birthday? Great see you then'. Nothing was said though which was a big clue.

browneyes77 · 27/04/2025 09:41

Whatado · 25/04/2025 21:08

How?

The other mum told her to pass it on as she hadn't managed to catch everyone. If she meant specific people she should have said so.

Is the friend supposed to have read her mind? If she hadn't done such a piss poor job of organising her child's party it wouldn't have happened.

Party mom did not tell other mom to pass anything on. Read the OP again.

I met up with a mum friend in the park yesterday and she said ‘X is having a birthday gathering at the beach tomorrow, X’s mum grabbed me today and said she is trying to catch everybody..’. Today X’s mum walked past me at drop off and I was expecting her to tell me about the birthday gathering but she didn't say anything to me, which I thought was odd.

She simply told other mom that she was trying to catch everybody. At no point does it say that party mom asked other friend to contact people and invite them on her behalf.

The friend made an assumption.

DoItLikeAWoman · 27/04/2025 10:44

I'm mortified for the birthday parents! How very unkind and crass of them to point out that you weren't invited?! No prupose served other than to make you feel bad. When you had made the effort to show up for her child's party??!! How can people do this?

You have nothing to be embarassed about - if anyone should be ashamed it's them.

amccabe15 · 27/04/2025 11:09

Because we have manners. And consider other people’s feelings! 🤦‍♀️

jenrobin · 27/04/2025 11:22

It would have been graceful to let the people she did invite know what she was doing though. If you are only going to invite half of the people in a small established group, you should let them know it's only going to be some of the group; no need to go into detail, just be clear and say "A few of Betty's closest friends" or "It'll only be some of the kids, but I'd like you to come" or make a WhatsApp group so people know who's been invited. It's impolite to mention a party to someone who hasn't been invited, but you do have to know who has been, in order to do that. This mum explicitly told OP's friend that "everyone" was coming which put her in a very awkward position, because of course she would have then mentioned it to anyone and everyone. It's perfectly okay to make an oversight like that, but when you see an unexpected guest, one who is good friends with other invitees, you don't have to be a genius to see the manner of inviting people has caused a confusion. In that situation it's better to not make an issue out of it. Best not to make people feel unwelcome just because there's been a mistake.

NicolaCasanova · 27/04/2025 11:26

How rude of the parent to say your DD wasn’t invited! Presumably the outcome of her turning up would be a piece of cake, maybe a few crisps/snacks and a drink plus their DC and the others having one more to play with?

NicolaCasanova · 27/04/2025 11:27

Was her disorganised invitation because the nursery will not hand out invitations unless all children are included?

happinessischocolate · 27/04/2025 11:35

WindingStair · 26/04/2025 20:50

And that’s why foreigners think Brits are nuts. Imagine making shit up so as not to make someone uncomfortable when they gatecrash your party. To which you deliberately didn’t invite them.

😂 gatecrash a party!!!

it was some preschoolers down the beach 😂

OP I accidentally pressed you’re being unreasonable by mistake sorry, they only thing you’re being unreasonable about is worrying about it. Forget it, or laugh about it. As others have said the only ones who should be embarrassed are the party parents for not being more gracious about the mistake.

I’ve had extras turn up at my kids parties, didn’t bat an eyelid - they’re kids, and it was always due to a mIsunderstanding rather than a pushy parent.