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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I took my daughter to a birthday party that she wasn’t invited to. Whoops.

203 replies

Browndoor25 · 25/04/2025 17:22

Let me start by saying I am having a tough time of it right now (think dog getting pts, flat tires, cat is on the verge of being pts, etc) and this week has been particularly hellish. I’m not telling you this to try and make you feel sorry for me, I am just trying to explain that I am going through a hard time so I am already feeling quite emotional and vulnerable and not very resilient which is why I reacted as I did.

I met up with a mum friend in the park yesterday and she said ‘X is having a birthday gathering at the beach tomorrow, X’s mum grabbed me today and said she is trying to catch everybody..’. Today X’s mum walked past me at drop off and I was expecting her to tell me about the birthday gathering but she didn't say anything to me, which I thought was odd. I thought maybe she knew that my friend had told me although I messaged my friend saying ‘are you sure we are invited as x’s mum didn’t say anything?’. She said ‘Yeah she said she was trying to catch everyone, she’s maybe thinking she had already told you, I can’t imagine she’d invite some kids and not others cause they’ve all been talking about it at nursery’. So along to the birthday we go, I get there and they look surprised to see me and said ‘we didn’t really invite the younger ones but you are welcome to stay and have some cake’. I instantly felt mortified but probably an overreaction on my part.

I went and sat along the beach where my friend was and some of the other kids were playing. I told my friend and she apologised and felt bad for us. I told her it was fine but I felt really awkward. It’s a village nursery so only twenty kids go, and she invited ten out of the twenty however two of the kids only started on Monday so it feels like she invited more than half of the class if you know what I mean. My daughter has been in nursery with her daughter since August and we knew each other beforehand through other birthday parties, village Xmas parties and toddler groups. We are friendly and usually say hi in passing so I was a little bit hurt, especially when another friend turned up with her little girl who is actually younger than my daughter and only started the nursery in Xmas. I guess it’s up to them who they have at the party but I was already feeling rubbish so this has been the cherry to top it off. My friend said I should have gone up to their beach hut to get a coffee and mingle but I honestly couldn’t face all those people with how I was feeling so I let my daughter have a little play on the beach for an hour then headed off.

OP posts:
ForOliveMember · 26/04/2025 08:00

Icanttakethisanymore · 26/04/2025 07:54

I agree! Shitty way for her to handle the situation. She shouldn’t have mentioned it.

So when it came to party bag time and theres not enough then what?

CuriousKangaroo · 26/04/2025 08:01

Browndoor25 · 25/04/2025 17:36

I don’t want to make my friend look bad though. 😬

You don’t have to name your friend. Just explain that one of the mums told you that everyone was invited. I would definitely message her about it because like you I would feel mortified. Though to be clear, this was not your fault at all!

Also, did you take a gift for the birthday girl? Because that makes it less embarrassing (though again, you did nothing wrong!)

Sconeandtea · 26/04/2025 08:38

It was an honest mistake so try not to worry about it.

I think the host has shown her true colours though as she shouldn’t have said that to you and made you feel bad. I wouldn’t have said anything at all in her shoes.

jenrobin · 26/04/2025 09:01

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 25/04/2025 21:12

Oh OP, I’d have been mortified too, but it really wasn’t your fault. One day, this will be a funny story, I promise.

in the meantime, I think if it was me, I’d text the birthday mum ‘so sorry about the party, one of the other mums mistakenly thought you had invited everyone in the nursery and you’d just not caught me. Complete misunderstanding, would hate you to think I’d knowingly gatecrashed. Hope xx had a lovely time!’

Doesn’t name your friend, and makes it clear that it was just a misunderstanding and that you weren’t being a CF.

Dont be upset that your child wasn’t invited though. Maybe she wasn’t in the age bracket they were focusing on, and she’d become close friends with the mum of the new girl. No good comes of being upset at DC not being invited to parties, there are all sorts of annoying social situations to navigate through the primary school years!

This is perfect phrasing

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/04/2025 09:26

Def your friends fault but she wasn’t well if host mum said trying to catch everyone

I would text her and say sorry for the mix up. I was told by someone about the date and time and they said everybody invited - but I should have messaged /checked with you

amele · 26/04/2025 09:41

if I was the host mum, I wouldn’t have said anything to you about not being invited, that’s just mean. It’s in a public place and clearly enough cake to go around.

dairydebris · 26/04/2025 09:50

Surprised to hear so many on here would be happy for extra children to show up at their daughters party uninvited. The birthday mum was catering in her beach hut, she'd have had numbers accounted for. It's rudeness, if unintended.

I call BS on those saying they wouldn't be even slightly miffed.

Feelinglikeadiv · 26/04/2025 11:17

WindingStair · 25/04/2025 20:02

You can’t invite someone to someone else’s party, especially when you’re labouring under a total misapprehension about the first list!

I mean, it’s no big deal either way, obviously.

Well generally no, you wouldn't but that's how the OP was told the invitations were being managed. The first mum confirmed confidently so it's not on OP.

You're right it's fine, not like she turned up to a wedding uninvited but I do think they should have just made her welcome. It's not as though one piece of cake is going to send the numbers out of hand. If there's no party bag, 'oops!'' Why make someone uncomfortable you've got to see every day when the invitations have been so haphazard?

bibliotek · 26/04/2025 13:01

Party-bags this and catering that. Honestly.
Can you not just share? Or say sorry, I wasn’t expecting you, but you’re welcome here.

It was a picnic on a beach, not a venue that required booked places.

The agonising I’ve seen on Mumsnet and in my local community over bloody party bags.
If I could petition to ban them, I would. They’re usually full of plastic nonsense which is fit for the bin within a week and are absolutely surplus to requirement of any child’s get together. What’s important are the kids getting together to have a nice time - and also building community for your kids.

Indyschoolq · 26/04/2025 13:57

Sending a hug ! I have 3 kids aged 8 to 1 so I have thrown many a party. If someone showed up mistakenly thinking they were invited I would not say anything. At that age, most kids are so focused on having fun they won’t eat much anyway - making up an extra little plate is easy. If you can’t cater for a smidge extra you’ve under-catered the event. If they were set little meals just slice/move a bit from each plate to create an extra. Parenting is a constant series of problem solving tasks - no point in wasting energy on turning an extra little girl to celebrate with into an issue!

ForOliveMember · 26/04/2025 15:38

bibliotek · 26/04/2025 13:01

Party-bags this and catering that. Honestly.
Can you not just share? Or say sorry, I wasn’t expecting you, but you’re welcome here.

It was a picnic on a beach, not a venue that required booked places.

The agonising I’ve seen on Mumsnet and in my local community over bloody party bags.
If I could petition to ban them, I would. They’re usually full of plastic nonsense which is fit for the bin within a week and are absolutely surplus to requirement of any child’s get together. What’s important are the kids getting together to have a nice time - and also building community for your kids.

That is literally what the birthday mum said. She told OP she was welcome to stay for cake...

bibliotek · 26/04/2025 15:40

She told her she/her kid wasn’t invited, but stay for cake. She should have invited her in the bloomin first place! It’s a small nursery in a small village. This exclusive access to sit on the public beach near her exclusive beach hut is PEAK AMANDA

KilkennyCats · 26/04/2025 15:43

bibliotek · 26/04/2025 15:40

She told her she/her kid wasn’t invited, but stay for cake. She should have invited her in the bloomin first place! It’s a small nursery in a small village. This exclusive access to sit on the public beach near her exclusive beach hut is PEAK AMANDA

Edited

Yes. Totally different scenario.

Moonnstars · 26/04/2025 15:47

bibliotek · 26/04/2025 15:40

She told her she/her kid wasn’t invited, but stay for cake. She should have invited her in the bloomin first place! It’s a small nursery in a small village. This exclusive access to sit on the public beach near her exclusive beach hut is PEAK AMANDA

Edited

But why should she? It wasn't just one child not invited. Maybe the children don't play together, maybe there has been an incident in the past, maybe the mum only wanted to have people she knows attend this time.
I don't think people are being fair on the host.

TryingToRecover · 26/04/2025 15:48

itsgettingweird · 25/04/2025 17:41

Miscommunication.

However you turned to a public beach with your DD - No crime against that!

I know of a woman who held her DS birthday in a public park. The local one everyone uses all the time. Kids turned up to play in the park whilst the birthday boy and invitees were there. No one even went over to her. Not those who weren’t invited those parents sat in park with coffee from van and chatted.

By hid did she moan about it 🙄

But believe me it said more about her than those who turned up to play as they do every week!

I’m a bit confused, could you possibly explain this again. Sorry!

ForOliveMember · 26/04/2025 15:51

bibliotek · 26/04/2025 15:40

She told her she/her kid wasn’t invited, but stay for cake. She should have invited her in the bloomin first place! It’s a small nursery in a small village. This exclusive access to sit on the public beach near her exclusive beach hut is PEAK AMANDA

Edited

So what if it's a small nursery in a small village? She didn't invite OP's child and thats that. For whatever reason, none of which she needs to explain to anyone.

KilkennyCats · 26/04/2025 15:56

ForOliveMember · 26/04/2025 15:51

So what if it's a small nursery in a small village? She didn't invite OP's child and thats that. For whatever reason, none of which she needs to explain to anyone.

It was on a public beach.

There’s an unspoken rule amongst most normal people that when your “party” is in a public space like a park or a beach, you don’t exclude some members of the class.
You can, but maybe you should think about what it makes you look like.

bibliotek · 26/04/2025 15:58

@ForOliveMember are you the beach hut mum?

bibliotek · 26/04/2025 16:01

Moonnstars · 26/04/2025 15:47

But why should she? It wasn't just one child not invited. Maybe the children don't play together, maybe there has been an incident in the past, maybe the mum only wanted to have people she knows attend this time.
I don't think people are being fair on the host.

Because it’s just the decent thing to do to another mother and another child - not to mention, a nice example to set for your kid. It’s a public space, what would a grown-up get out of being so exclusive to nursery kids?

The OP hasn’t mentioned any previous incidents or difficulties with this relationship so why would I factor that as an excuse?

HeyThereDelila · 26/04/2025 16:07

Don’t feel bad. An accident and not your fault. Your DD won’t have noticed, and your friend shouldn’t have told you you were invited without checking with the Mum who was organising it.

I’m sorry you’re going through such a rough time. Try and get plenty of rest and take it easy.

ra89 · 26/04/2025 16:07

This wasn’t your fault. I think the person who behaved the worst here was the host by telling you you weren’t invited. She should have just said “great to see you!” And left it at that. It was just on the beach.

Try not to feel bad about it, Op.

Ilikeitido · 26/04/2025 16:30

I’m not telling you this to try and make you feel sorry for me

Not from me! And odd you’d think this is how everyone would respond

the mother actually walked past you at pick up and it hour so much as saying a word

and you assumed “I will rock up anyway”

I think you expected everyone on this thread to say OMG you have have been welcomed with open arms and you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about”.

and whilst some have said this, I’d say majority are…. Well given you had no invite, given the day before the woman didn’t mention to you, given your friends ruined that she’s been trying to catch “everybody” but really had no clue what “everybody” included…. Yeah, you were rude

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 26/04/2025 17:29

Surely everyone sticks a couple of extra party bags/cup cakes in anyway?

Mydadsbirthday · 26/04/2025 17:55

JackieDaytonaLuckyBrews · 25/04/2025 17:25

It's not your fault! It was miscommunication -the mum was totally disorganised and "invited" people in a stupid way and the friend was silly to make assumptions about who was invited. I wouldn't be remotely embarrassed. Forget it.

This. Bless you OP, I wouldn't give it another thought. Party mum could have been a little more graceful about it, she was unwelcoming.

amccabe15 · 26/04/2025 18:43

Personally I think X’s mum didn’t handle it well. I’d have pretended to think I HAD invited you to avoid any discomfort.