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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I took my daughter to a birthday party that she wasn’t invited to. Whoops.

203 replies

Browndoor25 · 25/04/2025 17:22

Let me start by saying I am having a tough time of it right now (think dog getting pts, flat tires, cat is on the verge of being pts, etc) and this week has been particularly hellish. I’m not telling you this to try and make you feel sorry for me, I am just trying to explain that I am going through a hard time so I am already feeling quite emotional and vulnerable and not very resilient which is why I reacted as I did.

I met up with a mum friend in the park yesterday and she said ‘X is having a birthday gathering at the beach tomorrow, X’s mum grabbed me today and said she is trying to catch everybody..’. Today X’s mum walked past me at drop off and I was expecting her to tell me about the birthday gathering but she didn't say anything to me, which I thought was odd. I thought maybe she knew that my friend had told me although I messaged my friend saying ‘are you sure we are invited as x’s mum didn’t say anything?’. She said ‘Yeah she said she was trying to catch everyone, she’s maybe thinking she had already told you, I can’t imagine she’d invite some kids and not others cause they’ve all been talking about it at nursery’. So along to the birthday we go, I get there and they look surprised to see me and said ‘we didn’t really invite the younger ones but you are welcome to stay and have some cake’. I instantly felt mortified but probably an overreaction on my part.

I went and sat along the beach where my friend was and some of the other kids were playing. I told my friend and she apologised and felt bad for us. I told her it was fine but I felt really awkward. It’s a village nursery so only twenty kids go, and she invited ten out of the twenty however two of the kids only started on Monday so it feels like she invited more than half of the class if you know what I mean. My daughter has been in nursery with her daughter since August and we knew each other beforehand through other birthday parties, village Xmas parties and toddler groups. We are friendly and usually say hi in passing so I was a little bit hurt, especially when another friend turned up with her little girl who is actually younger than my daughter and only started the nursery in Xmas. I guess it’s up to them who they have at the party but I was already feeling rubbish so this has been the cherry to top it off. My friend said I should have gone up to their beach hut to get a coffee and mingle but I honestly couldn’t face all those people with how I was feeling so I let my daughter have a little play on the beach for an hour then headed off.

OP posts:
KilkennyCats · 25/04/2025 20:48

WindingStair · 25/04/2025 20:45

Are you actually suggesting that an appropriate response from the host should have been to pretend the OP and her child were invited, even though she clearly hadn’t invited them? Weird. Do you generally live in a world where ‘good manners’ involves pretending you issued invitations when you didn’t?

What good was done here?
If op was to be refused admission and sent off with her tail between her legs, there may have been some purpose in explaining that she hadn’t been invited.
Grudgingly telling her she could come in anyway is poor, graceless behaviour.
If you can’t see why, I can’t explain it to you.

diddl · 25/04/2025 20:58

I'm not sure I would have taken another mum's word or confirmed with that mum rather than the party mum tbh.

I think it seems worse to you than it is because you've a lot of other stuff going on.

WhyCantIGetItTogether · 25/04/2025 21:01

KilkennyCats · 25/04/2025 17:38

Pig rude of the hostess to make you feel shit.
You were already there, what purpose was served by telling you you weren’t invited but grudgingly allowing you in anyway?
No class.

I agree. How hard is it to just be nice?! Sick of mean people.

Lifeisapeach · 25/04/2025 21:03

KilkennyCats · 25/04/2025 17:38

Pig rude of the hostess to make you feel shit.
You were already there, what purpose was served by telling you you weren’t invited but grudgingly allowing you in anyway?
No class.

This

Adrinaxo · 25/04/2025 21:04

Same ones who cry when nobody shows up, she sounds like an unorganised mess! Whilst you're out there making effort for her child she can p'ss off she's rude.

Arancia · 25/04/2025 21:06

Why did your friend tell you that you were invited? And why would you turn up to a party that the actual host hasn't invited you to personally?

Whatado · 25/04/2025 21:08

Eldermillennialmum · 25/04/2025 18:02

surely it's the fault of the friend who said OP was invited!

How?

The other mum told her to pass it on as she hadn't managed to catch everyone. If she meant specific people she should have said so.

Is the friend supposed to have read her mind? If she hadn't done such a piss poor job of organising her child's party it wouldn't have happened.

Teateaandmoretea · 25/04/2025 21:09

KilkennyCats · 25/04/2025 17:38

Pig rude of the hostess to make you feel shit.
You were already there, what purpose was served by telling you you weren’t invited but grudgingly allowing you in anyway?
No class.

^^ this

it isn’t like it was something she’d paid ££££ for per child.

She behaved like an arse.

RaynorW · 25/04/2025 21:09

If it makes you feel better, here’s my story…

I have the same name as another parent, and a child with the same name, for background. I didn’t know this at first when my son started in a new class.

Soon after joining the class I got a WhatsApp, ‘hi Raynor, would Nicky like to come to Charlie’s birthday?’. Confirmed it, thought it was nice so soon after starting.

Turned out she’d pulled my number from
the class WhatsApp, not knowing about the shared names for me and my son with the other mum and son! She was REALLY rude about it! Said I should have realised Nicky wasn’t invited as he’d just started and basically blamed me the best friend missed out!!!

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 25/04/2025 21:12

Oh OP, I’d have been mortified too, but it really wasn’t your fault. One day, this will be a funny story, I promise.

in the meantime, I think if it was me, I’d text the birthday mum ‘so sorry about the party, one of the other mums mistakenly thought you had invited everyone in the nursery and you’d just not caught me. Complete misunderstanding, would hate you to think I’d knowingly gatecrashed. Hope xx had a lovely time!’

Doesn’t name your friend, and makes it clear that it was just a misunderstanding and that you weren’t being a CF.

Dont be upset that your child wasn’t invited though. Maybe she wasn’t in the age bracket they were focusing on, and she’d become close friends with the mum of the new girl. No good comes of being upset at DC not being invited to parties, there are all sorts of annoying social situations to navigate through the primary school years!

bibliotek · 25/04/2025 21:26

This is not on you OP. So don’t worry.
Your friend made the mistake, and I don’t think your assumption was beyond reason.

It’s not like the party was in a venue and restricted by paid and counted places. It’s a picnic in a beach. Big wow.
Re: the party mum - In that situation, I’d just welcome you in. What’s to be gained from making you feel awkward like that?
I think the party mum sounds like a right cow.
Don’t mind her. But also don’t make a big thing of it. It’s a small village and it’s already in the past.

dandelion246 · 25/04/2025 21:38

I agree, the hostess was very rude and it sounds very "mean girls". I would forget it and move on with your life :)

Comedycook · 25/04/2025 21:39

RaynorW · 25/04/2025 21:09

If it makes you feel better, here’s my story…

I have the same name as another parent, and a child with the same name, for background. I didn’t know this at first when my son started in a new class.

Soon after joining the class I got a WhatsApp, ‘hi Raynor, would Nicky like to come to Charlie’s birthday?’. Confirmed it, thought it was nice so soon after starting.

Turned out she’d pulled my number from
the class WhatsApp, not knowing about the shared names for me and my son with the other mum and son! She was REALLY rude about it! Said I should have realised Nicky wasn’t invited as he’d just started and basically blamed me the best friend missed out!!!

Omg! That's so horrible of her

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 25/04/2025 21:43

Honestly so rude of the hostess. I have had random people turn up at parties and I have always thought how nice and welcome them. I always over feed so the more the merrier.

LuluDelulu · 26/04/2025 06:38

YANBU. Your friend was daft, the birthday child’s mum was very rude to say anything, and you were innocent in all this. Don’t worry!

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 26/04/2025 06:56

Why should the party mother 'style it out'. There's enough threads on MN showing the bringing siblings of invited kids is a no-no as it's extremely bad mannered and rude to the party host.
The OP put the party mother in an invidious position and should be ashamed.
The child wasn't invited. The reason does not have to be given, be there only 3 kids in the class and one wasn't invited, or 20, it matters not. No-one is obliged to invite the entire class. The birthday child should decide who attends, not a parent who hasn't checked whether they've been invited or not.

Tallyrand · 26/04/2025 07:17

Sounds like your friend wasn't particularly keen on going so tried to drag you along for company.

This wouldn't even register on my top 100 things to worry about given the week you've had.

I'd just forget about it OP..

Evaka · 26/04/2025 07:21

She should be embarrassed! What a cow.

Write it off OP x

HelenWheels · 26/04/2025 07:22

it wasnt your fault

ForOliveMember · 26/04/2025 07:35

Would you really? Even though you catered for catered for the specific numbers who rsvp'd so there might not be enough food and didn't have enough party bags for everyone etc, also maybe the birthday mum is also going through a rough time like the OP maybe she thought OP was the cheeky fucker who chanced taking her child to a party she had not been invited too.

ForOliveMember · 26/04/2025 07:42

KilkennyCats · 25/04/2025 20:48

What good was done here?
If op was to be refused admission and sent off with her tail between her legs, there may have been some purpose in explaining that she hadn’t been invited.
Grudgingly telling her she could come in anyway is poor, graceless behaviour.
If you can’t see why, I can’t explain it to you.

But likely there was no party bag etc for her child, so I'm assuming the host wanted to let her know. Plus her just turning up probably took the host by surprise and that is how she reacted in that moment.

Moonnstars · 26/04/2025 07:47

Yes I agree with these later comments.
Parties are always a difficult issue. There was someone posting earlier this week about not receiving many replies and wondering if invites were lost, and then you have the post from a little while ago about someone bringing their child without responding and then being late to collect.
I don't think it was rude of the host to comment on the OP not being invited. It may be a public beach but that doesn't mean she hadn't bought a specific number of cup cakes or had planned games like pass the parcel knowing that there was a sweet in each layer for the right number of children.
It is the friend who was wrong and the OP should have asked for the party hosts number to check or to have got the friend to message them when they were together and showed them the response. For all we know the friends conversation with the host could have simply been 'all sorted for Fred's party' 'yes just a few more bits to finish and chase up a few friends' 'oh have you invited many' 'just children from nursery. See you later'.
Friend therefore when seeing the OP may have mentioned Fred's party, and when the OP said she wasn't invited added their own version of Oh Fred's mum was chasing friends from nursery, I am sure you are invited.
The sensible thing would have been to check and considering the mum didn't say anything when you saw her then assumed the friend was wrong.

dontcryformeargentina · 26/04/2025 07:52

Totallytoti · 25/04/2025 18:14

Actually I do think you should have checked with the mother directly. After she saw you and didn’t mention a thing, it was up to you to check with her and not your friend. I don’t know why you would just go with that? Just like any other event, you go if you’re invited and you would always check with the host otherwise?
i also don’t blame the mother for being annoyed because inviting 10/20 kids is a selected group and she probably didn’t cater for extra people.

This.

Icanttakethisanymore · 26/04/2025 07:54

KilkennyCats · 25/04/2025 17:38

Pig rude of the hostess to make you feel shit.
You were already there, what purpose was served by telling you you weren’t invited but grudgingly allowing you in anyway?
No class.

I agree! Shitty way for her to handle the situation. She shouldn’t have mentioned it.

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 26/04/2025 07:57

KilkennyCats · 25/04/2025 17:38

Pig rude of the hostess to make you feel shit.
You were already there, what purpose was served by telling you you weren’t invited but grudgingly allowing you in anyway?
No class.

This is exactly what I was thinking. Incredibly mean and rude of the host.