Is it selfish to take this job?

[Neapl]

I’m a single parent to dd who will be 3 in December. I have been offered a job with a substantial pay rise of 92k. However it means I will need to be in the office by 9 and won’t be able to collect DD from nursery until 6pm. So she would be there from 8:30am to 6pm which feels like forever for such a small child. I can work from home one day a week in this job.

At the moment I work largely from home and can drop her off at 9am and collect her at 5pm. I can also keep on top of things at home as I work from home nearly every day and can sometimes, maybe once or twice a week, collect her at 3pm. But the pay is less (I’m on 70k) and unlikely to get any proper pay rise again at this company.

I feel like she is so small and it is maybe very selfish to take a job that will essentially make me less available for her. I don’t know what to do. Her dad won’t help or do more, he just sees her every Sunday for the day so nothing can change there.

It’s an extra 1.5hrs a day, for the ability to have an increased quality of living. I don’t know why you’d be quibbling

Can you not employ a child-minder? That’s a very long time to be in nursery, loads of studies to say it’s stressful for them to be there at all.

Go for it! The additional salary will allow you to appoint a cleaner or a nanny for your daughter and the increased hours in nursery aren’t significant.

Seconding this: work out how much you’ll actually end up with. For myself, I’ve always chosen the flexible option with less money and less stress. If you’ve been mostly working from home for a while, it’s easy to underestimate how rigid an office regime is going to be. I think you might end up rushed off your feet trying to keep up with all the domestic stuff, and then you will feel that you’re not worth the new salary…

A nanny/childminder would help. They could drop her to nursery at her usual times, and take care of feeding her when she gets home etc to take the pressure off you.

I would carefully consider school holidays for once she is at school . There is 13 weeks a year to cover. Most holiday clubs are 9-3 , so that leaves a lot of time. Especially if you have no family or friends who can help out. Also before and after school. Quite often only 7.45 to 5.30. With more people working from home there is less demand for before and after school care.

Hi everyone, thank you so much for the posts!

I am going to ask if I can work until 4:30 and take any pay cut on that basis and also request that I can work from home every Tuesday. This would mean I could have a definite day where I can do the wash at lunchtime etc. And if I can finish at 4:30 I could collect by 4:45 so it’s a much shorter day.

I feel sick that they may reject this and I will feel really really resentful that women (mostly!) are put in this position. I know I will feel overwhelming resentment if it isn’t agreed. But I feel I need to ask it.

That sounds very sensible and if they really want you, they'll see that these requests are reasonable.
I hope it works out for you.

I love this solution! Hope it works out for you... and if not they are idiots for not recognising the loyalty that comes from being flexible with staff. Good luck!

Honestly
I don’t understand your rationale . Drop hours and wfh to maintain some chores and to use less nursery?
I think you shouldn’t request this, not yet. I think you should work the hours that you interviewed for. The hours would have been in the JD and job advert

Imo. work and pass probation, then see if you want flexi working

however, I do think that there’s a culture on mn of not encouraging women to take and not maintain full-time jobs and also culture of don’t use child support childcare to facilitate the ft job.

On mn when women discuss ft roles there is also a wave of suggestions to go, pt, wfh and decrease hours.Alwats the woman stepping back,stepping don

i have never read a mn post about a man declining a ft well paid role because he doesn’t want a child in childcare. Yet women are routinely told,it’s only work etc

Finally women are put in this position, because we allow ourselves to think it is our position,our responsibility to do chores,shorter work days etc
Resentful? You’ve put yourself in this position. Voluntarily. You have child care options you’re choosing not to use them. To get a shorter day ,to do chores , to use less nursery

@Zone2NorthLondon I do agree with this. I posted a few times about problems I'm having with going back to work and pumping milk etc and 90% of the replies are to go part time. LOL. It's simply not possible in my career. And I don't want to ruin 15 years of effort or lose my home because I can't pay the mortgage, for the sake of a few hard months, in my case. I just needed advice on pumping and weaning and instead got told to drop my hours.

Child can be extra hour in nursery for you to put washing on etc and have extra time for you to catch up on you.
You do not need to be every hour outside work with dc

You’re getting a 22k pay rise and you want to step back?madness
22k rise plus 15% bonus, the expectation is you step up and do the regular hours
If that means your child is in nursery until 1800 so be it. That’s what the pay rise softens. Thats literally what a salary is, financial remuneration for your time and expectation you arrange your commitment to fit around work

I mean really, what did you expect with a pay rise ? Less responsibility and time to put on laundry?

On mn you’ll get a slew of responses either advising you to go pt or sentimental waffle about missing daughter childhood. All probably said by folk who are PT , don’t work or didn’t recently get a 92k job

Time to congratulate yourself on your achievement
Time to step up
Time to not cut your hours in new role

No one “put” you in this position. You chose to have children.

We all have the same 24 hours in the day.

Another thing to consider is that your daughter will be starting school in the next couple of years. It’s a big step up and some children do struggle and need a bit more support getting in in the morning etc. it’s a lot easier to have this flexibility when working from home and when you’ve built up a strong reputation /good relationship with manager, than if you’re new in the role and expected to be in office by a certain time.
Once at school my son was so exhausted by the end of the day he couldn’t manage at after school club till 6. He has got additional needs/separation anxiety but I’ve had to cut my hours right back in order to support him.
It does mean I’m struggling financially but it has been lovely to be able to do the school run and have time with him. I’m pretty much putting my career on hold until he’s more independent.

another thread a woman on 95k is complaining she’s got to take a paycut if she wants to finish 1530 do do they school run. She wants to interrupt work to collect child,come home with child, then resume later on in evening. Is suprised her work said no, finish 1530 take a pay cut to reflect that.Toaalllly misses point , she waft off1530, other colleagues pick up the work. Someone else does the end of day heavy lifting , which is unfair.

Putting a 3 yo in childcare from 8.30 - 6.00pm 5 days a week, unless absolutely necessary is madness to me. People on their deathbeds don't look back and wished they worked more hours so they could buy more 'stuff'

Have you been on a deathbed? My elderly dad had a brush with death a few years ago and I'm afraid he wasn't wishing he'd spent more time with me and my sister. He was re-living his glory days at work!

Agree Via work I’ve see multiple deaths and actually people fondly recall achievements and work.Never heard a wish I’d spent more time in the garden or at time home

Stick with the 70k flexible job. You reach a point where the increase doesn’t match the impact it has on your life!

I’d say adherence to your job core hours if you want full pay is a necessity
Via work I’ve see multiple deaths and actually people fondly recall achievements and work.Never heard a wish I’d spent more time in the garden or at time home

Such a stupid thing to say.

In fact there are many many women who look back on their lives and very much wish they had a more satisfying career. Or the opportunity to provide more for their children.

Like a PP I also work with dying people.

Is anyone thinking of the child with these comments? She only sees her father on a Sunday as far as I could ascertain, so now people are advocating she barely see her mother either. Each to their own I suppose but I do feel sorry for the kids in these situations.

Dry your tears. Save your sympathy
childcare doesn’t equal abandonment
children in day care are loved and held in Regard by their absent avaricious work horse parents