Is it selfish to take this job?

[Neapl]

I’m a single parent to dd who will be 3 in December. I have been offered a job with a substantial pay rise of 92k. However it means I will need to be in the office by 9 and won’t be able to collect DD from nursery until 6pm. So she would be there from 8:30am to 6pm which feels like forever for such a small child. I can work from home one day a week in this job.

At the moment I work largely from home and can drop her off at 9am and collect her at 5pm. I can also keep on top of things at home as I work from home nearly every day and can sometimes, maybe once or twice a week, collect her at 3pm. But the pay is less (I’m on 70k) and unlikely to get any proper pay rise again at this company.

I feel like she is so small and it is maybe very selfish to take a job that will essentially make me less available for her. I don’t know what to do. Her dad won’t help or do more, he just sees her every Sunday for the day so nothing can change there.

100% This. Good luck!

Just do it.

I am sure my dcs did full days at nursery for stretches when they were little. I don't remember it much and neither do they.

People forget that parenting is the long game. It is not just wiping snotty noses and doing school runs when they are young. It is also about creating a stable and financially secure environment for them to help them to launch.

It is an incredible gift to be able to give your dc a deposit for house or allow them to graduate debt free from university. You also have more flexibility to work from home or go part time when they are teenagers because you have gained enough seniority at work to dictate your hours. Little children don't particularly mind who takes care of them so long as the person is reasonably caring and fun. When they get older, the issues are more complex and many things can only be sorted out by parents or with money. Working from home also means you can be there for teenage dcs when they are ready to talk or open up.

Personally OP, save yourself for dd's older years if you had to choose now or later. It has greater benefit when she is older.

OP, if it was me, I’d stay where I was. You have a brill balance at the moment for your DD. There will be time for more money when she’s bigger x

Hello.

I had a similar quandary and found middle ground...I work 4 days a week, or rather 32 hours and not 40. This has helped in so many ways... I still get a great salary, with my career trajectory still looking good but I can flex my hours over the week to make sure I've still got time (and energy) for my 3year old. Sometimes that means a day off in the week, but more often than not it means not having to work evenings or worrying over the weekends as a full time job with that sort of salary usually requires additional effort. Only doing 80% means I keep it contained. It also means I still get the Tax free child care. You'd need to be careful that your bonus doesn't tip you over 100k. I might go up to 5 days when my son is a but for the foreseeable part-time really works for us.

You don't want the 15% bonus. That will take your earnings over £100k and you’ll start to lose your personal allowance, free childcare hours, etc. You can mitigate some of the effect through increased pension contributions. But not all.

Mine was in Nursery from 9-3 attached to a school then did clubs until 4.30 anyway. I was wondering if you could have a part-time Nanny instead so she gets to be at home on those four days.

Personally I probably wouldn't take it because i loved those after school sessions I did have with DC. But if I look back with honesty, there were so many After-School Clubs and Dancing Lessons etc that having a childminder or nanny doing the ferrying probably wouldn't make much difference to how much time we did actually spend together. If you can afford to do that with the new job then go for it!

Take the money. Having strong income is doing the best for your child. Once you are in post you may be able to flex yours more us start/ finish times. And if not- look for another job in a few years at that level. However school will be more challenging than nursery- shorter hours, no wrap around care. Looking for part time care now will give you more flexibility.

Is there a chance that this opportunity may be available in the future?

I gave up a high paid job that I had worked towards for years. It felt really weird at first but I have never regretted it.
Having time for my child (and for me) was lovely. I still had a reasonable salary (as you do on your current rate) and the flexibility is priceless.

In comparison some friends who took on tougher roles have recently admitted that they felt that they missed out on a lot.

If you did go for it would you be able to afford a nanny/childminder so that your child will be in a home environment after school/nursery?

Good luck with whatever you decide.

She can contribute up to 60k a year to her pension so she can bring her net adjusted income down below 100k very easily. Most people contribute about 10% to their pensions anyway so she’d probably not need to specifically add more than she otherwise would (although she could contribute more if she wanted to / needed to).

have been in your position OP, it is a struggle but honestly the extra hour doesn’t make a difference to children, the guilt you feel is much heavier than their awareness of a little extra time at nursery. Not being able to sort anything around the house however, makes a big difference as you then need to spend more time off work catching up on those.

I’d take it as opportunity may not come again and hire a cleaner and buy more pre-made food. I think once you dine 6 months there be more chance to cut to 4 days or more wfh. It will be hard but as a single mum you are going ti need the money

Imagine this being a forum of mainly men and they would seriously all be saying ‘take the job’. In fact it wouldn’t even be a question a man would put on a forum - he would just be delighted and accept the role.

Congratulations on being offered the role. You are setting you and your daughter up for life. You are also showing her that women can achieve what they want in life and be successful.

I agree with this, I am so grateful that I was able to spend a lot of time with my children when they were growing up but it’s a very personal choice. Good luck whatever you decide to do.

As my mum always asks what would a man do ?

Take the job.

Take the job it’s only an hours difference at nursery she will hardly notice that. With the cost of life/everything at the moment that money can secure her future which is invaluable. If I had the opportunity to earn 92k for just an extra hours childcare a day I would not turn it down

Take the job. Spend some of the money on a decent nanny if necessary (if you're in London, look at Koru Kids for an after school nanny for a year or so's time).

You're a single parent. Who knows what the future holds?

Your ex doesn't appear to feel guilty for spending a single day a week with her, does he?!

If OP has the opportunity of this kind of money she's very likely in London.

The childcare will be available.

You could take the new job and ask to do more from home or even work 4 days a week and still be better off than you are now. Assuming the jobs are otherwise perfectly equivalent, take the new offer.

I'm in the 'take the job' camp.
But, think about starting school which will come round quickly, how will you manage school times, school holidays, sickness at nursery and school.

Also try to imagine how your new working day/week will look, getting up, showering/shopping etc etc
Does that work for you, if it doesn't, think hard before accepting.
I managed ok WFH 2 days and 1 in the office but I struggle with 2 office, 1wfh, little things can throw you right off.

Taking the job isn't selfish if it works for you both, but not a good idea if it's gonna make life really difficult.

I can see why you would be feeling bad about taking the job, but I think it does sound like it would be worth it. Mainly because if you don't do it now you may never get the opportunity. As others have said it really isn't all that much of a difference in time that you are picking her up. I wouldn't worry that it will now be consistently later, rather than a few odd days where you were able to collect much earlier. Could you get some extra time off instead, as I think that would be more beneficial time than an extra hour in the evening? Probably depends on the industry you're in, but if you can I'd make use of parental leave and buying annual leave if that's an option where you are.

I wouldn't do it personally. Working from
home is a huge help for parents and an extra hour a day with my little one would be a big deal particularly if I didn't even have the whole weekend with them.

But everyone is different and ultimately it depends on how much you need the extra money.

My DD was in nursery from 7.30-6 from 10 months and I was on a lot less than you’ll be earning! The lifestyle you’ll be able to have will be so much better on your new salary. Im a single mum too. I get it. I always thought I’d be a SAHM until DD went to school. But life doesn’t always work out the way we think it will. Take the job. DD will be fine. Think of it this way… if it helps… you can afford to have a cleaner so when you are at home you’ll be able to give DD 100% of your time.

Go for it OP I’ve been a lone parent for 15 years and really pushed myself when she was little. Honestly it will pay off longer term and she will be fine. Go for it.

it would really depend on how much I needed the money. Working from home helps with all the juggling so much. You can throw on a wash quickly during a break, you can make the dinner at lunch time. I’m so less tired because I’m not running around all the time. I wouldn’t work 4 days in an office, when my kids are around, for any money. It sounds like you have relaxed mornings and it is more than an hour a day because you pick her up earlier other days.

You’ll also be completely shattered by the weekend in your new place and you’ll need the weekend to catch up on house stuff. If I did take it, I’d spend the money on a nanny to come to your house.

I wouldn't take it OP. Not at her age if you have little to no support. You're still on a good wage. I'd wait until she was at school then go for the promotion. Those saying children don't remember the early years are missing one vital point. It's not about what they remember - you are forming their personality and their relationship with you. Good luck.