Is it selfish to take this job?

[Neapl]

I’m a single parent to dd who will be 3 in December. I have been offered a job with a substantial pay rise of 92k. However it means I will need to be in the office by 9 and won’t be able to collect DD from nursery until 6pm. So she would be there from 8:30am to 6pm which feels like forever for such a small child. I can work from home one day a week in this job.

At the moment I work largely from home and can drop her off at 9am and collect her at 5pm. I can also keep on top of things at home as I work from home nearly every day and can sometimes, maybe once or twice a week, collect her at 3pm. But the pay is less (I’m on 70k) and unlikely to get any proper pay rise again at this company.

I feel like she is so small and it is maybe very selfish to take a job that will essentially make me less available for her. I don’t know what to do. Her dad won’t help or do more, he just sees her every Sunday for the day so nothing can change there.

For me it would depend on the school plans and options. When does she start? 2026? Are you likely to be able to move on from this job by then or is this job the one that has to work for school? Will there be a breakfast club? What are the after school club options? Or a childminder? Is the extra money worth it for an afterschool nanny?
IF this job will work for school then I wouldn’t worry about the extra hour a day nursery right now.

In my experience the more senior you are the easier it is to do these things.

You need to do the maths after tax. That might not be such a huge increase and might not be worth the extra hassle. Those are very long days and a lot of pick ups and drop offs to consider.

I would take the job, look into paying for some help to collect DD a bit earlier and sort tea for her and then you can have quality time when you get home. Once you have got your foot in the door and passed probation you may find you can be more flexible. It sounds like a great opportunity for you, congratulations!

It’s only 90 mins more. What’s there to even think about?

plus being on major money, you can afford 1-2-1 childcare some days.

I’m a few years down the line and, on top of the very valid advice you’ve been given already, I’d advise to think of future career progression. If your current role doesn’t have any opportunities for future progression (salary or otherwise), you’ll have to make a switch at some point. It might be easier doing it now while your daughter is at nursery full time vs. when she’s in school. If the other role offers you more future opportunities as well, that’s a double bonus.

Absolutely take it. Put anything over 100k in your pension. You already said there is no room for progression where you are, so you would be long term limiting yourself not to.
Both my kids were in full time 8-6 day care from under a year old and then after school clubs. That was completely normal for kids of working parents in my era. They coped with the transition to school and as they got older, with longer days, much better than all of the kids who had never been left before.

I would be thinking about future progression here. Will this job set you up for more promotion in the future? If so, then I would definitely take it. I would be inclined to take it anyway for the boost you could give your pension and for savings cushion you could potentially build up. It's hard being a single parent and financial security makes it far easier, it will give you options in the future that you don't yet know you need

We regret the things we don't do not the things we do. If you don't take the job you will regret it.

It s fine. Buy in more help so child can be home picked up say 2 days a week by someone and dinner cooked for you.

Dh and I had to put all our three through nursery from 12months old from 7:30 to 7pm because of work
They haven’t suffered ( now in their 20s ).

They loved it, made lots of friends, did lots of activities we wouldn’t normally think of.
You could take the opportunity before you accept the job of trying out the longer days. If nursery will allow it.

Take the new job. In time, negotiate more flexible working patterns. Frankly, I’d probably put that as a condition of acceptance. Hybrid working has always been a condition of me taking a role, even back when no one knew what that meant.

grab the opportunity while you can, invest in your futures - by stepping up now you increase the odds of being able to work more flexibly in the future - don't forget you are entitled to request flexible working, so get your feet in the new role, show them how amazing you are and then when the time is right request it

Have you worked out what the net will be after tax and NI? It may not be a huge amount more

I wouldn't take the new job - you will be run ragged trying to keep on top of everything. I was in your position and it's really tough keeping on top of everything when you're a single parent with a demanding job - and it will be demanding to get your bonus.

You have a great set up now, working for you and your DD - you can always do some CPD and then avtively look for a promotion when your DD is older.

ps its not selfish at all, mothers already are disproportionately impacted professionally by having children so you have to fight twice as hard to get where most men are.

This was literally my first question!

I am also really bad on your behalf at her father. I hate how many leave so much of the childcare to their ex to workout.

It's a tough one OP. I am on the same salary with a 3 year old in nursery too, currently WFH full time. I am not sure I would go back to office for 92k, but it definitely wouldn't be selfish to do so.

As a PP said, it would really only be an extra hour or so at nursery, it's nothing. And she is not that small a child, mine were spending this long in nursery when they were 1 already (not ideal, but research shows that after 3 it is totally fine).

For me the hesitation would be for the flexibility. Currently I can pick her up easily if she is sick, I can attend other DC' sports day, concerts without needing to pre arrange it. I can get on with housework and laundry on quieter days, while not wasting time commuting on busy days.

I think it depends if currently you are financially comfortable enough and able to save. If not then I think the extra money would be good to secure your future.

If it were me, personally, I'd stick with the current job. It still sounds a great job and I'm sure other opportunities will still be out there in the future, but you'll never get this time back whilst she's little. (I don't think you'd be selfish to take it though either if that's what you decide to do).

I would sit down and do the maths as once you factor in additional childcare costs, losing child benefit (all be it you will pay a portion back through self assessment) and the very real risk of losing all personal allowance by the 15% bonus and 20% childcare tax scheme it's probably not worth it when compared to flexible working.

Sit down and do the sums.

That’s a huge amount to turn down, the payrise PLUS the bonus.

And there is absolutely no way of getting her father to do more?

I would probably think differently if it would be a dramatic increase in nursery hours but currently it’s tiny. It also depends how she feels about nursery? I know in my family we have a mix - some of who are “meh”, some who always seem pained to go and others who have to be dragged out of the nursery as they don’t want to leave.

Also how financially comfortable are you now? I had a tiny increase of 5k and felt the difference. Yours is huge.

I would be tempted to take it and then if it really does not work out with the stress, quit.

I'd take it.
Also, I'd hire a really good cleaner, so you won't have to worry about that.

That said OP I am a sucker for flexibility. And will sacrifice a bit on money for flexibility.

But then 22k extra +15% bonus is no joke.

You haven't said why you want a new job or what the extra costs are such as travel, lunches, extra time at nursery etc etc

If I had enough money on your current salary then I wouldn't take the extra - for me, working from home and being able to stay on top of cleaning, cooking etc is worth more than the money - also, have you figured out how much extra it is as for the hassle it might not be worth it - people are just dividing £22k by 12 without thinking of tax, national insurance, loss of benefit plus potential increased pension contribution