Is it selfish to take this job?

[Neapl]

I’m a single parent to dd who will be 3 in December. I have been offered a job with a substantial pay rise of 92k. However it means I will need to be in the office by 9 and won’t be able to collect DD from nursery until 6pm. So she would be there from 8:30am to 6pm which feels like forever for such a small child. I can work from home one day a week in this job.

At the moment I work largely from home and can drop her off at 9am and collect her at 5pm. I can also keep on top of things at home as I work from home nearly every day and can sometimes, maybe once or twice a week, collect her at 3pm. But the pay is less (I’m on 70k) and unlikely to get any proper pay rise again at this company.

I feel like she is so small and it is maybe very selfish to take a job that will essentially make me less available for her. I don’t know what to do. Her dad won’t help or do more, he just sees her every Sunday for the day so nothing can change there.

I agree with this if it weren’t for the dad having the child on a Sunday.
If I was op I too would be torn. .(def the mum guilt )

Just to say, if no one else has, that that bonus if paid in full (which admittedly they rarely are) will take you above 100k at which point you will lose your tax free childcare and start losing your personal allowance.

You can avoid that cliff edge if you divert the bonus straight to your pension, however it means the extra cash won’t be available to you for a long time, and of no help with childcare.

I wouldn't take it. That's a long day for a child to be in nursery. You have time when she's older to pursue those kind of jobs.

I’d go for the job. Everything is expensive, you’re a single earner and need to secure her future. Go for it!

I'm not sure how much better off you'll actually be with the loss of child benefit/tax free childcare etc plus you pay 60% tax on any income over 100k (because of the loss of the tax free allowance). I would look very carefully at this because the extra you earn may not be worth the extra stress and disruption.

Career progression is really important though, but only you know how much progression/potential increase in salary there might be.

Good luck whatever you decide

Are you aware of the tax and childcare funding implications of this?

Child benefit is now tapered between £60k and £80k, for every £2k you earn above £60k you pay 10% back (essentially). So at £70k under the current rules she can keep half the CB she receives - not that that's a reason not to take the new job of course :)

(and thank you for the Happy Birthday, it made me smile!!!)

Before COVID and WFH, sending kids to nursery FT from 0800-1800/1830 was the norm for many working parents...........

For 70k , to have two afternoons finish at 1500 and DROP at 0900 (so assume back home by 0930) is an absolute luxury very very few working parents had....

The 15% bonus will take you over 100k so you need to look into salary sacrifice / tax implications and whether you'll be working more for little gain once you've lost the tax free childcare and possibly funded nursery hours. If your new job will consider part time, you'd be able to do 4 days per week for similar pay to what you're earning now.
In terms of your actual question, I dont think an extra 1.5 hours in nursery is that big a deal, but my 3yo has always done those hours 4 days a week and loves nursery. In terms of not wfh, the increase in salary should pay for enough outsourcing (cleaner gardener etc) to not have to worry about being home less.

Take it. My DD was in nursery from 8 until after 5. She was happy and settled there. She is now in Y3 and exceeding in all areas. She goes to wraparound every morning and after school too. I make sure we spend quality time together every evening, reading, sitting on the sofa together etc. she has activities on Saturdays but Sundays are ‘our day’ she can choose what we do. She is confident, resilient and very polite. Being a single parent is so hard, the pressure to pay every bill, be there, keep the house tidy, cook every meal etc is very hard. My increased wage pays for lovely holidays and activities. I make it work and you will too. The security of having a decent monthly wage and money in the bank is worth it for me. I know kids who go straight home after school and watch tv / play on devices for hours, my DD is playing in school club, colouring, creating etc I would much rather this.

I think the impact on the rest of your life will have more of an effect than the slightly longer nursery day.

Will you enjoy the new job at least as much as your current one? Is it good for the career you wont going forwards? Will you be more stressed with the job?

And at home, that extra time away from the house - will that make chores more difficult? Do you have a partner who will step up or could you afford a part time housekeeper?

Check salary calculator to work out the real numbers and how much of that will be given to Hmrc as it will be 40% tax on that increase

I'd kill dead things for that salary!

Take the job, and buy in loads of help, so your time with your lovely DD is not hemmed in by housework etc.

Look, I was the eldest of 6 children (it was the 1960s!) all born within 18 months of each other - most of us closer in age than that (it was the 1960s). I went to school at 4. My mother was a SAHM, but I reckon I'd have had more time with my mother if I'd been an only child and she'd worked outside the home.

Don't let people make you feel guilty.

How much will this £22k extra pay rise actually put in your pocket after tax each month? I think you need to go down into that detail, and what can you do with that. Also will you be able to cope with those hours when she's at school. We have trouble finding wrap around care.

I would add - I’m in my 50s now. I have a lot of friends who had kids in their late 30s/early 40s who were in prime career mode before hand. Almost all of them (including me) took a step back while their husbands kept going and only one really managed to get back on track later. Their husbands were taking the promotions and leaving the wives to sort out the logistics and fill in the gaps.

Most of the women sort of regret it (including me). They loved more time with their kids and the lower stress, but that is now in the past and they have another decade or more of a stalled career and filling in the gaps while their husbands continue to be the big earners and have their careers, and the choices associated with them, prioritised.

So I would think not just about what would be ideal right now but also how you want your life to be in 10 and 20 years time.

I personally wouldn't change my job for a job that requires you to be in the office 4 days a week with a 3 yo and as a single mum. You will be overwhelmed.

With tax etc you will be around 1k max better off a month. This doesn't go a long way tbh if you need to pay a cleaner or extra childcare when little one is unwell etc. Therefore, I don't see it like a huge increase as you will encounter extra cost with your busier life.

If you largely WFH now then you need to factor in not only the extra hours spent out of the house, less time to manage your own household admin and chores, but also the extra childcare costs, commuting costs, buying lunch and coffees every day, needing smarter clothes etc., and you might find you don't actually benefit from much of that extra 22k after tax and all your added expenses. It might not feel like enough money to make all the extra stress and aggravation worthwhile.

But is it a great opportunity that you won't easily get again? Personally I'd be inclined to stay put until your DD is in school. It's a long day for her to be without you when she's not used to that at all and if she struggles to adjust then it's a lot of pressure on you with no partner to share the load with.

Spend a bit of money to get some care in the afternoon and all will be fine. The extra money will allow you to do some wonderful things with DD.

Take it.

Its not that much more than she’s doing now, and she’ll grow into those longer hours naturally anyway, especially if she’s already happy where she is.

You’ll have mum guilt whatever you do. You’ll be tired til she’s 10 whatever you do.

As others have said - outsource as much grunt work as possible.

Flexibility will come more with seniority, so take this step up now and it will set you in a position of more control, choice and flex in the future.

What an awesome role model you are for your daughter! Go for it! In any case, if you hate it, there will always be something else, always… Never feel hemmed in, you’ve got this.

Hi OP, before you make the decision consider this. Although it is a nominal ~30% pay increase, after tax it will be ~25%. If you get the full 15% bonus it will be a ~30% or an extra ~£20k. However you will cross the £100k threshold by around £5k so if you currently get help with childcare costs you will need to add this cost on top too (unless you reduce income through voluntary pension contributions which would make sense anyway on 62% marginal tax rate). You have to decide if the flexibility you currently have and extra time with your daughter is worth £13K -£15k ish per year in your pocket and some extra personal pension.

Just do it.

8:30 to 6 pm is a normal time in many countries and children grow up just fine. That’s an amazing wage that will provide your child with many opportunities.

Congratulations on the job offer, OP.

My children have been in nursery from 8:30am to 6:00pm every day since they were much younger than three. It's genuinely fine. If anything it's easier at this age than later on when they might want to do after school clubs and so on.

Mumsnet is full of posters with "concerned faces" who will tell you that that is a "very long day" for a three year old, but the reality is that millions of babies and toddlers do this every day and are still perfectly happy, with close and loving relationships with their parents.

I haven't read all responses, but 8.30 - 6 sounds pretty normal to me for childcare. Pre covid I only worked 1 day from home (& none at all 8 years ago) so DC were in childcare from 7.30 to about 6.15, even 6.30 due to my commute. I did end up changing to a 3 day week eventually, but I have 3 kids and DH works full time so financially it didn't impact us hugely.

If you can afford it, could you outsource some jobs such as cleaning & laundry, so your free days are spent with your child as much as possible?

FYI, my eldest was in childcare full-time 5 days a week from 10 months old until starting school, and he's an absolute delight. Has
plenty of friends, hobbies, is polite and helpful, and a straight A student. I don't think longs days in childcare have negatively impacted him at all.

PS Am also an SP and was in similar situation when my DS was about 3.5. I discovered that a male colleague was getting paid 60% more than me for doing the same job. I pushed for equal pay (as per the law) which was a huge rise, but they only gave it to me on condition that I worked 5 days a week like he did, not 4 as I had been doing (all 9-6, all in the office).

It was just about manageable when DS was at nursery but when he went to school, which had much shorter hours, it became very difficult. I had to get a series of after school nannies, which was much harder than you might think, because not many people are willing to work for a few hours a day term time only. COVID, while horrible, in way saved me because working from home became more acceptable.

Please DM me if you want to swap notes.