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Original poster

Is it selfish to take this job?

225 replies

Neapl · 25/04/2025 13:55

I’m a single parent to dd who will be 3 in December. I have been offered a job with a substantial pay rise of 92k. However it means I will need to be in the office by 9 and won’t be able to collect DD from nursery until 6pm. So she would be there from 8:30am to 6pm which feels like forever for such a small child. I can work from home one day a week in this job.

At the moment I work largely from home and can drop her off at 9am and collect her at 5pm. I can also keep on top of things at home as I work from home nearly every day and can sometimes, maybe once or twice a week, collect her at 3pm. But the pay is less (I’m on 70k) and unlikely to get any proper pay rise again at this company.

I feel like she is so small and it is maybe very selfish to take a job that will essentially make me less available for her. I don’t know what to do. Her dad won’t help or do more, he just sees her every Sunday for the day so nothing can change there.

OP posts:
Movinghouseatlast · 25/04/2025 16:04

No, it's not selfish. It's a great opportunity for you and for her. Take the job!

ACynicalDad · 25/04/2025 16:06

Do it.

Sunbeam01 · 25/04/2025 16:07

FunMustard · 25/04/2025 15:02

I would take it, 100%. In my experience and opinion, kids appreciate the experiences with their parents that they can remember, not the drudgery daily stuff that you can but they can't.

Meaning - my children who are now in their teens, don't remember a single thing from when they were three and at nursery, but the child that wasn't at nursery....also doesn't remember anything lol. They have memories like going to the zoo, trips away, events you know. But nursery? No, they don't. The earliest they really remember is pre-school and even then, it's hazy.

They do however remember things from holidays and being able to attend school events when they were a bit older, and by then, you'll be well established and can make allowances round school things.

I hope that makes sense. Women turn themselves inside out when they think about this, I've literally never spoken to a dad who had a single thought about whether it was right for them to only really be about at the weekends. Don't feel guilty. Feel proud you're able to be so successful and build a comfortable life for your daughter.

The first 5 years of a child's life are the most important for development and their future - whether a child can remember these years or not.

This is universally accepted by experts which is why the Dutchess of Cambridge has dedicated so much time to raise awareness.

OP - that's not to say you shouldn't take the job but I wanted to say for balance and that your thoughts are valid.

Comtesse · 25/04/2025 16:10

Take the promotion. The more senior you are the more flexibility you get. Well done, you must be doing brilliantly!

MayaPinion · 25/04/2025 16:11

Take the job. Mine did it at 3 and absolutely loved nursery. They had a great social circle, home cooked meals, naps, etc. and still have friendships from their time there (they’re late teens now). The increase in pay now will not just benefit you now, but it means you will be able to move to even better paid positions more quickly. After a while on your new job you may be able to request more flexible working.

Praying4Peace · 25/04/2025 16:12

Neapl · 25/04/2025 14:22

@randomchap sorry, it’s from 70 to 92 but also has a 15% bonus on top

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Bloody hell, you are earning a massive amount as it is.
Good on you 👍

Blackcordoroys · 25/04/2025 16:12

I’d advertise for an afternoon nanny/ housekeeper for four days pw. Keep your daughter in nursery in the mornings and get a nanny to pick her up and also do some washing and make tea. The nanny could stay in this role all the way through primary school if it works out, with you collecting just on the day you work at home. Would be a handy babysitter too if she was up for it (for extra pay of course)

Rec0veringAcademic · 25/04/2025 16:13

This is a no-brainer to me: take the job. Congratulations, OP!

The difference in nursery hours is very small, the opportunities afforded by the better pay and the bonus will make such a difference to your lives!

Paulettamcgee · 25/04/2025 16:15

I would do it and I did do it. Single parent to 2. They're grown now and normal well adjusted adults who I have a great relationship with. I second the posters who say it gets more difficult at school, and I'd say secondary school is more tricky than primary as they don't go to after school club and you NEED to be all over what they're doing. But by that time, you're likely to have climbed the seniority which gives you the flexibility.

Earning well gave me and my kids opportunities. I'm a home owner and I needed the effective income of two people to do that. I have savings and was able to save for my children. My career has progressed well, I have a pension (although no way big enough) and I've shown my children the world, something they've continued to explore as adults.

I love hearing about high earning women. We're securing our financial future and role modelling for our children.

I would say though my house was a shit tip when the kids were younger. I could be a great parent and great employee but managing my house as well was unfortunately just a step too far!

My advice is to take the job.

Gymly · 25/04/2025 16:15

I think the extra time at nursery is ok, but when she goes to school I would look at getting a nanny or something for after school wraparound and holiday cover. Breakfast club, full day of school, last out at after school club every day plus full days of clubs in the hols are quite a tough gig at 4 or 5. A nanny, like nursery, is a bit gentler.

Atarin · 25/04/2025 16:15

She’s going to be going to school soon, so won’t be able to lie in! Plenty of children do those hours, after the core hours it’s all play so it’s not such a long day. It’s not like they’re going to sleep at home, they will still be awake and doing things in those hours whether they’re in a club or at home.

I would take the job, it will afford you some great holidays, you can get a cleaner, have a decent pension. You could also afford better school holiday clubs. Would you be able to get a childminder to do pick ups from school, they might even be able to prep dinner

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 25/04/2025 16:20

I’d take it. I voted the wrong way as well I got confused.

SwayzeM · 25/04/2025 16:20

The gross salary isn't the full picture when weighing up the pros and cons. Nor is looking at the current nursery hours versus the extra hour and a half you would need. There are lots of questions to consider, including both yours snd your child's wellbeing.
On paper it sounds like a big raise, but when you calculate it as take home pay I estimate it at about £245 per week. Will you have extra childcare costs, because that would make the net increase less. Same of you need to buy in help round the house.
What is your leave like compared to your current job and how do they accommodate you if your child is ill?
What arrangements will be available once your child starts school and how do the costs compare then between your current hours and the longer hours for your new job?
What will your work/life balance look like? Does the new job have a good reputation re work/life balance or is there a culture of unpaid overtime or rapid staff turnover.

Higglepigglewiggle · 25/04/2025 16:24

I’d do it! Congratulations on the job!
Is her dad around to do any pick ups early? Or you could go for a nanny or childminder if you wanted a more homely feel.

TheHerboriste · 25/04/2025 16:24

HolyStyleFailBatman · 25/04/2025 14:19

I would take the money and hire a childminder who will mind your child in the home, and a cleaner.

This. Be creative.

Didimum · 25/04/2025 16:29

Neapl · 25/04/2025 14:22

@randomchap sorry, it’s from 70 to 92 but also has a 15% bonus on top

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I don't think the take-home extra is worth it for the impact, OP.

Didimum · 25/04/2025 16:32

OopsyDaisie · 25/04/2025 15:02

I dobt think she gets child benefit anyway? It stops at £60k?
What you can loose @Neapl is the tax-free childcare due to the 15% bonus on top of the £92k (which will put you over the £100k threshold).

Edited
Show quote history

No, she won't lose TFC – her pension contributions will take her under 100k

BobbyBiscuits · 25/04/2025 16:35

One hour extra per day isn't that bad really? She may well barely notice the difference. I'm sure when kids are enjoying playing etc they always seem to want to spend longer doing it!

If it's giving you a massive pay rise then you can afford to take her nice places or help her out when she's a young adult. Once she's in school she'll have hobbies etc and at secondary she'll be with her pals after school.
You'll be able to take her places on weekends and holidays.

Her dad should be contributing more though, and spending more time with her? What's his reasoning for only seeing her a couple hours a week?

Didimum · 25/04/2025 16:35

For those suggesting a nanny, that would be a very difficult thing to afford on a sole-income salary of £92k. You're looking at £42k a year salary for a full time nanny / £3,900 a month.

An awful lot of people also suggesting will will lose TFC, OP – not the case, as it's your net adjusted income which it seems most people don't realise.

Supporthelittleguys · 25/04/2025 16:35

If you were a SAHM and considering these long days at nursery maybe you’d have a point, but she’s already in full time so it’s literally 1 hour a day. Plus presumably this will
help you afford to out source more to spend your free time together.

BountifulPantry · 25/04/2025 16:36

It might be a long day for her now but trust me when she can go to uni and buy a house without financial worries she will be so so grateful that you have worked hard for her.

Clairesp85 · 25/04/2025 16:36

Congratulations on your job offer! It's not selfish at all to want to progress in your career and create a better future for you and your daughter.

Bestfadeplans · 25/04/2025 16:37

Going against the grain here, but I wouldn't take it. I think its a very long day for a small child, I presume she'll be in nursery 4 days a week? I dont think 70k to 92k is that massive, after tax.They are only little once and it really does go so so quickly. My daughters 16 and I wish I could get those younger years back.

However only you know what that wage increase means to you and what the sacrifice/pay off will be :)

Didimum · 25/04/2025 16:37

Supporthelittleguys · 25/04/2025 16:35

If you were a SAHM and considering these long days at nursery maybe you’d have a point, but she’s already in full time so it’s literally 1 hour a day. Plus presumably this will
help you afford to out source more to spend your free time together.

Not when she collects at 3pm twice a week

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 25/04/2025 16:38

Go for it. Use the extra money to pay for a cleaner which will reduce your load at home. You’re on your own so need to maximise your earnings and it’s only really an extra 90 mins a day