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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend has invited herself on holiday with me. WWYD?

325 replies

OrtsandNoughts · 25/04/2025 09:02

I am going on holiday on my own in August. This is a very precious time for me as I am a full time unpaid carer for my son, who has complex needs and my father who has dementia. Day to day life is completely devoted to their needs 24/7. I have no time to myself. I have managed to arrange respite for them both and have booked 5 days in Portugal. This will be my first solo holiday for a long time and I’m so excited!
I know Portugal well,I lived there for 10 years and have taken my son and father on holiday there for many years. Except with them it’s not a holiday for me, as the caring responsibilities continue wherever we are.
But this August, I will be on my own. Free, unburdened, with no one to worry about. I am so looking forward to it!
I have a good friend who is also a carer for her daughter who has complex needs. She is married and has lots of family support (I have none) She goes on holiday often as a family or just her and her husband as she has family to look after her daughter. My friend knows my situation and understands the pressures of caring as we talk about it often. She also knows I am going on holiday on my own and that I enjoy travelling solo.
My friend has now invited herself and her daughter along. She offered to drive me to the airport and then said they might as well come on holiday with me too! She is asked about where I’m staying, and when I said it was an expensive hotel (to put her off) she said she’d find something cheaper nearby and then sent me a photo of somewhere she’s going to book!
AIBU to not want to go on holiday with her and her daughter? AIBU to not want to be responsible for someone else on my precious holiday? How do I tell her I don’t want them to tag along without ruining the friendship? WWYD?

OP posts:
EweCee · 25/04/2025 09:05

You need to be very firm and clear. Perhaps along of the lines of '... a joint holiday another time is maybe something we can look into but this August I need to be alone and cannot spend time with you or anyone else on my holiday. This is for my mental health and wellbeing.'

helpfulperson · 25/04/2025 09:05

You need to say that you are going on this holiday to recharge alone so wont be available for any meet ups. She doesnt sound like type of person who will take a hint.

Magnastorm · 25/04/2025 09:06

You just need to be honest. Don't lie or make up excuses as she'll just work around them.

"Hi xx, I'm sorry but I was just really looking forward to some time by myself so I'd rather you didn't tag alone on my holiday".

StarTwirl · 25/04/2025 09:06

if she refuses to accept you need to be on holiday alone then Just lie and say your staying in completely different town and hotel that you’ll be staying at

then just say they moved you at the last minute if she does turn up and you’re not there and keeps pestering you

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 25/04/2025 09:07

If she comes on holiday with you you will be so resentful the friendship is over anyway.

you need to tell her straight she can’t come.

Fraaances · 25/04/2025 09:07

Oh fuuuuck, I’d hate that. I think you need to establish boundaries asap, or tell her you intend to have a brief, torrid affair - or several, and won’t be available to socialize with her and her DD.

HumphreyCobblers · 25/04/2025 09:07

You have to use your words clearly. Absolutely no ambiguity.

"That won't work for me this time, I am planning a solo holiday to recharge."

You need to have this unspoilt!

Goldengirl123 · 25/04/2025 09:08

Definitely put a stop to this. When I was reading your post I thought you just meant your friend. It’s unfair on you for her to take her daughter too as you need to rest. It’s a very difficult situation for you but you just have to be firm

SoOxon · 25/04/2025 09:08

surely it will not have been you who ruined the friendship?

it’s polite to wait until you’re asked

you booked a solo holiday why would she muscle in, how infuriating,
and with tagalong daughter??

ride to the airport to close by hotel in Portugal is some leap!

speak up now don’t let this fester, book a taxi, have a wonderful holiday

Screamingabdabz · 25/04/2025 09:09

She might think she’s doing you a favour. I think you need to blunt and very clear “sorry friend, but this break is for me to get some time on my own. I don’t want any company and that was my intention all along when I booked it.”

MumbleJumble123 · 25/04/2025 09:09

Just be honest and say you need a few days on your own to rest and recharge.
If you invite yourself on someone else’s holiday then you need to be prepared that they may want to spend most of the time doing their own thing (she should understand if she’s a carer too).
You could always suggest meeting for coffee or dinner one day so it’s clear that the expectation is that you’ll mostly be spending time separately.

BlueRaincoat1 · 25/04/2025 09:09

It will be awkward but you really must just say no if that's what you want.
You can do it by text, perhaps something like the following. It may take her a bit of time to be OK woth it but you aren't being unreasonable.

HI friend, I'm sorry if what I'm going to say is a bit awkward. Thank you for the offer of the lift to the airport for my holiday in August, it was kind of you. However while I obviously love spending time with you, I want to keep the holiday as just something I am doing by myself. I hugely need the break and am really looking to just being alone. I hope you understand this isn't about you or [daughter], it is just what I need at the moment. Sorry for not being clearer sooner, and I will of course make my own way to the airport. I hope this is OK and you know how much I value our friendship. Thanks for understanding, I hope we can catch up soon.

CrownCoats · 25/04/2025 09:10

You need to tell her no quickly before she books it!

just explain what you’ve explained here. She will surely understand your circumstances and your reasons. Don’t delay!

TheSlantedOwl · 25/04/2025 09:10

You have to be very, very clear:

”I really value our friendship but this holiday is for me to recharge through complete alone time. So I won’t be available while I’m away.”

PerfectlyNormalOwlFreeMorning · 25/04/2025 09:11

She is doing it because she thinks it is sad you are alone and that you must want company.

I have this, well meaning people not understanding that I want to be on my own.

Agree with everyone. You will ruin the friendship if you let her come.

Just be clear, you need a break alone. And organise a taxi to the airport.

DaisyChain505 · 25/04/2025 09:11

Jesus do not lie down and say nothing. This solo holiday is clearly very much needed and deserved.

Clesrly say to her that you would love to go away some other time but it’s really important to you to have this break away alone.

You do not need to over explain.

lovemycbf · 25/04/2025 09:11

EweCee · 25/04/2025 09:05

You need to be very firm and clear. Perhaps along of the lines of '... a joint holiday another time is maybe something we can look into but this August I need to be alone and cannot spend time with you or anyone else on my holiday. This is for my mental health and wellbeing.'

Edited

This is perfect

TeenToTwenties · 25/04/2025 09:11

Use your words

Mulledjuice · 25/04/2025 09:12

You could get chat gpt to write a message for you.

Or,
"You are a good friend and I know your understand my situation. This holiday is the one thing I get to do for myself by myself and I am really looking forward to that solitude. It doesn't work for me for you to come along to this one".

CountryQueen · 25/04/2025 09:12

StarTwirl · 25/04/2025 09:06

if she refuses to accept you need to be on holiday alone then Just lie and say your staying in completely different town and hotel that you’ll be staying at

then just say they moved you at the last minute if she does turn up and you’re not there and keeps pestering you

Don’t do any of this. She will be there on the flight, at the airport and would likely move her accommodation.

Just message her and say “Please don’t book anything for Portugal. I really need to be completely alone for this trip to get some rest and recharge my batteries. Hope you understand and we can arrange something together for next year maybe?”

PerfectlyNormalOwlFreeMorning · 25/04/2025 09:12

Don't apologise too much. It isn't you that has caused this issue

Mulledjuice · 25/04/2025 09:15

MumbleJumble123 · 25/04/2025 09:09

Just be honest and say you need a few days on your own to rest and recharge.
If you invite yourself on someone else’s holiday then you need to be prepared that they may want to spend most of the time doing their own thing (she should understand if she’s a carer too).
You could always suggest meeting for coffee or dinner one day so it’s clear that the expectation is that you’ll mostly be spending time separately.

No!! They see each other plenty. If OP lets her book without expressing herself she'll be tense for the whole holiday.

@OrtsandNoughts I suspect you are so used to putting other people first that you're out of practice at saying what you want/telling other people that what they're proposing doesn't work for you, so thinking of saying it feels a bit scary and alien.

If she is a good friend, when you tell her she will understand/accept your wishes.

BlondiePortz · 25/04/2025 09:15

EweCee · 25/04/2025 09:05

You need to be very firm and clear. Perhaps along of the lines of '... a joint holiday another time is maybe something we can look into but this August I need to be alone and cannot spend time with you or anyone else on my holiday. This is for my mental health and wellbeing.'

Edited

I would only say this if I wanted to go on holiday with the person, to me no means no

healthybychristmas · 25/04/2025 09:17

And bringing her daughter as well! For God's sake that is absolutely terrible of her. This is your time to have a break and she wants to tag along and bring her own child. I'd be absolutely livid. You must send her a text and say this isn't what you want.

pizzaHeart · 25/04/2025 09:18

EweCee · 25/04/2025 09:05

You need to be very firm and clear. Perhaps along of the lines of '... a joint holiday another time is maybe something we can look into but this August I need to be alone and cannot spend time with you or anyone else on my holiday. This is for my mental health and wellbeing.'

Edited

Send her this ^ message.
And add “thank you for the lift offer, I will get there myself as booked taxi already”.