Friend has invited herself on holiday with me. WWYD?

[OrtsandNoughts]

I am going on holiday on my own in August. This is a very precious time for me as I am a full time unpaid carer for my son, who has complex needs and my father who has dementia. Day to day life is completely devoted to their needs 24/7. I have no time to myself. I have managed to arrange respite for them both and have booked 5 days in Portugal. This will be my first solo holiday for a long time and I’m so excited!
I know Portugal well,I lived there for 10 years and have taken my son and father on holiday there for many years. Except with them it’s not a holiday for me, as the caring responsibilities continue wherever we are.
But this August, I will be on my own. Free, unburdened, with no one to worry about. I am so looking forward to it!
I have a good friend who is also a carer for her daughter who has complex needs. She is married and has lots of family support (I have none) She goes on holiday often as a family or just her and her husband as she has family to look after her daughter. My friend knows my situation and understands the pressures of caring as we talk about it often. She also knows I am going on holiday on my own and that I enjoy travelling solo.
My friend has now invited herself and her daughter along. She offered to drive me to the airport and then said they might as well come on holiday with me too! She is asked about where I’m staying, and when I said it was an expensive hotel (to put her off) she said she’d find something cheaper nearby and then sent me a photo of somewhere she’s going to book!
AIBU to not want to go on holiday with her and her daughter? AIBU to not want to be responsible for someone else on my precious holiday? How do I tell her I don’t want them to tag along without ruining the friendship? WWYD?

Agree with this. People who dont like being on their own simply dont get that others do -they would feel sad being alone so they just assume that everyone else wants company too.

I agree with some of the previous message. eg "thank you for thinking of me, but I really really need this time alone to recharge and take time for myself. Being alone is how I relax and decompress and it's important for my mental health so I wont be bringing anyone along with me on my holiday. If you still decide to go, I hope you have a great time but I will be spending this time to myself for this reason"

If she takes offence at that then that is literally her problem and she's not a good friend- you havent been rude and you have explained why you need time alone. Just because she likes to be with others doesnt mean she gets to enforce that on other people

I bloody hate when people insist “you’ll be lonely” just so they can justify stamping on your boundaries.

I’d send
”hey stomper, if you really want to book that place, do.
however, you know I’ve booked for a solo holiday and this won’t be changing.
i appreciate you as a friend but as a fellow carer you obviously know how precious alone time is.
Portugal is a special place for me and i intend to enjoy it alone.”

this is an excellent response which covers everything succinctly

It's OK, to say no.

How could you not nip this immediately in the bud??
”whoa, Alice, thanks but not this time. I desperately need five days entirely to myself. End of.”

‘No thank you’

I understand this is going to be difficult but you’re going to have to be really blunt here and tell her firmly that it’s a solo holiday.

This! ⬆️ She's been very insensitive.

You can't control where she books her holiday. However, you can be clear that you are going solo and have no intention of meeting up.

Hi friend,

You said that you want to book a Portugal at the same time as me. I intend to spend my time on holiday alone. I won't be meeting up or sharing my holiday with anyone. I'm sure you'll understand, that will my caring responsibility, an opportunity to be alone an decompress is precious. I look forward to catching up with you on my return.

Yes, this. If the word ‘No’ has not actually been said, it’s perfectly possible she thinks she’s doing you a favour! Speak up!

Only a truly horrible selfish person would do this.
Do not pass those details on.
Rethink the friendship.
Tell her you want to be 100% alone.
Unbelievably selfish behaviour from her.

Thanks for the thought but this is one just for me, I need the solitude. Maybe we can look at something together another time?

“Dear friend, I am absolutely desperate to be alone and recharge as my batteries are completely flat. So this is why I have booked my solo holiday. I do hope you both have a lovely time in hotel x but I will not be able to meet up with you at any point. I am sure you, more than anyone, understand!”

Hi Friend,

Obviously it's up to you when/ where you go on holiday, but please don't factor me into any of your plans. I just want to chill out and relax while away, so won't be available for any meet ups etc.

I just wanted to let you know before you book so there are no miss understandings. Speak soon.

My friend has now invited herself and her daughter along. She offered to drive me to the airport and then said they might as well come on holiday with me too!

Her daughter who also has complex needs? She will know that is not a holiday for you. I think she is manipulative and believes you to be a pushover.

She offered to drive me to the airport and then said they might as well come on holiday with me too!

What did you say when she said this?

'Sorry, this holiday is something I'll be doing alone-things are tough for me at the moment and I need space'.

You have to speak up.

yes exactly, with a view to shaing the care, how convenient

Don’t be apologetic. Say that this holiday is a much needed respite that you are looking forward to going on by yourself. She will understand, even if she’s disappointed.

FFS! Anther one. Op - don't be an idiot, pick up the phone now so that there can be no misunderstandings. TELL your friend thanks for the offer of company on your holiday but you really don't want to go with anyone, you want to go on your own. You'll get stuff about doing your own thing and meeting up every now and then but repeat that you planned a holiday on your own, because you need it desperately, and you won't be meeting up with her and her daughter or anyone else. You say that you can't dictate where they have their holiday, but she must not plan on involving you because it won't happen.

No no no ... I'm crap at this sort of thing but even I would have to be very firm and clear that this isn't going to happen.

Shut that down now OP.

How many of these threads have there been recently with CFers inviting themselves along on solo holidays.

I am very grateful for your offer to drive me to the airport. I am flattered that you want to share my holiday. However, I need you to understand how much I am looking forward to getting away from everyone and everything for a few days, so could we plan for another time?

No apologies, no buts.

Has there been a collective loss of backbone today? Between this and the I keep lending my friend money' thread, it seems as if the words 'no' and 'piss off' are no longer in use and we'd rather we were walked all over.

You need to be very clear and firm, if you’re not it could ruin your holiday.

I would text something along the lines of - you’re really happy that she’s also having a holiday but you have booked a solo trip because you want to be alone and be child free. So you won’t be able to spend time with her on the trip but perhaps you could book something with both kids in the future.

I actually wouldn’t care if she fell out with me over it as it sounds like you need this for your mental health.

Obviously you can’t accept a lift to the airport etc unless it benefits her eg you’re paying half the petrol and I would offer to make my own way there because it’s a solo trip.

I personally would tell her that I’m happy to help her in the airport or on the flight if she needs me to but once I’m at the resort I would like to have time by myself to recuperate.

OMG how cheeky is your friend? You need to tell her that you need a completely child-free holiday because, due to having no family support to help with your child, you are very close to burning out and becoming unwell which will impact your ability to care for your child.

Tell her that it's absolutely not personal, but you desperately need this time on your own.

Tell her!
"Friend I love that you want to come with me. But you know i don't get any time to myself, I am really really looking forward to being alone. I love you and love spending time with you and I'm sure you think I'd be lonely but actually I really need to just be by myself for a bit for my own mental health."

She probably thinks it's sad that you're going to be on your own, lots of people can't imagine enjoying going for meals, shows, holidays alone. Just tell her.