Friend has invited herself on holiday with me. WWYD?

[OrtsandNoughts]

I am going on holiday on my own in August. This is a very precious time for me as I am a full time unpaid carer for my son, who has complex needs and my father who has dementia. Day to day life is completely devoted to their needs 24/7. I have no time to myself. I have managed to arrange respite for them both and have booked 5 days in Portugal. This will be my first solo holiday for a long time and I’m so excited!
I know Portugal well,I lived there for 10 years and have taken my son and father on holiday there for many years. Except with them it’s not a holiday for me, as the caring responsibilities continue wherever we are.
But this August, I will be on my own. Free, unburdened, with no one to worry about. I am so looking forward to it!
I have a good friend who is also a carer for her daughter who has complex needs. She is married and has lots of family support (I have none) She goes on holiday often as a family or just her and her husband as she has family to look after her daughter. My friend knows my situation and understands the pressures of caring as we talk about it often. She also knows I am going on holiday on my own and that I enjoy travelling solo.
My friend has now invited herself and her daughter along. She offered to drive me to the airport and then said they might as well come on holiday with me too! She is asked about where I’m staying, and when I said it was an expensive hotel (to put her off) she said she’d find something cheaper nearby and then sent me a photo of somewhere she’s going to book!
AIBU to not want to go on holiday with her and her daughter? AIBU to not want to be responsible for someone else on my precious holiday? How do I tell her I don’t want them to tag along without ruining the friendship? WWYD?

AIBU to not want to go on holiday with her and her daughter? AIBU to not want to be responsible for someone else on my precious holiday?

I am actually really angry on your behalf. Of course you are not being unreasonable to want a solo holiday after all you are doing for others, and badly needing a complete rest and recharge.

Of course you are not being unreasonable to not want to be responsible for another adult's amusement and the obvious role you will take in helping her care for her daughter, or even just putting up with having other people around sucking your energy dry at this time.

You really must listen to yourself and honour your own needs or there will be nothing left of you. Text her something - borrow from your own OP, or from the thread's suggestions - shooting this idea down, very clearly and briefly, now.

For your own sanity and health you need to be clear even if it bordering on being rude. She probably thinks she is doing you a favour.

Some people never do anything on their own and will move heaven and earth to latch on to someone else. Even with small things like going to fitness classes or going shopping. I’d say that’s why she’s doing it, rather than out of concern that you will be alone.
Please be assertive, you have every right to be. Protect your own well-being for yourself and your family. Put on your own oxygen mask before helping others with theirs.

I would just be honest and sooner rather then later.
You need time alone . To re charge and focus solely on yourself.

And make it clear you are looking forward to being alone .
Maybe she thinks you just don't have anyone to go with and thinks she is doing you a favour.
If she is a good friend she will understand.

You need to be polite but firm . You don’t owe this person your time , company or anything . You just message and say that as you know I rarely have anytime for myself so am looking forward to spending my time alone to rest and recharge - hope you understand .
Boundaries- are not rude but don’t do things you don’t want to out of politeness !

No sorry, that doesn’t work for me. I need to be on my own this time. Maybe next time we can go together.

“She offered to drive me to the airport and then said they might as well come on holiday with me too”

No, no, no, no no. Don’t accept the lift: tell her you’re really looking forward to going BY YOURSELF and that you hope she enjoys her holiday with her DD. Even if she were going on holiday by herself, it would be overstepping, but with the DD, massively so. Is this the DD with complex needs? Is she expecting you to help out with her, because if so, it’s hardly going to be any sort of a holiday for you. OP, you will just have to say that this is a much looked forward to, SOLO five days for you, and that much as you like her, you don’t want to spend time away with her. I suppose you can’t rebook somewhere else? Just make sure you don’t give her a single other detail of your holiday, otherwise she’ll be waiting for you at the airport/in the hotel reception/anywhere she thinks you might be. OP, she’s not a friend if she can’t grasp the fact that a holiday for YOU does not involve her and her DD.

Yup! While I might not use your exact words, if a friend did this to me I would be like; "Oh God no, soz but this one is just for me all by my lonesome and I can't wait" or "Get stuffed, I'll send you a postcard" depending on the friend 😄

What I wouldn't do is sit in horrified silence while someone else made decisions about my life/plans!

OP, is she hoping ypu will help out with childcare on the trip?

I suspect the friend is hoping for another adult so she doesn't have to 'solo parent' for the entire holiday.

I had a friend like that, I split up with my daughter's dad when she was a baby, so have pretty much always taken her on holiday just the two of us (these days I also get solo holidays while my daughter is with her dad). This friend wasn't a massively close friend, and she struggled with her son on her own and kept suggesting they join us on holiday! In the end I had to be blunt with her, she wasn't particularly happy, but my peaceful holidays are too important to me to be too bothered.

You are just going to have to be firm and say no.

I'm sorry but you are being unreasonable to not just TELL her!

Open your mouth and say thanks for the offer, but you need this break alone. Don't pussy-foot around it, be firm and clear, no I don't want you there, no I don't want you to just be in the background and we'll catch up periodically.

I like someone else's recommendation of saying that a joint holiday might be possible another time, but not now.

Be brave.

What’s the betting she’d decide to have a night out or something, and the OP is expected to be the carer.

Hurry up and tell her that you want this to be a solo holiday. Don't hint, be clear, there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting time to yourself but if you've not said so, how is she to know? Just get on and tell her now.

@OrtsandNoughts “I’d love for you and me to go away another time, but this is my first solo trip in years and I really want it to be ‘just me’ so I can switch off from others and decompress, I really need this alone time. I don’t want to upset you or hurt your feelings, but please can you and your daughter make your own arrangements elsewhere this time? I hope you can understand.”

"hey friend, I feel awkward saying this but I need to be honest about this holiday. Although I love your company and would love to holiday with you as a family another time, this week alone was planned as a solo respite trip for me. As you know, I have no support network at home and all my family holidays are spent continuing my unrelenting caring duties. I have specifically arranged respite for my DC so that I am able to use this time for my mental health, to recharge and to be free of all responsibilies, and to do things on my own time just for me. I absolutely need this time to myself and value this precious time to be alone. and I'm sorry this means I won't be available this time to spend time with you and your daughter and I hope you understand. "

"Sorry friend but I plan to spend my holiday alone to do the things I want to do at my own pace. As you are aware caring for others 24/7 is very demanding and for this 1 week I intend to just care for myself, so I won't be available for any meet-ups you may have planned for us whilst on holiday. I hope you have a good time and we can swap holiday stories when we next meet up at home"

Honestly, all the stuff about your friend having plenty of holidays and family support is irrelevant, because even if she didn't, you still shouldn't be bloody obliged to have her muscling in on your holiday.

I do think think you need to be really, really clear with her and say "I'm really sorry but I'm absolutely dead set on having these five days to myself, completely alone. It's not that I don't like your company but being alone was the whole reason I booked the trip for myself - it's for my mental health and a chance to reset my batteries, no responsibilities and no socialising, just me and my book in the sunshine! I hope you understand, you're a brilliant friend but it's really important for me to have these days alone."

Straight up honesty and a big word NO.
NO, please don’t book that holiday. I have really been looking forward to some alone time for months now. I do not want any company in Portugal, and I don’t want anyone I know to be around me for that time.

A shared holiday on another occasion would be lovely - let’s try to work something out - but for this one, NO, please.

Though she should only say this if she WOULD love to go away with her another time. I have friends I love going away with, and some I really wouldn't enjoy going away with.

"Ah no, sorry - the whole point of the holiday is to be blissfully alone! Lots of love, Orts."

Come on, you know what will happen if they tag along. It will be, "Oh, I need to pop out. Can you "just" watch dd for me....?"
Do NOT allow this. Please.

Reply quickly to stop this OP. It will get a lot more awkward once she's actually booked something.

I think this is a very good message to send her. If she is a good friend she will understand. She might not have even realised that you wanted to be alone.

Just tell her that you are at breaking point and you need this time on your own to recharge and that you don't want to be with anyone. Tell her that you have been looking forward to this time away on your own, and that it's the only thing that's been keeping you going. Tell her that you are sure that if anyone will understand this, it's her.

Some people think that other people only do stuff alone becuase they have noone to do it with. They can't fathom the idea that you actually like to be alone and feel sorry for you doing stuff alone and try to 'be there' for you and make things group activities and really think they are being the best type of friend for doing so. It could be that she thinks like this. You have to be really clear that you actually want to be alone. I have this with my sister, she absolutely hates spending time alone even for a second and can't for one minute imagine that I want to do stuff alone. And even does the sorry for you face if l say I am doing something by myself as for her doing something alone is the worst thing in the world.