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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend has invited herself on holiday with me. WWYD?

325 replies

OrtsandNoughts · 25/04/2025 09:02

I am going on holiday on my own in August. This is a very precious time for me as I am a full time unpaid carer for my son, who has complex needs and my father who has dementia. Day to day life is completely devoted to their needs 24/7. I have no time to myself. I have managed to arrange respite for them both and have booked 5 days in Portugal. This will be my first solo holiday for a long time and I’m so excited!
I know Portugal well,I lived there for 10 years and have taken my son and father on holiday there for many years. Except with them it’s not a holiday for me, as the caring responsibilities continue wherever we are.
But this August, I will be on my own. Free, unburdened, with no one to worry about. I am so looking forward to it!
I have a good friend who is also a carer for her daughter who has complex needs. She is married and has lots of family support (I have none) She goes on holiday often as a family or just her and her husband as she has family to look after her daughter. My friend knows my situation and understands the pressures of caring as we talk about it often. She also knows I am going on holiday on my own and that I enjoy travelling solo.
My friend has now invited herself and her daughter along. She offered to drive me to the airport and then said they might as well come on holiday with me too! She is asked about where I’m staying, and when I said it was an expensive hotel (to put her off) she said she’d find something cheaper nearby and then sent me a photo of somewhere she’s going to book!
AIBU to not want to go on holiday with her and her daughter? AIBU to not want to be responsible for someone else on my precious holiday? How do I tell her I don’t want them to tag along without ruining the friendship? WWYD?

OP posts:
rainbowsparkle28 · 27/04/2025 03:34

She only invites herself if you allow her to. Boundaries are your friend. Put very clear boundaries in that you will be going on holiday, and will not be going with her, as per the suggested message above you could send (but only including the part about a holiday another time if that is genuinely the case). Any mention of the holiday either don’t engage or make it very clear you have no plans to spend this with them. And do not give any information as to flights/hotel etc. that could be used to chase you down.

USaYwHatNow · 27/04/2025 04:47

I had this but on a lesser level (spa day from 8am-10pm). Both a friend and then my mum were dropping hints or being outright open about coming with me.

In the end, the hidden hinting was winding me up so I just came out with it, explaining my need to be alone and they were both fine with it and me.

LushLemonTart · 27/04/2025 06:18

That's fantastic and thank you for taking the time to update. Have an amazing holiday.

Pandalott · 27/04/2025 07:42

thebluerose · 27/04/2025 02:07

Yes, and they can also forget it is completely unnecessary to quote the OP's first post.

Show quote history

Why is it unnecessary for them to reply to the woman's first post?

ThisRedLion · 27/04/2025 08:41

Listen just tell her no your not being funny and you really value your friendship but you need some me time you don't want or need a companion at this time it's important for you to get this much needed time and space if she's a good friend she will instantly back off you have to stand firm xxx

MounjarNo · 27/04/2025 08:56

Pandalott · 27/04/2025 07:42

Why is it unnecessary for them to reply to the woman's first post?

Show quote history

It's not unnecessary to reply, but it is unnecessary to quote the whole post.

NormasArse · 27/04/2025 11:27

TheSlantedOwl · 25/04/2025 09:10

You have to be very, very clear:

”I really value our friendship but this holiday is for me to recharge through complete alone time. So I won’t be available while I’m away.”

Edited

This is perfect.

BrightLeader · 27/04/2025 11:35

Please insist you go on your own

CustardySergeant · 27/04/2025 11:41

She has. This was all resolved amicably on Friday if you read the update from the OP.

Pandalott · 27/04/2025 12:51

MounjarNo · 27/04/2025 08:56

It's not unnecessary to reply, but it is unnecessary to quote the whole post.

Show quote history

I quote the post because the past few times I have tried to reply it hasn't let me but it always let's me quote maybe some people have the same issue

ProudMaker · 27/04/2025 13:28

EweCee · 25/04/2025 09:05

You need to be very firm and clear. Perhaps along of the lines of '... a joint holiday another time is maybe something we can look into but this August I need to be alone and cannot spend time with you or anyone else on my holiday. This is for my mental health and wellbeing.'

Edited

Absolutely right, be firm, but give her something to look forward to the future.

CustardySergeant · 27/04/2025 13:29

ProudMaker · 27/04/2025 13:28

Absolutely right, be firm, but give her something to look forward to the future.

Show quote history

This was amicably resolved on Friday. Please read the posts from the OP.

Daisyhon · 27/04/2025 13:47

If you tell her , it will probably damage the friendship . You either have to be honest with her , tell her you need time to yourself to unwind . Or else you could not say anything & just make sure u are busy & on excursions whenever she comes looking !

MounjarNo · 27/04/2025 14:04

Daisyhon · 27/04/2025 13:47

If you tell her , it will probably damage the friendship . You either have to be honest with her , tell her you need time to yourself to unwind . Or else you could not say anything & just make sure u are busy & on excursions whenever she comes looking !

But OP has told her.

The friendship is fine.

OP doesn't need to be "busy" or go on excursions that she doesn't want to do in the first place . Nobody will be looking for her.

T1Dmama · 27/04/2025 14:15

Amazing. Have a lovely break. Caring is so hard, you deserve this holiday and more x

ChaToilLeam · 27/04/2025 14:25

Brava OP! Have a wonderful break.

EggandStress · 27/04/2025 14:54

Well done @OrtsandNoughtsI hope you have a lovely and well deserved break when it comes.

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/04/2025 06:28

WorkItUpYourBangle · 26/04/2025 19:40

What are you on about? The people looking updates aren't the ones posting. There's 11 pages of this thread. If you're on mobile you can't see updates unless you scroll through every single comment looking for the green parts.

Show quote history

Or you can click all op or next or something like that

BrightLeader · 28/04/2025 06:59

Seriously !! Does it really matter if people still continue to comment even when the OP has answered.

Sunsweetsandandicecream · 28/04/2025 10:14

OrtsandNoughts · 25/04/2025 17:18

Hello lovely Mumsnetters. Thank you all for your care and concern for my predicament. I feel both seen and supported by you all 🥰
So,I visited my friend this afternoon. I wanted to do things face to face as sometimes text messages can lack the genuine emotion behind the words or be misconstrued. I said exactly how I felt, weaving in lots of the comments that you all offered. I was bold and stated that I didn’t want her to come on holiday with me. I didn’t want to be ambiguous and let her think that it was ok to come and just meet up occasionally. I said that I wanted to go on my own with no responsibilities to anyone.
My friend understood and said she had thought I might prefer to go on my own. She also said she had decided today not to go as she thought August in Portugal would be too hot (I did drop that in the conversation on the phone last night)
So it’s all resolved. I get my solo holiday and our friendship survived. Plus , I have the warm fuzzy feeling that lots of kind hearted Mumsnetters are on my side, wishing me well and I will remember this when I’m on holiday in August. Thank you all 😎

Have a lovely holiday op! 😎

Ilikeadrink14 · 28/04/2025 19:12

Inthetyreshop · 26/04/2025 06:12

Why not let them come but only spend one or two evenings with them?

The op has been through all that! Didn’t you bother to rea£ the rest of the post before commenting?
It’s a definite NO! What were you thinking?

ilovemyhamster · 28/04/2025 21:25

Well done OP. Have a wonderful holiday when you go ☺️

Daisyhon · 04/05/2025 12:52

MounjarNo · 27/04/2025 14:04

But OP has told her.

The friendship is fine.

OP doesn't need to be "busy" or go on excursions that she doesn't want to do in the first place . Nobody will be looking for her.

Show quote history

Ok great , she now has told her .& the friend is ok with it ( a lot of people wouldn’t have been ) . I was only making a light hearted joke at the end so there is absolutely no need to be snooty about it hun x

worriedmum7777 · 04/05/2025 14:10

Great outcome, OP. Enjoy your holiday.

thismummydrinksgin · 09/05/2025 18:15

Well done, not easy x

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