Friend has invited herself on holiday with me. WWYD?

[OrtsandNoughts]

I am going on holiday on my own in August. This is a very precious time for me as I am a full time unpaid carer for my son, who has complex needs and my father who has dementia. Day to day life is completely devoted to their needs 24/7. I have no time to myself. I have managed to arrange respite for them both and have booked 5 days in Portugal. This will be my first solo holiday for a long time and I’m so excited!
I know Portugal well,I lived there for 10 years and have taken my son and father on holiday there for many years. Except with them it’s not a holiday for me, as the caring responsibilities continue wherever we are.
But this August, I will be on my own. Free, unburdened, with no one to worry about. I am so looking forward to it!
I have a good friend who is also a carer for her daughter who has complex needs. She is married and has lots of family support (I have none) She goes on holiday often as a family or just her and her husband as she has family to look after her daughter. My friend knows my situation and understands the pressures of caring as we talk about it often. She also knows I am going on holiday on my own and that I enjoy travelling solo.
My friend has now invited herself and her daughter along. She offered to drive me to the airport and then said they might as well come on holiday with me too! She is asked about where I’m staying, and when I said it was an expensive hotel (to put her off) she said she’d find something cheaper nearby and then sent me a photo of somewhere she’s going to book!
AIBU to not want to go on holiday with her and her daughter? AIBU to not want to be responsible for someone else on my precious holiday? How do I tell her I don’t want them to tag along without ruining the friendship? WWYD?

There are far too many people that 'don't do confrontation', with the consequence that they get walked over.

Two choices - keep quiet and have a miserable time caring for someone else's child
Speak up and have your own holiday

You need to be very direct with her.

Thank you for your very kind offer of a lift to the airport and to join me, but this trip is a much needed solo journey. I’m good to make my own way to the airport too. Thank you though, I appreciate the thoughtfulness of your offer.

some people cannot fathom that other people want to do things alone. So just tell her no. You don't have to be mean but if she's a good friend and you point out that this time alone is precious and you don't want to see or be with anyone else, she will understand. and if she doesn't, she's not a good friend.

Explain to her as you have to us. Say no offence, but I am craving SOLITUDE, not a holiday with friends. Text her if you're uncomfortable saying it to her face. Do it NOW before she books it!

Christ on a bike what’s wrong with people?
TELL HER you need a solo holiday and that’s it.
Don’t apologise.
I am sorry but I think she’s a CF for suggesting it.
I despair of some people.
She knows you need that holiday.

@OrtsandNoughts you have to deal with this asap . There is no time to waste .
I’d say to friend you don’t want to holiday with anyone else .
Nothing personal but you only what to have you to think about not other adults or kids.
If she is going away would see mind booking somewhere different or if she goes away knowing you won’t be planning any meet ups .

If I’m going away without my own DC, why on earth would I want to go with other people’s ??

The friend needs telling, probably quite directly so there is zero room for misunderstandings, that this is a break for you to be totally on your own doing what you want when you want.

Agree with pp you need to be firm you are going alone don't be drawn into long back and forths. I cared for a parent with dementia until they passed away recently and continue to be unpaid carer for my dc who has additional needs so I can fully relate how much you need the break and if I ever got the opportunity to do the same wouldn't let trying to be polite ruin it. Enjoy your well deserved break xx

This is the time where advocating for yourself is non negotiable.

Definitely put a stop to this asap.

”between caring full time for Ds and Ddad I really need this break for myself. I won’t be available to meet up during the holiday as I really need to just be by myself to recharge for my own well-being as I’m feeling quite burnt out recently. Would be lovely to look into a group trip for another occasion though, but august I’ll be needing to be alone.”

As above. People who invite themselves to stuff definitely don't take hints ime.
Tell her politely, but straight.
"Jean, this holiday is just for me, alone, I don't want company".

I agree with some of the previous message. eg "thank you for thinking of me, but I really really need this time alone to recharge and take time for myself. Being alone is how I relax and decompress and it's important for my mental health so I wont be bringing anyone along with me on my holiday. If you still decide to go, I hope you have a great time but I will be spending this time to myself for this reason"

If she takes offence at that then that is literally her problem and she's not a good friend- you havent been rude and you have explained why you need time alone. Just because she likes to be with others doesnt mean she gets to enforce that on other people

This. Be honest, be kind and make sure you do it promptly. And if she takes offence, well - she caused the problem.

So many people think it's fine to be rude, presumptuous and inconsiderate, but if you push back, you end up being the guilty party.

At first I thought maybe she was genuinely just being a friend and thinking the two of you could unwind together (just misjudged not realised how much you want to be on your own), but when you said bringing her daughter …. yeah that’s changes it as you’d obviously end up getting involved somehow in the caring element. Not cool of her.

Some of the responses on here do seem a bit harsh and would likely offend her (whether you care about that or not is of course your prerogative!) but some of the kinder ones would absolutely be appropriate, just to explain that you really do want to be alone, but thanks for thinking about you and whether you wanted company.

You can't stop her going to the same location as you at the same time, but you're not responsible for her in any way. I'd say something like:

"Yes, it's a lovely area. I won't be around much for you and DD though as I'm planning to use the downtime alone to rest. Hope you have a nice time."

You need to tell her no.

My friend knows my situation and understands the pressures of caring as we talk about it often. She also knows I am going on holiday on my own and that I enjoy travelling solo.

And yet..

My friend has now invited herself and her daughter along..

I just DO NOT understand how so many people on MN apparently get themselves railroaded into these farcical situations without speaking up before things get out of hand. Whether it's hijacking someone's week of volunteering at the Hay Literary Festival, or some cheeky mate getting you to pay for unnecessary purchases and coffees on shopping trips and not contributing to shared takeaway meals, always saying they'll pay you back but never doing it. FFS, what is the matter with you all?

Did the conversation not go like this? 'I've booked myself a little holiday. I am so looking forward to five days or proper respite with no caring duties and being completely alone to do as I please.'

Because that's how you've set the scene for us, so why isn't it how you set the scene for her - this friend who apparently knows exactly how much you need a break and how you enjoy travelling alone? What on earth did you say (or not say) that gave her the idea that her tagging along with her disabled DD would be even remotely welcomed, on your rare week of respite?

Why are so many people seemingly incapable of saying 'That's a nice idea but it doesn't really work for me because XYZ, so sorry, but no.' Is it really that hard?

I honestly don't know anyone in real life who would lack even the basic, entry level of assertiveness to deal with things like this without needing to resort to being rude or upsetting someone. And I don't know anyone cheeky enough to take advantage of that, or stupid or thick skinned enough to not get the hint when hinted at. Reading MN it sometimes feel like I inhabit a parallel universe to the one some of you live in.

I'd say something like this. If she then talks about getting together or whatever, you can explain honestly (again!) that you need this holiday time for just you. Done face to face or by phone, and in an open and kind way, and if she's a genuine friend, it shouldn't cause problems.

@EweCee's message is spot-on, @OrtsandNoughts.

Your friend is being a complete cheeky fucker, and you need to be polite but firm with her.

I’d not be afraid to say no sorry I need this time alone.

You need to shut this down quickly OP before your friend books hotels or flights. Get yourself a taxi booked for the airport and enjoy your holiday alone.

As most have said, you need to say something like:

’obviously I can’t stop you going on holiday where ever you want but I am not going to be around. I need this time for my mental health. I’ll be switching my phone off except for emergency calls from (insert respite carers name) and just spending time on my own. I know you’ll understand’.

No apologies or further explanation required.

Why are so many people seemingly incapable of saying 'That's a nice idea but it doesn't really work for me because XYZ, so sorry, but no.' Is it really that hard?

@TwoSwannits its because we're British

Be as clear as you’ve been in your post! ‘I love that you want to spend holiday time with me but please understand that I really need these five days to myself, to totally decompress and relax as much as possible. Having you nearby would ordinarily be really fun but I won’t be up for doing anything apart from read and sleep, sorry. Can we plan a night out together instead?’

And everyone who says she’s being very inconsiderate by not even asking you how you feel about her tagging along is spot on!

Dear god. She wants to bring her daughter? So the holiday will revolve around her child. This is completely inappropriate.

Do not apologise. Just tell her no. You are going alone.