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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend has invited herself on holiday with me. WWYD?

325 replies

OrtsandNoughts · 25/04/2025 09:02

I am going on holiday on my own in August. This is a very precious time for me as I am a full time unpaid carer for my son, who has complex needs and my father who has dementia. Day to day life is completely devoted to their needs 24/7. I have no time to myself. I have managed to arrange respite for them both and have booked 5 days in Portugal. This will be my first solo holiday for a long time and I’m so excited!
I know Portugal well,I lived there for 10 years and have taken my son and father on holiday there for many years. Except with them it’s not a holiday for me, as the caring responsibilities continue wherever we are.
But this August, I will be on my own. Free, unburdened, with no one to worry about. I am so looking forward to it!
I have a good friend who is also a carer for her daughter who has complex needs. She is married and has lots of family support (I have none) She goes on holiday often as a family or just her and her husband as she has family to look after her daughter. My friend knows my situation and understands the pressures of caring as we talk about it often. She also knows I am going on holiday on my own and that I enjoy travelling solo.
My friend has now invited herself and her daughter along. She offered to drive me to the airport and then said they might as well come on holiday with me too! She is asked about where I’m staying, and when I said it was an expensive hotel (to put her off) she said she’d find something cheaper nearby and then sent me a photo of somewhere she’s going to book!
AIBU to not want to go on holiday with her and her daughter? AIBU to not want to be responsible for someone else on my precious holiday? How do I tell her I don’t want them to tag along without ruining the friendship? WWYD?

OP posts:
AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 25/04/2025 11:42

“I know you mean well, but I really want (and need) to be on my own on this trip to recharge and not have to think about anybody else. I need you to respect this, please. Should you book to be there at the same time, I will not be available to meet up at any time.”

Polite. Direct. No chance of misinterpretation.

Hankunamatata · 25/04/2025 11:44

You missed your chnace by saying a direct 'i want to have a holiday alone'

Can you change your flight/booking without any cost?

thebluerose · 25/04/2025 11:45

She hasn't missed her chance. There is no timeline for the correct moment to respond to an outrageous suggestion.

HonoraBridge · 25/04/2025 11:46

Please be assertive and tell her that you need this time alone. State how you feel clearly and politely but very, very firmly. Good luck.

LAMPS1 · 25/04/2025 11:46

‘I love our friendship so it’s hard for me to tell you this but I want to be clear so that there aren’t any misunderstandings between us. I booked my solo holiday deliberately for a break away with the absolute absence of any reminders about my caring duties. And it’s really important for my own well-being as well as for my ability to recharge enough to carry on again when I get home, that I keep that as my mission and make it as successful for myself as possible. So I’m sorry to disappoint you this time but I hope that one day, things will work out so that you and I might be able to enjoy a fun break away together. For now I just need to be on my own. If you prefer not to drive me to the airport, I do understand. Sorry again, not to have been clearer when you first mentioned it. Thanks dear friend.’

thismummydrinksgin · 25/04/2025 11:46

So if your together the your going to end up caring for the Daughter too by default , I don’t think you have a choice but to say no. You could soften it by saying maybe we could arrange something for later in the summer with the kids.

MiniCooperLover · 25/04/2025 11:47

She has spotted the opportunity of crashing your holiday and then at some point she'll suggest sharing the care of her daughter so you are 50/50 getting a rest. Absolutely not, you have to put your foot down immediately.

I'm going on holiday on my own in June for 5 nights. I have no issues with children needing extra care at home but my time is precious and no-one gets to tell me how I spend it, that's my decision if I want company or not, same as it should be for you.

HorrorFan81 · 25/04/2025 11:47

You've had some great suggestions for responses on this thread. Send something clear and unambiguous asap. I feel quite stressed for you! Hopefully she will understand but if not, that's really not your problem

justkeepswimingswiming · 25/04/2025 11:47

You need to tell her today just say along the lines of “sorry x I think we must of got our wires crossed somewhere, I’m having this holiday as a solo holiday to recharge. I’m sure you understand. No worries about the lift to the airport I’ve sorted something else. We’ll catch up when I’m home from my holidays.”

thebluerose · 25/04/2025 11:50

justkeepswimingswiming · 25/04/2025 11:47

You need to tell her today just say along the lines of “sorry x I think we must of got our wires crossed somewhere, I’m having this holiday as a solo holiday to recharge. I’m sure you understand. No worries about the lift to the airport I’ve sorted something else. We’ll catch up when I’m home from my holidays.”

I like that because it is lowkey and calm and still closes every door.

rosemarble · 25/04/2025 11:50

She offered to drive me to the airport and then said they might as well come on holiday with me too!

Who does that?

Sunsweetsandandicecream · 25/04/2025 11:50

Forgot to say, maybe this is some misguided attempt by your friend to keep you company/being a good friend. To some people, going alone would be lonely.
You need to send a message to make it clear that you're really happy to be doing it solo, as are in great need of time to yourself.

ThejoyofNC · 25/04/2025 11:51

Plenty of examples on here so I won't bother to write out another one. Just send a clear message.

OoooopsUpsideYourHead · 25/04/2025 11:55

I feel like I've read almost this exact same post before?

Either way, as others have said, you need to tell her you're looking forward to a solo holiday and stick to it.

MassiveWordSalad · 25/04/2025 11:59

YANBU of course. You do need to make it crystal clear that you will be going alone because that is what you need. Don’t rely on dropping hints, as someone who has the brass neck to invite themselves on a holiday is not going to pick up on them. Please look after yourself. Set this boundary very clearly and remember that if your friend can’t respect that, then she is not actually your friend at all.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 25/04/2025 12:01

You have to be upfront with her.

"Friend, you know I love you but I have booked a solo holiday deliberately. I want to be away from other people. If you book your holiday at the same time and in the same place as mine, it will turn into a joint holiday, which isn't at all what I had planned. I don't want to hurt your feelings but I feel you have got the wrong end of the stick here and want to nip this idea in the bud before it goes any further."

commonsense61 · 25/04/2025 12:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 25/04/2025 12:05

Please say it in a way that's not longwinded and seems like you are casting around for an excuse to dissuade her. You do not need an excuse. You are going off for a period of meditative solitude which you desperately need.The solitude is the point. The two of you can meet up later - and you will be very glad to do so - when you have recharged your batteries.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 25/04/2025 12:07

Hi friend just a bit of a heads up before you book.This is a child free alone time holiday for me so unless we bump into each other in the area at some point then I'm afraid we'll just have to catch up at a later time.Hope you have a great holiday.

Imisschampagne · 25/04/2025 12:10

i would like to say get a caravan and go to a festival, but not sure how many would get the reference.

tell her that you want some me time to self care. No beating around the bush.

Motheringlikeapelican · 25/04/2025 12:13

Tell her you have planned 5 days of passion with an online romance who you are meeting in Portugal and that she and daughter would seriously cramp your Shirley Valentine moment?

TonTonMacoute · 25/04/2025 12:13

From ChatGPT (it's so good at this stuff)

I've been looking forward to this holiday as some dedicated me time. I love spending time with you, but this trip is something I've planned as a solo reset. I hope you understand, it's just something I need for myself right now.

lovescats3 · 25/04/2025 12:13

It's a hard no the holiday is for you and nonne is invited tell her

jaytotbad · 25/04/2025 12:17

My friend has now invited herself and her daughter along. She offered to drive me to the airport and then said they might as well come on holiday with me too! She is asked about where I’m staying, and when I said it was an expensive hotel (to put her off) she said she’d find something cheaper nearby and then sent me a photo of somewhere she’s going to book!

And it's at this point that you should have shut it down. I know for some people that's hard to do but you do need to stand up for yourself.
I'd have just told her then that it was a solo holiday for me and that I need time to recharge alone. Maybe in the future we could consider a joint holiday but that's not what I want to do right now.
By trying to put her off with "it's an expensive hotel" you gave her a way in because you didn't state a clear boundary. Don't use reasons like that, people will always find a way and she probably thought you thought it was a nice idea that she came along but you were concerned about it costing her too much. So she finds a "solution" to the "problem" of the hotel and finds somewhere cheaper to book nearby and lo and behold she's coming along on the holiday when you don't want her there.
So better to say you don't want her there (nicely) then now have to try to wriggle out of this.

I would send her a text today using one of the suggestions upthread (a few very good ones actually). Get it over and done with because this must be causing you a lot of anxiety which you don't need.

Blackdow · 25/04/2025 12:18

Short and blunt. No excuses or hinting.
“You know my situation. This holiday is just for me and I won’t be spending any time with anyone else, not even drinks or a lunch. I need this time alone so I can’t even be polite about it; I have to say no.”