Friend has invited herself on holiday with me. WWYD?

[OrtsandNoughts]

I am going on holiday on my own in August. This is a very precious time for me as I am a full time unpaid carer for my son, who has complex needs and my father who has dementia. Day to day life is completely devoted to their needs 24/7. I have no time to myself. I have managed to arrange respite for them both and have booked 5 days in Portugal. This will be my first solo holiday for a long time and I’m so excited!
I know Portugal well,I lived there for 10 years and have taken my son and father on holiday there for many years. Except with them it’s not a holiday for me, as the caring responsibilities continue wherever we are.
But this August, I will be on my own. Free, unburdened, with no one to worry about. I am so looking forward to it!
I have a good friend who is also a carer for her daughter who has complex needs. She is married and has lots of family support (I have none) She goes on holiday often as a family or just her and her husband as she has family to look after her daughter. My friend knows my situation and understands the pressures of caring as we talk about it often. She also knows I am going on holiday on my own and that I enjoy travelling solo.
My friend has now invited herself and her daughter along. She offered to drive me to the airport and then said they might as well come on holiday with me too! She is asked about where I’m staying, and when I said it was an expensive hotel (to put her off) she said she’d find something cheaper nearby and then sent me a photo of somewhere she’s going to book!
AIBU to not want to go on holiday with her and her daughter? AIBU to not want to be responsible for someone else on my precious holiday? How do I tell her I don’t want them to tag along without ruining the friendship? WWYD?

Omg so many wet lettuces on MN today. Just say no!!!!!!!!! Be very polite but very firm and explain the reasons exactly why you are going, what you said on here. Say it’s for your mental well-being and you don’t want to holiday with anyone else. Don’t let her railroad you and force her and her dd on your lovely solo break. If she’s a good friend there will be no problems at all.

No it isn't.

I'm British but that doesn't make me incapable of speaking.

Hi X, thank you for offering to drive me to the airport, it's very kind of you, I hope you understand that I really need this brief bit of time alone to just breathe, with everything going on at home as a constant I just need some silence and time to focus on myself and do what I want and need for a few short days. Please don't take offense at this rate if George Clooney offered to come I'd politely decline!

Wow. Being a carer she should be aware and understand the need of own personal time.

be firm and blunt and say you need me time

say you have declined a friend coming so it’s a no to her as well

YANBU.

But I think you're going to have to take a deep breath and tell her straight. But gently! You don't want to upset her, but you NEED this time on your own. You do not want a joint holiday. If she invites herself & her daughter along, she is not being a good friend.

If she is a good friend, she'll understand, even if she's upset.

I agree with being extremely clear.
"Thank you for the offer of joining me on holiday, but the purpose is for me to have much-needed time entirely on my own. I really do not want anyone else there, so please do not book following me. I will get myself to and from the airport, so I don't need a lift, but thank you anyway."

That's exactly what needs to be said. It's not rude, it's not ambiguous or likely to be misinterpreted, it's tactfully worded, it's not that difficult to articulate, even for a people-pleaser type. It should have come out of the OP's mouth the second any of this was mooted.

That is wasn't is utterly baffling to me.

Schools should teach assertiveness, particularly to girls. Whether it’s managing a friendship so you’re not taken advantage of or asking for a pay rise, it’s such an important skill to be able to say ‘no’ or ‘I want’ without feeling guilt, or going into a long and apologetic explanation. I often think, what would a man do and go from there!

OP I really feel for you.
Why do other people put us in uncomfortable awkward situations which will make you feel like the bad guy.

But you want and deserve this holiday...you are more important than her... so you really have to be honest and say no.

If she spits the dummy out thats her problem.

Good grief, what is wrong with some people? I would never, under any circumstances, invite myself on someone else’s holiday. I agree with others here who say you need to be unequivocal. Firmly explain that you need this time for yourself and that being alone is exactly what works for you to relax and recharge. And don’t say you’ll go another time because in a year, or two years, when you have again meticulously performed all the cartwheels needed to secure respite care, you will be in the same position, but you won’t be able to say ‘no’. I know how hard it is being a carer to loved ones. It’s relentless. You need this

This ^

Otherwise you will be resentful and miserable and very upset about what it's cost.

Do it NOW so she can cancel

Otherwise you'll have to move your booking

I’m sorry but you need to simply be direct : I appreciate that you fancy joining me but I truly need this time away on my own. I do not want a companion or company or a lift. I plan to spend this time alone as it is necessary for my mental health. Nothing personal.

I think either way the friendship is shot so I'd be polite but very clear.

Good grief, what is wrong with some people? I would never, under any circumstances, invite myself on someone else’s holiday.

@Funnywonder me neither, but when people are this inconsiderate, they tend to be thick-skinned too.

I agree about being honest with her, but if u cant then u can either lie and say ur hotel has been moved elsewhere or just leave a day earlier if u can and don't say anything. Book an over night hotel near the airport. Or leave ur house a couple of hours earlier. She really shouldn't of put herself on u like that

I like this. Very clear. Not rude. Perfect.

Hi friend
Sorry to be so honest and blunt but I plan to be 100% on my own to recharge and rest. Please don't add to my anxiety by spoiling my one chance to do this.

You need to be crystal clear so there is no way she can misinterpret it.

"I want to go away on my own to completely decompress. So you and x coming at the same time isn't going to work for me. Obviously if you still want to come that's up to you, but I won't be meeting up with you during my stay and won't respond to any messages."

I think @PerfectlyNormalOwlFreeMorning makes a really good point.

I would go with: "It's really kind of you to offer to keep me company on holiday but I was looking forward to some time alone."

That way you don't have to explicitly say that you don't want her to come and it gives her a get out without losing face.

My response would be “aw that hotel looks amazing, I hope you and your daughter have a great time, I can’t wait to just rest and relax by myself for a few days, and don’t worry about a lift to the airport, I’ve already sorted that, have a great weekend”

Phone her now.

Don't text as she can say she didn't get it.

Be brave. You are worth it!

I would probably apologise for not having been clear that this was intended to be more of a Retreat for me, rather than a conventional holiday. Just an opportunity to get away from everything and be alone to recharge. Being looked after in a luxury hotel. Saying that I simply don’t have the mental bandwidth to be with anyone at all no matter how much I usually enjoy their company. The truth in this instance is neither offensive or hurtful.

I would just message:

"Hi <insert name>, I'm doing this trip solo, for some much needed time alone.

Hopefully you & dd will get booked up somewhere; I've heard <insert a different country/destination to where you're going> is a beautiful place to visit this time of year, maybe somewhere for you to try! x"

Sitting here, willing the OP on to just say NO.

You can do this.

You need this break.

This.