Child's friend parent on sexual offender register

[springisspringing1]

I live in a smallish town - only one primary school and only one class per year. My DC is in reception. One of the children's fathers was found guilty of looking at child sex photographs and online grooming of a young teen girl. He is on the sexual offender register. The mother has retained a close relationship with the father (they may still be together - I don't know her well enough). We have kids' birthday parties all the time and eg when she hosts one, the father is likely to be there. I don't want my children near this man. I just don't. I think she's keen for him to be reintegrated into the (quite small) community. AIBU is, I suppose, to make it clear I don't want him to bring their child to my child's party? (I will just make an excuse for their party). Also - is this unfair on my child's friend (who is obviously only 4 too). This is not something that is going to go away -- and want to work out how to manage it now. Please be kind - I absolutely know it is not the mother or the child's fault.

Your child will never be near that man, unsupervised. Don't punish his child for their father's actions.

How do you know?

Thanks, @saraclara I don't really want my children near him full stop. It's the grooming element of the case - the fact that he was building a relationship with a child - it just seems like such a terrible breach of trust. I don't want him even talking to my children. And I don't know how to set out my worries to my kids either (obvs not saying anything to them now, because there just isn't an age appropriate way of explaining it).

I wouldn’t view him differently to any other man I didn’t know and wouldn’t leave my child alone with any of them.
but I can’t see why he can’t drop his child at your party, that wouldn’t be putting your child at risk.

Poor kid. Four years old. "Mummy, why is everyone else in my class invited to Spring minor's party, but not me?"
"Mummy, we invited everyone to my party, so why is no-one coming?"

I suppose I just see it as different - other men being physically present and interacting with my kids at a children's party - fine. I wouldn't expect to police every word. In his case, I don't want him chatting to my kids in any way. We don't do drop and run parties - the kids are only four. He would stay.

Obviously your child will never go to play dates at their house. But you can’t dictate who can bring the child to your child’s parties. All you can do is exclude the child. Which would be unfair

Yabu
Not sure why you don't want child's dad bringing them to your child's party?
He won't ever be alone with your child.
Your child isn't at risk so for the sake of everyone's wellbeing, you need to support opportunities to allow man to be reintegrated, without putting anymore at risk

I'm sorry but that's an overreaction.

He did an awful thing, but your child is not at risk from him because he won't be alone with him.

YANBU - I had a situation where a woman bought her partner and child to my home and only afterwards told me that he was banned from being alone with children including his own. I told her to invite him into my house where my children were present and only give me this information afterwards was a complete breach of my trust and neither of them were allowed back to my home.
I wouldn't allow my child to their house and I wouldn't allow the father anywhere near my property.

I totally take your point, which is why I am asking the question. It doesn't seem fair at all. But equally, what is the alternative? To be perfectly honest, if my DH was done for grooming/child sex abuse images, he would be gone from my life, so it does slightly raise concerns that the mother is still v involved with him.

Why does she need to put her feelings aside so a paedophile and his sympathisers can feel comfortable??

you need to support opportunities to allow man to be reintegrated

Fuck that, with bells on.

It's not any child's job to be a rehabilitation aid for a fucking paedophile.

Correct.

That's your opinion. I think it's perfectly possible to start the grooming process in conversations under everyone's nose. I don't want this person seeming like "friendly Uncle X" - and it's not clear how I would police that without explaining the situation to my child, who frankly is not able to understand at this point.

Agreed. Just stay close to your kid like you’re meant to at parties because you don’t know what anyone is like. Or just don’t accept party invites and don’t invite them to your kids party. It’ll be reciprocal so your kid won’t be invited to theirs either. Job done.

Yes, tbh this is the way I am leaning. It is SO hard. My child is super chatty with all the dads - thinks of them as friends. I don't want this man being in that group.

Wow this is such a hard one. You don’t want a four year old excluded from parties but at the same time it’s not a nice thought knowing this person has the opportunity to even look at your child. I don’t know what to do op. Perhaps evaluate each party invite going forward and decide then. I.e party at their house might be a no but party at yours is a yes and just say preferably to the parents if only one parent could attend due to space in the house and hope it’s the mum that brings the child

Ha - thanks for cutting to the chase!

I'm glad it's not just me who thinks this is tricky. And because there's only one class in the school, it's going to be an issue all the way up. I'm trying to think it through now.

I'm surprised by how many posters are so easy going about allowing their children to become acquaintances with sex offenders.

My child would never go to a party where he was at. And I'd tell the mother that he's not allowed in my home. I'd also ring the police and confirm he's even allowed to attend these kind of functions.

It's awful for the child but it's his mother's fault for trying to smooth over his father's sex offences to the rest of the community.

Children rarely wander off with strangers, but someone they kind of know? Dave's Dad I met before, he's safe. He's Dave's Dad.

You cannot be confident that OPs child will never be alone with him. The only way to be confident of that is for OP to ensure her child has no contact with him whatsoever - which is what OP is proposing.

Parties, days at the park, friends houses, days out, whatever. 'oh, that's Freddy's dad calling me over, I wonder what he wants' that's all it bloody takes. He's not a stranger. He's their friends Dad. You can't expect a child to treat one parent differently to all the others, it's not possible.

I speak from experience here, as someone who was groomed, and also I have a child with a parent who was convicted of having images of children in DC's class.

I can’t honestly imagine a time where he would be able to chat to your child at a party. Firstly at parties the kids are all off playing. Secondly you will be there and thirdly I don’t think I’ve ever seen any parents chat to children who aren’t there own at parties, surely you would be able to interject if you did see him trying to engage in conversation and tell him not to talk to your child. Or redirect your child to speak to you and send them off to join in. He’s not going to be able to start grooming your child at a 2 hour party while you are there watching his every move is he really? Whilst I wouldn’t want him near my kid you’re being hysterical because he won’t be able to be near your kid

I’m sure he’s not the only man who’s been present and interacting with your child who is that way inclined. Others just haven’t been convicted or you just don’t know about it.

unless you ban all men from ever taking to your child, they will be spoken to by paedos. You just have to supervise and not leave your child alone with them.

Well then perhaps mummy should rethink her choices to have a close relationship with him and trying to reintegrate him into the community.
No thank you.
My priority would be that he is never around my children.

If her own mother won't prioritise her child, why should OP be given that responsibility.
I wouldn't want to be near the mother either.
Surprised how cavalier some would be on this subject. Explains a lot.