Child's friend parent on sexual offender register

[springisspringing1]

I live in a smallish town - only one primary school and only one class per year. My DC is in reception. One of the children's fathers was found guilty of looking at child sex photographs and online grooming of a young teen girl. He is on the sexual offender register. The mother has retained a close relationship with the father (they may still be together - I don't know her well enough). We have kids' birthday parties all the time and eg when she hosts one, the father is likely to be there. I don't want my children near this man. I just don't. I think she's keen for him to be reintegrated into the (quite small) community. AIBU is, I suppose, to make it clear I don't want him to bring their child to my child's party? (I will just make an excuse for their party). Also - is this unfair on my child's friend (who is obviously only 4 too). This is not something that is going to go away -- and want to work out how to manage it now. Please be kind - I absolutely know it is not the mother or the child's fault.

Bloody hell! reintegrated??? NO!

You, and so many others on this thread, are completely batshit.

He’s being monitored by SS and the police? Great, because they always get it right don’t they? 🤨

The fact is, a paedophile is untreatable. In the same way being gay, straight or bisexual is ‘untreatable’. It is a sexual orientation and preference for abusing children and they are ALWAYS a risk to children and society.

I wouldn’t want him on the doorstep of my house either and everyone in the locality should know to give this pervert a wide berth. If you want to call that judgemental vigilante style approach then fine. I wouldn’t want him call it keeping children and society safe.

And there is no such thing as ‘serving your time’ or having been punished enough for these types of people. Crimes against children are the most heinous crimes you can commit and you should pay dearly for the rest of your life for them by being ostracised from society as much as possible.

I'd ostracise the family if the family kept including the dad. They would leave me no choice.

Why on earth would he bring his kid to other parties? By doing that, he's creating the problem for his child. Let the mother take her everywhere.

I agree this one is tricky. I think the blunt message someone put earlier is a good one to acknowledge why you don't want him coming to your party.
I don't know whether your local police station is open and you are able to ask them for clarification about what sex offenders can be present for. You might be able to ask generally about this before naming names and being specific.

I also wanted to add, please be kind to the child. They may not know what exactly has happened at the moment as they are only young (though I am sure when they are older they will find out) and this could cause them a real conflict - to them this is their Dad regardless of the crime so please don't try to punish them because of his actions by avoiding them/encouraging your child to play with others.

Wtf is wrong with the mum sticking to a man like that? Talk about pathetic or extremely low self esteem! Shocking.

I feel for you OP. I don't think you're overreacting at all, but I can see how hard it is for that poor child, not his fault daddy is a nonce. Have u spoken to any other parents about the situation of him still.being about? It's so weird.

I couldn't stomach being in the same room as this man OP. Let alone my kids being near him.
How are you aware of his past?
I would have to say to the mother that I am fine with the friendships between the children and with her, but I can not be around him.
If he were my ex partner I would also be not going anywhere near him but i guess you cant do anything about the mothers choices

@AthWat

Yes! The mother is being completely cruel to her daughter by allowing him in their lives.

Its not tricky at all - I would clearly tell the mum that her partner is a convicted sex offender and should not attend any event where children were. If she chooses to stay with him thats on her, but I wouldnt have my DC anywhere near him even if there is no chance they would ever be alone with him. If she doesnt like that, then thats on her.

I would specifically tell her that her child is invited to my DCs party but on no account is her partner allowed to attend and if he turns up I would be turning him away.

Is he even allowed any contact with children anyway? Have you checked with the police if he has any criteria attached to his registration that bans him from contact with under 16s? I would be checking that.

I also would be checking with the school about whether he is allowed in the classroom when they do 'work alongside your child days' etc as I wouldnt be happy about that either. Is he allowed to be a parent helper on a school trip etc? You may assume they already know but they might not - make sure you tell them

Devil is in the detail. These offences are concerning but there is a sliding scale from images sent to him unsolicited of a 15 year old to generating the images and very young (really bad). Assuming he has received images rather than taking them and he’s not alone I don’t think you should punish the child but I would be very surprised if he comes along to a party because I suspect the terms of the register would forbid it

in many ways he is actually safer than other males your dd may come into contact with because you know. You know not to leave her alone, sleep at this persons house etc. any other man could pose the same if not more threat and you’d never know.

Absolutely this. Why should OP support a vile paedophile? Completely ridiculous. There aren't enough consequences for them as it is.

It’s not ‘punishing’ his child to not put her own children at risk. And she would be. She is responsible for the safety of her own children, and if ensuring that means this child is disappointed, then this child will have to be disappointed. Being ‘kind’ is not worth the very real risk of devastating consequences for her children. What would she tell them in the event of that happening? ‘Mummy wanted to be nice, so she put you in harm’s way’?

That there are unknown risks out there does not mean it is at all wise to hand wave away known risks as essentially harmless and expose children to them.

Op please don't voice your concerns to anyone.. I warned a friend of mine about someone being prosecuted for csa as she had dc of her own. I was given a stern talking to from the police for jeopardising his rehabilitation..

Have you spoken to any other parents? Just to see how everyone else is dealing with this. It's kind of a collective issue....

I’m with @MissScarletInTheBallroom you tell her that she and her kid are very welcome but for all the kids’ safety, her “D”H is not. Letting a known paedophile into your house is madness. Obviously everyone knows that paedophiles can be anyone, anywhere, but that doesn’t mean you invite them in.

Women staying with paedophile husbands is distressingly common. Look at the journalist India Knight. Her husband was convicted of possessing the worst category of sexual images of children and they still cohabit.

so for the sake of everyone's wellbeing

Give over.

Can you explain how it’s of any benefit whatsoever to the OP or her daughters wellbeing, to be in contact with a convicted child sex offender?

You will know other pedophiles, they just won't have been caught.

I think I would do this.

I would take a ‘stern talking to’ any day of the week to protect the children around me. Fuck jeopardising his rehabilitation… paedophiles can’t be rehabilitated.

I agree with this to be honest, I wouldn't want that father anywhere near my kids sorry. I would just be honest to the mum and say you don't want the father present at your kids birthday and can she come alone with her son. Why should you be uncomfortable because of some pervert?

Has he ever turned up at a child's party? He must have some brass neck on him to do that. Also, I'm wondering are there any conditions attached to him being on the register? Proximity to children etc? I wouldn't want to be in his presence. It's hard because you don't want to single a child out, or let your child miss out on parties, but at the same time I wouldn't want to be anywhere near him, or have my child anywhere near him either. I can't understand why the woman would want anything to do with him either.

Doesn't mean she should socialise with those that have been.

I've bookmarked this post for future reference- this is a really useful 'script'. Thank you, @MoveYourSelfDearie.

I can't believe some of the replies you've had OP. It is clear you should not have a known paedophile in a house full of 4 year old's. That should really go without saying. However at the moment it sounds like all this is hypothetical, and he has not actually tried to be at a party? He should have conditions that prevent him from going to childrens parties, so it is unlikely it will actually be an issue. If he is actually going to these things, I would contact the local police and ask their advice.

I'd be exactly like you and make sure he's not got access to your child. We had the experience of a new neighbour who was seemingly really friendly and nice. He gave us a bag of clothes from his "sisters child who had outgrown them". He kept asking if the clothes fitted and if he could see my child wearing them. He also was saying that he would love to babysit and we should take advantage so we could go on date nights etc. Something in my gut sort of nagged me, but there was no logical reason that I could put my finger on. So I just gave the bag of clothes back and said that they didn't fit. We didn't use babysitters so it was easy to say no to that. I questioned if I was being paranoid but it just made me feel uneasy each time he brought it up.

Later on I found out this guy was on the sex offenders register and had groomed multiple children, some of whom were under 8. He had done the same "trick" of giving clothes and babysitting as the way to get his foot in the door, so to speak. He went on to offend again and I thanked my gut instinct for a lucky escape.

If your child comes to know him as the dad of one of their friends then psychologically they already tend to think of them as safer than another random male and that makes them vulnerable to abuse.

It might be blunt but it's probably best to say that you want no contact with the Dad and therefore he's not welcome to bring the child to your party.