Child's friend parent on sexual offender register

[springisspringing1]

I live in a smallish town - only one primary school and only one class per year. My DC is in reception. One of the children's fathers was found guilty of looking at child sex photographs and online grooming of a young teen girl. He is on the sexual offender register. The mother has retained a close relationship with the father (they may still be together - I don't know her well enough). We have kids' birthday parties all the time and eg when she hosts one, the father is likely to be there. I don't want my children near this man. I just don't. I think she's keen for him to be reintegrated into the (quite small) community. AIBU is, I suppose, to make it clear I don't want him to bring their child to my child's party? (I will just make an excuse for their party). Also - is this unfair on my child's friend (who is obviously only 4 too). This is not something that is going to go away -- and want to work out how to manage it now. Please be kind - I absolutely know it is not the mother or the child's fault.

It’s absolutely impossible while running a kids party to keep an eye on this man and make sure he never has any alone time or one on one conversations with a child. There’s enough other stuff going on, and I wouldn’t want to host a party where any child might be groomed, not just my own.

Society should not be giving this many any opportunity to be around children. He should be allowed to reintegrate in terms of having a job and not being subject to abuse in the street, but he shouldn’t be at children’s birthday parties.

Him being there will inherently mean the kids see him as a safe adult, so if they ever spot him in the playground or at the park he will be a familiar and trusted face. It’s not about him abusing children at the party.

I’d honestly say in the RSVP to the other kids party that you’re only comfortable with DC attending if Dad isn’t there, can they confirm whether he’s attending. And for the invite to your party to say that you don’t want Dad attending and so another adult will need to bring the invited DC - and be prepared to turn Dad away (or maybe accept that this kid will be a drop and run at your party).

I think your position is totally reasonable, but you should make sure the offenders kid isn’t left out as the last think they need is to be isolated. But you should be prepared that you might need to make Mum and Dad feel uncomfortable to do this.

I think telling the child's mum that her daughter is very welcome, but you don't want her husband in your home is reasonable - child doesn't lose out then.

I wouldn't want him anywhere near children because his crime is so appalling. It wouldn't just be a case of managing the risk to my child, it's a vile crime, I wouldn't want him near any children.

I wouldn't let my daughter ever go to their house though, whether he's in or not.

I'm firmly with those saying:

1. Your party "We are inviting you to bring X to the party, please note we not willing to have the father attend due to his previous conviction"
2. Boy's party - ask if the father will be attending, because you are unable to send your child if so. Mum can decide if she wants him to have a party with children or with his father.
3. School events - ensure safeguarding lead is aware of the conviction (they should not have him run stalls etc), and accompany your child as usual around strange adults.

No need to put children at risk for the sake of a child abuser's ego. Mum and the son will unfortunately have to get used to it, but can be invited anywhere and decide if it suits them or not.

He's a paedophile. They're notoriously impossible to rehabilitate.

Can you speak to the mother? and check if he will be present?

The OP has said that he "will stay" at the party - I am not sure why she believes that, but one would presume he has done it before at someone else's.

This man chose his actions and he therefore has to live with the consequences.

I would ask the mother if she will be the one bringing her child to your child's party. If so, great. If she says the father will, I would tell her that given his record, you are not comfortable hosting him, but would be happy to have the child dropped off and picked up at the end of the party so the little one isn't left out.

This is the reality that they created and they shouldn't be surprised.

Im really surprised at the responses here. Id feel the same as you @springisspringing1 . Id also seriously question the mum here.
People are adamant it couldnt happen at a party - it really could... children have been raped in toilet cubicles while their parents are trying to batter the door down. It takes one child to ask where the loo is, or to be taken inside to get a plaster/drink/napkin etc.

I completely agree with you. My child would never go to that child’s house and that man would never set foot in my house, if that means the child doesn’t either, then so be it.

I wouldn't want him in my house with my and other children present. But I wouldn't want to exclude the child. So I think I would be clear to the mother that either she accompanies her child or that they drop and go.

There has to be a massive amount of backstory missing from this story.
Or it never happened

OP voice your concerns to whoever you feel is appropriate.

I'd certainly be asking the school if they're aware. I wouldn't be wanting him to come into school on an open morning or be a helper on a school trip.

If you go for option 1, you may have to print that invitation up yourself, I don't think you'll get one off the shelf.

I wouldn’t want them around either. Of course they are not going to take them off under your nose at a 4 year old’s party. It’s about stuff like ‘do you want a lift?’ when they eventually walk to school.

I would extend this to say, that if she knows and retains a relationship, that makes the mother a risk too.

I would change the structure of my child's parties. Small select group of friends. 8 or so. So the child in question isn't included but neither are a few others in the class.

I find the complacency from some of the posters absolutely breathtaking. Why are you so keen to excuse and tolerate male sexual deviancy?

This man has absolutely no place interacting with any child whatsoever.

If he truly understood the sheer scale of his criminality and the fear, distress and revulsion his presence must (and should!) induce, he would voluntarily withdraw from all community events involving children and young people. Ideally, keep himself to himself for evermore.

OP, please do not feel guilty for wanting to protect your child. I understand this will be a difficult situation to manage, especially in a small community. Could you turn to the school for advice and support?

But anybody could be a child sex offender you have the heads up with this man
The friendly uncle ,the next door neighbour who who always stops and chats,anyone.

I wouldn’t allow him at my child’s party.

for others id make sure I constantly watched him and ensured he never spoke to my child. If he approaches them he’d be told that he’s not allowed to speak to them.

One of the children's fathers was found guilty of looking at child sex photographs

Society must stop using the phrase child sex photographs, and call it was it is - child abuse! This is such minimising disgraceful language often seen in press articles almost trying to normalise it.

OP, my child would have nothing to do with his child. Not the child’s fault, but your child’s safety is paramount.

If you can raise it with the mum that would be best. He is obviously still a parent and she may feel she has to support that relationship for her child's sake. I think you are entitled to stress to her that you want to know who would accompany the child to your party. If she organises a party for her child then you can ask what adults will be there before you accept the invitation. Then it's up to the mother whether she prioritises her child's social life or the father's.

Having worked extensively with both the victims and perpetrators of CSA I think your concerns, and request for help navigating this difficult situation, are valid. This man is a convicted paedophile and whilst he is entitled to live his life and be present in his child's life (assuming there is no Court Order preventing him from doing so) it is not you're job to be 'inclusive' and welcome him into your social circle. One of the consequences of his decisions to act on his sexual feelings towards children, aside from the obvious legal ramifications, is that people may not want to associate with him.

Whilst you are correct that the mother of his child is not responsible for his offending, if she has chosen to stand by him then a natural consequence of that choice is that her social life, and potentially that of her child, is likely to be affected. Sadly, I have been involved in many cases where the wives/partners of convicted paedophiles have been in denial or minimised the seriousness of their offending so she is not necessarily a protective factor.

Rates of re-offending for men who sexually abuse children or view images of CSA are high. If he is genuinely committed to not re-offending then he should be taking all possible steps to limit his contact with children other than his own.

If your child is invited to the other child's party you could attend and make sure you keep a very close eye on your child. Personally, I would find it difficult if I was hosting a party and this man attended with his child as I would feel obliged to watch him like a hawk, in addition to my hosting duties. Attending his own child's birthday party is one thing, but he should not be attending the birthday parties of other children in my view as that is something that could easily be avoided and depending on the terms of his SHPO (Sexual Harm Prevention Order) if he has one, he could find himself in trouble for this.

Personally, in your shoes I would be doing everything possible to limit this person's contact with my children. If this meant not actively encouraging a friendship between my child and his, so be it. It's not his child's fault and it's not fair, but I am not responsible for that child I am only responsible for mine and I would not be exposing my children to unnecessary risk for another child's sake. Statistically, there is someone with a sexual interest in children on every street so you can never eliminate all risk, but it is sensible and proportionate in my view to limit your child's contact with a known paedophile as much as possible and nothing will convince me otherwise.

If he's on the register, are there certain conditions attached to his privilege of living in the community?
I.e. to avoid contact with other people's children, to never go to playgrounds, soft play, school, or other places designed for children, and not to go to children's parties or be present at his child's?

I think you'd be well within your rights to insist he not drop his child off to your home and I would never, ever send my child to the other child's house. Sex offenders are devious and never to be trusted.

I would not trust the mother of your child's friend either - she has everything to lose from reporting anything she sees that indicates he's offending again. Shes a very foolish woman who has already made the bad decision to stick with this man.

Should we not be teaching our children to be wary of everyone ?

Somebody had to.

The responses to this thread are unbelievable. One can only hope they are borne of ignorance as to exactly how paedophiles operate.

Penalising the child is unfortunate. Really unfortunate. I'd go some distance toward working around an avoidance of this, but no measure I would consider taking would involve my child being in the presence of this man. Not supervised; not otherwise.

As a mother, my first duty is of protection to my own child. Never ignore your instincts.

How people are saying he poses no risk is mind blowing! You don't know that about anyone nevermind a convicted sex offender!

Personally I'd not let my child go to the child's parties but I would invite the child to my child's parties. Hoping he doesn't turn up and if he does he'd only be standing on the sidelines.

It's awful for the child but my priority is and always will be my children.

YANBU to have very clear boundaries with this man, and his ex. If either of them try to gaslight you into "Oh, he's not harmful," it's absolutely OK to say "No." If he turns up at your door, you can ask him to leave and not return.

Don't let them gaslight you!

I would not want this man anywhere near my children or my friends children and I’d have no issues with making this clear to the mum.
it’s up to her to bring her child herself or to exclude them