Child's friend parent on sexual offender register

[springisspringing1]

I live in a smallish town - only one primary school and only one class per year. My DC is in reception. One of the children's fathers was found guilty of looking at child sex photographs and online grooming of a young teen girl. He is on the sexual offender register. The mother has retained a close relationship with the father (they may still be together - I don't know her well enough). We have kids' birthday parties all the time and eg when she hosts one, the father is likely to be there. I don't want my children near this man. I just don't. I think she's keen for him to be reintegrated into the (quite small) community. AIBU is, I suppose, to make it clear I don't want him to bring their child to my child's party? (I will just make an excuse for their party). Also - is this unfair on my child's friend (who is obviously only 4 too). This is not something that is going to go away -- and want to work out how to manage it now. Please be kind - I absolutely know it is not the mother or the child's fault.

I’d tell the child’s mother that the child
is very welcome but that the father shouldn’t come anywhere fucking near your child or your house

id also ask the school to disclose to the extent to can its policy and approach where a parent at the school is a registered sex offender

It would be a horrible conversation, and I don't know how I'd word it , but making it clear that only the mum is welcome or the kid can't come. Which is awful, but there's no easy answer to this one given parents stay at this age.

Agree with this absolutely. And please don’t judge the mum. She may well be with him so the daughter isn’t in his custody alone at any time :(

And I’d say that your child will only come to a party at the other child’s house is the paedophile is not st
the house

id also very much judge the mother for still being with her paedophile husband

But by the age of 6/7/8 posters on MN are complaining about parents hanging around at the party taking up space.

So what happens then at this kid's party? Should we hope by 7 that they can all handle the.selves with a sexual predator?

Because Mummy decided to keep this man around and try and reintegrate him into the community.

Sorry, but for me that man is a risk. I wouldn’t punish the child but it’s the child’s parents who are doing this to their child. The child’s mother needs to sort out her priorities.

Is he actually allowed at the school and to be around children that aren’t his? My child’s friends father was put onto the register last year and the conditions of this are that he isn’t allowed onto school grounds (can park in the car near the school), he isn’t allowed at any of his kids sports venues and he isn’t allowed any contact with females under the age of 16 without their parents consent. His two kids still see him but everyone else acts like he is dead, no one talks about him or mentions him. The one thing that hasn’t happened though is that people haven’t punished his children for his crimes.

I don't know if it's unusual, but quite a few of the dads are pretty hands on and it's nice! They'll be playing football (crap football obvs because the kids are four) in the garden etc. It's def v normal for the fathers to interact with other people's kids round here, and I like it (most of the time!). And obvs I'm always present and keeping an eye on things. But as I said elsewhere, it's tricky to police.

I don’t understand why people think it’s so unbelievably awful to say that this man can’t come to a party?it’s not saying the child can’t.

Yes I agree with having the difficult conversation with the mum. Then no one is excluded. Perhaps she might distance herself from him with a better support network anyway.

At least you know about this one!

I'd put mummy and Adam on the invitation and if the pedo shows up then I'd send him away. No way would I allow him to attend my child's party. It's your job to protect your kids , clearly this mother is failing to protect hers but that's not your problem

Also how do you know other men are fine?

I’d be doing everything in my power to avoid any possible contact between my child and this man, and I’d have serious concerns about the mother’s judgement. Why on earth should OP, her child and others feel like they need to play any part in his reintegration? Children are not support animals for perverted men FFS. I know women are conditioned to smooth things over, but suggesting OP should allow her child to be around a literal sex offender for the sake of a bit of social cohesion is insane.

I don't know. I don't know how to find out. I looked briefly at Sarah's Law (I am in England) but I couldn't work out if it covered eg kids' parties. I don't want to start a witch hunt vibe.

I'm sorry, but this is nonsense. You don't disregard a known risk because there could be an unknown one that's just as bad.

It's like saying there's no point looking before you cross the road because you might not see a car anyway, so you may as well just do it with your eyes shut and hope for the best.

No, I would not be willing to accept him using his daughter as a proverbial human shield to gain access to children. It’s extremely unfortunate for his daughter, but being ‘kind’ to her is not worth the very real risk to your own children.

What if, in wanting to include his daughter, your children did come to harm? Would that be acceptable? Would you still think you did the right thing?

You must have misread the OP.

She’s not talking about not inviting the child to her child party, she’s saying she doesn’t want the dad attending her child’s party and staying.

Honestly OP, I would feel exactly the same as you and I would just lay it out for the mother.

‘As you’ve seen from the invite, we are having a bday party for my DD at home Saturday week. We would love to see X on the day. However, due to X’s father’s previous behaviour and convictions I would request that he not drop X off, atrend the party or come near the house. Thanks for your understanding and can’t wait to see X on the day’

I wouldn’t want him next or near my DD for all the reasons youve highlighted. I also wouldn’t want to be around him myself.

And to the poster who mentioned people should support his reintegration to society… seriously, cop the fuck on, he’s a paedophile and no child, including his own, should have to be around him.

Does the mum know that you know her ex is on the sex offenders register?

You could just say it bluntly.

"Please can you accompany Amy to Lizzie's party? I'm aware that Amy's dad is on the sex offenders register and I don't feel comfortable with him in my house."

You do realise if she left him then he’d still be eligible to have at least 50/50 custody of his child? So perhaps she’s staying to protect her child against that. The justice system needs to change around this. Desperately

I had a slightly similar situation op with an extended family member and stopped by daughter aged 5 going to the home of this person & went nc. They didn't have young kids so there wasn't an issue with parties etc. Yes I feel sorry for your friends child suffering due to the vile pervert but gosh, I absolutely see your point. Can someone please update me on the law, are paedophiles even actually allowed around near children?

I wouldn’t have anything to do with him at all

Clearly, I don't. And it's a constant balance. And I check in on the conversations etc etc. But I think it's important for kids to interact with friendly adults as part of their development. But this man is a groomer. It's not the same level of risk in my eyes.

Of course it does, but even if she is doing that, why integrate him back into the community? She doesn’t have to subject other children to her husband’s depravity.

There are ways of doing what you suggest and this isn’t it.

This is blunt, but probably the best way managing it. Poor woman. It's a horrendous situation for her.