Child's friend parent on sexual offender register

[springisspringing1]

I live in a smallish town - only one primary school and only one class per year. My DC is in reception. One of the children's fathers was found guilty of looking at child sex photographs and online grooming of a young teen girl. He is on the sexual offender register. The mother has retained a close relationship with the father (they may still be together - I don't know her well enough). We have kids' birthday parties all the time and eg when she hosts one, the father is likely to be there. I don't want my children near this man. I just don't. I think she's keen for him to be reintegrated into the (quite small) community. AIBU is, I suppose, to make it clear I don't want him to bring their child to my child's party? (I will just make an excuse for their party). Also - is this unfair on my child's friend (who is obviously only 4 too). This is not something that is going to go away -- and want to work out how to manage it now. Please be kind - I absolutely know it is not the mother or the child's fault.

This man probably is less of a risk now than random others as he is being monitored.

Online grooming doesn't mean he is going to target a child at a birthday party.

I would not punish his poor child for his crimes which he is clearly being punished for himself anyway.

YANBU . Why is a man like that even allowed near his own children?

You can feel natural horror snd revulsion ...and remain vigilant. without descending into a mob type mentality of constant punishment of someone already being closely watched by authorities.

And yes, it was in the local paper and this is a small town. She must know pretty much everyone knows.

If the OP is hosting a party, she’s going to be too busy to watch her child every minute. And certainly won’t be able to police this man’s interactions with her child - or any of the others. And this is if it’s in her own home. Completely impossible if it was somewhere like soft play for example.

There must be some way of finding out if he is even allowed at this kind of event.

I’m not sure how you would find out, I only know the details of this man’s because I am friends with his ex wife. Surely he can’t just have free rein around children though? That would be crazy.

I definitely agree with you though in that I wouldn’t have him at my house or anywhere near my kids, I’m not sure what it’s like where you live but the Dad I know isn’t welcome anywhere around here and other parents would make that very clear but he also hasn’t tried to integrate himself and keeps a very low profile.

I would let your child go to his child's party but I would stay and if at any point in the future it is a drop-off party I'd make my excuses. At your own party I think you are well within your rights to tell the mum that the child is welcome but that he is not. If it's a drop-off/pick-up, he should wait outside. Ultimately, she will come to save the embarrassment. And no playdates at theirs ever.

He is allowed near his own child because firstly he will have been assessed as safe to be around them. We are seeing in society an absolutely enormous number of men arrested gor online child abuse offences sadly.

I really dislike judgemental vigilante style approaches. This man is being monitored by SS and police and those close to him know his risks.

He is zero risk on the doorstep of your house and you are just punishing his child

Previous behavior is a perfectly good enough reason to disinvite an adult to any occasion. In fact, I suspect if you said you had a neighbour who got drunk and abusive had a previous party you'd be told to never let him and his family darken your doorway again.

But being an actual pedophiles seems to get him a pass on previous behavior.

That is inaccurate.Shes increasing the risk dramatically by making him a known acquaintance of her child. Not inviting a pedophile to your doorstep is nothing like vigilante justice. Are people really this silly with their children?

Bollocks - she’s stayed with him.

I just don't see how you can possibly say he's zero risk...

It’s mad, I wouldn’t trust anyone who has shown any sort of paedophilia around my child at any point. It’s not worth it. And the police are not good at dealing with people they know are paedophiles and rapists so I wouldn’t trust their monitoring to be enough. Lots of paedophiles abuse again even after jail time etc. You can never be relaxed enough to say ‘they’re being monitored so it’s okay’.

Because she's making it up as she goes along.

In what way is not having a sex offender in your house mob punishment.

i wouldn’t have a convicted adult rapist at a party either.

No she doesn't.

It is not on the parents of his child's classmates to support anything for a man who has been convicted for indecent images of children and grooming a child.

OP, I'm not even a parent and this man would never be part of my social circle - not even on the periphery.

Nothing is zero risk but for the sake of supporting a local child who is clearly in a hard position if this is how people feel about the dad..I would not ostracise the family.

Short of explaining to her child why he can never be in close contact with his friend's father the only safe thing is for him to never know him as a safe person.

The problem is then shit will really get awkward for this child when the whole school is talking about it.

You need to go back and read the OP. At no point has she said the child wouldn't be invited to her child's party. She just doesn't want his sex offending paedophile father to be the one to bring him to the party.

@springisspringing1, you are obviously not unreasonable for not wanting a paedophile at a 5th birthday party.

My view is that the child should be invited to all parties. The mother can attend.

the father cannot coming anywhere near your house

i would not talk or acknowledge him at any school or other events.

and as said I would contact the school to ask them their approach - acknowledging that they won’t be able to give you specific info about individuals

You need to talk to your child about him. And the danger adults can pose to children in general.

4 years old is not too young for this conversation. It's needed and necessary now.

I would start talking about 'tricky adults'.
"Most grown ups are lovely people, kind and helpful. They are safe to be around. Some grown ups are tricky. They are not safe grown ups and we don't want to be near them. Tricky grown ups want to hurt children, even though they pretend to be nice to them at first."

You can give examples of tricky adult behaviour eg

" A tricky grown up might bring you lots of sweets or presents when it's not your birthday. They might do things or say things that make you feel scared or uncomfortable. Always trust how you feel. Or a tricky adult might ask you, a little kid, to help them. Safe grown ups don't ask children for help. Tricky grown ups might ask you to keep secrets from mummy and daddy. "

Then you directly tell your child

" Sally-Ann's dad is a tricky adult and we don't want you to talk to him. We need to keep you safe from him. We will never let you be alone with him. If you ever feel uncomfortable or not safe around him or anyone else, come tell mummy and daddy straight away. We will never be cross at you for telling us anything"

She’s ostracizing the father not the family

Nobody goes to that kid's parties while her father is in the house, surely. I can't see how that's at all controversial. The kid's mother should have the sense to either organise something where supervision is possible or make an excuse to her kid as to why she's not having a party.

I wouldn’t want him to even walk up my garden path to drop off. No way. My child would never be around him not even at a party where I am supervising. It would make me feel sick for him to be able to even look my child up and down.

I think it's completely ok for you to invite the child but make it clear to the mum the dad is not allowed in your property.
That way it's on the mum of the child misses the party.