Child's friend parent on sexual offender register

[springisspringing1]

I live in a smallish town - only one primary school and only one class per year. My DC is in reception. One of the children's fathers was found guilty of looking at child sex photographs and online grooming of a young teen girl. He is on the sexual offender register. The mother has retained a close relationship with the father (they may still be together - I don't know her well enough). We have kids' birthday parties all the time and eg when she hosts one, the father is likely to be there. I don't want my children near this man. I just don't. I think she's keen for him to be reintegrated into the (quite small) community. AIBU is, I suppose, to make it clear I don't want him to bring their child to my child's party? (I will just make an excuse for their party). Also - is this unfair on my child's friend (who is obviously only 4 too). This is not something that is going to go away -- and want to work out how to manage it now. Please be kind - I absolutely know it is not the mother or the child's fault.

"Jocasta, I know Laius is on the SO register. Please don't let him bring little Ismene and Antigone round tomorrow, as I can't allow him in my house."

"Laius, I know you're on the SO register and I can't allow you in my house. It would be better for everybody if you left parties to Jocasta."

I'm assuming that these interactions would happen in an undertone, for the protection of Ismene and Antigone.

YANBU to want to keep a registered sex offender (or anyone else with predatory behaviour) out of your house and away from your DC. And it is not your job or that of your DC (or Laius's own DC for that matter) to reintegrate RSOs.

I’m seriously, seriously questioning some of these replies. Expressing concern about proximity of a paedophile to your child is “vigilantism”? A convicted child sex offender is “safer” than other men because he’s supposedly being monitored? (Because the police never fuck up on that front, do they?!) And the idea that all the other parents should just put up and shut up, lest the pervert’s “reintegration” be disrupted, simply defies belief. Also, at no point has OP suggested excluding the offender’s child - she’s made it abundantly clear that the mother would be welcome. FFS, I honestly despair!

Honestly I'd message her and be really clear that he isn't welcome to stay. Id tolerate the child being dropped off but he wouldn't be in my home.
It's not your or anyone else's responsibility to be involved in the so called integration.. his partner may have forgiven but nobody else has to pander to that. He wasn't thinking about the impact on his family while he was being inappropriate with a child.
Id be upfront, honest and not entertaining any discussions.

Mumsnet is ridiculously laidback about paedophiles.

I don’t think this is hard decision. The child’s father is not permitted by you to be at the party or around your child.

For those saying he can’t groom a child a a party, you are being naive. Him being at the party, at the school gates, at the school fair, in the park makes him a normal dad. He is not a normal dad. He needs to remain a stranger and not someone your child recognises as a friendly parent.

Just tell the parents he is not invited to bring his son to the party. Tell them it’s because of his conviction.

People on the sex offenders register have conditions placed on them, that are monitored. So it is doubtful he would get unsupervised access to his daughter - many of these men are very manipulative and will have convinced the mum that it was a hatchet job, he didn’t do anything etc etc. Some of them even use a female companion to facilitate access to children - one stands out whose wife was persuaded to restart giving piano lessons at home. He WILL most likely reoffend - it’s their sexual urge, and like ‘normal’ men they’re driven by that urge.

However, just to put the cat amongst the pigeons - any of those other ‘lovely hands on dads’ could also be a paedophile. It’s rarely your dirty mac grubby character. And it’s rife. Absolutely fucking rife.

Agreed.

They are disturbing. This, in plain sight on this thread, is how these men get away with it.

OP YANBU.
The man is attracted to children.
Unless he goes through serious therapy - how does that just go away? Just because he’s served time/gone on the sex offenders list - doesn’t mean he should be attending children’s activities.

I don’t blame you - it’s very unfortunate for the child.

Why can’t the mother take him to parties? Surely this is the sensible thing to do.

Happy to help. Most people would feel comfortable talking to their kids about 'stranger danger' from around 3 or 4. This should be no different.

I personally think that the risk from known adults is greater. And we need to start conversations at the same age to help kids recognise odd adult behaviour and to make them feel able to trust their own instincts and know that parents/teachers will listen to them and help them.

The woman has to realise that forgiving her pedo husband is going to see their child missing out on party invites and play dates.

I would not invite the child, I wouldn't give the mother the time of day and the man would never be near my children.

Even if he is standing on the 'sidelines' I would have no difficulty in telling him where to go (to hell preferably).

We all know the manner of person who infiltrates this site, not least makes a beeline for threads exactly like these.

But a culture of enablement such as we are seeing here is how men have always got away with behaviour like this. Society is far more comfortable with the pretence that this sort of thing just doesn't happen; even when, as in this case, the man concerned is a convicted offender.

Your guess is as good as mine as to why.

No play dates at their house. No unsupervised time together at parties (you’ll still be attending parties for at least another 2 years). Then you can assess the situation and make a decision from there. To be fair, there are not many dads fighting for the opportunity to attend a birthday party. And certainly, this one, who knows that everyone no doubt knows, will be very reluctant to make an appearance.

It’s not just about this man and the risks he poses. It’s also about the risks posed by a mum who minimises abuse happening under her nose. If she did it before (and is still together with him, etc), she is likely to do it again especially if it confirms the comfortable narrative in her head.

I have 2 close female family members married to men who have been convicted of child sexual offences. Neither of them really see the harm in what their partners did. One of them in particular has re-offended with other children since they’ve been married (but not been charged). I know because she told me what he did. She thinks it’s very normal. As long as the children don’t know or he doesn’t actually touch them, there’s no harm in it. But she swears she can control it and he would never do that to my children specifically, so begs to let them come around.

It should be no surprise that we are since NC and neither of them have had any contact with my children since we found out. Partners are groomed too. They easily fall for the ruse because it helps it all make sense to them and allows them to stay in a more comfortable state of denial. Now mum may be fiercely protective and have cut all ties but having her hand forced for contact by the courts and SS. That’s different. If she’s not though, I wouldn’t want my children around someone who is a known supporter of a child abuser.

Of course, there are always the ones you don’t know about, yes, sure. But here’s one where you do, so I’d make decisions accordingly. That doesn’t mean the girls can’t be friends. My dd has friend who has a dysfunctional home life, alcoholic abusive dad who hits her and refuses her food. I will never allow dd to visit her home. But they can still meet up places and the friend can still come to ours.

Yep

Hear hear!! He’s a fkng paedo, not a convicted shoplifter FFS!!

Therapy won't help. By adulthood they are notoriously resistant to rehabilitation.

I worked some time ago with NOTA. Their evidence to this observation speaks for itself.

You absolutely can dictate who brings the child if they intend to stay. No way would that father enter my home - for any reason.

Yes to this.

He needs to feel the consequences of his choices, and his wife needs to feel the consequences of hers too.

Nobody owes this man a second chance, and it is mind boggling that this woman seems to believe everyone else should suspend their instinct to protect their children from someone quite monstrous in order to feed her denial or his.

She has put this man's feelings ahead of the interests of her own child, and it's a shame the child should suffer the consequences, but that's entirely her choice.

You are part of the problem

Opportunities to allow him to be reintegrated?

You’re having a fucking laugh.

These scumbag deviants should get no second chances, ever.

A very mean-spirited post. We don’t know the details. Maybe the mother is doing her best to deal with shitty situation and doesn’t want her 4 year old to be functionally fatherless for reasons they’re far too young to understand.

Just a quick Google suggests he wouldn't be allowed to be around children as a condition of being on the sex offenders register.
Personally, would not allow my child to be around someone on the sex offenders register and would potentially report to safeguarding lead at the school they attend or the police.

Of course! But despite being told repeatedly, I still think children are still more likely to interact with someone they’ve already met in a setting such as a child’s party.

Parties are generally not in the home these days. I’ve never hosted nor been to a children’s party at anyone’s house.
Obviously you can dictate who comes in your home. But not in a public place like soft play/church hall etc where parties are most often held

You're absolutely right. I actually imagine him standing there getting a kick out of watching the kids play. Such a sick depraved excuse for a human.