To stop paying extras for SC because their mum is being horrid?

[Kitchi]

I have two SC. DH and his ex split because she had an affair and moved away. She’s still with the other man, they have a toddler, and the face of it our household lifestyles seem fairly similar. Nobody is struggling, but they have far more spare cash for holidays and days out than we do (we have a mortgage and nursery to pay for, they don’t, she doesn’t work). From what DH says they are likely to be in debt but who knows.

We pay CMS level maintenance plus all uniforms / school clubs / shoes, plus music and sports tuition (not cheap), plus we have traditionally paid everything for school trips. We have them two nights a week.

I am the higher earner and DH pays me an amount every month to cover his share of the bills. Realistically, he covers a proportionate to salary amount of our bills, the CMS, and I am paying for the extras.

SC’s mum has ramped up her dislike of us since I got pregnant, is telling SC to lie to us, refusing to let us call when she should, is telling SC that we’re mean to her and bad people, and all kinds of rude stuff which is being parroted back (petty things like my hair is ugly or our car is rubbish or I’m too old to have a baby or we’re poor because we shop at Aldi).

AIBU to just stop paying for the extras like trips and uniform, except for what they need for our house? I’ll still pay for their sports and music tuition. She can afford four foreign holidays a year so I don’t think SC would go without.

If you take it out on the kids you’re just playing her game.

but you could always get DH to tell her directly that if she thinks you’re both ‘poor’ then perhaps she can carry more of the financial weight with all the extra stuff

She already tells the kids that we don’t pay anything for them, and she pays all their costs, so frankly why am I bothering?

I don’t think she wouldn’t let them go without, so it’d just be a case of her stumping up, not me. And why would I subsidise the lifestyle of someone who hates me?

Don't put the kids in the middle of this..
Their Dad should be talking to them and making sure they're sufficiently aware of details to make their own minds up.

They’re 7 and 9 and although he corrects lies and tells them that some of the things they’re parroting are rude, neither of us feel they’re old enough to be placed in the middle. They’re - naturally - very loyal to their mum.

We are keeping receipts for if they want to discuss anything when they’re older though.

She already tells the kids that we don’t pay anything for them, and she pays all their costs, so frankly why am I bothering?

Because they’ll grow up and see the light. My adult stepchildren certainly did. I spent years holding my tongue and paying for lots of things for them indirectly. Recent conversations have revealed that they’re well aware of that now and appreciation has been expressed. Step parenting is a long game.

So these kids’ parents split up and they both found better earning partners which they now expect to support the kids financially? Brilliant.

I’ll still pay for their sports and music tuition which is thousands a year. I think that’s enough.

YANBU. Your husband should pay the maintenance required based on his income, you shouldn't be contributing at all. If he wants to contribute more he needs to earn more to do so, you shouldn't pay anything.

Could you afford to survive without his income? If so, maybe look at him becoming a "house husband" doing all the work around the home. If he exits work he will have no income and no maintenance to pay, so the overall "hit" to your family income will be lessened.

Sometimes you have to play the system to win and sometimes you have to play the other party at their own game. You and your husband haven't started the trouble, it was the ex who had the affair and the ex who is trying to stir the shit up now.

She sounds very annoying to deal with, but it sounds like that would damage the relationship with the child, which is what she wants.

I’m happy to pay for SC when they’re in my home and for opportunities they wouldn’t otherwise get - one is now a talented violinist (I play too) and the other is very devoted to football, and neither would had these interests supported by anyone else.

I’m no longer happy to pay costs which should be met by their parents, especially when one - their mum - is both better off than me and vitriolic towards me.

This. Don't stoop to her level, particularly with children involved. And if you cut off paying school trips when new baby comes, how do you think your SC will feel about that?

She already tells them that she pays for everything so to them, there’d be no change.

This is almost exactly the situation I was in when my SC were young. Take the high moral position and pay. The kids are worth it and they will vote with their feet in the end.

OP is concinced the SC won't go without as threir mum has more money than OP so the children won't be affected. Only the mum's wallet and rightfully so.

Poor poor kids 😔

This sounds really petty of you OP. You really need to disengage your brain from what the children’s mother did or didn’t do etc. The kids will absolutely absorb your vitriol. Especially when your baby comes along. You took the package deal, what difference will a few uniforms etc really make to you?

I feel awful for the children when the new partner starts to vilify and over-focus on their mother. It’s essentially schoolgirl spite. Please don’t engage, no matter what you hear she is doing. There shouldn’t even be a culture in your house that discusses their mum negatively!

Do you have any parental responsibility for these poor children, your dh is the one 2ho should be paying for all their activities. The courts do not look kindly on parental alienation, your dh needs to stop this behaviour of hers and sort out his finances.

This makes you sound very patronising OP and like the SC, their mum and their dad should be grateful to you.

I’m being insulted, almost daily, in my own home. By her, via SC.

Apparently I’m too old to have a baby, my car is rubbish, I’m poor, I’m ugly… And I’m the one who’s over-focused and vitriolic?

but they have far more spare cash for holidays and days out than we do (we have a mortgage and nursery to pay for, they don’t, she doesn’t work)

I genuinely don’t understand why people think it’s reasonable to have this view? It doesn’t matter what they earn, how many holidays they go on, how much money they have, none of that takes away from your DH’s responsibility to his children.

My ex did this many years ago, we were still going through a divorce. My solicitor actually wrote a very stern letter explaining this had to stop. It did actually work. Maybe outline what extras you pay for and continued bad mouthing will result in the cms being paid and nothing else. Hopefully would not have to follow through. Maybe apply for shared custody so you have them more. Hope all works out for you.

They are children, I think you need to either end discussions about what their mum has said about you or don’t take it personally. I can imagine how awful it is if you let it get to you, but the children are really in the middle here and shouldn’t be. Their father needs to step in and have a word to her if she’s saying those things to the kids. But retaliating by not buying them things only punishes the kids and will no doubt fuel the fire

I don't think it's inappropriate for you to say 'we share paying for things, like we paid for (school trip) and didn't you have a lovely time? Come on, let's go get a biscuit'
You aren't saying mums lying, you are telling the truth in a child friendly way. Has your DP ever addressed this with her or is he keen not to rock the boat?

You'll always get a hard time on here, even as the victim you'll be the villain purely because you're a step mum.

I don't think yabu at all. The only other thing you could do is buy the uniform and give it to your step children to take back to their mum's house, that way they will understand that you've bought it.

YANBU, pay the required CMS and the bits you want to and stop the rest.

She can have one less holiday a year or get a job. Don’t subside the mean twat.

Anyone else feel sorry for these poor kids?
Parents split up when they were young and now can’t get on and now they are stuck in the middle.
Poor little mites, whatever things you have, or holidays you go on, it won’t make up for this shit.