To stop paying extras for SC because their mum is being horrid?

[Kitchi]

I have two SC. DH and his ex split because she had an affair and moved away. She’s still with the other man, they have a toddler, and the face of it our household lifestyles seem fairly similar. Nobody is struggling, but they have far more spare cash for holidays and days out than we do (we have a mortgage and nursery to pay for, they don’t, she doesn’t work). From what DH says they are likely to be in debt but who knows.

We pay CMS level maintenance plus all uniforms / school clubs / shoes, plus music and sports tuition (not cheap), plus we have traditionally paid everything for school trips. We have them two nights a week.

I am the higher earner and DH pays me an amount every month to cover his share of the bills. Realistically, he covers a proportionate to salary amount of our bills, the CMS, and I am paying for the extras.

SC’s mum has ramped up her dislike of us since I got pregnant, is telling SC to lie to us, refusing to let us call when she should, is telling SC that we’re mean to her and bad people, and all kinds of rude stuff which is being parroted back (petty things like my hair is ugly or our car is rubbish or I’m too old to have a baby or we’re poor because we shop at Aldi).

AIBU to just stop paying for the extras like trips and uniform, except for what they need for our house? I’ll still pay for their sports and music tuition. She can afford four foreign holidays a year so I don’t think SC would go without.

She’s not paying for EVERYTHING at all.

The ex emails the Op directly asking for the money and then she sends it ….. on top of all the clubs etc that the mum takes credit for? Come on.

Sounds awful OP. I'm sure once she realises she's been blocked you'll get issues, but you sound like you've had enough of her piss taking attitude and I don't blame you.

You shouldn’t be taking care of dsc, you sound nasty and jealous…

the SC are unfortunate to have such an immature mother - no need to make it worse by dragging yourself to her level.
If changes come around the same time as the new sibling, she's likely to associate it with new sibling?

Point 1: She’s abusing the children by slagging their father and you off in front of them, and not sticking to agreed times for contact. That is looked on very negatively by the courts and is grounds for her losing her time with them. Keep a contemporaneous diary of all such activity, together with any independent evidence (e.g, screenshots etc).

Point 2: the CMS amount is intended to include all activities and uniform it is not in addition to. I would assume she profits out of them, and spends the money on herself. In any case with the new child the amount will go down. Use that as an opportunity to reset to the new minimum. And if she complains tell her to cutm8ne fo her holidays out.

😂😂😂

No honestly. You need to find a proper balance but it is hard coz literally they aren’t your children…

you should if not already, « separate » what is given to the step children so you aren’t’ participating in it at all…maybe your hubby will want to pay less activities then?

also…you don’t want to be the reason why the children has less but if yours suffers from the difference then all hell out and get back what is yours ;) sm can work ;)

Are you actually serious??

you’re the ex wife right?!

It isn’t your job to pay for anything at all.

stop doing it, let the child’s father pay for his child.

The parents certainly should be grateful. There’s no way the mother should be biting the hand that looks after her kids. Someone should be having a word

So nasty and jealous she is spending thousands of pounds of her hard earned wages for her step children's activities and intends to continue. What the fuck does that make the mum who spends her money on herself and her childfree holidays rather than on the children she birthed? The mum who, when she does get around to buying something for her children, sends the OP a fucking invoice.

I agree, @DearDenimEagle, I’d be immensely grateful if someone other than myself and my children’s father paid for their activities.

Most parents pay for their children’s activities themselves (unless the children happen to have generous grandparents, for example). The OP is being very kind and generous.

You sound patronising

I can't blame you OP for wanting to stop paying for the extras.
Someone mentioned that they got a solicitor to send a letter to their ex to stop the lies/alienating the children perhaps it's something that you should consider if the vitriol continues.

Why the hatred for a step mum paying for things for her step children? I don’t get it.

Assuming you have a good relationship with their dad keep doing what you’re doing. Forget about receipts! Believe me the SC will realise when they are older.

Try and switch off the noise from the ex wife. She will never change so all you can do is change how you react.

Dont even enter into these conversations with the children, protect them at all costs. They will remember when they are older and wiser that you were kind and did not slag off their mother even when you had every right to!

Good luck x

Hi OP, might it be a good idea to give the older SC a phone? So if SC Mum tries to stop contact you can call them directly?

Because it's not pleasant to have these things said from a child when it's come from their bitter resentful mum.
Not everyone is a 'fuck it couldn't care less' type of person