To stop paying extras for SC because their mum is being horrid?

[Kitchi]

I have two SC. DH and his ex split because she had an affair and moved away. She’s still with the other man, they have a toddler, and the face of it our household lifestyles seem fairly similar. Nobody is struggling, but they have far more spare cash for holidays and days out than we do (we have a mortgage and nursery to pay for, they don’t, she doesn’t work). From what DH says they are likely to be in debt but who knows.

We pay CMS level maintenance plus all uniforms / school clubs / shoes, plus music and sports tuition (not cheap), plus we have traditionally paid everything for school trips. We have them two nights a week.

I am the higher earner and DH pays me an amount every month to cover his share of the bills. Realistically, he covers a proportionate to salary amount of our bills, the CMS, and I am paying for the extras.

SC’s mum has ramped up her dislike of us since I got pregnant, is telling SC to lie to us, refusing to let us call when she should, is telling SC that we’re mean to her and bad people, and all kinds of rude stuff which is being parroted back (petty things like my hair is ugly or our car is rubbish or I’m too old to have a baby or we’re poor because we shop at Aldi).

AIBU to just stop paying for the extras like trips and uniform, except for what they need for our house? I’ll still pay for their sports and music tuition. She can afford four foreign holidays a year so I don’t think SC would go without.

I don’t think you need to pay for anything as your aren’t their mother. But I think your husband’s contribution is separate to the issue of their mother being unpleasant and I would keep it that way - don’t punish kids or put them in the middle. Is your husband willing to step up and take them half of the time? If not, I think extra payment is probably quite appropriate as essentially he has more freedom to work, less childcare etc. It might be looking at finances and seeing what’s feasible for him without you subsidising though? What could he do if he wasn’t with you? I also think he could have a clear conversation about your financial support to his ex and request that she keep opinions and comments to herself as it is unhelpful for her children who really should be centred. Is mediation a possibility? Maybe not considering how you describe her. But the kids are old enough to be told, that comment is unkind and we won’t repeat it in this house.

I have honestly tried my best to build a coparenting relationship between DH and SC’s mum but it’s been impossible. She’s just not a very nice woman.

And the kids are learning how to be as unpleasant as she is. She is trying to cause trouble in your house because if your house is a haven for the kids she knows they will prefer it there as they get older.

Make your home a place of consistency re how people behave and treat each other. Make the kids welcome and provide the activities and days out as a family for all of you so they see they are a valued part of their dad’s new family unit and they can see it isn’t their mum paying for the day out. Take them to buy the school uniform and other clothes so they see their mum doesn’t pay for it. Give them a haven from her unpleasantness.

Why? How does that benefit OP?

Bloody hell, she’s not a cypher who just exists as a third carer for SDC. She is a human being with feelings.

is it remotely possible the kids are making it up? Or exaggerating because they want a reaction? I know of soooooo many situations where children going between two houses tell porkies about the other parent to the one they’re staying with. Some outrageous, some very believable.

I brought up my stepdaughters and paid for everything (sole family breadwinner), including private schools and uni. Their mother paid for one holiday to her country in all the years they lived with me, and nothing else. They are in their 30s now and guess who they treat as their mother now? The kids will see it all and understand, believe me. I never had to point out or say anything.

Why is he paying cm and all the other costs

surely uniform and school trips etx should all be 50/50

Why are you paying for all this??? It’s ridiculous!! How will you afford this as you have children? You’ve both been mugs. If you’re paying the correct Child Maintenance that should be it? Any other requests for % of school trips etc etc should be done via your solicitor.

Fair enough if you are paying for activities whilst the kids are in your care, but all the other extras need to stop.

Your SC are definitely old enough to know that the things they are saying are rude and unkind and should be challenged on them. Even if it's just "That is very rude".
I think it's reasonable, as well, for you to stop paying for the extras. The mum will probably try to blame you for her household having less money but if she already "pays for everything" how can it be your fault?

i think your plan is fine, it’s kind to continue paying for things their pretty shitty mum won’t, for the rest I’d just reply ‘I hear daily from the kids how poor and ugly you think we are, they are lovely kids and you shouldn’t be doing this to them. I am offended and exhausted by the constant vitriol and won’t be paying for these bills you’ve just sent me anymore. I am blocking your email, I don’t see any good reason for you to have it given what you think of me.’

I have considered this but I don’t think so.

On the few occasions where we’ve given SD proof that her mum is lying by showing her an email or receipt, she’s seemed quite shocked and upset. I don’t think she’d be lying about things which are demonstrably untrue.

SS has parroted insults which just don’t seem like things he’d even consider, like when a baby should walk or a preference for a specific expensive car type. He’s usually pretty oblivious to anything which isn’t football so it just doesn’t feel like he’d care enough to make those kind of things up.

I am conscious that SCs do both want to gain our approval by denigrating their mother too sometimes. We both squash that and are neutral to positive about their mum at all times. I can strongly imagine they get positive attention from their mum and her family by insulting us.

Your DH should be communicating with his ex and deciding/agreeing between them, what extras they can afford over and above his cms for their children from their incomes.
He really should also communicate with her every time his children repeat a lie back to him or you, to find out where they are they getting the false information from so that it can be corrected.

I think you should now suggest to your DH that as from next school term you will not be paying for extras for your sc directly out of your account and that with her, he needs to have a meeting to prioritise their children’s extra needs and decide/agree what they can and can not afford between them according to their incomes. Eg school uniform, trips, extra tuition, hobby clubs etc.

You could add that once they have done that and agreed on the basics, you may or may not decide to gift extra lessons to them on the understanding that they know it is a gift and are respectful of that.

By a seven-year-old, really?
Wait till your own kid calls you a that’s extra fun but it will happen.

@LAMPS1 totally agree

It’s sort of crept up on us…

To begin with it was because I wanted to foster a good relationship, she was always friendly to me, and she had a young baby so wasn’t working whilst we didn’t and had the cash as we were both working full time.

But the requests have increased, and now she’s going on four foreign holidays a year (thrice without SC) and not working with a three year old, whilst I’m back to work with a one year old in nursery and going away once (with SC).

It’s not fair anymore.

The OP is already paying more than enough.

If the ex can afford more than one holiday a year abroad, then she can certainly afford to pay for her own children to have school trips.

If the OP continue to pay for all the extras, then she's depriving her own household. She's doing very well paying for the music tuition and football.

I’m glad that you’ve blocked her email.

Tbh @Kitchi, neither parent (your DH nor his ex) is treating you well. They are financially responsible for their children but somehow you are paying for extras out of your salary. Of course, it’s lovely that you want to, but neither parent should expect you to do this. It’s a gift to the children from you and you can stop it at any time.

If the ex sends you any more invoices and you’ve decided that you’re no longer going to gift this money, don’t say “we” or refer to “our household”, make it clear in writing that “I” will no longer be paying these invoices, the money was nothing to do with their father.

If they want any third party to pay for extras for their children, they need to be polite and grateful, just as they would a grandparent, godparent, etc. who provided extras for THEIR children.

Your H needs to cover his CMA, you don't need to. its that simple. if that is not enough the ex can get a job like everyone else.

As far as the sc are concerned you need to reward the positive. Constantly point out and praise when they do something nice or helpful or kind and try and ignore the negative. If they aren’t ever nice or kind then point it in out in other people or on tv You won’t get anywhere in a negative loop. If they want attention then give it when they are being good.

My cousin had something similar in similar circumstances too (paying for things for the step kids when the mother wouldn't but made our she paid for everything). The children were really being told some horrible untruths and cruel jibes and were feeding back innocently. "why does mummy say this, it's not nice is it?" type comments. This was because they wouldn't give her the financial details of their home (again they split because ex wife cheated) and pay more because cousin earns more.

She and her husband took the bull by the horns and told her that the children had told them that she wasn't happy they we paying for a school trip (and that they knew it was coming from her because she had to pay the money to the teacher directly at the time in front of the kids and it caused a conversation with them) and other items and so to follow her terms and wishes they were going to stop paying for the "extras" and so and so needed this amount paying to this account by this date, the other was paid up into the end of the month for this extra and then it would be such and such to this account on this date each month. The first child preferred their uniform trousers from this shop because the other annoyed them with the seams and no pockets etc etc etc. They would pay the main (over the estimate) maintenance and leave the rest to her.

It delivered a massive climb down, an apology that wasn't an apology because it allowed her to say the children had gotten things wrong or has misunderstood to save face and things remained as they were. The children never said anything from that house similar again and things have improved a bit in hand overs too as she's treating them better.

Your husband should feel shame that he doesn't contribute to or provide these opportunities for his children.

WTF? Only the privileged (and high earning) middle classes could come up with a comment like that. Newsflash - loads of parents, together, divorced or whatever, cannot afford violin lessons or football training. There is no shame in not being able to afford luxuries for your children. It would be bl;oody lovely if all these things were available for all children at affordable costs (or free), but they aren't. The "shame" should be reserved for entitled people who think that such luxuries ought to be within the grasp of the vast majority of people and that parents who can't afford them are somehow deficient.

Actually I don't think it is petty. It sounds like your husband is paying more than enough already. How are your finances split? Is it all in one pot or split? I would leave it to your husband to pay what he can afford but equally he should be contributing to your household. You shouldn't be subsidising your SC's lifestyle. That should come from their parents.

AIBU to just stop paying for the extras like trips and uniform, except for what they need for our house? I’ll still pay for their sports and music tuition

Stop paying the extras. The step children have two bio parents who can pay for the music lessons, uniform and school trips. If they can’t afford it then it’s not your problem. Your husband needs to pay half of all the bills and nursery fees.

Op, i will probably be jumped on for this, but these children are not your financial responsibility.

They have two parents. Keep your spare money for your own child as thats what it should be for. Save for your own childs future and expenses. X