To stop paying extras for SC because their mum is being horrid?

[Kitchi]

I have two SC. DH and his ex split because she had an affair and moved away. She’s still with the other man, they have a toddler, and the face of it our household lifestyles seem fairly similar. Nobody is struggling, but they have far more spare cash for holidays and days out than we do (we have a mortgage and nursery to pay for, they don’t, she doesn’t work). From what DH says they are likely to be in debt but who knows.

We pay CMS level maintenance plus all uniforms / school clubs / shoes, plus music and sports tuition (not cheap), plus we have traditionally paid everything for school trips. We have them two nights a week.

I am the higher earner and DH pays me an amount every month to cover his share of the bills. Realistically, he covers a proportionate to salary amount of our bills, the CMS, and I am paying for the extras.

SC’s mum has ramped up her dislike of us since I got pregnant, is telling SC to lie to us, refusing to let us call when she should, is telling SC that we’re mean to her and bad people, and all kinds of rude stuff which is being parroted back (petty things like my hair is ugly or our car is rubbish or I’m too old to have a baby or we’re poor because we shop at Aldi).

AIBU to just stop paying for the extras like trips and uniform, except for what they need for our house? I’ll still pay for their sports and music tuition. She can afford four foreign holidays a year so I don’t think SC would go without.

Now this would mean she’d asked the kids why they said that and hopefully it’ll all unravel to them

If it's your money paying all those extras then I 'd stop paying them, it is mainly your DH's responsibility to pay. If he doesn't have enough income for that, then he should decrease the extras.

I'm not saying it to just take revenge on SC but you need that money for your own kid.

I'm very conscious on what I spend since I had my baby.

However, I think he should have the kids more than 2 nights a week.

Blame the mother then as she split the family and shes the one bad mouthing

Then possibly let their mum know that it’s you who is currently funding these extras, and that if any more vitriol comes back through the children they will stop and you will leave it to her to explain why. Given that ex has told the children that she pays for everything what can she possibly say ?

Yes I would stop paying for extras as I personally wouldn't let anyone take the piss out of me and thats what she's doing.
Pay the CMS + tuition and that's her lot.

We have talked about this but she’s clever and she’s devious. If we went to court for parental alienation she would claim DH is abusive. In the past she has called the police and accused him of being coercively controlling and threatening to her (when she’s refused access or calls for weeks, he has - stupidly - shouted at her down the phone or sent ill-advised texts). All communication is now via email but I know she’d have absolutely no qualms about lying, and getting her family to lie for her too.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c047zq01z0ko.amp

Well I would certainly be grateful if you were the stepmum of my children. In fact, I would be delighted that my children had another adult in their life who clearly cared about them and was committed to them.

I honestly wouldn’t pay anything beyond child maintenance from now on. You have a child of your own. These children have a mum of their own. She can pay for trips and tuition etc for her children, just like you will for your child.

The people on the thread who are criticising you and thinking of the poor children and telling you that you should pay for everything would also be the first to scream that you are nothing to these children and should know your place if you expected a Mother’s Day card, or to go to parents evening or any of the myriad of other things that stepmums get shouted at for. Don’t live your life being the whipping boy to some irrelevant and hostile woman.

And it doesn’t always get better. The kids don’t always grow up and see everything in a different light. In fact, more often this is not the case. They are in a loyalty bind which is perpetuated by their mum.

presumably if she moved away as in the o/p it won’t be possible for them to stay with their dad on a school night due to distance.

She would say they no longer get to do their activities because I am mean to their mum and don’t care about them.

She says that anyway, so it’d make no difference, but I’m not going to take away something they enjoy and which gives them great confidence and identity to get one over on her.

Don’t think that’s fair or accurate. I have pretty much been on all sides and still maintain: if it negatively affects the kids, grow up and absorb it for their sake. The mental health impact on children can be huge and hidden until later on. It’s really not worth for a few hundred quid the OP won’t notice. Also these types of issues raised by the step mum are annoying as it’s really the partner’s issue to handle.

Then blame the mother. The reason for splitting and the bad mouthing is all on her.

This is for you to sort out with your husband. You don’t need to tell mum you aren’t paying for stuff, you need to tell him you aren’t paying for stuff. It’s up to him to decide what to do with that information.

And, stop getting receipts out to prove to his kids their mum is lying. Providing to a young child their mum is lying is a crappy thing to do. This has nothing to do with them, it’s between the adults. If they repeat stuff she says, just keep reinforcing that it’s rude and you don’t want to hear it, or remind them the grown ups work things out amongst themselves and they don’t need to worry about it.

Having someone constantly belittle and insult a stable parental figure they love is damaging for the kids. Being lied to, and told to lie, is damaging to the kids.

and all kinds of rude stuff which is being parroted back (petty things like my hair is ugly or our car is rubbish or I’m too old to have a baby or we’re poor because we shop at Aldi).

Are you sure it’s mum saying this and not just the kids saying it because they’re jealous you’re pregnant?

They’re very childish things for an adult to say and if it’s been since you got pregnant then it could easily be directly from the kids.

DH needs to speak to them about kindness.
Even if they think these things or heard them then they know that they are not kind to say to you.
He needs to tell them about everything that you do do for them.

How has he been handling it so far?

why do you think the OP wouldnt notice a few extra hundred quid?

and people should have to absorb abuse from another person, maybe the mum should be looking at herself and wondering how she can improve her kids lives

Why should he be paying for all their activities? What does their mother pay for their activities? She seems to have got away lightly, one man to support her lifestyle without her having to work and another paying for all of their children's expenses. She's laughing, especially if the OP is being told to take the moral high ground to not upset the children, she doesn't care about the children if she is lying to them about what their father is paying.

And if the SC are fond of OP, how do you think their mother constantly bad mouthing them is going to affect their mental health ? Or indeed the effect on them as adults when they inevitably discover that their mum has been lying to them all this time. The ex is actively trying to alienate the children from their DH and his partner. That’s not on and there’s no reason for OP to facilitate it. And if you read OP’s updates, it’s a lot more than a few hundred quid.

The kids won’t do without because their mum can afford to pay her share of these costs.

All you’re suggesting is appeasing the mum.

I'd absolutely stop.
They're not your mistakes.
You weren't there for the conception you don't have to pay.

Honestly I don't know why anyone breaks themselves over these situations.

“A few hundred quid the op won’t notice”

really? Would you notice a few hundred quid leaving your account every month that you aren’t obliged to pay?

what if it means o/p’s kids can’t do hobbies because she can’t afford it down the line?

over 18 years it will mount up to a lot of money.

from the sounds of it the kids mum is in the same financial boat so she “won’t notice” if it stops coming, will she.

don’t put it on the step mum, blame mum who is willing to stop her kids doing hobbies they enjoy with no thought to their mental health.

Dh paid for his kids to do hobbies. Half the time his ex wouldn’t take them or allow them to go. They turned round once they were older and accused him of “forcing” them to do things they hated.

OP I would stop paying beyond the CMS required payments. It doesn’t sound like she is hard up and she’s being awful telling the kids you don’t pay. You can use your saved money to do nice things with them or buy them stuff when they are with you, that way they know what you are spending on.

I don't think I would stop paying the extras right now because, as you've said, that's likely to get fed back to the kids as "you can't do your activities any more because evil step mum won't let you" or whatever.

But I do think you need to make a very clear budget for the future of how much you are willing to pay per child per month/year on extras. So that when the DSC are old enough to take part in those conversations, you can talk about "if you want to do this, it costs £x much, how can we manage that?"

As you said, hobbies etc get more expensive as children get older - right now you are paying for school trips and violin lessons. Will that still be manageable if it becomes a school trip to America/ski trip and an expensive violin plus Orchestra tour?

Perfect I think this is a great plan!!

I think firstly tackle the behaviour in your home. No way would I put up with any child talking to me like that. That would have to stop. Secondly, don’t pay for anything that’s leaving you out of pocket when she can afford four foreign holidays a year (four???) - no fuck that. Lastly I’d have the discussion now about what your strategy is when the baby arrives, as all this will ramp up and you’ll be in the least frame of mind physically and mentally to deal with their shit. Have a joint plan and stick to it. Good luck!

Yeah it's a great idea to reduce support for them just when you're having a new baby. They definitely won't feel pushed out or replaced or anything.