To stop paying extras for SC because their mum is being horrid?

[Kitchi]

I have two SC. DH and his ex split because she had an affair and moved away. She’s still with the other man, they have a toddler, and the face of it our household lifestyles seem fairly similar. Nobody is struggling, but they have far more spare cash for holidays and days out than we do (we have a mortgage and nursery to pay for, they don’t, she doesn’t work). From what DH says they are likely to be in debt but who knows.

We pay CMS level maintenance plus all uniforms / school clubs / shoes, plus music and sports tuition (not cheap), plus we have traditionally paid everything for school trips. We have them two nights a week.

I am the higher earner and DH pays me an amount every month to cover his share of the bills. Realistically, he covers a proportionate to salary amount of our bills, the CMS, and I am paying for the extras.

SC’s mum has ramped up her dislike of us since I got pregnant, is telling SC to lie to us, refusing to let us call when she should, is telling SC that we’re mean to her and bad people, and all kinds of rude stuff which is being parroted back (petty things like my hair is ugly or our car is rubbish or I’m too old to have a baby or we’re poor because we shop at Aldi).

AIBU to just stop paying for the extras like trips and uniform, except for what they need for our house? I’ll still pay for their sports and music tuition. She can afford four foreign holidays a year so I don’t think SC would go without.

We pay over what he’s obliged to pay and there’s no plan to stop that.

If his ex was in financial difficulties, or I thought stopping paying for the extras would mean SC went without, I wouldn’t do it. But that’s not the case.

It’s either I pay for extras or her household does. As SC get older their expenses are going up and currently she just emails costs to me with the expectation that I’ll pay. I’m not prepared to whilst she’s constantly bad-mouthing me.

We pay over what he’s obliged to pay and there’s no plan to stop that.

I would stop paying over. She can get a job, same as you.

DH needs to pay you more to contribute to mortgage and bills.

I hadn’t thought of this and am interested to hear it worked for you. Something to discuss with DH. Thank you.

It’s not OP’s job to make up for their shitty mum.

@Kitchi I'd be tempted to place stupid and drop her a message along the lines "the kids let me know you are now paying for all their hobbies/uniforms etc. that's great news, it will be a real help for us with baby on the way, we'll adjust the next payment accordingly. Very considerate of you 😊"

Where is your partner is all of this? He needs to step up and parent his children. Make it clear to them that being disrespectful to you is not going to be tolerated. Kids know what they can and can't get away with.

And Absolutely stop paying. Frankly ypu shouldn't have been paying in the first place.

What does your DH say about it? Think he needs to solve this problem and be the one communicating with her about costs and parenting SC not to be so mean. I don't think the kids will be massively going without if you reduced what you pay - thousands a year on tuition is loads that you are already paying. I think trying the letter idea and going for more custody are good ideas

Not always.

unbeknownst to us Dh’s ex was also lying to his kids, telling them we had the affair and split their family up. Absolutely untrue, when we met she already had OM living with her.

also had the narrative that dh didn’t pay for anything and was all about the money. We were stinking rich apparently and refused to pay (their household income was way above ours, plus 1/4 of the mortgage) . He did, and he’d also signed over their London house to her as there was no way she could afford to buy him out.

stepdc are adults now and have gone no contact. They absolutely believe their mums lies and won’t even give dh a chance.

having said that o/p, still not a lot you can do other than wait it out and hope the dc do see sense. Dh’s ex was always very possessive and would stop them seeing us if she felt we were getting on too well.

We do. The youngest just flat out says “no, mummy pays for everything” and the oldest is very skeptical. A few times we’ve got out receipts or emails to prove it, but honestly it feels horrible putting them in that position. Finances should be adult stuff.

We have repeatedly brought it up to their mum by email, as well as when she encourages them to lie to us. It makes no difference.

She emails you the bills?

yeah fuck that. Start ignoring them. What’s she going to do, she can’t force you to pay.

This is very familiar, she also blames us for the separation when actually she had an affair. I think she expected DH to take her back (he had before) but he had met me by the time she got bored, and so she blames me.

SC are very loyal to their mum and she treats them like friends/allies. Unless they go off the rails as teens and she wants us to take over, I imagine they’ll stay very close to her and believe her narrative forever.

It’s either I pay for extras or her household does. As SC get older their expenses are going up and currently she just emails costs to me with the expectation that I’ll pay. I’m not prepared to whilst she’s constantly bad-mouthing me.

I certainly wouldn't be paying her. If the toxic woman's already telling the kids she pays for everything let her get on with it.

Yeah and when they’re older there’ll be phone bills and laptops and driving lessons and all kinds of bigger expenses. Obviously DH will pay what he can afford to these bills but I am no longer willing to reduce my own quality of life to subsidise her.

Put brutally OP, this simply isn't your problem. If you provide them with a loving home and essentials then that is enough. Their parents, between them, need to stump up for the rest. If she believes she is financially superior, let her fork out for the extra stuff.

They probably should be grateful to her as OP isn't either of their parents and is paying for lots of stuff.

I notice that you don't have a word of censure or criticism for the children's mum.

Even though they are only repeating what their mum has said, a seven and nine year old should know that they shouldn't say such rude and unkind things to OP. Her DH should also have a word with them about this.

They should be grateful if OP is personally covering these extra costs. For the mum to be emailing the invoices directly to the SM and still be slagging her off is a damn cheek.

As their mum already tells them that she pays for everything, she now has no leverage when you stop paying for stuff. She can't badmouth you by telling the kids that you have stopped paying, as according to her, you aren't paying anything.

I can't believe that she sends you invoices to pay. I wouldn't pay anything extra over and above the higher than necessary child maintenance payments.

Agree that you shouldn't subsidise her life. It is generous of you to pay for their hobbies, it us not your responsibility.

Don't rise to any of her snipes especially when they get more when you don't pay. Just grey rock her and when the SC repeat any of her rubbish, just agree.....then the wind will be taken out of her sails!

Your DH needs to pull them up on rudeness, but I think otherwise, it's a long game and you need to chip away gently. The realisation that your mum is lying to repeatedly and maliciously you is a very, very painful one, particularly for a dependent child – they will probably instinctively try very, very hard to avoid coming to that conclusion.

With finances, whenever you can, buy things with them, or give them the things in person – uniform, shoes, stuff for hobbies. No fuss, just 'mum mentioned you need new trainers, let's go and get some.' How is school stuff paid for? If it's an online account, does DH have one/is he on the children's and could you pay for it directly that way? Again, keep it light, 'oh, I need to pay for your school trip, I'll just do that now'. If they're curious, they can watch you doing it. If they aren't, remember it's a long game.

I'd gently challenge some of the other stuff, almost in the same way you might if they were parroting what a school friend said. Why is our car rubbish? It has space for all of us and gets us where we need to be. Yes, Aldi is cheaper than some other supermarkets, but we're happy with the food we get there, and that means there's more money for other things. Different families make different choices with their money. And so on.

Why are you paying this?

Dear Mum
Kids say you're going to pay for all uniforms, school trips clothes etc going forward. Thank you so much, this is a burden on our household, as you know we are not financially well off, I even have to shop in Aldi. Really appreciate only having to pay the CMS and tuition.
Lots of love
OP

Which he’s not only more than meeting, but OP is shouldering some of the cost too. To be insulted daily via the children you’re helping to support must be very hard to swallow, but rather than putting the kids in the middle, I think I’d be encouraging their dad to look at what action he can take via the courts to stop the parental alienation from the ex. To that end I’d also be making notes of what is said and when.

I really don’t think that the kids should be put in the middle of all of this, and definitely shouldn’t lose the things OP pays for but, I’d be tempted to communicate to the ex that if any more lies come back through the children, not only will action be taken through the courts for parental alienation but that OP will be rethinking the extras that she pays for and leaving it to ex to explain to the children why they can no longer do them - a very difficult conversation in view of the fact that she’s told them she pays for it all.

I don't blame you, DH can pay for the extras if he wants.

Because I want to and because the children love it. DH can’t afford to pay for them and their mum thinks it’s a waste of time (they don’t do any activities on her time, it’s via us or school).

Honestly, I'd limit what you fund to whatever you won't feel resentful about. But I would have done this however the mother behaved. You shouldn't be funding the lifestyle for someone else's kids unless you really want to. Just stop. Let the two parents fund whatever the children need and what they want them to have. Tell them you've run out of money.