To stop paying extras for SC because their mum is being horrid?

[Kitchi]

I have two SC. DH and his ex split because she had an affair and moved away. She’s still with the other man, they have a toddler, and the face of it our household lifestyles seem fairly similar. Nobody is struggling, but they have far more spare cash for holidays and days out than we do (we have a mortgage and nursery to pay for, they don’t, she doesn’t work). From what DH says they are likely to be in debt but who knows.

We pay CMS level maintenance plus all uniforms / school clubs / shoes, plus music and sports tuition (not cheap), plus we have traditionally paid everything for school trips. We have them two nights a week.

I am the higher earner and DH pays me an amount every month to cover his share of the bills. Realistically, he covers a proportionate to salary amount of our bills, the CMS, and I am paying for the extras.

SC’s mum has ramped up her dislike of us since I got pregnant, is telling SC to lie to us, refusing to let us call when she should, is telling SC that we’re mean to her and bad people, and all kinds of rude stuff which is being parroted back (petty things like my hair is ugly or our car is rubbish or I’m too old to have a baby or we’re poor because we shop at Aldi).

AIBU to just stop paying for the extras like trips and uniform, except for what they need for our house? I’ll still pay for their sports and music tuition. She can afford four foreign holidays a year so I don’t think SC would go without.

@Daisyvodka I agree with you , otherwise I would tell the mother unless she stops lying that you will stop the extras and let him take them on a couple of nice trips a year with that money -

The ex can’t afford four holidays, can she? She’s not paying for them.

Courage! I wouldn’t pay a penny above the court-ordered level plus what’s reasonable during their time with your family. It’s a lesson to the kids as well - if you insult people (whether or not you repeat something that you overhear), don’t expect them to pay for your music lessons, even if you’re the new Paganini. And don’t expect warm attitude. You reap what you sow. I sense that on your and DH’s side there are some difficult feelings relating to this divorce, but I strongly believe that we’re doing kids a disservice if we’re condoning insults.

Because often it’s prefaced with “Mummy says…”

Some of it doesn’t even make sense. SD was saying curly hair (like mine) is ugly yet her best friend, who she adores, has curly hair too. Their car is a more fancy model than ours, but SC have complained about the lack of legroom in theirs so I really don’t think they’d come up with thinking it’s rubbish.

It’s come to a head this weekend because I am doing our budget for the new financial year and want to be able to save more. Also I was asked to take SS to a match last minute on Monday and the whole car ride he was saying that there must be something wrong with our baby as he isn’t walking yet (he’s perfectly fine and younger than SC were when they walked) and maybe he’s stupid. SS is 7, he loves his brother, and I know he wouldn’t have a clue when babies walk so this something he’s heard.

I’ve had enough of it. I’m blocking her email, and correcting SC more firmly from now on. You reap what you sow.

Your step kids have two parents, their costs should be met by them. Your kids have two parents, you’re taking money and opportunities from them to invest in your husband’s kids with someone else. That’s completely mad. It would be even if their mum was a decent person who was grateful for your support. She’s not, she’s a nasty cow, so you have literally nothing to gain from continuing as you are and plenty to gain from stopping.

We had these problems when my DSC were a similar age. DH was paying maintenance, spousal and all childcare costs and she lied through her teeth. He repeatedly, calmly, challenged untrue things they said and in time it stopped.

Yes, whilst I can see both sides of the arguments here, since "she pays for everything" already then you aren't denying the children anything. It isn't your responsibility anyway. I feel sorry for the children, but she is the one playing games here, and you have your own bills and responsibilities - which will soon be increasing anyway. Your OH pays his CMS, and anything on top of that should be things that you give them, and the children see you pay for them. You don't need to make a mountain out of it - simply what you choose to provide over what must be provided, you and their dad personally hand over.

I think her and your Dh need to sit down and have a discussion about costs. It sounds like both of them are living beyond their means and expecting their partners to pay for their kids. There needs to be a budget that they can afford and they need to stick to it.

I’m happy to pay for SC when they’re in my home and for opportunities they wouldn’t otherwise get - one is now a talented violinist (I play too) and the other is very devoted to football, and neither would had these interests supported by anyone else.

Your husband should feel shame that he doesn't contribute to or provide these opportunities for his children. It's great that you are able to do so and willing to do it but perhaps that is what is causing the ire. You're upfront and personal and the ex wife does not like that. She's using the children to get to your husband - and at you. You don't deserve that.

I would dial right back as you've said. Your husband should also speak to his children's mum and tell her to back right off. Let him have all the unpleasant exchanges, this isn't your fight.

The OP isn't questioning that

It's the 'extras' that she's paying for that the former wife is lying about

Are you really advising that OPs husband stops work so he doesn’t have to pay maintenance ?

Admittedly , it sounds like he’s paying too much but to go to 0 is unfair . The children will ultimately suffer

No, that is just completely unacceptable. Why is your DH not sticking up for you more?

Some posters here think taking the moral high ground means having to force yourself to become immune to unreasonable levels of abuse and boundary violations in order to reap the long-term 'reward' of your step children not hating you when they reach adulthood.

It's okay to put your own peace and emotional and psychological wellbeing first. Your job is not to rescue these children from their parents. It's their bad luck of birth and their parents' poor choice of each other that they are stuck with a mother who wants to use them as pawns to hurt you, and a father who is passive enough to let her.

And all the time, you are obliged to fork out for the privilege of being undermined and slandered in your own home.

Fuck that.

Think it's more a case of re-evaluating finances rather than getting back at the mother and her nasty attitude.
Definitely some good suggestions here ie solicitors letter about her behaviour. Possibly apply to have them more of the time to try and dilute her negative influence.
Do you need to involve SS, as her behaviour could be considered emotionally abusive......
Possibly consider some counselling for the children to cope with the impact of their mother's behaviour...

Communication about the children and costs should be between the two parents. Step parents can be cc’d but the discussion should primarily be between the parents. your DH is transferring his parental responsibility to you.

The kids’ mum is treating her kids to activities then mailing you the billl? Stop that. Your DH should set out the CMS maintenance plus whatever he is willing to pay on top for music, sports, clothes etc and then say that anything else needs to be funded by her or discussed before the kids are told yes.

Kids badmouthing you in your own home? He needs to step in and put a stop to that. Clearly outline what will and will not be tolerated with the consequences.

it sounds like your DH is not actively parenting his kids. You have a DH problem as much as you have a problem with your step kids’ mum.

YOU shouldn’t be paying - they aren’t your children. But I do get that you’re a family and that’s how things work in marriage.

With paying maintenance plus all clubs , trips and uniform , you’re paying too much. I’m all for saying men should pay for their children but so should the Mum too. What is she paying for , aside from when they are with her ?

However, you may now have set a certain standard of living for the children and withdrawing it all would affect them? However - I wouldn’t think you were cruel to stop. As long as maintenance still being paid and I would think a contribution to extra costs ( she does have the children the majority of the time so help ( help , not all ) with uniforms, trips etc you - sorry , your DH - should still provide ) .

Or - if you still carry on , then I would give the uniform to the children when they come and say “ here you go we have got you uniform” I would also be petty and have them present to comments such as “oh I need to go to the bank to get the money out for your club” , “ Oh no I can’t get the app working to pay for your school trip I’ll have to call the school “ ….

Next time I got an email I’d reply, ‘The kids told me that you are paying for everything now, so I’ll leave you to deal with this. Well done for stepping up - they don’t believe me when I tell them I pay for it anyway 😂’

Nasty comment.

I don’t think YWBU. You’re keeping up with the optional extras, and I’d be heaping on the “well seeing as I pay for them, I expect to come to the recitals [whatever]”. The rest sounds like stuff they need: uniforms, school shoes etc. You messed up in that you’ve gone on to have a child with a man who can’t afford three kids, but your priority is to YOUR child. The SC have two parents neither of whom is pulling their weight. Of all the people who could contribute, why is it you? It should be their parents, just like you owe it to your child. And why isn’t the SC’s step-dad paying for any of this?

You’ve been taken for a mug, mostly by your DH but he’s probably nice to you and he’s the father of your child and you probably have a blind spot where he’s concerned because you want him in your life. But definitely by the ex-wife. Just stop paying for the extras. Not your financial burden to bear.

About DH being too passive, this has been a boiled frog situation that’s developed over the past year and a half.

When we first got together, relations were bad between DH and his ex, with her doing things that are deliberately provocative (withholding and changing access at the last minute, refusing to let him speak to them for weeks on end whilst telling them he doesn’t care about them, refusing to let SC go to their aunt’s wedding, things like that) which ended up in arguments between them, which she then called the police about accusing him of being abusive. I was seriously concerned that things would escalate so took over a lot of the communication, formalised everything, and things were calm for years.

Since she found out I was pregnant this behaviour has started and has continually escalated. We’ve been taking a soft approach - entirely at my behest - because I thought it’d die down once she got bored of it, but it hasn’t.

I have honestly tried my best to build a coparenting relationship between DH and SC’s mum but it’s been impossible. She’s just not a very nice woman.

Why do you care ?

You know the truth.

As hard as it is I think the best strategy is to play the long game and be the better person.

I would get your DH to say that due to costs, he will continue to pay the maintenance (and sports/music fees if you want), but other stuff will have to be halved. If she's already saying she pays for it all, the kids will continue thinking that.
My ex told my child that he paid for all her things (including my bills...). He doesn't pay what the CMS suggest he should and has never paid a penny towards anything else. They're older now and I happily correct her when she says things he's said.

Because it’s not very nice to be continually insulted in your own home?!

I think you should stop paying.
In this case it's not about the children as someone else (their mum or her new husband) will pay for the activities.
So at the moment you are basically funding their mother through her children. This was fine while you were all getting along, but now her actions are causing you distress, so you should stop funding her.

I wouldn't be paying for someone else's children full stop. Just stop paying for the extras.

They should be grateful to her. She's paying for opportunities that the stepchildren wouldn't otherwise have.