To stop paying extras for SC because their mum is being horrid?

[Kitchi]

I have two SC. DH and his ex split because she had an affair and moved away. She’s still with the other man, they have a toddler, and the face of it our household lifestyles seem fairly similar. Nobody is struggling, but they have far more spare cash for holidays and days out than we do (we have a mortgage and nursery to pay for, they don’t, she doesn’t work). From what DH says they are likely to be in debt but who knows.

We pay CMS level maintenance plus all uniforms / school clubs / shoes, plus music and sports tuition (not cheap), plus we have traditionally paid everything for school trips. We have them two nights a week.

I am the higher earner and DH pays me an amount every month to cover his share of the bills. Realistically, he covers a proportionate to salary amount of our bills, the CMS, and I am paying for the extras.

SC’s mum has ramped up her dislike of us since I got pregnant, is telling SC to lie to us, refusing to let us call when she should, is telling SC that we’re mean to her and bad people, and all kinds of rude stuff which is being parroted back (petty things like my hair is ugly or our car is rubbish or I’m too old to have a baby or we’re poor because we shop at Aldi).

AIBU to just stop paying for the extras like trips and uniform, except for what they need for our house? I’ll still pay for their sports and music tuition. She can afford four foreign holidays a year so I don’t think SC would go without.

OP doesn't lose any morality points by not spending her own money on things she doesn't have to.

This.

You sound quite conflicted OP.
You really don’t want to see your DSC go without and yet you realise you can’t keep paying and they are taking advantage of your good will.
Your DH is wrong to have let this continue. He’s also taking advantage of your kind generosity and I’m sorry to say that you are also wrong to have let it go this far.

You should give your DH and his ex warning that the money stream will stop at the end if this term (or when you think is reasonable)
Your DSC are learning there audacity from their mum and your own child will follow their example if you aren’t careful.

It’s tricky and the only way out is to withdraw with sufficient warning to allow them to sort out priorities for the children and decide/agree how to move forward. Keep it formal.

Dont allow the children to be disrespectful to you under any circumstances.
Their mum demands that you spoil them and she takes all the credit.
You need to get a handle on it quickly.

You don't have to pay anything over what he's obliged to pay. You don't have to pay for anything for the kids, you are not financially responsible for them. Let their parents take care of that.
It's also unfair of posters to tell you dont let it get to you as they are just kids but I don't think even a parent would be ok with their children insulting them.

If your DH can't afford the extra's as well as contributing to your household, then don't pay - it is not your responsibility.
If you're expecting your own child, you need to give notice that certain things are going to stop. Your own DC will come first (for you). Unfortunately you've been far too lenient and it will likely bite you on the bum and used against you.

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Leave her to it. She can pay for her kids, you need to focus on paying for yours now.

I think you really need to stop worrying about hypotheticals like your DSC getting jealous in 10 years when your child has piano lessons. Trust me, I've walked this same exact path and it was not worth it.

Extra curriculars for the children and their feelings about any imbalance in parenting are not your concern. They are the concern of your husband. And the children will have different experiences - that's fine. They have different mothers. They know this and won't be surprised!

I'm glad you are stopping contact with ex as that was a fools errand. The ex may have acted more calm with you, because she was getting what she wanted. She probably saw your will to please and good intentions and took the full piss out of them. She's not stupid, as you say. She knows her children are the responsibility of her and DH. Sure she might be nice when it benefits her. That does not mean she will not turn on you the second it benefits her. I've learnt this the hard way.

You've seen how she behaves. Better to learn the lesson now and have very strong boundaries. You actually never have to speak to this woman again. You didn't have kids with her! Your DH needs to take responsibility, both financially and in terms of managing contact. And managing the difference between his children's lives and how he guides them all through it. You can't do it for him, no matter how well meaning you are.

Sorry if that all sounded harsh. I'm speaking for years of experience very similar to yours. I realised down the line quite how much I'd had the piss taken out of my good nature. If I can help prevent you dealing with that forever I will try!

Don’t stoop to her level. I fully agree with you that she’s an absolute dickhead for harming her children like this- and it is harmful to them to turn them against their other parent- but they will come to realise what she says is bollocks and they’ll need their dad to be there for them.

100%

You know she's toxic.

Before blocking. I would set up a separate email address for ex to contact dh and tell her you will check that once a week. I would also say going forward that she will need to contact dh if things need brought and he will take the kids shopping and you won't be transferring any money.

For the mummy says

Id go tinkling laugh and say well everyone has different opinions sweetie. Me and you dad love you.

My child's father doesn't pay for his nursery or any activities and thinks I should be able to feed a toddler on £10 a week and therefore I actually owe him money as he's over paid by following child maintenance formula (even though it's less than half the nursery fees!)! I cannot stand him or his nasty attitude and I will bitch about him to any friend who'll listen but one thing I will never do is expose my child to any info about conflicts over finances or ever know that paying for things for him caused me stress or upset .

Dad needs to write to her saying how harmful and inappropriate she is being. Not that someone who has affairs probably cares what's appropriate or not but still.

I think hanging onto receipts is helpful for your own sanity to be honest as and children get older he can start to tell them he does pay for things.

I think your DH also needs to have a stern word with children about repeating unkind things that they've heard to someone else. Although remember this is just them being confused and feeling guilty they're holding it in and wanting you as adults do deal with these feelings for them.

Ps I think it's very kind you're paying anything at all towards step kids I don't think I would unless they were starving

That suggestion is frankly immoral.

Again, interesting to hear the mentality though isnt it?

OP l think at some point l would have to tell the kids that the extras they enjoy are paid for by you, and that if the insulting comments don’t stop, these activities will. Anything else is rewarding the behaviour. You need to demonstrate that where these privileges are concerned, it’s you who is in complete control of whether or not they continue, not their mother.

You only have them 2 days a week, so your husband should be paying for those things. It's neither here nor there how much money they have, the sc are your husband's kids so he should pay for them

In any case why is this not your husband problem to solve?

I feel sorry for these children, stuck in the middle olf these petty squabbling adults. I guess their just an inconvenience to both you and your husbands ex who only want to support your new babies.

Try reading the OP and updates properly. If OP only wanted to support her own baby she wouldn’t be paying out thousands for music lessons and sports coaching for the DC if she didn’t have to. You’ve completely twisted OP’s situation to paint her as the wicked stepmother, when the exact opposite is true.

General rule of thumb: don't pay for anything for SKs that you wouldn't be happy to continue paying for, or their parents wouldn't be able to afford to continue, if your relationship with their parent ended. Start gradually withdrawing your regular financial support until it reaches the acceptable level, & that level is £0. No reason why you can't treat them (e.g. give them a year's music lessons for their birthday, because that IS a gift from you & they should know that) or help out occasionally, but your money shouldn't be relied upon or taken for granted by cuckoos.

Only advice I can give is be the bigger person. You can't control what their mother says but you can stop yourself reacting to it. Be lighthearted when they parrot something she has said - divert the conversation or gently give your point of view if relevant. She's abusing her own children by her behaviours in maligning you and your husband. One day they'll hopefully see that if you continue to behave well and don't stoop to her level.

As OP pays for their expensive hobbies out of her own money and will continue to do this, your mean judgement couldn't be more misplaced.

Have you even read the thread???? You’re just being ridiculous. The OP is literally paying for EVERYTHING for kids that are not HERS. There is nothing ‘poor souls’ about this that is remotely the OPs problem. Their mum however, she’s the one with the problem.

Sounds like there's trouble in her Paradise and she's taking it out on you. I wouldn't be paying anything. You are very altruistic to do so and a better person than me.x