To stop paying extras for SC because their mum is being horrid?

[Kitchi]

I have two SC. DH and his ex split because she had an affair and moved away. She’s still with the other man, they have a toddler, and the face of it our household lifestyles seem fairly similar. Nobody is struggling, but they have far more spare cash for holidays and days out than we do (we have a mortgage and nursery to pay for, they don’t, she doesn’t work). From what DH says they are likely to be in debt but who knows.

We pay CMS level maintenance plus all uniforms / school clubs / shoes, plus music and sports tuition (not cheap), plus we have traditionally paid everything for school trips. We have them two nights a week.

I am the higher earner and DH pays me an amount every month to cover his share of the bills. Realistically, he covers a proportionate to salary amount of our bills, the CMS, and I am paying for the extras.

SC’s mum has ramped up her dislike of us since I got pregnant, is telling SC to lie to us, refusing to let us call when she should, is telling SC that we’re mean to her and bad people, and all kinds of rude stuff which is being parroted back (petty things like my hair is ugly or our car is rubbish or I’m too old to have a baby or we’re poor because we shop at Aldi).

AIBU to just stop paying for the extras like trips and uniform, except for what they need for our house? I’ll still pay for their sports and music tuition. She can afford four foreign holidays a year so I don’t think SC would go without.

You’re a mug. Why are you paying for someone else’s kids? I’ve got step kids. Paying for them is nothing to do with me. They’ve got two parents to pay for them. Why do they need a third? All my money goes on my share of the bills, myself and my own children. Dh sorts his others but not at the detriment of our children together. It’s his job to split his money between all his kids. What kind of man allows a woman to pay for kids he’s spawned with someone else? Bizarre. You shouldn’t be throwing anything into the pot for his. You didn’t get her pregnant. Your priority is your own kid.

SS has parroted insults which just don’t seem like things he’d even consider, like when a baby should walk or a preference for a specific expensive car type. He’s usually pretty oblivious to anything which isn’t football so it just doesn’t feel like he’d care enough to make those kind of things up.

I have a 7 year old. He comes home with all sorts of rubbish I wouldn't expect from school these days, so it's hardly outside the realms of possibility.

But at any rate, punishing the children to send a message to the mum is ridiculous and concerning. What should actually be happening is your husband dealing with it - first, directly with the children (how would he normally deal with naughty behaviour, or does he just not do tit?) and secondly by being the main contact with the ex and dealing with it from the source. You shouldn't need to be speaking with her at all.

Stop paying. If their mum and dad refuse to pay then it’s their fault. Don’t be guilt tripped.

The vitriol from their mum has to stop - did you try to explain that the kids have told you she has said horrible things?

But the comment about her paying for everything … maybe she “feels” like she is paying for everything as she is reckoning up differently to you , especially if she doesn’t value the football or music (you mentioned she isn’t bothered about it).

eg Perhaps she thinks 4 holidays a year is equivalent to the extra curriculars you pay for.

I would jump in with an email “I’m hearing via the kids that you are unhappy about dh contribution, and also the kids are repeating unkind comments you have made about me and dh which is unfair - it’s messing with their heads and their right to a good relationship with their dad, so I’m appealing to you to please stop yourself from making so many negative comments in front of the kids. Regarding the finances - we keep track of all our additional spending on activities, uniforms, trips, bills and other costs for the kids. Would it help if we each pooled our financial records so we could all see more clearly the cost of looking after the kids and agree together what is a reasonable share? I’d like to be able to continue paying for the violin and football from my salary, but if you think this money is being misspent I’d be happy to discuss it with you and then perhaps together we could explain to the kids that in order for them to have frequent holidays with mum, the money on extracurricular activities needs to be reallocated to other costs such as your clothes and dental treatment (or whatever) and so mum has asked for those activities to stop so dh and I can pay for some of the day to day cost.s.”

@KitchiYOU should not be paying for anything for his kids. What their dad wants to do is his business. If THEIR MUM wants them to have more things then SHE can get a job to pay for it.

( people will be along shortly to call you the wicked witch of the west I’m sure 🤣)

If you are in the UK, your dh child maintenance with go down when you have your new baby. The CMS, will adjust the payements when you inform them of your child's birth. I had similar issues as you, the lies the ex wife said were very nasty and caused us so much pain. Your new baby deserves as much as the sc, don't feel guilty because of it....Good luck in sorting this mess out that's none of your making...

Agreed. My late husband and I were in a similar situation though his ex acquired her boyfriend after the kids had grown and left home.

My experience is that being the better person just leaves yourself open to yet another kicking.

Does she also think that school trips are a waste of time? Whether or not she does, in your shoes I'd definitely stop paying for the trips.

I’m not willing to pool finances with my husband’s ex. Of her four foreign holidays this year, three have been without SC.

SC are not academic or confident children and their sports and music tuition has really changed their outlook, confidence and self-belief. It is my gift to them to pay for their tuition and I’m not cutting that to pay for basics their mum should be covering.

Yanbu, and being the bigger person is overrated. In this situation, they just see you as a mug, and that never changes.

They’re not for you to support; that’s for their parents

There’s living proof on this thread that you’re wrong.

This. Absolutely all of this.

As I've said in a previous post, my husband's kids were adults when their mum acquired a boyfriend. My late DH finally cracked one day and tried to tell his now middle-aged daughter the truth. Her response was "I don't want to know that."

No, she’s always signed them up for school trips and I think she’d pay if she had to (or her partner / parents would). She cares a lot about her image and not going on trips would affect that.

Depends if you think it was worth it. I don’t.

Then stop. All of it. Make her come begging for it. And the kids will see that Mum can’t afford it, and it’s actually been SM funding. And they will have to stop calling you ugly and poor if they want you to fund.

I don't think you should be paying for any of this in the first place.

I think DH should pay CMS and then think about what else he can afford to pay for out of his own money after bills, while also contributing appropriately to your household.

You shouldn't be absorbing/making up for the costs of his kids. That's his responsibility.

She emails you directly? “Sorry Deborah, no can do. I’m too poor—still trying to get my own poor self by with my old car and my weekly Aldi shop.”

Or ‘f-off , stop emailing me and get a job’

Just be careful. Latterly, I thought that I was getting on better with my late husband's ex. In our case, the kids were adults when she acquired her boyfriend, but she still managed to manipulate things.

(The final time that I had a conversation with the DIL, even she described the ex as 'jealous and controlling' - over the DIL's relationship with the son.)

The ex had me fooled. I actually thought that we were building a civilised relationship. I was wrong.

Not only would I be refusing to pay I would be blocking her email and number as well. I don’t speak to dh’s ex. It’s his job to deal with her. You’re just opening yourself up to a shit load of issues.

Then it’s high time she stood on her own two feet to fund the face-saving trips, rather than forwarding the invoice to you.

I wouldn't be paying for any of it. It's not your responsibility.

Tell the Mother to have one less holiday a year and pay for it herself.

You need to let her know that everything she says about you is being fed back and that since she has no respect for you, you have no reason to pay extras for her kids.

This made me laugh!

I guess it’s all down to priorities and values. I’m happy with my cheap car and Aldi wine, paying for music and sports tuition and having some savings. She’s happy with her expensive tastes and probable credit card debt.

It’s tough for kids to be raised where there’s a difference in values between their homes. But whilst I’m happy to support SC, I’m not happy to support their unpleasant mother too.

Good. Then she can pay for them.

No, don't punish the kids. Your partner is likely lapping this up, you two fighting it out whilst one financially carries him through life and the other looks after his DC whilst he waltzes in now and again to play Disney Dad and throw some of his wife's money at them.