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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dubai move or divorce

416 replies

Klaudea · 23/04/2025 21:37

Maybe the title is a bit clickbait-y.

But I’m really needing support. Since I first met my husband there has always been compromises to our relationship. Dh is an airline pilot. So basically our whole lives revolve around his schedule. Really didn’t bother me when we were dating and before we had a child. But all of a sudden I am completely resentful and can’t really stomach it. I think being at home with a young baby has left me feeling very vulnerable. Whereas before the baby I sort of made sure I had things to do and kept myself very busy (gym, socialising etc) regardless of what dh was doing.

But I’m so sick of our dinners, evenings and lives just revolving around dh and his schedule. I want to scream when dh tells me he will be having an early night and please do your best to keep the noise down with the dog and baby. Sometimes we’re eating dinner at 4:45pm cause dh needs to be in bed. I just end up sitting at home alone crying on the sofa. It’s awful.

In all transparency I have had a fairly bad dose of the baby blues. But am coming out of it.

I am on maternity leave and tbh was very seriously considering being a SAHM. But I’m going crazy.

I told dh I can’t live like this anymore. Im going crazy. Im a slave to the house, baby and dh. I am not presenting my own life.

Dh has suggested we make the move to the ME (he had an offer from an airline out there last year but he turned it down af my request) where we could afford to get a lot more help - ie cleaner, nanny etc. I just can’t keep doing what we are doing. It’s Groundhog Day.

I told dh I was so naive and didn’t think about how his job would really work with a family. I thought I would carry on making myself busy and being independent. I really think I would be happier divorced.

I don’t even like the ME.

please offer any advice

I am a decently paid professional. I could certainly support myself if needed. The idea of joint custody and husband having to figure out 50% of childcare seems like the only way I would get any equality in the relationship. I’m just a doormat right now.

I never used to break down crying and that’s all I do these days

OP posts:
cryinglaughing · 23/04/2025 21:40

Hang on in there until your maternity leave is over before making any decisions. You may feel differently when you're back at work.

Do not move to Dubai.

PlanetOtter · 23/04/2025 21:42

Divorce.

Personally, I think Dubai is fcking awful (I’ve lived in the gulf, but not there). Leave aside the political issues, it’s tacky and transient.

Some people love it! But thats not you.

So you risk crying on your sofa on your own… thousands of miles away from everyone you love, in a place that makes you want to vomit. That’s got to be worse than any other option.

Singleaftermarriage · 23/04/2025 21:44

Could he go part time so he is home more and takes up some of the slack?
Could he really do 50/50 if his job is the way it is?
Any finally, don't be a SAHM. You are then completely vulnerable if you do divorce

Original poster
Klaudea · 23/04/2025 21:44

Dh does his best to be considerate but so much of what bothers me is just baked in.

OP posts:
BendingSpoons · 23/04/2025 21:46

Do not leave him assuming it will make him responsible for 50% of the childcare. You can't make him see your DC and he would probably be asking to see his DC around the shift patterns.

I would go back to work with whatever childcare you need and then work out what you want. Maternity leave can be hard going and relentless even without the shift work. If you were working, would there be enough money for a cleaner? Is your DH helping with some of the chores at home?

FionnulaTheCooler · 23/04/2025 21:46

Moving to Dubai isn't going to magically fix the fact that you feel unsupported by him, having a cleaner and nanny isn't a substitute for a loving, supportive partner. Do you have a good family and friends support network here? I think if you do decide to divorce you should prepare for the possibility that he may not be willing to do shared custody and the main bulk of it will fall to you. I'm not saying it's right but a lot of men choose to walk away from their responsibilities knowing the mother will have no choice but to pick up the slack.

HappyHedgehog247 · 23/04/2025 21:46

There's no guarantee he would take DC 50% of the time.

Don't move to ME if you don't like it.

How old is baby? There are other options to get a bit more of your other parts of your identity back. Return to work or find an alternative job, get an au pair, get a babysitter when DH is off etc etc. Does he pull his weight when he has time off?

Original poster
Klaudea · 23/04/2025 21:46

Sometimes I think husband hides behind his job as a way of just getting what he wants. I hate to say it. But sometimes I feel manipulated and gaslight

OP posts:
JustTalkToThem · 23/04/2025 21:47

How’s treatment for your PPD going?

ColinOfficeTrolley · 23/04/2025 21:47

Weighing up living by my family and friends, would far outweigh getting a nanny and a cleaner half way across the world.

I imagine it would be a lonely existence.

I wouldn't move to a country with such backwards attitudes, for all it's bling. It's all fur coat and no knickers and I imagine, completely soulless.

Ohisitjustme · 23/04/2025 21:47

If you move to Dubai, and then decide to separate, would you legally be allowed to bring your child home? Or could he insist you stay? I think that's definitely worth checking out.

I would not move to Dubai anyway

Original poster
Klaudea · 23/04/2025 21:49

Dh is selling Dubai as if it will be the answer to all our problems. And I’m the bad guy for not going ahead with the perfect solution

OP posts:
FedupofArsenalgame · 23/04/2025 21:49

PlanetOtter · 23/04/2025 21:42

Divorce.

Personally, I think Dubai is fcking awful (I’ve lived in the gulf, but not there). Leave aside the political issues, it’s tacky and transient.

Some people love it! But thats not you.

So you risk crying on your sofa on your own… thousands of miles away from everyone you love, in a place that makes you want to vomit. That’s got to be worse than any other option.

So she gets divorced and is sitting on a sofa crying anyway but is a single parent to boot. He's not going to be able or even willing to look after the kid 50/50. He may not end up seeing it at all then she will be even worse off

Mum2jenny · 23/04/2025 21:50

Dubai is very unlikely to solve your problems, but you may find it hard to return to the UK with your child if you go there. pls check it out before you go.

Hoppinggreen · 23/04/2025 21:50

Divorce for sure
If you move there and it doesn't solve all your problems (it won't) you will be in a much worse position than you are now

PullTheBricksDown · 23/04/2025 21:50

Absolutely do not move to Dubai. Terrible move if your relationship has cracks as you and the baby could be stuck there if things go wrong.

It doesn't sound good but how much scope is there to really shift some of these things? Eg eating dinner at 4.45 - I just wouldn't do that. If he wanted an early night he could eat a ready meal or supermarket pizza and take himself off to bed with some earplugs. Why do you and the baby have to fall in line?

Original poster
Klaudea · 23/04/2025 21:51

JustTalkToThem · 23/04/2025 21:47

How’s treatment for your PPD going?

I am under the care of a psychiatrist and have been doing well with IPT plus meds

OP posts:
sunnydayswim · 23/04/2025 21:52

Klaudea · 23/04/2025 21:46

Sometimes I think husband hides behind his job as a way of just getting what he wants. I hate to say it. But sometimes I feel manipulated and gaslight

Is this the real issue here?

Original poster
Klaudea · 23/04/2025 21:55

Husband is besotted with the baby. I know he would step up and fulfil his responsibilities. I just don’t see how I can live a life where my needs are just never considered. I was totally fine living quite independently from husband before the baby - it worked very well but it’s totally untenable now. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror

OP posts:
Rhaidimiddim · 23/04/2025 21:55

Do not move away from what you know.

You'll be moving to a place you don't know, with a very different culture, no friends or family. But still the shit husband. And all kinds of legal raminifactions, if you settle as a family, if you don't like it there and want to move back WITH YOUR CHILD.

Rather, lose the useless selfish fuck of a DH, and hold on to your financial independence.

BirthdeighParteigh · 23/04/2025 21:56

Hold on… you’ve got some options in between those. How old is baby?

Get some domestic help in, childcare and get back to work as soon as you feel able. Then start building your life and structure around you and your child - not your husband. Make him slot in around your life, not the other way round.

Obviously don’t go to Dubai - but get your life back on an even keel before burning down your marriage.

meganorks · 23/04/2025 21:57

I would hate it too, so i can understand how you aree feeling. Don't go to Dubai. Do go back to work.

But honestly, do you think it would be 50/50 if you divorced? It absolutely wouldn't.

I think you need to talk to your DH about him changing his work patterns or what you will do when you go back to work.

Original poster
Klaudea · 23/04/2025 21:58

BirthdeighParteigh · 23/04/2025 21:56

Hold on… you’ve got some options in between those. How old is baby?

Get some domestic help in, childcare and get back to work as soon as you feel able. Then start building your life and structure around you and your child - not your husband. Make him slot in around your life, not the other way round.

Obviously don’t go to Dubai - but get your life back on an even keel before burning down your marriage.

our mortgage is just ridiculous, we really can’t afford much help

baby is just about to turn 6 months

OP posts:
Withoutfearorfavour · 23/04/2025 22:01

How will he manage 50-50 if he’s juggling this current job? Far more likely will be 90% 10% with his job coming first and probably his social life coming in second

Fidgety31 · 23/04/2025 22:02

He won’t be doing 50 per cent of childcare if he is divorced from you and a pilot.
you can’t force someone to be a parent .

likelihood is you’ll be left doing the majority of it all and he will just turn up as and when it suits him and his job. And if he moved to Dubai without you - that would be not very often !