Dubai move or divorce

[Klaudea]

Maybe the title is a bit clickbait-y.

But I’m really needing support. Since I first met my husband there has always been compromises to our relationship. Dh is an airline pilot. So basically our whole lives revolve around his schedule. Really didn’t bother me when we were dating and before we had a child. But all of a sudden I am completely resentful and can’t really stomach it. I think being at home with a young baby has left me feeling very vulnerable. Whereas before the baby I sort of made sure I had things to do and kept myself very busy (gym, socialising etc) regardless of what dh was doing.

But I’m so sick of our dinners, evenings and lives just revolving around dh and his schedule. I want to scream when dh tells me he will be having an early night and please do your best to keep the noise down with the dog and baby. Sometimes we’re eating dinner at 4:45pm cause dh needs to be in bed. I just end up sitting at home alone crying on the sofa. It’s awful.

In all transparency I have had a fairly bad dose of the baby blues. But am coming out of it.

I am on maternity leave and tbh was very seriously considering being a SAHM. But I’m going crazy.

I told dh I can’t live like this anymore. Im going crazy. Im a slave to the house, baby and dh. I am not presenting my own life.

Dh has suggested we make the move to the ME (he had an offer from an airline out there last year but he turned it down af my request) where we could afford to get a lot more help - ie cleaner, nanny etc. I just can’t keep doing what we are doing. It’s Groundhog Day.

I told dh I was so naive and didn’t think about how his job would really work with a family. I thought I would carry on making myself busy and being independent. I really think I would be happier divorced.

I don’t even like the ME.

please offer any advice

I am a decently paid professional. I could certainly support myself if needed. The idea of joint custody and husband having to figure out 50% of childcare seems like the only way I would get any equality in the relationship. I’m just a doormat right now.

I never used to break down crying and that’s all I do these days

Just seen your update...is this the night before he has to go to work? Or all the time?

Honestly, just go back to work before you make any big decisions. I didn’t enjoy mat leave at all and felt much happier once I went back to work three days a week - it meant I could feel like myself again and not just a mother. I didn’t fully recover from the PND until then.

If he’s insisting on uninterrupted sleep because he’s due to fly the next day, then he’s absolutely right to do so. OP has already said he’s besotted with the baby.

OP, don’t do anything hasty. It will get better.

I would definitely go to Dubai and get all the help with running the home

Do you still love and find your husband attractive or has all of that gone now?

our mortgage is £3400 for a very normal 3 bed in an expensive area. We moved to this town for the schools and because it’s close to my husband’s base airport.

It’s manageable but we don’t live extravagantly at all

You could still fly back to the uk for free of for cheap all the time though

Night before work. He will have the baby if doesn’t have to work the next day

There is middle ground here.

Find a child minder one day a week just so you get some down time.

When your DH is home and not asleep - he can take care of the baby then - don’t ask - just grab your coat and the dog.

Wait til you go back to work - what’s the plan? Childminder? Nursery?

Can you go back 3/4 days a week? Condensed hours?

If your DH won’t put you first then you have to do that for yourself!!

I told my DH if I’m looking after the bay, who’s looking after me? Because that’s his job!

When are you due to go back to work? This reads alot like you are stuck alone and lonely too. DH goes to bed early so you are on your own alot, I struggle when my DH wants to go to bed at 9 let alone before 5. I wouldn’t move to Dubai, I would look in to how I could improve my happiness at home. If possible try and get some you time. Can you do any keeping in touch days at work while baby has some childcare cover?

Your husband works shifts, and you are finding it difficult, seems to be the upshot.

Can you afford a nursery place for baby, so you get some time to yourself? Do you have the money for a cleaner? Can you go to more groups so you are getting out of the house and meet more people.

There are other things you can look at in this country before you move abroad.

Plus.. it does get easier once they get older.

Even on his days off ?
if he’s off , just go out. Tell him.

That level of mortgage is insane.

Aside from that, your husband is being a prick. Assuming he doesn't have to be up early for work, there is no good reason you can't go to the gym in the evening.

Dubai would be awful and you'd have close to zero rights. You'd be trapped there with your child.

Truthfully, getting back to work will help you a lot. How much longer is mat leave?

This. Also you sound quite low. I think speak to GP about antidepressants? If you haven’t already. Your thinking may be clouded by mental health atm. All I’m saying is don’t make a decision while your judgement is clouded. You could regret it. Especially when husband remarries and has new family…

Don’t divorce.
Don’t go to Dubai.
Just wait. Let time pass. Get any help you can find - cleaning? Dog care?
Things will improve.

One immediate change that I do suggest is that your DH checks into an airport hotel on the night before a flight. He obviously does need that proper night’s sleep, but equally he can’t expect a home with a young baby to suddenly be quiet to fit his schedule.

I think despite everything you’ve said about domestic stuff and baby, that just with time you would have grown to resent him/the situation anyway. Because in situs like yours and many others, women get to a certain age and realise they’ve been taken for a ride, that they’ve been making the best of a situation that doesn’t work for them and … ENOUGH. It’s your life too but it’s revolving around his job whether you can make the best of it when you were child-free or now that you’re much less free.

Moving to ME sounds a bit dodgy and again you doing more of the compromising - granted you will have help but you’ll be a long way from home (?) - do you have family where you are (uk?)

My dh is a pilot too. You can't expect him to be responsible for a baby the night before his shift, even if the baby is asleep, what happens if the baby wakes up? I felt very low the first 9 months or so and still feel resentful sometimes years on about the tiptoeing around when he has an early shift, but it's part of the job. I think you should hang on in there as it sounds like you worked well before the baby, hopefully you can get back there.

Absolutely do not do Dubai. You need to reclaim your life, not give more of it away.

Controversial but might going back to work help? I've only worked PT since my kids were born and now SAH but even I felt that going back to work saved my sanity when they were little.

It sounds like your basic problem is that your husband is not seeing you as a main character in this. Work is one way not only to reclaim yourself, but also address a power imbalance that he sounds rather keen to push. I just don't think (essentially) servants would address how you feel about this marriage and your life. However beware of making big, life changing decisions when you are exhausted and sleep deprived.

You Sound like me @Klaudea
husband not a pilot but we have v similar set up to you where I am alone. I already live abroad (we have done for long time even before baby). Don’t move to Dubai. Do find a babysitter and use them to give yourself some break. If you can’t rely on your husband for the childcare, get someone else on hand - I did this and the woman is my savior! It does get easier as baby gets older. I found 6-9m really really hard actually, I look back very negatively on that entire period; it was the hardest for me and I hated it. I felt at 18m-2yrs we really turned a corner and now he’s 3 I feel like I have so much more time and the stress on the dynamic of me and DH is much better… not gone totally but much better.

Ive survived it.. I’m enjoying it somewhat now. I will say me and DH are in a better place. I will also say I probably won’t have a second baby with him because of how much I resented his freedom and me having to bend my life to accommodate it. I also insist on a financial set up that I am very secure with and feel is ‘fair’ given the unequal load at home. Lots of luck to you xxxx

When you have a child, moving abroad to “save” your marriage is a huge, absolutely enormous risk.

If the choice really is that or divorce, then divorce.

But I agree with the first poster that you should try going back to work and seeing if you can find a better rhythm if it’s just the schedule with your DH’s job.

If you divorce you won’t magically have more help in the evening will you? And presumably DH would be fitting in his contact time around his schedule. So you’ll likely be just as tied to the house. It sounds like you feel lonely in part because when DH is there as he effectively heads off to prioritise his sleep. Which is somewhat understandable given his job. You might look at ways DH can get the sleep he needs without disrupting your life. An annex/garden room he can sleep in so you can still be as noisy in the house as you like. Maybe you could develop a schedule that takes you and the baby off out when you want - visit your parents, if you have a bit of cash get a camper van and head off to a campsite, etc. You used to busy and that’s probably why you weren’t lonely then. If you can be busy again, you might find life better. They grow up relatively fast and things change. You do need to make sure he sacrifices, not just you, though.

Do not move to the ME with a wobbly marriage. You will.have very different rights over divorce and particularly custody of the baby if you split.

If DH knows things are wobbly, the cynic in me thinks maybe this is why he is suggesting it.

Could downsizing help so that your mortgage is not as big.? The possibility of a nanny or au pair and other help might be more likely if your mortgage is not so large. I was wondering do you go to any mum and baby event. Have you got friends and family that you can see. It sounds like you are very much on your own and not getting much help from your DH. I agree with other people the Dubai option does not sound a good idea. You seem so sad I really hope things improve for you.

I think what a lot of these replies are missing is that the reason @Klaudea is suggesting divorce at all is because she feels totally disrespected by her husband and unsupported. His life has just carried on unchanged; hers has completely transformed and she didn’t realise that he would treat her as he has following babies arrival. I suspect op feels trapped because she needs more help- and what’s he saying to her? He’s saying ‘well if you want more help- I won’t change - but we can move to Dubai and pay for someone else to support you?’ Which in itself shows a lack of respect. Hell he could even change job for a while to help his family through this period. What choices does op have here - move across the world or go it alone as a single parent? That’s a crap choice he’s put on the table and I suspect it feels like a slap in the face because op’s just grown and nurtured and birthed and now caring for - his baby. X

I agree.
Just because he needs to eat dinner at 4.45 doesn't mean you have to. Baby will need a better routine as they get bigger than fitting in around DH anyway.
Try and get out to baby groups, see old friends etc. build a baby friendly social life. Set your life up in a way that suits you, and when DH's schedule allows, have a nice evening meal together etc.
It's sounds like you have always lives your life around his routine and that's not good.

Do you have friends in Dubai? Everyone there mostly works. You might be very lonely and actually feel worse in Dubai with DH away so much - unless you can work too? Also it is very expensive.