Dubai move or divorce

[Klaudea]

Maybe the title is a bit clickbait-y.

But I’m really needing support. Since I first met my husband there has always been compromises to our relationship. Dh is an airline pilot. So basically our whole lives revolve around his schedule. Really didn’t bother me when we were dating and before we had a child. But all of a sudden I am completely resentful and can’t really stomach it. I think being at home with a young baby has left me feeling very vulnerable. Whereas before the baby I sort of made sure I had things to do and kept myself very busy (gym, socialising etc) regardless of what dh was doing.

But I’m so sick of our dinners, evenings and lives just revolving around dh and his schedule. I want to scream when dh tells me he will be having an early night and please do your best to keep the noise down with the dog and baby. Sometimes we’re eating dinner at 4:45pm cause dh needs to be in bed. I just end up sitting at home alone crying on the sofa. It’s awful.

In all transparency I have had a fairly bad dose of the baby blues. But am coming out of it.

I am on maternity leave and tbh was very seriously considering being a SAHM. But I’m going crazy.

I told dh I can’t live like this anymore. Im going crazy. Im a slave to the house, baby and dh. I am not presenting my own life.

Dh has suggested we make the move to the ME (he had an offer from an airline out there last year but he turned it down af my request) where we could afford to get a lot more help - ie cleaner, nanny etc. I just can’t keep doing what we are doing. It’s Groundhog Day.

I told dh I was so naive and didn’t think about how his job would really work with a family. I thought I would carry on making myself busy and being independent. I really think I would be happier divorced.

I don’t even like the ME.

please offer any advice

I am a decently paid professional. I could certainly support myself if needed. The idea of joint custody and husband having to figure out 50% of childcare seems like the only way I would get any equality in the relationship. I’m just a doormat right now.

I never used to break down crying and that’s all I do these days

Say you move to Dubai and still feel like this.

There are legal ramification to this.

If you said no to Dubai and he's still pushing I'm sensing that hes potentially being coercive, by offering the 'perfect solution' and turning you into the bad guy for saying now.

You are not coping. He doesn't want to step up. He wants to side step and force you into a situation you don't want and makes you exceptionally vulnerable. He does not respect you.

As because he doesn't respect you, the move to Dubai won't work for you. It will just be more of the same but without the emotional support of your mother - hes trying to separate you from family. Which is why I suggest coercion at play.

Getting a nanny there isn't a solution for you. Its a solution for him. He doesn't have to lift a finger and he gets his dream job. If things go wrong, you may be forced to put up with it or the nanny gets custody whilst hes working not you.

Dubai is an awful place to live, regardless of how much help you can afford. After eighteen months I told my DP that I was leaving for London and if he didn’t follow, I’d end our ten-year relationship.

Moving to a country where you have fewer rights will not fix your marriage and it will not help you feel less vulnerable.

he isn’t going to magically start doing his share of parenting if you divorce. If he can’t have the baby at night, how could he possibly have the child 50% of the time? You won’t be able to work and find childcare around his work schedule. You will need a predictable custody schedule.

That would mean he has to do what every other parent does and find childcare around his work and deal with the fact that sometimes being a parent is inconvenient. Much more likely he is going to ask that the child only visits on days he isn’t working and never stays overnight before a work day. He will want you to continue this arrangement in separate houses.

Before you make any decisions, I would suggest counseling. A neutral 3rd party may help the two of you navigate this. He needs to understand that being a man with a big important job doesn’t take priority over being a parent. If not, you are likely to continue in your current pattern whether you are still a couple or divorced.

OP you are feeling what a lot of women do after they have a baby and you are projecting this onto your husband and being angry with him, Why are you so dependant on him for happiness? Having a baby is fing hard. Fing hard! No one can prepare you for how relentless it is. But the part I can’t get my head around is that he is in the same job doing the same things and now you are just mad at him for it. This is so unreasonable.

The first year especially kinda sucks and instead of being angry at him for continuing as normal maybe also consider that pilots do also have a lot of time at home and unless have long layovers aren’t away for weeks. They are also home for days at a time.

Your life has drastically changed and it’s relentless and his life seems to go on as normal. This resentment is totally normal.

Hes trying to solve the problem by getting you more help and support by moving. It may not be favourable but he’s trying.

Sorry OP I don’t think you are meaning to but YABU.

You have just had a baby which is a major life change irrespective of your husband's career.
You are vulnerable and lonely which can impact on your thought processes.
Please don't make any major decisions right now.
Meeting new mums and getting out for walks etc can help relieve the loneliness.
Very isolating and scary being at home with a young baby.
Hang on in there, you are not alone.
Your feelings are experienced by many.
Please speak to your husband

He wants to move to Dubai so he can afford to pay someone else to do his role as a father, or perhaps do the housework so that you can be both mother and father.

So if you divorce him, he is NOT going to change his job and his priorities and have your child’s 50;50. He will end up seeing his child for a few hours a couple of times a month, at times that suit him and not you or baby.

Then he will have a new partner quickly and see even less of baby.

Im just saying this so you have a realistic of what will happen . You are still going to be doing it all. Now you may find that easier than dealing with the rows and resentment of dealing with a partner who does nothing and being able to run your life in a way that suits you ( I certainly do ). And good quality paid help is often a great deal better than a useless Husband.

In the meantime , you need to get some paid help now. You need that more than a 3 bed house ( for one couple and a baby ). And you don’t need to worry about schools when your child is 6 months old.

Your mental and physical health is more important so he will just have to find the money.or you will have a breakdown or leave him. If you have a breakdown, he will need to take compassionate leave to care for baby . That and / or a divorce are more expensive than some help.

I bet you that while you are struggling for lack of say, 8 hours help a week, he is still stashing away loads every month into his pension. So I bet he can find gthe money.

Then you can see how you feel in 6 months and then leave him if you still feel the same way.

Fair and reasonable
He sounds like a decent man

Making such an important decision whilst you are unsettled, unhappy, resentful and possibly tired isn’t a good idea. It’s not a good idea because any conclusion would/will be biased.

Perhaps if you decide to return to work, get some semblance of balance, get in the right head space, THEN make a decision (if one still needs to be made), re your future, and Dubai. You sound like an independent person, one who I tentatively suggest, won’t, long term be content with living life vicariously through your husband. I do wish you well.

Op you cant seriously think him not having the baby the night before a long flight is unreasonable? He will be absolutely tired to fly a plane the next day!!! Gently (because I know how low you must feel) - can you see a dr and explain how you’re feeling or get some medication?

Going against the grain here but I think you will like dubai. It’s not as scary as MN seems to think. I have plenty of family and friends who live out there and love it. There’s a lot to keep busy with and the addition of help means you can keep busy if you want to as you did prior to having the baby. It also sounds like you may benefit from some more psych help to heal. Sending hugs OP.

“Moveoverdarlin · Yesterday 23:20
I think many new Mums have what you’re describing, whether your DH is a pilot, postman or fisherman. I remember those early days and my DH rang me to say he was going to home late (so say 7pm rather than 5.45pm) and I remember thinking it was the end of the world as I’d been home all day with the baby. I just couldn’t stand a minute longer of being in the house. I couldn’t believe the freedom he had and it made me seething with jealousy, anger and every other emotion. He worked a relatively normal office job but was out of the house say 8am-6pm
What you’re describing is just how it feels to go from having a fun, professional, independent life to being stuck home with a baby.
I wouldn’t do anything rash whilst you’re in this phase. I wouldn’t leave him and I wouldn’t move either.”

@Moveoverdarlin has nailed it. This with bells on. Things will get easier as your child gets older. This early part feels relentless but it gets easier and more fun. It’s good if you can socialise with other new mums and get out and about a bit.

My DH has done shift work for the last 18 years- we’ve been together 23 years. For context he isn’t a high earner and his job isn’t life or death. Pre children it was ok, I worked very long hours so it wouldn’t have made a huge difference during the week as I was often in the office late and there was a fair amount of required socialising with my job. He worked every other weekend but after a busy week I was happy relaxing, seeing friends etc. So it was ok for the most part.

Before we had DC I said I didn’t think it was sustainable long term for him to do shift work. Not just the weekends but the late shifts getting home at midnight, the very early starts on the earlies weeks- all very disruptive. After I had DC it was ok during my mat leave as I had good mum friends locally and although his working late nights and weekends wasn’t great, he had more days off than he would have done with a mon- Fri job so it was swings and roundabouts really. Both sets of DGPs were the other end of the country and weekends were often a bit lonely for me but I was ok.

I went back to work PT and found it really hard- I have some serious health issues and working in a stressful job with a long commute 25 hours a week and then single parenting every other weekend, never being able to get into a proper routine because of DH shifts, having sleep disrupted by his early starts and late finishes meant I really resented him. His pay wasn’t worth the sacrifice either- I felt he was getting all the benefits of shift work and I was getting all the downsides. He had a lot more free time than me as the days I worked DC was in childcare- often those were his non working days but not routinely so, so we had to have childcare on them and then we’d paid for it so felt we should use it, plus it helped Dc to be in a routine etc.

finally this year DH has moved to a mon-Fri role. Same salary. It’s been life changing for me and for our family as a whole. It’s not as great for DH as he gets less downtime/ time to himself as he has no days off in the week alone. But the shift work was taking a toll on him physically and, after 18 years of doing what suited/ was best for DH, it’s very much time for him to put what’s best for me and DC first in my view!

so solidarity and sympathy OP- parenting with a shift worker is hard. Do not move to Dubai as I think that would be a mistake for you. Try to build your own career, own interests in the meantime and it does get easier as DC get older - this age is super hard and time f pir yourself is important, try to carve that out for yourself and your DS regardless of DH’s schedule. Definitely also try to carve out your own free time when DH isn’t working- there’s no reason he can’t have DS overnight when he’s in the middle of a rest period for example. I think realistically he’s not going to be able to go 50/50 on childcare, chores etc the way that a non shift worker could because of the nature of his work, but he can step up on the days when he’s not working.

I loved growing up in Dubai, it was the best experience

I think so too.

Op, I am sure you will be able to afford a cleaner and a nanny when you are back at work, you are a professional woman and your husband is a pilot, it is achievable. Then meals can be organised at different times for him and he can maybe have a bedroom away from you and the baby when he has to get up at the crack of dawn.

It could be workable as long as you both want it, without moving so far away.

I’ve never replied to a thread before (long time lurker) however I feel qualified to answer this one. My husband was previously a pilot, he remains a shift worker in a very inflexible and demanding job with irregular and long shifts. Since our son was born 10 years ago, I’ve been the one who’s had to organise my work life to ensure I always have flexibility to do all drop offs and pick ups and other miscellaneous child related stuff. (Ironically I actually have a more highly paid and successful career which makes it even more annoying.) my husband has the same issues around protected quiet time for sleep etc and like you OP, prior to our son’s birth I was extremely independent; including taking a lot of short term contract work away from home. I bitterly resented the unequal load placed on me after our son’s birth, including the fact that my first response to any invitation was to have to check my husbands roster. I felt so lonely in the first few years of my son’s life. I also contemplated divorce many times.

I have no advice on whether you should move to the Middle East, or whether to divorce but I can tell you the advice I would have given myself 10 years ago if that’s helpful.

• Do NOT organise your life around your husband’s roster. Organise your own life (including meal times) and regular activities including regular paid childcare.
• Accept you will pay for a service you don’t need when your husband is available.
• If your husband wants special family time then get him to nominate this time and put it in a shared calendar (get a shared google calendar if you don’t have one already where his roster and your activities and plans are). He’s the one with irregular work hours and so should be the one organising around this. Accept this will mean that you may end up taking the baby out when he’s available (because you’ve already pre-planned something).
• Your husband needs to invest in some good ear plugs and soundproof the bedroom. If this still doesn’t work then he’ll need to use a hotel room prior to a flight (which he can organise).

Ideally of course you shouldn’t need to do all this in an equal partnership etc but the situation is what it is and the one thing you can do is to take back the control of your own life as much as you can. It does get so, so much easier.

This x100!

Do NOT make any major life changes.

Urgently schedule an appointment with your doctor to ask about post-natal depression. It is very real and can knock you sideways. PANDAS is a charity that focuses on PND...maybe give them a call?

Do you have family that you are on good terms with? Mom / aunt / sister / cousin / grandma? Or a close friend who has had a baby? Reach out and talk to them as they have been there with hormones raging and swinging.

Do you have a faith group? New moms groups at church can be a lifeline and I would think other religions will have some similar support for new moms.

Can you afford a cleaner 1-2 times a week? Or at least a laundry service. If yes, get help! If you can afford a meal prep service, or order takeout on occasion, do so!

Finally, your initial schedule should revolve around the baby. Please try to get some rest whenever baby is sleeping. Your DH can microwave a meal for 4:45pm and then sleep using noise canceling headphones...it is ridiculous to expect an infant to understand/follow a schedule!

Take care and wishing you the best OP.

You have to find the money from somewhere for the next 6 or so months. Accept you are in the trenches and this is your spend era.

Cut the pension contributions & Mortgage holiday.

• Get a cleaner.
• Childcare 2 mornings or afternoons atleast. Child-minder or nursery.
• David Lloyd membership or similar where they have on site childcare.
• Get out to baby classes which benefit you also (Mum and baby pilates/ baby swimming / mum baby yoga etc.
• Make friends. Lean on them!
• Find an evening babysitter for one night a week and start a class or go to the sauna with a mum friend at David Lloyd.

It does get easier! Hang in there.

Would it make a difference if your DH said 'I hear you', instead of throwing ridiculous solutions like moving to Dubai at you?

Most new parents on parental leave have been where you are. I felt so resentful that my DH had some normality in his 9-5 office job when my life had had been ripped apart. When I was at home with two under 3 I suggested divorce, because I wanted to see how he was going to manage with having the kids 50%... I wanted him to feel the same pain.

Don't make big decisions when dealing with PPD and adjusting to parenthood. Definitely don't move abroad, it's not going to solve anything. But time will. It does get better.

With hindsight, I didn't feel seen or heard. I felt alone in my struggle. I realised I didn't want to divorce when my DH gave me a weekend 'off'. After that we were a team again and it made things 100 times easier, mostly emotionally.

Do you think he understands and cares about your struggles?

Agree with the others and will say it with emphasis Do not make any life altering decisions now

Right now your life has been upended with your baby. It doesn’t mean that what you are feeling isn’t valid or is only temporary. But now isn’t the time to decide if you are moving halfway around the world or divorcing your husband.

Hang in there for awhile, get your feet under you, then take stock.

Ok, I completely get where you are at. You are right deep in the thick of new motherhood now, and it is terrifying; it feels like you are losing yourself and you are begging for help and feeling like you are just being pushed further under. I have been there, and thousands on here are right there with you. Breathe, mama.

I might have a bit of a unique perspective on this- I am a pilot by trade, and so is my husband. We both gave up our flying careers for desk jobs as the career is so unfriendly to families. It was a hard decision, but the right one for us. I have a couple of pieces of advice that might fit your situation.

First- do not make any sudden moves! No divorce, and DEFINITELY no Dubai! Pilots tend to think jumping to the next biggest aircraft/airline/base will fix it all. We can be single-minded about that and not consider the repercussions of the reality of daily life if that happens. Dubai might be amazing for you or it might be horrific, but your marriage needs to be rock solid and you need to be 100% on board or it will almost definitely be the second one. I have many friends who took this path- some are thriving 10 years later, some divorced after a year. It depends entirely on the couple.

Second- he DESPERATELY needs sleep before flights. It’s a mentally and physically fatiguing job, and fatigue is a massive contributor to aviation accidents. That said, you should not be having to have the rest of the family revolve around his schedule. He needs to take responsibility for his preflight prep- get a white noise machine for him, some comfy earplugs, and he takes himself off to bed when he needs. You don’t have to eat either him, sometimes he just needs to suck it up and accept that he will have some solo dinners while you take yourself and the baby for a walk with the dog or to the park or shops for some air. If he doesn’t like it then tough- that’s the job.

Third- you need some scheduled time to yourself. Either by him taking the baby, or by getting a babysitter in on a regular basis so you get a break to do something you enjoy. Paint, go to the gym, go to paintball lol, whatever it is that’s your happy place. It’s not a luxury, it’s a necessity!

I would present it like this- you understand this career is more than a job to him, that’s what life as a pilot is. It’s physically and mentally demanding, and you want to support him, but you also need support now as YOU also have a physically and mentally demanding job to do. Your roster is just as fatiguing as his is- I used to say it felt like doing 4am sign-ons with a 12 hour flight duty every single day. Dubai is not on the cards right now, so you need to work with what you have, your routines and come up with a solution that works for both your fatiguing jobs. Two things need to be non-negotiable though- his roster rules him, not everyone else, and something needs to be put in place for you to have regular breaks- you need a Rostered Day Off!

Good luck, and remember, this is such a small segment of your life as a mum, but it feels like eternity when you are in it. I promise it gets better… The proof is the people go for round 2,3 and 4 all the time!

How many nights does he not have to work the next day?

Do not give up work
Do not leave the UK

You must not even consider the ME.
Keep your job at all cost.
You are likely one and done, so you need your career.
3 bed house?
Can you move somewhere cheaper?
Can you stay with your mum for a bit.
Nothing prepares you for children but if he is largely unavailable then you need to make plans to do it alone.

Never go near the ME, he could stop you leaving.

Possibly outing as DH is a pilot and we have been expats before. I’ve been a SAHM, worked full time and part time. Also was close to suicide when I had PND but that wasn’t to do with his job.

if you divorce you will end up with him doing EOW at best. At worst it will be random days depending on his roster unless he works for an airline with a fixed roster. If you go to the ME you may have a “helper” etc but if your job is something you find fulfilling then you won’t find that being a Jumeirah Jane. Obviously you can start hobbies etc but you also have to bear in mind the heat will mean you spend at least half of the year going from air conditioned building to air conditioned building.

The packages are no where near as good as they used to be and school alliance won’t cover all school fees, food is expensive and unless you’re happy with the company accommodation you’d need to see what you could live in with you allowance.

There are times that he arrives home at 5am as I’ve been getting up for work and that’s the most we’ll see of each other for 3 days, if I’m on a day off I’ll take DD2 out somewhere until lunchtime after dropping DD1 at school to let him sleep. I don’t change meal times but I will bath them early so they’re not making noise upstairs when he’s trying to sleep.

I have to see it as the perks (salary and time off compared to an office job) outweigh the negatives, even when I’m trying to plan and cook meals not knowing if he’ll be at home or not when he’s on standby. Wait and see how you feel once mat leave Is over before moving half way across the world, especially if it’s not something you’re doing for a career move/somewhere you want to be too as you’ll build a network eventually, but family and friends won’t be on hand anymore to help out. I didn’t have a “helper” as I’d read too many horror stories and didn’t trust a random stranger living in my house and with my child.

I think this is tricky. I'd want to do something..but not sure either of the options you have really work.

Staring at the wall alone in Dubai with a crying baby is the same as staring at a wall alone in the UK with a crying baby.
For those who are saying it gets better- I'm not sure it really does with out some change.