Dubai move or divorce

[Klaudea]

Maybe the title is a bit clickbait-y.

But I’m really needing support. Since I first met my husband there has always been compromises to our relationship. Dh is an airline pilot. So basically our whole lives revolve around his schedule. Really didn’t bother me when we were dating and before we had a child. But all of a sudden I am completely resentful and can’t really stomach it. I think being at home with a young baby has left me feeling very vulnerable. Whereas before the baby I sort of made sure I had things to do and kept myself very busy (gym, socialising etc) regardless of what dh was doing.

But I’m so sick of our dinners, evenings and lives just revolving around dh and his schedule. I want to scream when dh tells me he will be having an early night and please do your best to keep the noise down with the dog and baby. Sometimes we’re eating dinner at 4:45pm cause dh needs to be in bed. I just end up sitting at home alone crying on the sofa. It’s awful.

In all transparency I have had a fairly bad dose of the baby blues. But am coming out of it.

I am on maternity leave and tbh was very seriously considering being a SAHM. But I’m going crazy.

I told dh I can’t live like this anymore. Im going crazy. Im a slave to the house, baby and dh. I am not presenting my own life.

Dh has suggested we make the move to the ME (he had an offer from an airline out there last year but he turned it down af my request) where we could afford to get a lot more help - ie cleaner, nanny etc. I just can’t keep doing what we are doing. It’s Groundhog Day.

I told dh I was so naive and didn’t think about how his job would really work with a family. I thought I would carry on making myself busy and being independent. I really think I would be happier divorced.

I don’t even like the ME.

please offer any advice

I am a decently paid professional. I could certainly support myself if needed. The idea of joint custody and husband having to figure out 50% of childcare seems like the only way I would get any equality in the relationship. I’m just a doormat right now.

I never used to break down crying and that’s all I do these days

As someone currently living overseas due to my DH’s job: I promise you, an overseas move categorically will not fix your marriage. It is one of these most stressful, isolating things I have ever been through.
If my marriage wasn’t absolutely rock solid, this never would have worked.

My DH works a very niche job within the US military. So his schedule is either a solid 9-5 and office based or it’s extremely erratic when he’s on call 24/7 and field based.
We also live in a state that’s been ranked the most expensive to own and run a car in the entire country - so we only have one. Meaning me and our youngest DC in particular are extremely isolated and barely leave the house Mon-Fri.
The job market where I aim is the most competitive I have ever experienced - since I got the legal go ahead to be allowed to work here, I’ve been applying for every job I can find in my previous career field, every job that’s even slightly adjacent to that field and jobs that I’m wildly over-qualified for. I’ve also been applying for bartending and shelf-stacking in supermarkets just so I’ve got something to do outside of the house - and I’ve been rejected from every single application.
My mental health has been very up and down because of the isolation.
My relationship with DH is the only thing that’s kept me on a relatively even keel.
If I didn’t have such a solid marriage? I’d be completely and utterly broken living here.

If you divorce you’ll need to move anyway, so I’d suggest saving the marriage, for your sake and your kid, and move somewhere cheaper. With the released cash, get baby in some childcare or a babysitter to enable you to get some time back.

1. it is way too early to be considering divorce. Your baby isn’t even a year yet. So this situation hasn’t been longstanding. Things change with kids and once you’ve returned from mat leave. Babies don’t stay babies and they’ll sleep through the night in no time which may make you see things differently

2. I think you’re romanticising single parenthood with a baby.

Reach out to your family, let them know you need help. That you’re feeling very low and would appreciate childcare 1 evening per week if anyone’s available. Be very vocal about what you need. In the meantime perhaps speak with your GP about upping your dose.

@Klaudea

Absolutely do NOT move. I don't care where he wants to move to, but do NOT move out of the country. If you do and you are unhappy you may find it impossible to return to your home country because you will not be allowed to move your child without his permission. You could be stuck for the next 18 years.

And as far as I'm concerned if one has a spouse who travels frequently the 'home base' should be where the 'staying put' spouse feels most at home. You say you moved to be close to 'his' airport, but is this where you feel the best? Because you are the one spending most of the time 'where it is you are'.

Motherhood and all its ups and downs is still new to you right now. It's not time to make any major decisions or major moves. Continue with your therapy for PPD and find ways, even small ways, to do things for yourself. There's nothing wrong with having some child care now, either, if it allows you to get out now and again.

I know that you're feeling that divorce is the answer and it may very well be, somewhere down the line. But realize that chances are it's not going to give you any more free time than you have right now. He'll still be gone a good deal of the time and chances are when he's back he's not going to be taking the baby for any length of time, at least not now. I don't want to slam all men, but most of the ones I know don't avail themselves of all the time available to them with their DC. Most are perfectly happy with EOW and a day or so in-between. I don't know a pilot's schedule, but let's say he's gone for 4 days, then back for 5. Do you really think he's going to want to have the baby, and later the child, on his own for 3 or 4 of his 5 days off? Again, I'm not saying that a divorce may not be in your future, just that now isn't the time to make that decision.

I think it's imperative that you return to work when your mat leave is up. There is reliable childcare out there, and even if it eats up most of your earnings at first, at least you're earning for yourself and socializing with other adults. Right now you're somewhat isolated, I think, and that never helps.

Give yourself some time. Get back to work. Then look around and see if you'd be happier either moving somewhere better for you as a family or being on your own.

Get yourself back to work.

Then you will be in a better position to say what you need to...."Its us or the job".

He will choose the job. But thats ok because you will be earning enough to support you and DS. Sorry but have fallen into the classic trap of his life not changing and yours turning upside down. Easy to be besotted by a creature you know someone else will take care of. Like a pet that you never have to walk or clean out their cage.

Push forward with your career, it will save you.

If your marriage breaks down when you live in Dubai, you won't necessarily have the right to return home to the UK with your baby. And custody and divorce laws are different there and worse for women.

Do not move to the Middle East.

If the mortgage is that much of a burden, you need to downsize. Your child will be happier living with a happy mother in a two-bedroom flat than living with a deeply unhappy mother in a four bedroom house.

OP was happy enough with her DH's job when they got together, she knew what he did for a living and how it would affect their life - suddenly they've had a baby and he's a useless selfish fuck of a DH? Plenty of others are in the same situation and make it work.

Ai quite!

Redacted

One wonders what you expected when deciding to have a child with an airline pilot. I mean, did you not notice what his work schedule was like??

I know; it’s bollocks.

Dubai is clearly not the answer here. If you separated you couldn’t move home. You’re not thinking clearly op, you say things like he adores the baby and would step up to 50% if you separated. He wouldn’t do that, he won’t even be asleep while baby is asleep the night before work.
I think 1. You need to wait until your mental health improves before you can make the kind of decision Dubai is when you could be stuck there without permission to bring your baby home. 2. You need some new rules. I think I would say these new rules would be attempting to avoid a trial separation and if he doesn’t like it then separation it is. One of mine would be when he walks in the door after being away, he gets 30 minutes, then you hand him baby and take a few hours. (I’d be interested to hear from a pilot- can’t they basically take off and then have a nap while copilot watches?) 3-if it’s a choice between your marriage, your sanity, or your house, do you need this huge mortgage?

I meant to say another basic new rule- he has to manage sleeping without a quiet household or he can’t be a parent anyway. No dinner at 4pm, no not watching tv and shushing a child. Children need to live their life. (Yes I have worked shifts, including nights. Nobody else changed their schedule by so much as 30 seconds for me)

Yet you believe he would step up and take responsibility if you split up? He won't do it now for his wife, he's not going to do it for an ex wife.

I'm calling it. This post is bs. **

I think some of the criticism of the DH here is harsh. He has a responsible job and is completely correct to protect his sleep and schedule. He is besotted with his child and cares for the baby including nights when he doesn’t have a flight scheduled. Obviously OP you aren’t feeling supported by him, and the Dubai suggestion probably wasn’t helpful, but it’s hard to know how much of this is breakdown in communication and adjusting to parenthood, rather than him being uncaring. He really should stop pushing Dubai though, you need to give a blanket no there and he doesn’t respect that then it’s a concern.

I don’t think that moving to Dubai, or divorce, should even be considered right now.

Look, when you have a six month old normal programming is suspended, especially when there are challenging circumstances like your DH’s job. You are still deep in post natal hormones, fatigue, life changes. You just have to get through it. If there is one thing for sure about babies and young children it’s that things change all the time and just when you are starting to work out what’s going on or what might help with an issue, suddenly that’s no longer the issue anyway and you’re on to the next thing.

Please trust OP that even if you do nothing, things will get better. But actually I am sure there are things you can do to help a bit now. I would just focus on yourself, not on your DH, and think about everything that can be done to buy you a bit of sleep and free time. Part of the problem is that your mortgage doesn’t allow for the help that you obviously need if your DH has the kind of job he has, and you have no family support. Is there any way to move to an area much cheaper that is still near enough to your DH’s base? Often areas very close can have wildly different prices. Forget schools at this point, something has to give and that’s years away. Could you rent out your place and rent somewhere cheaper yourselves if that seems easier than selling?

Actually forget renting idea, I wasn’t thinking because of course it won’t cover the mortgage.

The husband has hundreds of lives in his hands when he is working! It’s not an ordinary job. Of course his sleep patterns are non negotiable.

This should have been impressed upon OP before the child was conceived, but it’s hardly brain surgery. She can’t demand a lie-in at the expense of his fitness for duty.

I don't think it's the right time to make such a huge decision, it's a stressful time and it sounds like you need more support for your mental health, it doesn't sound like you are coming out of the baby blues it sounds like you have postnatal depression.
I would never ever move to the middle east, so that would be an instant no. I think it's quite hurtful as well because you are asking for him to support you and he is instead offering to move where he can pay someone to do it, and that's not the equal partnership you are looking for. You obviously didn't anticipate how hard it was going to feel for you to be the primary parent, but I don't think he's unreasonable for prioritizing his sleep the night before work. If he's willing to care for the baby when it's times that he isn't working or the night before, then you could try and plan well for that so that you are able to get the time for yourself that you are looking for, and try and attend mother groups or gym classes with childcare so that you can try and get some time. You might still end up deciding that you'd like to divorce, but I think it's a bit soon to decide that.

You knew that your husband was a pilot. So it's unreasonable of you to think that he can help like a normal 9 to 5 job man can.
You need to be responsible for your own happiness.
You are not happy.
Go back to work 18 hours per week and you and DH pay for a cleaner and child care.
Mark in your calendar family times and date times, according to your work schedule and DHs work.

If it all improves carry on like that but if you have your second child be prepared to feel low again. Move to the ME for two years (it could not be worse than now) where you can pay staff and make the most of living there.

You seem to need the social connection of your profession so make sure you go back into that.

Some good advice on here.

Do not isolate yourself even further by moving to any other country. Your DH has just heard you are struggling to manage the house, not that you are lonely.

I think it is important for you to get some more concrete purpose in your life right now. Yes having children give you long term purpose but you are struggling.

Get a part time job that requries you to be out of the home and I love the idea of a regular babysitter a couple of times a week.

OP, I think you are at one of the hardest times with a young baby, but it will also likely get easier as the baby will become more and more independent.

I don't think I'd choose divorce nor Dubai, though the latter would be a bit of an adventure, especially if you could leave after a few years.

But I think what you really need to do is look for other things to do, connections to make. I felt very similar to you after my eldest was born. It really wasn't about my husband, it was just so different not seeing people regularly through work, deeply isolating.

In the end I made connections with some other people and that helped Initially a group of women at a knitting group, mostly older ladies and I brought the baby with me. And at a certain point I found a church to attend and made a few close friend there although it took attending for over a year before I felt like I was making deep connections.

Also -if you were to divorce, presumably you'd work, and the baby would be in care. SO - why not just take that step sooner, maybe only PT? Can you find a care situation for a few mornings or afternoons? Go to the gym, join a walking group, do a bit of a PT job. If you could do these things single you can do them married.

I think the main problem is the OPs baby blues and being under psychiatric care. There are single parents who manage completely alone. I really don’t think it’s the husband’s job, whose unusual working hours, as others have said, should have been no surprise. Perhaps going back to work would help, or else perhaps further psychiatric help and support. Just hang on in there and get whatever support you can.

he sounds like he pulls his weifght when he can?
don’t quit your job and be a SAHM as it will be as isolating as maternity leave is- you said yourself you enjoy work and your job and feel fulfilled having that and a social life.
my friend is married to a pilot and has two kids and is very happy even with his odd schedules ( and all his flights are long haul, so off and gone for 2/3 days since forever , but with long breaks off as well). She has a very high powered job and they have help ( helper and family help) and that’s probably the difference.
he might be right about Dubai being easier as you will have support and help and be able to get your independence back, but if you don’t like it you don’t like it. Could you afford to get someone in for evenings at least a couple of times a week?

Can you consider putting baby in nursery for a couple of hours, or getting a cleaner? Use a cc as a lifeline if you need to, to tide you through this difficult time in your life and preserve your sanity.

Divorcing won’t make it easier, only harder. Sounds like you need a break. I’d tell DH to take some time off, so you can have a week off and time for yourself. Might help put things into perspective for him. How much help is he doing when he’s home?

PND is absolutely horrific, and makes everything a million times harder. Don’t make any rash decisions now, you’ll feel better as time goes on, and once you can claw back more time for yourself.

Don’t move to soulless Dubai. The last thing you need is more stress, unfamiliarity, and big changes. I promise it really does get better ❤️‍🩹

I can’t remember the name of the organisation, but they have people that come to your home & can help out during the week so you can have some mummy time.

Shaky marriage, new baby, social isolation; I wouldn't take that shit to one of the most misogynistic places on Earth. You would be incredibly vulnerable on so many levels.

Haven’t RTFT but pilot wife here in solidarity! We have a 5 year old and a 6 month old. This is going to sound harsh but you need to accept this as your new normal and figure out a way of living. Get a copy of his roster if you can, we use google calendar and DH uploads it to there for me and it helps me plan “life”. I look at DHs roster every week, when he’s not here at weekends DC and I plan fun things and go out. For meals, unless he’s working early I don’t even bother making him food but I keep a stash of things in the freezer for times when he might be here and he wants to eat. DH sleeps in the spare room on his work days, simply because our youngest doesn’t sleep and I get that he needs to be compos mentis for work. Use your evenings when DH and DC are in bed to do your own thing! Have a bath, watch some rubbish telly etc.

But here’s the big but. On his days off he should be helping you and he needs to step up. You are a partnership and jobs that need doing need to be split as such. Everyone is tired and he isn’t special in this. What is he actually doing on his days off? Can he reduce his hours? My DH went down to a 75% contract after Covid and it’s so much better. He isn’t overworked anymore and is much more present for DC. Don’t go to the ME, it will be the same shit in a different location.

I really get it though, it’s very hard with children when your DH is away a a lot and they have a demanding job which isn’t 9-5.