Dubai move or divorce

[Klaudea]

Maybe the title is a bit clickbait-y.

But I’m really needing support. Since I first met my husband there has always been compromises to our relationship. Dh is an airline pilot. So basically our whole lives revolve around his schedule. Really didn’t bother me when we were dating and before we had a child. But all of a sudden I am completely resentful and can’t really stomach it. I think being at home with a young baby has left me feeling very vulnerable. Whereas before the baby I sort of made sure I had things to do and kept myself very busy (gym, socialising etc) regardless of what dh was doing.

But I’m so sick of our dinners, evenings and lives just revolving around dh and his schedule. I want to scream when dh tells me he will be having an early night and please do your best to keep the noise down with the dog and baby. Sometimes we’re eating dinner at 4:45pm cause dh needs to be in bed. I just end up sitting at home alone crying on the sofa. It’s awful.

In all transparency I have had a fairly bad dose of the baby blues. But am coming out of it.

I am on maternity leave and tbh was very seriously considering being a SAHM. But I’m going crazy.

I told dh I can’t live like this anymore. Im going crazy. Im a slave to the house, baby and dh. I am not presenting my own life.

Dh has suggested we make the move to the ME (he had an offer from an airline out there last year but he turned it down af my request) where we could afford to get a lot more help - ie cleaner, nanny etc. I just can’t keep doing what we are doing. It’s Groundhog Day.

I told dh I was so naive and didn’t think about how his job would really work with a family. I thought I would carry on making myself busy and being independent. I really think I would be happier divorced.

I don’t even like the ME.

please offer any advice

I am a decently paid professional. I could certainly support myself if needed. The idea of joint custody and husband having to figure out 50% of childcare seems like the only way I would get any equality in the relationship. I’m just a doormat right now.

I never used to break down crying and that’s all I do these days

Omg. Your baby is only 6 months... don't make any decisions. Definitely don't go to dubai.

Things are going to get easier. Then make some decisions.

Meanwhile, what could make your life better?

@Klaudea I don’t think moving will be the answer, it’s not going to change much for your relationship - will give you more time on your own but not with DH. See how you feel after mat leave when back at work?

What's his shift pattern? Does he have big lots of days off? Does he step up then?
Can you do something about big mortgage take a longer term?
Don't make big decisions while baby is so young and you figuring it out

Why do you feel like he's manipulative?

Having lived in Dubai, i think it could be great for a pilot family. All depends on the perks. Emirates for example offer many. There is a huge expat community and with all the help you can buy in, you will actually have more time to make a life for yourself. You can pursue whatever hobby you want to.
you need to find out how it would work with your job.

However, you need to ensure your marriage is solid first.

and people talk about leaving friends and family behind but i found I actually spent more time with my mum when I lived there and each set of friends came to visit and we also visited. In fact our friendshiowere stronger

Tbh, I felt like this in the early stages of motherhood, and my DH is not a pilot, in fact he runs his own business from home!
I don’t think it’s his job or your ‘baby blues’. It’s adjusting to the mundanity of having a very young child and feeling as though you have lost your ‘self’.
It does pass, but it takes some time. Do NOT make any rash decisions whilst you are going through this temporary insanity - no divorce and no move to the ME!!
Just hang in there, make sure you get out and about with the baby, see friends etc. It will get better. xx

So his solution is something he wanted, he went for and you turned down and he is pushing it again.
This is a him issue, not a job issue

Do not move to Dubai. Some careers are simply not compatible with family life and his is one of them.

Move to Dubai. Hire a nanny and cleaner and go enjoy your life again! I would jump at this chance and I’m a professional on a Dicent salary in UK, would I give it up for Dubai, absolutely!!

Ok to take a slightly different view, it sounds like you are struggling with the relentlessness of having a small baby, and life revolving around nappies, feeding, sleeping, washing and home chores. Can you put some more structure into your days to give you back some independence and control? Co-parenting with someone who does shift work is no mean feat, but I think there are things you can do before rushing to divorce.

I wish I could will myself to like the ME but it just doesn’t appeal. Really not my vibe at all.

The Cotswolds is my aesthetic not Abu Dhabi.

Sorry - but surely you knew this before you married him? My brother is a pilot, with three kids. He has help in the way of mum and dad with childcare etc - but his wife, my SIL knew 100% what she was getting into when she married him - of course he will need to sleep before he flies for 14 hours, he needs to be awake for that, because, you know, its pretty dangerous as a pilot to be tired! Of course there are milestones he will miss - hes more than often flying, he tries his best with scheduling but it's hard. I dont think dubai is the way forward - perhaps you can get some help in between? It does sound like you are struggling, but im not sure with what. I think part time work might help you in the first instance? Can baby go into a nursery once or twice a week?

Normally I'd say what a selfish sod but I do think you are being a bit over the top on this occasion.
You married a pilot, what do you want him to do...give up his job? It's a bit much to ask especially if you have a massive mortgage.
If a pilot was flying me across the world I would not be happy if he'd been up all night sharing care for a baby, the lives of everyone on board depend on him so he needs sleep.
Don't go to Dubai, it's bloody awful. You might have more help but no friends, still no husband around and away from everything you know. My sister lived there for 10 years and hated it.
See your GP you may have PND, go back to work when your maternity leave is over. Work saved my life as single mum to a baby. I needed the stimulation and adult company.

I know this will sound mad but I thought I would be absolutely fine. I REALLY did not anticipate having such an issue with the imbalance.

Before the baby I was totally fine with DH’s schedule. I kept myself very busy - gym classes, meals out with friends etc. it’s just now that I am extremely resentful. I genuinely did not see it coming. I’m tied to the house in the evening. My mum will help out but she has a job and social life herself.

It is so normal to feel you are losing your identity with a small baby in your life. I would neither move or divorce but get in extra help including some counselling and look at what you want your life to be like. Don't make huge decisions at this point.

I think the problem here is you feeling like you've lost yourself since having a baby and that is really normal! It's a massive adjustment and you're coping with PPD as well. I wouldn't make any hasty decisions yet - moving to Dubai is not the answer and neither is getting divorced. Being a single parent on one income is HARD and you have no guarantee that he will step up and do his fair share of parenting. If he meets someone else & has another child, if he decides to bugger off to Dubai anyway - there are so many variables.

I would look into childcare and getting back to work. When DH is home, take yourself off to the gym or see a friend or take up a hobby - do things for you! My DH worked away and long hours when our kids were small - I built a network of friends, retrained and started a new job and it helped me feel like myself again. And I found I liked my DH much more because I wasn't feeling hard done by.

. Me and my partner are in the aviation industry and with kids I would be isolated too, however that’s the career path we chose same as your husband. If you divorce I guarantee he won’t go 50/50 as the job will come first. Your 6 months in, your life has changed massively and you don’t feel like you anymore. You aren’t you anymore you have a brand new baby and are now a mum. Things have to adapt. Can you move to a cheaper house and afford a cleaner or nanny etc? I agree Dubai is amazing for aviation families as I personally worked for emirates but if you don’t like the idea of it it would be hell for you. Continue with your therapy and medication and don’t make any rash decisions for another 6 months. Can you join baby groups and make friends that way with mums and dads.

No, do not move when you're so down and vulnerable. A nanny is great but I'd want to stay closer to family and friends. Being home all day with a small baby is really hard. But 6 months was a turning point for me. Baby will soon get easier, you'll get more independence back.

And I would not be having dinner at 4.45.

Do not revolve everything around his schedule. When he's there, he can join you. The only way forward is to build a life independent of his presence and he can slot it in when he's home.

This stage is hard in a marriage. Your life has been completely turned upside down while his continues as it was. I hated my DH post partum and he 1) didn't do shift work and 2) is actually pretty hands on. But his body is intact. His career is intact. His social life is almost the same. Men have it so easy.

But your life will get easier soon too. Maybe not easy but more manageable and closer to normality.

I’ve BEGGED dh to “watch” the baby so I can have some me time. Even just so I can take the dog for a walk and have a picnic for my dinner would help me feel so much better. But he insists he cannot be the one to care for the baby at night and that a childminder is needed even if both dh and the baby are asleep! It makes me so angry that I could cry thinking about it. I feel so alone. He has the perfect get out of jail card when it comes to getting out of caring for our son.

But there is no 'imbalance' - you are on maternity leave, which is amazing. After that, you will probably go back to work - as he does. The only difference is, as you know, he will be gone from time to time, but as you said - you knew this. He does not get the paternity leave - (i dont think) - you do, enjoy if for now, then plan your comeback to work. I suspect it just that you have to do most of the looking after the baby yourself - is that what youre having an issue with? Because i dont know how you can blame your husband or this - this is his career, one in which you supported before. Believe me - i am absolutely on your side, but i think your focussing on the wring things here. It will get better, for now, enjoy maternity and seeing the little one grow up, because once they are in nursery, it wont be the same.

Did he want the baby? Because it sounds like he didn’t. You need to divorce.

Sorry - but i also get this - my brother couldn't do nights, or did very very few, he was always on call and so had to sleep - but again, my SIL knew it would be like this, its what she bought into before marriage. Perhaps you need an au pair, ro some other type of live in help?

Do not go to the ME, if you divorce and want to come back you may have problems. TBH, he sounds a pain with the dictating what you can and can’t do when he’s home. If you know his roster I’m sure you work around it (apart from standby).
I think you need to go back to work so you don’t fall into the monotony of his roster and when he’s going to be back, leaving or sleeping. Also, if things do head for divorce you’ll need your own money.

Do you get paid on mat leave?

The massive mortgage seems an issue too.

Your dh needs really good earplugs. You can't stop a baby /dog from making some noise.

My dh works crazy hours too, and it was really tying when the dc were small and couldn't be left for a minute. But think about what you need from your life - regular babysitter so you can go to the gym, etc. That doesn't have to be your dh. I don't understand how you have a well paid job and be able to be a single mum yet can't afford a cleaner / babysitter on 2 salaries (maybe it's the unpaid leave bit at the mo, but still should be 1 good salary)

Don't beg for time to go out, make him pay for a childminder. Where are his parents in all this if your mom works

And I wish people would stop with the constant divorce, it's a bit early for this just yet, baby is only 6 months old