Dubai move or divorce

[Klaudea]

Maybe the title is a bit clickbait-y.

But I’m really needing support. Since I first met my husband there has always been compromises to our relationship. Dh is an airline pilot. So basically our whole lives revolve around his schedule. Really didn’t bother me when we were dating and before we had a child. But all of a sudden I am completely resentful and can’t really stomach it. I think being at home with a young baby has left me feeling very vulnerable. Whereas before the baby I sort of made sure I had things to do and kept myself very busy (gym, socialising etc) regardless of what dh was doing.

But I’m so sick of our dinners, evenings and lives just revolving around dh and his schedule. I want to scream when dh tells me he will be having an early night and please do your best to keep the noise down with the dog and baby. Sometimes we’re eating dinner at 4:45pm cause dh needs to be in bed. I just end up sitting at home alone crying on the sofa. It’s awful.

In all transparency I have had a fairly bad dose of the baby blues. But am coming out of it.

I am on maternity leave and tbh was very seriously considering being a SAHM. But I’m going crazy.

I told dh I can’t live like this anymore. Im going crazy. Im a slave to the house, baby and dh. I am not presenting my own life.

Dh has suggested we make the move to the ME (he had an offer from an airline out there last year but he turned it down af my request) where we could afford to get a lot more help - ie cleaner, nanny etc. I just can’t keep doing what we are doing. It’s Groundhog Day.

I told dh I was so naive and didn’t think about how his job would really work with a family. I thought I would carry on making myself busy and being independent. I really think I would be happier divorced.

I don’t even like the ME.

please offer any advice

I am a decently paid professional. I could certainly support myself if needed. The idea of joint custody and husband having to figure out 50% of childcare seems like the only way I would get any equality in the relationship. I’m just a doormat right now.

I never used to break down crying and that’s all I do these days

@Klaudea So, you're still on maternity leave - when do you return to work? Do you not think you will feel better when you do go back as you will have the intellectual stimulation of work during the day plus interaction with colleagues? And could you not invite friends and/or colleagues around to yours for dinner or a takeaway to recover some of your social life?
I really don't see how moving to Dubai would help just because you could afford a nanny and cleaner. You'd need to establish a whole new friendship group (leaving behind your family/friends here) and you don't know how hard that could be.
I think as a pp has suggested - if you can, delay any decision until your return to work to see if that helps with your feelings of isolation and tedium.
Best of luck OP.

Then yes it’s his right. Me and my partner work for an airline so I understand . He needs to prioritise his sleep. He might be besotted with the baby but Op said he won’t look after the baby even with a nanny about. Somethings changed and he can’t forever blame work.

Oh and one possible reply to the Dubai argument is just no, absolutely hard line because of their human rights record, restrictions on women and laws about gay people. Doesn't matter how much of a bubble it is for ex-pats, just a hard no on principle. Not a suitable place to bring up your child.

Get angry if need be, not apologetic. Beware of him setting the agenda as a subtle form of power - avoid getting sucked into big conversations about Dubai when you have already said no. There comes a point where he needs to accept that or he is just being disrespectful.

Absolutely this

Have you thought about going back to work a bit earlier? It may be a ridiculous suggestion, only you know how you feel but when mine were little maternity leave was shorter and I felt much better at work. I was validated by my work, it gave me purpose and routine. I also felt more equitable with my husband. I loved my babies but I was no domestic goddess. I felt trapped and miserable. So I happily went back to work and it forced serious conversations about how we managed a baby with us both working. I felt more able to put my foot down. He should of course be playing his full part without any need for that but you are obviously unhappy and things need to change.

Whatever you do, don't move to the ME. It's an utterly alienating environment for you, you won't have friends or family out there and as far as I can see, your lifestyle where you only see your DH some of the time and your family time is massively compromised would continue. You might well be able to get childcare or cleaner as part of the deal/employment but where would that leave you? Would you be able to take up your career out there or start a new one? Socialise with your friends?

Plus, Dubai of all hellholes - it's a corrupt, superficial place, a thin veneer of Westernisation with brutal morality laws and built over a superstructure of abuse and slavery. Why anyone thinks it's a cool place to holiday, let alone live, defeats me.

If you stayed here and separated, I would hope your DH, whom you say is devoted to your baby, would not make this move because he may well not see her very much at all - is he going to be able to have custody visits in between flights??

It's all very well for people to say, yes you have been naive to think marriage and a family with a pilot would work out - but he's also been naive/selfish to think his uncompromising job would fit around family life.

This isn’t at night though or about sleep - presumably this is before he goes to bed he can’t do it so he is I assume ring fencing an awful lot ofntime

needing a full nights sleep is yes of course necessary but is this going beyond that he can’t parent at all the evening before?

He is right to prioritise sleep the night before he is on duty in-flight. Everything else sounds really rubbish though OP and you have my sympathy.
Don't move to Dubai, it's an absolute hole.
However, although there will be new challenges with it, I wonder if things will improve for you when you get back to work. You won't be so isolated and you will be able to be yourself more (at work at least)

I think many new Mums have what you’re describing, whether your DH is a pilot, postman or fisherman. I remember those early days and my DH rang me to say he was going to home late (so say 7pm rather than 5.45pm) and I remember thinking it was the end of the world as I’d been home all day with the baby. I just couldn’t stand a minute longer of being in the house. I couldn’t believe the freedom he had and it made me seething with jealousy, anger and every other emotion. He worked a relatively normal office job but was out of the house say 8am-6pm

What you’re describing is just how it feels to go from having a fun, professional, independent life to being stuck home with a baby.

I wouldn’t do anything rash whilst you’re in this phase. I wouldn’t leave him and I wouldn’t move either.

Why on earth are some of you telling a woman with PPD, an extremely young baby and struggling with the transition of motherhood to DIVORCE her DH? This doesn’t sound at all like a marriage problem - more like a woman who (no offence!) is used to being self-centred - work, gym, dinners out, socialising etc and trying to adjust to life as a new mum.

OP - do you love your husband and want your marriage to work? If the answer is yes, then divorce isn’t your first option.

As other posters have said, this is a huge adjustment in your life, but one that isn’t your DH’s fault, this has always been his job/ life - which you obviously knew, but you’re struggling with your new life. You WILL go back to work. You WILL get your life back (slowly but surely). You WILL find your new normal, even if it takes a little time. There are many options to consider, and it is normal to feel some resentment that DH’s life doesn’t seem to have changed, but yours has massively. I can assure you the majority of mums have all felt like this!! It’s okay to be pissed off, but you need to take a step back and look at this objectively.

Is he longhaul? Would moving to shorthaul give him less time away?

You've recently had a baby. You are full of hormones and not sleeping. The world will not still look or feel like this again soon enough. You will find ways to be yourself and get things done.

Be totally and utterly honest with hubby. Do not move to Dubai. Make sure he lets you do something for yourself every single day. You decide what, you both agree when e.g. 30 min for a shower and pamper, 20 min for a walk, he does the washing etc. He looks after baby.

Keep up the therapy. Hang on in there.

Paid help won’t make you actually happy- I’d assume it’s loneliness and distance that’s getting you down as opposed to something a cleaner can fix. I don’t know about the divorce but unless you’ve always wanted to live there do not go x

This is so true!

Hang in there for now. Join some baby groups and get your own routine. Don’t agree to ME but also don’t make any major changes until you are sure you are fully back to your normal self.

It sounds more like the reality of motherhood is hitting you hard, rather than your husbands job. You don't get to be a 50/50 parent while you're on maternity leave and your husband is working. Parents of new babies, even if the working parent has a 9 to 5 job, don't tend to have great social lives. It can be a bit of a slog, and you have PND to add to this.

I'm a single parent and I really can't see your situation improving if you get divorced. You end up with less money, as two homes to keep, and when your baby is with you, you have to do everything - you want to go for a walk you bring him with you, you want to have a shower, you bring him with you.

You also may not like the reality of your baby being away from you for 50% of the time.

As your DH works different shifts, do you expect him to get a nanny to look after the baby while he's working outside of creche time?

I think you need to work out the practicalities of divorce, and how you would manage. If it's that you want the freedom to have time for yourself that you had before you had your baby, then you could use childcare - nanny, au pair, creche or childdminder, and your DH can look after the baby on the evenings/nights when he's not flying the next day.

Once you're back in work you'll have more of your life back - being a SAHM doesn't seem like something you want to do, so don't.

Going to Dubai would be an awful idea, as pps have said, you could end up stuck there if you split when you're over there, and you wouldn't have a job.

An alternative is that your husband gets a new job, with regular hours - aviation management or training perhaps, or something totally different to use his skills of decision making under pressure etc.

Well he is wrong. So you don't have to accept this narrative OP.

Have you and DH taken the time to properly write down and divide up all the chores for the week and make sure you both have some time to yourselves each week? Or is part of the problem you can’t even do that as he doesn’t have a set schedule?

It sounds like the pain has been in going from feeling independent to feeling dependent. If Dubai makes you more dependent definitely don't go. Apart from that, you could either do what you need to get a measure of independence back and/or work at making the relationship a bit more interdependent (e.g. finding and seeing a good couples therapist who can help your relationship through this transition).

To be fair the Emirates pilots' wives have a pretty strong network and do support each other. It doesn't replace family though, and it's kind of a moot point since the OP doesn't want to go.

I suggest you put baby in nursery part time. Get back to the gym, lunches, sleeping, whatever you need. My MIL had very bad ppd. My fil got a woman in to help with childcare so she got some free time.

Having a baby is a shock to the system and leaving the house is a whole other ordeal but it quickly becomes your new normal that won't always feel so overwhelming.
Don't move to the ME, finish out your MAT leave and go back to work either full time or part time, whatever works for you and certainly don't set the routine around your DH schedule. You and the baby come first here and he should slot in and take over when he's not working.
You'll get there OP, it's still very early on in your journey

Don't agree to a move to Dubai unless you absolutely have to - which it sounds like you don't. Equally, don't go down the divorce route just yet. You're exhausted, you're practically solo parenting and it's clear that you're burnt out and need some extra support - and some time to be 'you'. I think most of us have got to that point during MAT leave. The idea of having so much time with our babies is lovely and rewarding (and it is), but it's also exhausting when you feel it's all on you and that you're losing a sense of who you are. I suspect returning to work will help you with this, as will making sure you have time to do things for yourself when your husband isn't working. Yes, you need to try to help him get enough sleep - but equally he needs to pull his weight when he isn't working. You need an honest and frank conversation about how he'll support YOU with your career, as this is just as important as his. If this isn't something he's willing to consider, then is the time to consider separation.

Would you be able to work in Dubai? If you went to Dubai, stayed a year, and then your marriage broke down, would you be able to bring your child home or would he be able to keep the child there against your will? Concerned that you could be trapped.

I’m a single parent to twins, so I know what it feels like to be trapped in the house every evening.

Could you get a babysitter once a week - say every Thursday evening. Then you know that’s your evening for “you” - to go to gym/out for a walk/meet friends/ go for dinner/go late-night shopping / do a hobby/ etc. Even if your DH is home on a Thursday, still go out since it’s your night.

What is your plan for childcare when you go back to work after maternity leave?

Your mental health needs to be the priority here. No idea what kind of care you would get in Dubai but suspect it would not be great.

I think you need to go back to work now if possible and find a way to get regular exercise. I also think that you and DH need to have a discussion about what he does and when. It is fair enough that he does not look after baby the night before a flight. But what does he contribute during his time off? Do you ever get to go out for a full day? Or are you still the primary parent when he is home? Can you start going back to the gym when he is home? I know it will be tricky to go at a regular time but I think the priority should be getting there at least twice a week.

I would also say a firm no to Dubai and tell him that he is sending a very clear message about how little he cares for you and your wellbeing if he raises it again.

This is a really tough time for you but you will get through it. Wishing you all the best. Don't beat yourself up for not realising what it would be like - it's impossible to know when you've never been a parent before.